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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I dump him?

56 replies

kilolik · 12/10/2021 15:54

Back in January I ended up sleeping with a good friend of mine. One thing after the other led to this being a regular thing, and we both caught feelings for each other. I wasn't sure if we should date, but we said we'd give it a go.

We've been together since. But I've suddenly sort of got an ick. I've realised that I really care for him, but I don't love him. I've had moments over the past six months where I've started to feel it. My friend has been telling me to end things for some time, which tbh is putting me off him .

The problem is, he is my best friend. We are so similar and we share friendship group. I will really miss him if he decided to go nc. Our sex is amazing, some of the best I have ever had. But the problem is, I don't get butterflies.

I've told myself that because we started dating from friends, it won't be the same as the usual dating. I'm really torn. I have only once had the whole butterflies and true love thing with an ex. I don't know if it's cruel to keep this going as I'm not one hundred percent sure this can last for ever. But equally, I don't know if I am just getting cold feet with ' the grass is always greener'.

He is handsome, in shape, smart, and has a great career.

OP posts:

tintodeverano2 · 12/10/2021 15:56

But it's an established friendship so the butterflies you describe usually only appear (for me anyway!) when you first meet someone.

tickertock · 12/10/2021 16:03

The butterfly's are a rush of feelings that won't last, quite often those feelings can completely cloud your judgement and even if there're a dick you go along with it for the excitement until there's a bad break up.

It's difficult to get a perfect partner with everything you're looking for and feelings sometimes you have to compromise on something.

From what you described he sounds great, I'd see how it goes, feelings can grow more over time too, ultimately if you're really not feeling it at all then it's kinder to get him go.

raymondanddebra · 12/10/2021 16:05

Don't dump him. Like someone else says butterflies go. And he's a great catch who treats u well and plus Amazing sex. I think u would be mad to dump him

Owlink · 12/10/2021 16:07

Butterflies are usually in the getting to know stage, aren't they? And you already know him. It might be worse than you're admitting to yourself and the full on ick may follow but I wouldn't end it just for lack of butterflies. He sounds lovely.

AlbertBridge · 12/10/2021 16:08

My friend has been telling me to end things for some time, which tbh is putting me off him

Who is this friend? What's their situation? Are they single?

Original poster

kilolik · 12/10/2021 16:11

I just half think that there might be something better for both of us out there. I'm only 26 so do have time.

The friend is single, someone I met a while back and had a disastrous few dates with.

OP posts:

todaysdilemma · 12/10/2021 16:13

What do you mean by 'ick' in this case? Is it that certain habits or parts of his personality are putting you off him? Or that you just don't fancy him at all anymore?

If it's either of those, that's not great tbh... 6 months into dating, you should still be quite enamoured by him. This doesn't necessarily mean 'butterflies' or wanting to jump his bones - but you get a warm, happy feeling when you see his face, sort of thing. Do you get that at all?

Also, why is your friend so insistent you break up with him?? This seems odd, unless he's abusive or cheating? He/she isn't trying to sabotage, I hope?

He sounds lovely but you know best from your relationship history whether by this time, you're more in love with the person or not. I feel by 6 months you do normally know. Have you been on holiday together? I find that is normally a great test for how you feel as it makes you spend a lot of time together just 1 on 1 and if you don't finish the hol feeling very bonded and in love, or if you're not enjoying his company - it's not ever going to happen. Also it takes away external pressures so you can both be yourselves.

So maybe take a holiday if you haven't already to see how you feel.

todaysdilemma · 12/10/2021 16:14

@kilolik

I just half think that there might be something better for both of us out there. I'm only 26 so do have time.

The friend is single, someone I met a while back and had a disastrous few dates with.

Oh for heavens sake.

This person clearly isn't a 'friend' then, has an ulterior motive and you should absolutely not be listening to them unless all your other friends echo the same.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/10/2021 16:16

Why does your friend think you should end it?

AlbertBridge · 12/10/2021 16:18

The friend is single, someone I met a while back and had a disastrous few dates with.

Men who have even a passing interest in a woman never ever never give them reliable/honest dating advice. It's ALWAYS, "You could do better.." Always. Stop listening. Make up your own mind.

Your BF sounds adorable. I would!

butterflyze · 12/10/2021 16:19

The 'friend' can't have you, and doesn't want someone else to have you either. Ignore that friend's advice, it is not impartial.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/10/2021 16:19

X post. Yeah that sounds like your "friend" wants to sabotage things for you. Have they been pointing out flaws in your BF that are now putting you off?

I think a PPs suggestion of going away together is a good one.

Whowhenhowwhy · 12/10/2021 16:21

Every relationship in my view feels different and has different qualities.

