Lonely, anxious & depressed with unsupportive gambling partner

[MinxE78]

2 years ago I quit my job and moved 150 miles away with my daughter to be with my partner.
During lockdown 1 I was made redundant and that month I discovered my partner has a gambling problem. He’d gambled his entire wages leaving me to pay the rent, bills and food. This has happened a few times. Not once has apologised or tried to make it right, in fact he’s been extremely unkind to me.
In my new job I have been really bullied which has caused me such anxiety to the point I got signed off work.
This month he had a planned birthday trip away but 3 days before he was due to go he said he’d not booked as he had no money left. I gave him my last £120 and let him book his flight & Covid test on my cc and said you must pay it Bk on payday which would be while he was away. He got back, fobbed me off for a few days why he’d not put the housekeeping in my bank and then said he’d gambled the lot on payday.
I’m at such a low point, he doesn’t seem to care what this is doing to me emotionally or financially.
The other day I just sat crying telling him how I feel and I need a hug or comfort from him, as usual this was denied.
My mental health is my problem and not his.
I just don’t know what to do, since moving I still know no one, I have no friends or support.
Any suggestions

Have you asked yourself seriously why you are doing this? Why are you letting yourself be treated like a combination atm/hotel by someone who doesn’t even like you?

Call his parents by all means, but not to ‘help’ him, tell them youre finally throwing him out because of his gambling and you wash your hands of him.

‘I earn a good wage and the home is in my name so I can afford to keep it by myself’

Good, you can change the locks while he is out then.

Thanks for your advice
I have definitely taken it all on board.

I've been in contact with my family back home and everyone is in agreement.

Unfortunately I cannot move until June next year.
So for now I'm preparing myself ready to move back without him.

I've been advised to build a domestic abuse file with the police and consult with agencies like Gamcare and my Dr so I prove what's happening in my home if he won't leave when I ask him to go.

And yes it's easy to say kick him out, I cannot just do that!

I need time to rebuild my strength and confidence and get the right support so I can follow this all through, which I will do!

@MinxE78
So glad you have confided in your family and are getting good advice.
Wishing you all the very best and hoping June speeds round for you.
When feeling low come back on this thread for support.

Ok, I wouldn't phrase it as kick him out, maybe - but surely you would feel able to tell him if you don't want to be in a relationship with him any more? And then he no longer has a right to be in your house, does he? And you say he has somewhere else to go, so it's not as if he'd be stuck there.

I understand the wish to delay unpleasantness, especially if you feel unsure of what he's capable of, but on the other hand it's virtually impossible to build strength and confidence with an unsupportive partner draining the will to live out of you.

Over the weekend I disclosed Everything to an old school friend who he doesn't know and they've been extremely supportive and offered to help me.

I have reached out to refuge and hopefully I will be getting a call back from them today.

I have also emailed my daughters school and asked for an on-site meeting to discuss the situation.

I have sat my daughter down who knew more than I thought, in fact she said let's go after my mocks early December.

I'm not quite sure how any of this is going to work or how I'm going to do it yet but I'm hoping everyone I speak to today including my Dr will help me get prepared.

I'm listening to you all
I'm just finding everything extremely overwhelming atm
Finding out that your being emotionally controlled by the person who you love and have trusted is the most frightening thing and I'm struggling to get my head around everything.

Trying to keep everything at home exactly how he expects it, me constantly seeking affection and running around after his every need is so hard.
If he notices any change in me or realised I'm trying to leave I'm quite scared of what might happen.

He's managed to keep me here like this just accepting his behaviour for so long and still seeking affection what else can he do?

Carrying on and pretending I know nothing is going to be so hard

@MinxE78
You have been very proactive and have got support in rl.
Wishing you the best

I have prepared a plan with school, dr and refuge but it could take abit of time to organise

I have been informed that I have to quit my job instantly when I flee ☹️
I understand for safety reasons but I'm heart broken that a solid career I've worked so hard to get to the level I'm at I'd also being robbed of me now!

Also as my car is a performance car with sign writing on I have to also get rid of it for my safety and safety of others, obviously this goes without saying.

I guess this is the hard part of leaving, the no end to further sacrifices being made because of him!

