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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable or is he a (insert profanity here)

51 replies

Drift101 · 13/10/2021 22:49

Hi all,

I’m looking for honest advice here please.

My partner and I argue all the time. Essentially it boils down to the same pattern of behaviour:

I’ll say something innocently, the latest being “I’m doing the gardening today if you want to help but don’t worry if you’re busy - no pressure”

He takes offence and blames it on my voice, my body language, my words, my face - anything.

I then defend myself “no I was genuinely just saying if you want to help I’d like that but no worries if you’ve got plans”

It then becomes an argument and we fall out.

He’s agreed with the pattern of behaviour and said he needs to stop being so sensitive and thinking I’m being horrible but so far he hasn’t.

He’s now decided not to speak to me properly in case I get offended! This has thrown me completely as I don’t really get offended by things and I’m a really positive person.

When it’s good it’s great but when he’s like this it drives me to despair.

Should I just let it go when he gets offended all the time? Is it just me and am I really horrible without realising? I’ve always been told I’m quite a lovely person and very positive so it’d be news to me but I’m open to it. Even when he’s said it all stems from me I haven’t got offended, I just see that he’s very defensive.

Thing is I’m 35, I want a family and I’m scared of being on my own and becoming a spinster who gets eaten by her cats.

If I was 25 then I probably would leave. As it is, I’m not sure. Maybe this is what relationships are? Maybe they do take work and I just need to let it go and not react when he has his moments. It’s just hard.

He said he’ll work on it so I suppose time will tell, I’d just like to hear others thoughts on it as I’m completely thrown for a loop at the moment.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/10/2021 23:01

Oh god, please don't stay just because you want kids. Can you imagine parenting with this huffy prick? He'll be getting offended when the baby cries, when s/he goes through a stage where she won't settle for him but will for you, during the "no" stage, when weaning/toilet training takes "too long"... And that's all pre-school! Can you imagine the teenage years!

Look into freezing your eggs.

nimbuscloud · 13/10/2021 23:03

Would you want him as your father ??? Imagine being his child !

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2021 23:06

Relationships really shouldn’t be hard, no. They’re meant to make life better, easier, more fun.

Are you currently ttc? Where’s he on babies?

I know it’s hard to consider starting again, I left my first husband, but I wouldn’t stay with him. It sounds exhausting. He’s actively looking to be offended and/or trying to train you to speak and behave in an unnatural way to you for fear he’ll throw a tantrum.

pantsandpringles · 13/10/2021 23:07

Run. Far away. This is not a healthy relationship.

TheChip · 13/10/2021 23:12

Sounds like mind fuckery and projection. Run.

Enterifyoudare · 13/10/2021 23:14

Don't have kids with him. If he thinks you're being passive aggressive now about asking him to do stuff, just image how bad it's going to be at 3am when neither of you have had any sleep. This will not end well.

Defiantly41 · 13/10/2021 23:17

He's training you to never ask anything of him or have an opinion of your own or pull him up on poor behaviour, you are worth so much more, move on, please don't stay

antwacky · 13/10/2021 23:19

I would sooner be eaten by the cats than having to endure this. I certainly wouldn't want to have a family with him, he sounds like a real man child.

QuestionNumberOne · 13/10/2021 23:21

He’d be a godawful dad. And a horrible partner.

Quick, leave him as quickly as you can and waste no more time!!!

scoobydoo1971 · 13/10/2021 23:23

He is training you to be his slave, and never ask him for domestic or other help. Imagine having a child with him, and then ask yourself if you fancy single parenthood? If he won't help now with the garden, then he won't help with nappies later on. Being a spinster, having cats etc is not a terrible thing, but you are young enough to have options.

NoSquirrels · 13/10/2021 23:25

I’ll say something innocently, the latest being “I’m doing the gardening today if you want to help but don’t worry if you’re busy - no pressure”

I’ve got to be honest, I’d find this an irrationally irritating way of communicating. Do you want my help? If you do, ask me clearly. To me, this would come across as an attempt to make me feel guilty for choosing not to help you, rather than feeling that the choice not to help was really there.

However.

A massive however.

If he ALWAYS says it’s you - it’s your fault because of how you ask/say/act/behave - then he’s an exhausting twat and you should probably move on.

QuestionNumberOne · 13/10/2021 23:26

If you dump him tomorrow you could meet someone really lovely within a matter of months.

Original poster
Drift101 · 13/10/2021 23:29

Thanks everyone - seems pretty conclusive so far… Which I guess I knew but I don’t want to start again and be dating at this stage but realistically I know it’s better than this…

@NoSquirrels I really appreciate the honest feedback and I can totally see that. I guess it’s hard because I feel like I’m constantly on eggshells. I daren’t ask outright or he says I’m pressuring him, I don’t want to not say anything or he says I’m excluding him and so I give the “it’s up to you” approach and even that’s wrong. I’m exhausted writing it…

OP posts:
Journeynotdestination · 13/10/2021 23:30

I already feel sad for your potential future child with this man. I’d rather not have a child than have one living with a man like this & all the arguments it will witness growing up.

Jk987 · 13/10/2021 23:31

It sounds like you pussyfoot around him instead of being direct. Maybe due to years of his moodiness or maybe it's a confidence thing.

'Can you help me with some gardening today?' is a far better way of saying it. You don't need to say 'no pressure' etc. as it can do the opposite. You have every right to ask for what you need in a relationship. Likewise you deserve a direct and honest response.

