Am I being precious or is this the end?

[Amithatbad1]

Just wanted to ask for other people's opinions as I'm not sure if it's me or him!
Been with bf for just over a year, enjoy his company and when it's good it's really good but there's been a few problems lately and last night seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back. Now it's the morning I'm doubting myself and wondering if it's me being unreasonable?
Sunday night bf messages me and says he's thinking about bringing back a takeaway Tuesday night as he'll be working near our fav restaurant and am I interested in coming round to share it. I said yes, that sounds great and we discuss what we'll have.
I've just started a new job, working longer hours and obviously because it's different there's a lot to learn which is exhausting.
Yesterday I'm in my last meeting when everyone starts discussing what they're having for dinner. I initially think, oh no I have nothing in, I'm going to have to stop at the supermarket when I just want to get home but then remember bf is getting us takeaway - woohoo!
I get home, message him that I'm back and ask what time he'll be ready for me to come over. No reply for 2 hours, because as I later find out he's in the pub. Its gets to past the time we'd usually meet and eat when he finally answers " Ha - I'm already home! No Chinese tonight."
I'm totally pissed off! No apology although 40 mins later he messages again to say he'll bring one back tomorrow night instead. It's now late, I'm starving and because I was expecting the takeaway I put off going shopping so have nothing in. I'm tired, hungry and end up just eating various bits of crap that I find in the fridge and cupboards and just thought this is it for us. There's been similar incidents before when he's changed our dinner plans on the same day because he's in the pub.
But now woken up and wonder if I'm acting like a spoilt child? It's not his responsibility to provide me with food. It was my decision not to go to the supermarket because I was so tired and it's not his fault I'm so tired at the moment.
However I just feel that it's just so thoughtless, to arrange to get a takeaway,just not bother and not tell me until its late.
What does everyone think?
Oh and before everyone starts - I live in a rural area where the nearest takeaway is 30 mins away and none of them deliver so I couldn't just order my own when he finally messaged back that he hadn't got the takeaway!

No. I would finish with him.

No you’re not being spoilt about this - it’s a continuing pattern of him breaking promises, putting the pub above you and showing no consideration for you.

“ Ha - I'm already home! No Chinese tonight." - That’s rude and childish, he knew you were waiting for him and you had been expecting the date and food because he bloody suggested it!

I would end a relationship based on these factors, he’s shown you you are only a priority to him when he has no better offer.

"There's been similar incidents before when he's changed our dinner plans on the same day because he's in the pub".

So this is repeated behaviour on his part. You are right to feel as you do and you are indeed second fiddle to the pub. I would finish with him because this is really who he is. The "nice" kind man you initially saw was a mirage, an act designed to draw you in but it was really an act he could never maintain.

He's binning you off for the pub. His priority list - the pub- his mates - alcohol - you. I think you can do better than that don't you.

I’d have probably double checked the arrangements Tuesday morning tbh seeing as they were arranged on Sunday. Wouldn’t be make or break for me

To me that's the equivalent of being stood up, although i wouldn't have waited 2 hours for a response to a text if we had plans and he hadnt responded. I'd have called after half an hour to see what was happening and if he didn't answer i'd have sorted myself something for dinner but the outcome is still the same. He stood you up and didn't offer up an apology which would indicate this kind of behaviour sits well with him so personally I'd ditch him and move on to someone else xxx

@romdowa

He stood you up because he was in the pub. He sounds like a fairly shitty boyfriend. Why would you be unreasonable to not want to play second fiddle to the pub. He didn't even text you to cancle , just left you waiting.

This! I have no idea why you're questioning yourself.

You made plans and he stood you up to go to the pub. Not for the first time! This is who he is, don't waste any more time on him.

You are right to be angry. Thats not precious or spoilt at all. He was really thoughtless. If this is a usual thing in the way he treats you then yes I would consider ending the relationship.
However if he isn't usually like this and you speak to him and he realises he was really thoughtless and genuinely apologises then I dont think its worth ending the relationship over on its own.
Only you know whether this is a bigger pattern of him not caring about you or just forgetting something once

That's outraegously rude of him.

And sounds like it's not for the first time.

Someone can be rude and ill mannered even if their language is impeccably polite. It's their actions that are rude.

There's been similar incidents before when he's changed our dinner plans on the same day because he's in the pub.

As you say, it's not his responsibility to provide you with food.
Bit is IS his responsibility not to let you down.
Sounds like he has form for dicking you about.
The standing you up/dropping plans in favour of the pub is a big red flag. Also v disrespectful.

What are you going to do? - grudgingly accept it, or become someone he calls a bloody nag, or what?

You're not being a spoiled child. You are being an adult, with normal expectations of being able to take your b/f at his word.

I might have 1 discussion with him about it.
Along the lines of "I need to be able to trust your word, & that includes small things. So when you flake out on our agreed arrangements, I feel like I cannot trust your word. This is a dealbreaker for me. It's fine for you to go to the pub - it's NOT fine for you to dob out on our plans, & if you do it again I will have to reconsider my trust in you, & the relationship".

You might wanna word that a bit less pompously

Personally I would handle this as follows. Tell him you'll come for the takeaway tonight. Let him buy it all. Then just don't show and text him later on to say, Ha no takeaway for me tonight, just got in from the pub.