Getting through my exit plan without him figuring it out is going to be harder than I thought because I'm resentful towards him

The only thing re the job is that in your opening post you said you were being bullied at work so perhaps it's the silver lining re the bullying.
I'm sorry that it's your life that has to change and not his.
Why do you have to leave and not him ?

I know no one here at all, this is his home town.
He is also a delivery driver, most of his colleagues know my home.
He often knows when I've been out and about when I bump into them or they're dropping items off in my road.
He will find me if I stay in the area.

I have been bullied at work, I'm now questioning how much of it was my work or him ramming that into my head.

After speaking with the helplines they've told me he's manipulating & gas lighting me so much I can no longer trust my thoughts on anything

Although I'm upset that I'm leaving so much I know once I'm settled & employed again I can get it all back.

The realisation of what he's done to me is bringing waves of emotion and I'm trying so hard to channel that energy into positive actions right now.

I'm just finding it so hard to accept what he's been doing and knowingly done to me to keep me here so I can enable his gambling!

All you can do is leave. My friend married a gambler, it ended in divorce.

@MinxE78
Thanks for clarifying re your job.
Wishing you a speedy but safe exit.

This is an easy one. LTB

Just wanted to check in with an update.

Me & my daughter have been receiving counselling to help me mentally prepare for the journey ahead and understand more how I've been abused.

We will be starting our journey to a refuge which we are calling 'the holiday home' in a few weeks.

I cannot praise the National abuse helpline enough, without their support I might not have the courage to see this through.

My daughters school, my Dr & referral to a social prescriber has equipped me mentally for the task ahead of us.

If anyone reading this is in a situation where your not sure your being abused or you know you are, call the National abuse helpline or use the online form to send them a message.

It must just save your life!

I'll give an update once I'm free

Good luck.

Good luck op!

Good luck OP, keep strong, you can do this for both you and your DC. Xx

10 sleeps & we're out of here!

My Dr referred me to a social prescriber, she arranged food vouchers and travel money for us so we can leave next week.

I'm so so so grateful 😊

Speaking up has been the best thing, I had no idea just how much help and support could be available to us.

A copy of our documents and a bag is stored at the Dr surgery ready for next week.

Although I'm petrified of going to the unknown, I'm starting to feel abit excited at the same time... not sure if this normal 🤷‍♀️

Starting all over again feels very scary, finding nee friends so I won't be lonely etc
Thankfully I can go to a refuge, hoping other woman there will be supportive.

Has anyone else been in one recently?
I'm abit anxious about being around nee people, not had friends for quite some time

I've no idea on earth why you are with him or staying with him. He just comes across as problemmatic in every way. Perhaps you are using this forum to work through your thoughts, but are you seriously just considering leaving as a possible "option" rather than a necessary action?

Oops, just seen your update. Good luck, well done!

@MumE78
I'm so glad you are getting the help you need irl.
to you for setting the wheels in motion to disentangle yourself and your daughter from this tosser man. You rock !

Thank you

I know some women have to flee instantly in some cases

But for me taking this time to grow, build strength, energise & understand my abuse has really helped me have the courage to go and see it through with a solid plan. Otherwise I think I would of come back and not coped without him, he literally has had that much control over my emotions up til now!

7 more sleeps for us!

It doesn't matter if you can afford to take cars of everything financially and he only has to contribute £600 a month.

He's still an gambling addict.He's scrounging off you.He didn't even pay his £600 towards the bills because he'd gambled it away.How long until the bailiffs are at your door?;I guarantee he's in debt.

When his cards are blocked from certain sites,he'll take cash out and go to the bookies.When the cash is gone he'll start pawning things from the house.

You are not a rehabilitation centre for a damaged broke man.

Be as brave as his ex and walk away

Just wanted to give an update.

We made it safely to the refuge this week.

It's been a strange few days not sure if I'm feeling happy or sad or feeling anything at all, just abit numb.

My daughter has already been offered a space at the school she chose which has an Ofsted level 1 Outstanding grade.

Don't think it's going to be an easy ride but I think we will be fine.

Best of luck @MumE78
Wishing you and DD a happy and peaceful new life

Great update.

Well done OP.

Wishing you and your daughter peace and success.

Continue to update if you wish.
Stories like yours inspire others to be brave too.