I think it's resolvable if you both change your communication style.

If on the other hand he's a grumpy, temperamental git, you can and will find happiness without him.

Jk987 · 13/10/2021 23:33

I agree with @NoSquirrels

NoSquirrels · 13/10/2021 23:40

@Drift101

Thanks everyone - seems pretty conclusive so far… Which I guess I knew but I don’t want to start again and be dating at this stage but realistically I know it’s better than this…

@NoSquirrels I really appreciate the honest feedback and I can totally see that. I guess it’s hard because I feel like I’m constantly on eggshells. I daren’t ask outright or he says I’m pressuring him, I don’t want to not say anything or he says I’m excluding him and so I give the “it’s up to you” approach and even that’s wrong. I’m exhausted writing it…

I’m going to assume that he’s not falling over himself to do stuff with you, especially if it’s a bit of shitwork - if you don’t enjoy it, gardening is outdoor housework and just a boring chore.

Adult life is full of boring chores, though. So if he’s not got some massively redeeming features (& if he accuses you of ‘excluding’ him or ‘pressuring’ him, then you’re clearly ill-matched in some way as you don’t enjoy the same stuff/see the value in the same things) then why stay?

I know you’re 35 but trust us hideous vipers, better to be a free single 35 year old able to do what they like with the possibility of different futures than a frustrated, resentful 45 year old shackled to a tetchy shirker for the whole child-rearing decades…

Callixte · 13/10/2021 23:40

I don't see what's wrong with what you said about the gardening; it seems quite carefully worded. The only thing I can think of is that he thought you were (falsely?) implying that he's ALWAYS "too busy" to help, but unless there's some other relevant background that's a big stretch that says more about him than you. And as he was still fussy after you clarified, I don't see what else you could have done.

If you're walking on eggshells like this all the time, or often, that's a miserable way to live. And no, good relationships aren't like that - they DO require compromise but they also require clear communication, and he seems to be actively trying to cut off your ability to communicate. He says he sees a problem and will get help, but he hasn't? What's stopping him, and when will he? And I mean professional help; he's tried to "work on this" on his own and hasn't succeeded. Does he know you're considering ending the relationship? If so and he STILL won't get help or try to make a change, I think that's your answer.

You recognise that you feel trapped to an extent because of your age and wanting to have a family, but think of how much more you'll feel trapped if you DO have children together and things don't get better. Personally, I think I'd reconsider the cats (I'm pretty sure most don't actually eat people).

TempNameChangexx · 13/10/2021 23:50

I'd rather get eaten by my cats than put up with a man like that !
Do you really want kids at the expense of having to live with a sullen sulky man-child for the next two decades?

Original poster
Drift101 · 13/10/2021 23:52

Thank you for your wise words and your humour, it’s made me feel better on what is a pretty ropey evening.

It does seem to be one thing after another. Previous to this he was annoyed because I’d closed the kitchen door whilst putting the food shopping away and apparently that was shitting him out or shutting myself off, it changed depending on which way the wind was blowing during his explanation.

Sigh I just didn’t think I’d be here again. Now I’ve got a house which whilst I can afford the mortgage repayments on my own I’m not sure they’ll allow me to have the mortgage on my own so hopefully a family member will be able to come on it with me. Anyway that’s a problem for the morning.

I have spoken to him to say it can’t continue and he lashes out and says things he doesn’t really mean then goes back on them saying I should have known what he really meant. Again, exhausting.

I’m in the spare room tonight and we’re going to chat about it tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
Drift101 · 13/10/2021 23:53

shutting him out that should say! Autocorrect Blush

OP posts:
butterflyze · 13/10/2021 23:55

@Drift101

Thanks everyone - seems pretty conclusive so far… Which I guess I knew but I don’t want to start again and be dating at this stage but realistically I know it’s better than this…

@NoSquirrels I really appreciate the honest feedback and I can totally see that. I guess it’s hard because I feel like I’m constantly on eggshells. I daren’t ask outright or he says I’m pressuring him, I don’t want to not say anything or he says I’m excluding him and so I give the “it’s up to you” approach and even that’s wrong. I’m exhausted writing it…

So basically whatever you do or say, he finds some way of making sure that you are in the wrong. What an arsehole.

You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Having kids is bloody relentless hard work for a long time, and you both need to be on the same side. I really can't see that happening, can you?

cheshirebloke · 14/10/2021 00:13

Why do you phrase it like that? Sounds almost like you're walking on egg shells and he misinterprets it like you're trying to guilt trip him into it.

Just take the direct approach eg "shall we do some gardening today?"

layladomino · 14/10/2021 07:56

Oh he sounds exhausting. Self-centred, controlling, victim-mentality.

No, relationships shouldn't be like that. They are meant to make both your lives better.

Once you're 'walking on eggshells', having to monitor everything you say, regularly argueing, one person is always painting themselves as victim and making the other feel bad / explain themselves all the time, it's no longer a good relationship.

Please don't stay because you want a child. That would be the worse reason to stay in a relationship and the worst decision for the future child. You would end up hating him and feeling stuck.

ChaToilLeam · 14/10/2021 08:02

Dear lord, he sounds a miserable prick. Don’t have a child with him. Sounds like you would be better off without him, and free to seek a partner who brings something positive to your life.