Am I being precious or is this the end?

[Amithatbad1]

Just wanted to ask for other people's opinions as I'm not sure if it's me or him!
Been with bf for just over a year, enjoy his company and when it's good it's really good but there's been a few problems lately and last night seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back. Now it's the morning I'm doubting myself and wondering if it's me being unreasonable?
Sunday night bf messages me and says he's thinking about bringing back a takeaway Tuesday night as he'll be working near our fav restaurant and am I interested in coming round to share it. I said yes, that sounds great and we discuss what we'll have.
I've just started a new job, working longer hours and obviously because it's different there's a lot to learn which is exhausting.
Yesterday I'm in my last meeting when everyone starts discussing what they're having for dinner. I initially think, oh no I have nothing in, I'm going to have to stop at the supermarket when I just want to get home but then remember bf is getting us takeaway - woohoo!
I get home, message him that I'm back and ask what time he'll be ready for me to come over. No reply for 2 hours, because as I later find out he's in the pub. Its gets to past the time we'd usually meet and eat when he finally answers " Ha - I'm already home! No Chinese tonight."
I'm totally pissed off! No apology although 40 mins later he messages again to say he'll bring one back tomorrow night instead. It's now late, I'm starving and because I was expecting the takeaway I put off going shopping so have nothing in. I'm tired, hungry and end up just eating various bits of crap that I find in the fridge and cupboards and just thought this is it for us. There's been similar incidents before when he's changed our dinner plans on the same day because he's in the pub.
But now woken up and wonder if I'm acting like a spoilt child? It's not his responsibility to provide me with food. It was my decision not to go to the supermarket because I was so tired and it's not his fault I'm so tired at the moment.
However I just feel that it's just so thoughtless, to arrange to get a takeaway,just not bother and not tell me until its late.
What does everyone think?
Oh and before everyone starts - I live in a rural area where the nearest takeaway is 30 mins away and none of them deliver so I couldn't just order my own when he finally messaged back that he hadn't got the takeaway!

It must have been the day for this last night. My dp said he would be home at 7-we arranged that I would make dinner etc. He called at 6.30 to say he'd be leaving at 7, so home for 8, eventually Camr back at 10. I was a but annoyed but more at the lack of communication than anything else. We weren't planning on doing much, and he got waylaid out with with friends-fair enough, but the lack of comms was irritating. We had words last night about that aspect. I don't think you are being unreasonable to be annoyed and maybe set boundaries going forward

I would have a conversation and make it very clear that this behaviour is not acceptable to you.

Don't apologise, be firm and clear.

If all else is good he could have a last opportunity to step up?

My ex was exactly like this, would make plans but as soon as he was in the pub every thing rent out the window.

I wasted two years getting let down time after time. Do yourself a favour and end this now.

I would be really angry

The fact that he’s done it before, hasn’t apologised and laughed would mean a no from me. Some people were completely different during lockdown because they couldn’t go out. This is more likely to be his normal mode than what you saw during lockdown..

You are completely right to be annoyed. He was the one who made plans and then did not even have the decency to text you which he easily could have done so you could have gotten food shopping on the way home. It is not about the food, but about how he put the pub before you and not the first time he has done this. Imagine if you had children and he just went to the pub and no text/call etc. I would talk to him and tell him that is the last time he treats you so disrespectfully and if he does it again I would dump him. He has shown he is unreliable and doesn't appear to realize it and also he is very selfish.

He arranged a date for 2 days time, with a specific plan for him to bring nice food, then stood you up, inconveniencing you, and didn’t even apologise! And has done similar at least several times before now.

It concerns me that you think that objecting to shitty treatment could be ‘spoilt’, ‘high maintenance’ or ‘stamping your feet’. Is that your boyfriend’s likely views, or internalised sexism?

Lock down wasn’t the usual reality. If this is him, not worth it!

Bin. Just bin.

I'd be annoyed if anyone did this to me. Ok if they phoned to cancel / postpone maybe, for a good reason, but not if they didn't bother to let me know.

I can't say if this is the end as I don't know the state of your relationship, but if it kept happening I wouldn't feel very appreciated.

I think it's appalling behaviour, he's unreliable and very disrespectful towards you.
You know what you need to do. Stop double-guessing yourself.
It feels wrong because it is wrong.

Sounds like a fairly loose arrangement if neither of you had confirmed it that day and you had forgotten until prompted by your colleagues re dinner plans.

Wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me but I’d also have been firmer with my plans anyway.

Its not about his responsibility to feed you, or your responsibility to sort your own food. Its not about whether its reasonable to be angry or whether that's down to you being tired and hungry. This is about a man who doesn't do what he says he will when he starts drinking, and that's not a trait that usually changes.

He stood you up, was thoughtless and childish and didn’t even apologise for letting you down.

This is who he is. Dump.

He sounds inconsiderate. Not sure i would put up with that.

There's two issues, which may go hand in hand every time, or may just overlap sometimes, like they did last night.

One is being flaky, changing plans without telling you, letting you down, not replying to messages (assuming he'd seen it). Just generally unreliable. Some people are just like this, and always just put themselves first without any consideration for others. I try my very best to keep to arranged things, won't cancel unless it's an absolute last resort. So it also upsets me when others mess me about.

One thing I would say though, is that when you didn't get a prompt reply to your message there was nothing stopping you calling him instead, which may have resolved the issue before you'd got home without going shopping.

Second issue is the going to the pub. Maybe I'm kind of sensitive to this too, having an alcoholic ex who wouldn't leave the pub until out of money or thrown out. Hopefully your bf isn't anything like that bad, but someone who prioritises the pub and 'one more drink' over their partner would make me run a mile now.

Is your bf just flaky when he's been to the pub, or are they separate issues? If separate, you may be able to improve his behaviour on the first, especially with better communication. The second, I'd say you've no hope, if he's a regular pub goer on weekdays.

Sometimes I wish you lot wouldn't talk so much sense!!
He admits he's very selfish as he hadn't been in a relationship for 4 years before me. He says he's just not used to thinking about someone else.
I'm not seeing him for the next few days, I think I need some space but reading most of your comments has just confirmed what I'm feeling/thinking.
Just feel very sad because if I could take the pub away then we would have stood a chance!

He admits he's very selfish as he hadn't been in a relationship for 4 years before me. He says he's just not used to thinking about someone else

That's a pathetic excuse. He knew you were waiting for him and he didn't come back or let you know. It's not the kind of fuck up where you need to bring your personal history into it, is it.

@Fruitandnuts

You need to call him Today, not text as it can be misunderstood. Call him and explain how you felt, explain that you had no food as you took him for his word and then last night you came home tired and hungry and sad. Then let him speak. Listen for an apology and how/why he wont do it again. If he comes out with silly excuses that's not good. He needs to comprehend how it made you feel and ask him how he would feel in your shoes. He just thinks oh its no big deal... but you need to tell him how to made you feel. Tell him his behaviour is making you question him, is he flaky, can you trust his word. These are important values for you, he needs to know this.

If there is a pattern of behaviour here he needs told you can see it. If he has been told you wont tolerate it and he does it again, then there is a problem. 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'

He should now make it up to you and ensure it doesnt happen again. If he wants to be flaky and go with the flow then he can do that without you in his life. Its that simple. We teach people who to treat us. Men will test your boundaries to see what they can get away with. Take a step back and let him feel your absence for a while. Just mentally step back alittle and see how he behaves in the coming weeks.

It's not a woman's job to teach a man how to be a decent respectful human being, so I disagree with all these long conversations. This is the way you would talk to a wayward teenager or child. If you are needing to do this with someone then it's game over already.

I agree with everyone else in general.

Having said that, if I lived somewhere with literally no food deliveries available, i wouldn't let myself end up with no food in the house!

It's a separate issue from his selfishness though.

It doesn’t get any better with men like that trust me. You can get married and have kids and the pub will still come first.

He says he's just not used to thinking about someone else.

Here's a shocking newsflash for him:
Single people can be just as unselfish as the coupled-up!

What a pile of bullshit.
Are single people always standing up their pals & families?
Nope? Just him then.

I wouldn’t find this acceptable as he must know you have started a new job and anyone would know this is draining. If it was a one off then fine, but my oh knows not to mess me around when it comes to food!

'He says he's just not used to thinking about someone else.'

Really? So he has no family, friends or colleagues then?

He says he's just not used to thinking about someone else

Like thinking about his girlfriend who he's been in a relationship with for a year? Really?

He's showing his true colours the more he tries to explain

I just ended it
Absolutely gutted, he just acted like he didn't care
This man who kept telling how he'd never been so comfortable with someone before, how he could see us going long term and told me he loved me 2 weeks ago but tonight there was nothing!
Now I feel a right mug that I fell for it all