Lonely, anxious & depressed with unsupportive gambling partner

[MinxE78]

2 years ago I quit my job and moved 150 miles away with my daughter to be with my partner.
During lockdown 1 I was made redundant and that month I discovered my partner has a gambling problem. He’d gambled his entire wages leaving me to pay the rent, bills and food. This has happened a few times. Not once has apologised or tried to make it right, in fact he’s been extremely unkind to me.
In my new job I have been really bullied which has caused me such anxiety to the point I got signed off work.
This month he had a planned birthday trip away but 3 days before he was due to go he said he’d not booked as he had no money left. I gave him my last £120 and let him book his flight & Covid test on my cc and said you must pay it Bk on payday which would be while he was away. He got back, fobbed me off for a few days why he’d not put the housekeeping in my bank and then said he’d gambled the lot on payday.
I’m at such a low point, he doesn’t seem to care what this is doing to me emotionally or financially.
The other day I just sat crying telling him how I feel and I need a hug or comfort from him, as usual this was denied.
My mental health is my problem and not his.
I just don’t know what to do, since moving I still know no one, I have no friends or support.
Any suggestions

My mental health is my problem and not his.

I would suspect quite a lot of your poor mental health is down to the stress of living with an emotionally and financially abusive partner. Leave him. How old is your daughter? Can you move back to where you lived before?

Leave him. Move back to somewhere you will have some support and build your life again without him

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

My mental health is my problem and not his.

I would suspect quite a lot of your poor mental health is down to the stress of living with an emotionally and financially abusive partner. Leave him. How old is your daughter? Can you move back to where you lived before?

Agree.

I'm sorry but he doesn't care. That's why he's mistreating you. What support do you need to leave him? Because that's the only way your life is going to get better.

Leave him and go back to where you lived before if you have family there. You have a child and he happily gambles away the money that keeps the roof over your heads and food on your table.

There's no respect or consideration on his part.
He's not the man you thought he was.

This is not going to get any better, OP

"My mental health is my problem and not his.

I would suspect quite a lot of your poor mental health is down to the stress of living with an emotionally and financially abusive partner. Leave him. How old is your daughter? Can you move back to where you lived before?"

This. You need to get away before this man drags you and your daughter into the gutter because of his financial difficulties and his general nastiness. All addictions are seriously bad news and gambling addictions can be particularly catastrophic because of the huge debt that the addict ends in. Some gambling addicts commit suicide because they see no other way out of the debt problems their addiction has created for them. You're already feeling negative effects of his gambling and it will most likely only get worse. Best to cut your losses now before he drags you down further. You will feel so much better once you're away from him and his behaviour is no longer your problem.

This is not going to get any better for you and he is clearly not the man you thought he was either.

You and in turn your daughter are being dragged down by this man. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. He will continue to bleed you dry if you allow him any of your money.

Where is your real life support here; can your parents and friends help you move back?.

Leave. You do not have a choice. Gambling will win and you will rack up dept to cover for his shortfall. It is NOT worth it however much you might like him. This is speaking from experience. The fact he hasn't even apologised or indicated he wants help is a major red flag. Seriously, get out now.

It might feel hard to leave but it will be a lot harder for you if you stick around. I separated from my gambling ex but not before paying for everything to run the house as he had no money. I am in dept purely because of this. He is in total denial. Wish I could go back to the start and stop it before it got to where it did. I have 2 DC's with him too. It's been a few years and he is still no better.

I've been made aware of 3 incidences in 4 years.
I've asked him to register with Gamcare and put a restriction on his bank but he's refused. He claims he hasn't got a problem anymore like he used too and his friends and family have also confirmed this.
He's in denial that he is relapsing or there's a problem.
It's very distressing for me to say the least.
I have no debt and he hasn't up until now put me in debt either.
The first time it happened we made an agreement that every month on payday he will put money in my account £600 to cover bills, food takeouts etc this more than covers things. What he does with the rest of his wages is up to him. If it goes he's not to ask me to bail him out, his problem won't affect the household and up til now he has stood by the agreement.

I have just him down and told him how lonely I am, how hurt I am and cried that I need affection from him more than ever. He didn't move an inch.
My love for him is being consumed by hate more and more each day.

He spent years away from gambling and I believe lockdown has made it surface. Anyone coping with an addiction will change personality quickly to protect the addiction.
Leaving him is an option, not one I can just arrange that quickly.
My daughter is in her last year at secondary school and isn't aware of any of it, I'm carry it all by myself atm

Prior to lockdown we'd never argued, fallen out or anything, he absolutely was my perfect match.

You are colluding with him in keeping his secret. Meanwhile he is taking food from you and your daughter's mouths.
You can't fix him. He's an addict.
No amount of 'love' will fix it. He needs professional treatment.
His gambling comes first and it always will unless he addresses it.
He's not capable of giving you support.
Stop deluding yourself. He won't suddenly notice and change his ways. You are an inconvenience that gets in the way of his his gambling. Therefore he doesn't see you as a person.
You are a means of getting money. That's all.
Leave as soon as you can. Do it for your daughter.
Have you someone in real life you can tell? Can you move back to where you lived before and try get a job there?
This isn't your shame - he kept the truth from you.