Bet you HE won't like being an after thought to the pub, but hes quite willing to think you should be ok with it.

You're not being spoilt or at all unreasonable.
He made plans to have dinner with you. Then bailed, without even telling you and with no apology afterwards.
Of course its not his responsibility to feed you, but it became his responsibility when he told you to come over for a takeaway.

And its not the first time.

Just bin him.

He is disrespectful and has no manners. Why would you want that?

What happens if you bail out on him?

As in, sorry had to stay back at work just want to get home tonight long day. Whilst he sits there with two takeaways.

Is he chilled the other way round or is it a big deal?

Was he watching the football?
Doesn’t sound like this is a one off and being thoughtless is hardly romantic or polite is it?
He is showing who he is - believe him

Tell him you'll come for the takeaway tonight. Let him buy it all. Then just don't show and text him later on to say, Ha no takeaway for me tonight, just got in from the pub.

Please do this.

Tell him you'll come for the takeaway tonight. Let him buy it all. Then just don't show and text him later on to say, Ha no takeaway for me tonight, just got in from the pub.

Pleasssssseeee do this!!!

However precious you are being, in this, or any other situation, that's the exact right amount of precious for you. Same as however hungry you are at any given moment, that's the appropriate level of hungry for you, regardless of how hungry anybody else might be in a similar circumstance.

You are not too anything. You need to be faithful to who you naturally are. Respect your feelings. Respond to them, rather than putting them down/thinking they are 'too much'.

If you find yourself in a relationship/friendship/job/town/pub/bouncy castle/absolutely anything where you feel you are 'too something, the thing to change is the situation/company, not yourself. If you feel 'too precious' in your relationship, swap it for a relationship where you don't feel too precious. If you find yourself working in an office where you feel 'too shy', find a different office to work in, where you don't feel too shy.

The basic rule for life happiness is to take responsibility for making sure that you spend your time in places where you're happy. It doesn't involve any realisations about how your emotions are too much or about you needing to change.

You're perfect, warts and all. Know it. Spend time with people who agree, and don't make you question your emotional responses.

He didn't even bother to apologize - that would be it for me personally. He really doesn't give a shit about you. One thing flaking on you and if he was deeply apologetic I would probably let it go but the "ha" comment !
Zero respect - it was easy to be a great boyfriend when there was no distractions and also no chance of meeting anyone else so he had to be on his best behavior. It wasn't real life at all, this is, this is the real him. I would dump, raise the bar op.

It would be the end for me. He's flakey and unreliable. Does his phone not work when he's at the pub either?! Stuff that, he thinks his time is worth more than yours.

I am baffled that this would lead you to end a relationship unless there are other problems you haven't mentioned. Right to be pissed off, but to end it over that? Everyone is different - I just find it wild! Would expect a quick apology though - no more than that.

@TheStoic

Tell him you'll come for the takeaway tonight. Let him buy it all. Then just don't show and text him later on to say, Ha no takeaway for me tonight, just got in from the pub.

Please do this.

Surely he'd just say 'Oh well, all the more for me!', and get stuck in?

Couldn't be bothered with someone like that. Dump him and find someone who will respect you.

"You need to call him Today, not text as it can be misunderstood. Call him and explain how you felt, explain that you had no food as you took him for his word and then last night you came home tired and hungry and sad. Then let him speak. Listen for an apology and how/why he wont do it again. If he comes out with silly excuses that's not good. He needs to comprehend how it made you feel and ask him how he would feel in your shoes. He just thinks oh its no big deal... but you need to tell him how to made you feel. Tell him his behaviour is making you question him, is he flaky, can you trust his word. These are important values for you, he needs to know this.

If there is a pattern of behaviour here he needs told you can see it. If he has been told you wont tolerate it and he does it again, then there is a problem. 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'"

This is excellent advice by @Fruitandnuts

He goes to the pub for a couple, and stays all evening?
Prioritises pub over relationship?
‘Forgets’ prior arrangements?
How many units a week does he consume?

@Amithatbad1

Thanks everyone! As I said, last night I was so hurt that I just thought we're done but woke up this morning and imagined us discussing it and just thought I'd sound spoilt and high maintenence, stamping my feet because he didn't bring a takeaway when I was tired and hungry! That's exactly how I feel, that I'm second fiddle to the pub. It's not the first time he's changed our plans because he's gone to pub for "a couple". The problem is when it was lockdown we had the best time, he was fun and thoughtful and I just keep wanting that man back. I initially thought that the attraction of the pub was just a post lockdown thing and the novelty would wear off but lately I'm feeling that I'm just kidding myself! There's a side to him I absolutely adore but his flakiness where plans and the pub is involved is just bloody hurtful! I guess I just didn't want to end it because I saw potential but his lack of apology and thought last night has just made me rethink!

But you didn't demand a take away and then stamped your feet when you didn't get it. That's not what happened. He made arrangements with you and then didn't stick to them for no good reason and without properly communicating with you. He was very inconsiderate and unreliable and it's normal for you to be upset.

You need to tell him how you feel.

Run Run Run.