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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Low contact mother asking for money

82 replies

TomAllenWife · 14/10/2021 07:53

I am fairly LC with my narc mother. She will literally suck the life out of me if I allow

A few weeks ago she phoned in tears saying she wanted to borrow £200 to see a surgeon privately as she was in so much pain. She said it would bump her up the list.
I told her o didn't have it, and that in the current climate it wouldn't bump her up the list.
The result of this was she was seen NHS within 2 weeks and is awaiting surgery.

Yesterday she phoned sobbing saying a hearing engineer had come out and said her boiler needed replacing as it was leaking carbon monoxide. She said she knew I didn't have the money but could I ask my partner (who has money) to lend her £3.5k and she would leave him money in her will.

I have asked her to get other quotes as she doesn't even have anything written about the boiler. She said 'don't worry I'll just have to pay for it over 10 years'.
She has money on credit cards with ridiculous interest and I've asked her to balance transfer, she asked me to do it as it takes her too long!!! I'm working full time with 2 dcs at home.

She does well at making me feel guilty, and also she is my mother, but I also know she will take take take
It's stressing me out Sad

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 14/10/2021 13:31

Text her the helpful advice PPs have posted about payment plans and then block her.

Then tell your DP about her behaviour. Don't be ashamed. Make it very clear that she is never to be invited for a meal out let alone a week away again.

TipiForMe · 14/10/2021 13:45

Mini break with b/f ! CF writ large!

Why are you entertaining “helping” her OP? It’s really just enabling her continuously being a complete User. To an outsider she sounds awful, the crying emotional manipulation, lifelong bleeder of others assets etc. Honest I’d be going VVLC myself with someone who sucks me dry like that. I wouldn’t even listen to their moaning on the phone “gotta go, the cats being sick” etc

TipiForMe · 14/10/2021 13:47

And don’t give her any money (or your partners- more CFkry!) or do any of her admin for her!!! All these demands will increase as she gets older, so watch out, put those clear boundaries in now is my advice!

Notaroadrunner · 14/10/2021 13:58

@TomAllenWife

Oh yes she's away next week in a mini break with her useless man
So let her bleed him dry instead. Just ignore all messages relating to money.
Original poster
TomAllenWife · 14/10/2021 14:09

He has no money, still working in his 70s but paying off debts Confused his kids don't speak to him
He racked up a load of debt on her house, they split but now she's back with him because she says it's lonely!

Thank you all for not making me feel bad, all my friends and DP have normal family and I'm just always astounded by what she will say and do and how she makes me feel

She has helped me out in the past when my step father was alive and she was working. It always came with some sort of attachment. But it was always paid back.
And we're going back about 15 years.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/10/2021 14:12

I might have given her the £200. But she has been seen anyway. No way should you hand over £3.5k for a boiler.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 14/10/2021 14:21

She said last night she had £400 savings which she wants to keep Confused
So could I put down £500 as a deposit on a payment plan for a new boiler

OP posts:
Sakurami · 14/10/2021 14:38

No, don't give her anything, it'll never stop. Let her save up and not go away if she's that desperate. Just tell her that your oh hasn't got it or that you're simply not going to ask him.

6789Advice · 14/10/2021 15:01

If she's on pension credit surely she's entitled to some sort of grant???

I wouldn't believe a word she says tbh.

samwitwicky · 14/10/2021 15:04

You're no good to her until she needs you. Say NO

SockFluffInTheBath · 14/10/2021 15:14

“ I wouldn’t even listen to their moaning on the phone “gotta go, the cats being sick” etc “

GrinGrinGrin

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 14/10/2021 15:39

Yes she's on pension credit
But as with everything in her life she wants it NOW and doesn't want to wait to see if she can get a grant

OP posts:
Sakurami · 14/10/2021 15:47

@TomAllenWife

Yes she's on pension credit But as with everything in her life she wants it NOW and doesn't want to wait to see if she can get a grant
That's tough shit for her then. Not your responsibility. Honestly let her fund her whims herself. Even if you ruined yourself and your oh, she would ask for more.
TipiForMe · 14/10/2021 15:48

But as with everything in her life she wants it NOW and doesn't want to wait to see if she can get a grant

Tough titties!

Would be extra good/pointed Sock if you didn’t even actually have a cat Grin.

BrilliantBetty · 14/10/2021 15:55

Ask her to lend you some hefty figure. Let her feel guilty saying no and in the process make it clear you have nothing to lend. Won't hear from her for a good while then.

Don't give her a penny and maintain low contact.

SavageTomato · 14/10/2021 16:25

Nah, she's taking the piss, sounds like she always has. Tough titties indeed, not your problem, in the least. I'll echo Attila's excellent advice and would recommend you go no contact completely. Had similar with my mother (NC for the last couple of decades of her life), she'd spend silly money on a fancy table for instance, with no job to pay for it. Ran up loads of debt. Decided she deserved a holiday, pestered me and my then partner for money to do that, we were on the dole at the time. My partner, bless him, talked about giving her some money, but saw how silly that was when he finally understood her absolute delusion and self absorbed personality (probably narc or histrionic personality disorder). I saw someone in the street the other day who looked very like her, got that jolt when that happens, then the other jolt when I realised no, can't be her, she's dead. Relief swept over me, no kidding. Ignore her, look after yourself. It's not 'selfish', it's self preservation. You owe her precisely nothing.

Elieza · 14/10/2021 16:46

Do not engage with her. There will only be more and more requests for money. A hole in the roof. A leaking sink. A new shed. Not to mention health things.

Believe none of it. She will bleed you dry.

If she has no money she should downsize to a smaller house and pay off her debts. But she’d probably give half the left over cash to her wastrel boyfriend to keep him. Sigh.

MingeofDeath · 14/10/2021 16:50

£ 3.5 k for a boiler? That's a bit excessive. Just say no

user1471538283 · 14/10/2021 17:51

She needs to grow up. She probably just like my DM thought the money would just keep coming. It doesn't and you cannot bank roll her.

I wouldnt bother with her any longer.

Original poster
TomAllenWife · 14/10/2021 18:34

She's never had to care for herself and hates it

I haven't really spoken to her today, so I'm keeping a low profile

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 14/10/2021 20:04

Don't keep a low profile.. hold your head up high and say NO. .. then carry on regardless.. don't hide from people like this .. it gives them power over you., show her she doesn't have any.. 🌸

EnigmaCat · 15/10/2021 00:28

Another no, any money will be flushed away like the rest was. Don't expect to reason with her about it either, likely she'll use the opportunity to try to guilt trip you.

violetbunny · 15/10/2021 00:47

You say you're low contact, but how much contact are you having with her typically? She's taking up way too much of your headspace which I can imagine must be quite emotionally draining. Perhaps you should reconsider even less or no contact.

AdoraBell · 15/10/2021 00:47

NO, no, no. Don’t ask your DP to give her the money, but I would suggest tell your DP about the request just so they are a fore warned and fore armed if she ever goes behind your back and asks him directly.

Closetbeanmuncher · 15/10/2021 09:27

If you feel uncomfortable with straight up no use this one...

Sorry, we don't have it Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Ignore any calls from her, all communication via text so you don't have to listen to the crocodile tears.
Send her the link to the boiler grant site and leave her to crack on. I also agree to warn your DP.