My first 2 serious boyfriends. I never fell in love. Never fancied them. Never felt into them. But I went along with it due to low self esteem.

My 3rd boyfriend was kind. Loving. Made me feel like the only girl in the world for him. I felt safe. Had my children. But I realised he didn't have anything in common with me. I was not attracted to him and I found him to plain. He had no adventure in him. Didn't give me any excited feelings and his humour was boring after a few years.

My newest boyfriend I have never experienced a love like it. I am in love. He makes me nervous. Gives me butterflies. Turns me on big style. Makes me laugh. Frustrates me. We are opposites with our tempers and life experiences. But we come together and we have this bond that I can't explain. He's the one who's caused me the most stress. He's the one I've had ups and downs with. But he's the one who's got me living more. Laughing more. I see the world so differently because of him. Its a funny kind of love.

I've never experienced everything within one person.

dodobookends · 12/10/2021 16:23

Best friend - tick
Amazing sex - tick

To be honest, they could be regarded as the two most important aspects of a relationship. So why would you want to dump him?

Stop listening to your so-called friend, who is trying to sabotage things imo.

SmileyClare · 12/10/2021 16:26

Firstly, stop being influenced by your other "friend" urging you to dump him. Weird.

If you want to end things then is it because you don't want to be in a committed relationship with anyone? You want to play the field? Is that it? I mean that's understandable, you're young.

The way you describe your boyfriend makes me wonder what else you are looking for? Best friends? Yes Great sex? Yes You want him in your life? Yes.
Why not enjoy it while it's good?

Butterflies are caused by an adrenaline rush restricting blood flow to your digestive system, and increasing heart rate and blood pressure. If you experienced this continuously you'd be very ill and probably have a stroke.

BasicDad · 12/10/2021 16:28

I'm unsure how you can have the "ick" and have amazing sex.

TheFoundations · 12/10/2021 16:28

He is handsome, in shape, smart, and has a great career

The fact that you're detailing these things suggest that you think there's a checklist. There isn't.

Is he giving you the feeling you want to have when you are in a relationship? No; otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. Are you taking notice of a friend who is trying (for whatever dubious reason) to put you off him? Yes; so you're not very committed to him or good for him.

What more can anybody tell you?

jaqueinthebox · 12/10/2021 16:29

The grass isn't always greener.
Your "friend" has most likely got a lot of the same flaws he's been pointing out about your boyfriend, nobody's perfect.
You need to stop listening to your "friend" and make up your own mind.
The butterflies feeling doesn't last what matters is you get along really well, your sex life is good and your best friends, why you'd want to ruin that just on the off chance this "friend" may be a better option I don't know.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 12/10/2021 16:39

Honestly, butterflies after the first couple of dates were normally the sign for me that I had no idea where I stood.

My husband makes me such every single day and I know he'd do anything for me, and that's a million times better than 'butterflies'.

Also: Your friend has ulterior motives!

LinoVentura · 12/10/2021 16:55

The friend is single, someone I met a while back and had a disastrous few dates with.

And since then, you've told him that you're now seeing someone with whom you have amazing sex. It's no surprise that he's jealous and wants to sabotage what you have.

Imo you're out of order discussing your relationship with this 'friend'. He's male, single and you have some sort of history. It's none of his business plus he is in no position to give you impartial advice.

WimpoleHat · 12/10/2021 17:01

This made me laugh….but is a very good way to look at it!

Chances are if it’s a friendship which has developed you won’t get that “ooh, someone new and exciting” stage, because you know them already. You need to assess things as they are now. Obviously only you can say, but from an outsider’s point of view this has all the hallmarks of an “I dumped this amazing man and now he’s with someone else and I regret if so badly….” sort of scenario. Are you sure the grass is greener?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 12/10/2021 17:03

What you describe is actually a really strong foundation for a lasting relationship.
I'd take that over 'butterflies' any day of the week.

Oh - tell your friend to shut up. It is obvious they have an agenda here.

ChorizoJacketPotato · 12/10/2021 17:05

I’ve been married over 10 years. I don’t get butterflies any more. That’s normal. My husband is however my best friend, and our love evolves and deepens as time goes on.

ChorizoJacketPotato · 12/10/2021 17:06

Your ‘friend’ is not your friend. Dunk THEM, not your partner.

Starlight39 · 12/10/2021 17:10

"best friend with amazing sex' was how my good friend described her ex. She finished it though and then massively regretted it 2 years later. I didn't really get it as I thought "surely best friends and amazing sex IS everything you want!". She was going through a bit of a general crisis at the time though (not suggesting you are!).

What does the ick relate to if it isn't putting you off sex?

It doesn't sound like the "friend" is being much of one so I'd discount what he says.

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