You already know the truth but you might need to hear it from a few people to know that you are right-

You've got a bum, he will always be a bum. Gambling is the preserve of bums. Problem gamblers are total bums. Leave this total bum. On top of that life is generally a bit difficult
for you at the moment You've got off lightly so far, if you continue with this bum it will only be on an ever steeper downward slope.
Betting all his wages on payday then counting on you to carry him for a month, utter disgrace. If he'd have won he'd have wankered the winnings away over the next few days, they always do.

Gambling is a curse on society and that smug cunt that pays herself over £300M makes me puke (though obviously she's paying a massive amount of tax). I bailed out a friend whose husband spent every penny he had and lots of £ he didn't have but could get his hands on making book makers richer.

All these ridiculous ads in all media for gambling, it's a disgrace.
Every gambling bum started by having a "harmless flutter"

Of course your daughter is aware!

My mental health is my problem and not his

Yes, so you need to take responsibility for it. He is the source of it, so get away from the source. Your job isn't helping, so look for a different one. You won't feel better by staying with somebody who treats you like crap, and begging him to please please please show you love. You have tried. He knows what you want, and he has demonstrated to you that he's not interested in giving it to you.

his problem won't affect the household

Of course it will, eventually. You moved to be with him so presumably the house is in his name? Does he rent or own?

Are you having to take responsibility for every single bill and making sure they're paid?

What happens if he doesn't send the money? Can you afford everything?

What happens when he starts getting into debt? What's he like when he loses?

What about when you want to take your daughter on holiday but you haven't been able to save because you've had to cover bills for him?

I earn a good wage and the home is in my name so I can afford to keep it by myself
He’s very secretive about money so I have no idea what he does with his but I have and always will take care of the bills.

His gambling shouldn’t affect the household really I’ve protected myself already that way and that was his idea.

It’s the emotional part that I’m struggling with. I need more than he’s giving and tbh he refuses affection even when I tell him how low I am and need it, he does nothing.

Tomorrow I’m calling his stepdad to tell him what’s going on and hope that they’ll back me with my proposal

1. Register with bank to block gambling from his account
2. If he doesn’t he has to move back home with them.

Before I met him he went through an awful divorce and I’ve recently discovered the main problem was him gambling and then refusing to work as his ex earned a hell of a lot of money.

I wish someone had told me before I gave up my life to move here with him

I earn a good wage and the home is in my name so I can afford to keep it by myself

Kick him out immediately and change the locks. Get rid of him before he ruins your life, because he absolutely will if given the chance.

He won't block his gambling.

Where he goes to live is his problem, not yours. Nor is it his stepdad's problem - he's an adult.

So sorry this has happened to you, and I know we sound harsh on here, but please protect yourself and your daughter and tell him it's over.

I just don’t know what to do

Kick him out and don't waste any more of your life on him. If he doesn't think he has a problem he can fuck up his own life, stop helping him to fuck up yours as well.

With that additional back story I don't think it would be that unreasonable a leap to say "he saw you coming".

You really do need him out of your lives as soon as possible.

I was with a gambler. Every single month without fail they would gamble their wages as soon as they'd got them. They would then take out loans to gamble more. I was left paying all the rent, bills, food and their basic living costs. I lost all respect for them.

This won't get better. You gave him your last £100...why? What does he give you? What does he give your daughter? You will never have anything if you carry on in this life. He will bleed you dry and be horrible to you while he's doing it. Just do yourself a favour and leave him. It's not just about the money it's the total lack of regard for you.

@MinxE78 please go back to the beginning and read all the posts offered to you here again

You've had some excellent advice but you don't seem to be accepting it

You deserve better lovely and so does your child

Your mental health will most likely significantly improve if you get rid of this selfish unemotional prick

He's draining your finances
Not giving you the emotional security you want
Not putting you first
He has an addiction

Only he can do something about that

He needs to go . Today

Why are you prioritising a man, any man, over your child?!

I’ve not lived with a gambler, but I have lived with an alcoholic who became physically abusive when she was drunk enough.

People with addictions like this are only ever one drink, or bet, away from relapsing and they’ll fuck your life up whilst they fuck up their own. Particularly if they won’t recognise that there’s a problem (and it’s NOT your job to help them recognise it).

I agree with PP - get him out of your house and your life first - quickly - and then decide what to do about moving area once you have some head space.

People with addictions become sneaky and manipulative. Give him long enough and he’ll be stealing from you, taking out CCs in joint names and/or leveraging the mortgage to get money.

If it goes he's not to ask me to bail him out

But you did bail him out with his trip - and you couldn't really afford it. It's not kindness to him to help him avoid the consequences of his actions!

The gambling is the secondary problem, though. Most important is your lack of emotional support or connection. So your plans to save him from his gambling addiction are not only wishful thinking with no likelihood of working, they're also irrelevant to your happiness.

The house is yours. This is easy. Tell him it's over; he's not the man you fell in love with. Get him out of the house, then let him look after himself while you look for a better job and enjoy time with your daughter while she's still at home.