Dh planning a significant career change. Supportive but concerned.

[CareerConcerns1999]

I have n/c as the details would be easily identifiable to my friends and family.

Dh is 36. For the past 15 years he has worked in a Support Assistant role in a SEN secondary school. He has undertaken additional training, and had promotions and, imo is exceptional at what he does.

It is not a high paid job, but whatever we "lose" as a family financially is paid back double fold by him being off all school holidays, evenings, weekends. I work ft mon-fri.

He is a fantastic father to our children, in no small part due to the fact that, during all holidays, he is (essentially) the SAHP.

He has, in the past, considered applying to become a police officer but (without any influence from me), never gone further. He is now considering it with the intention to apply.

He has, of course, discussed this with me, and I genuinely would never want to influence his career wishes.

There is, however, a part of me which worries about the effect on our time together as a family. We can, of course, utilise childcare for the school holidays (having been lucky not to need it up to now), and of course, our children will become teenagers soon enough so need less "looking after" day to day and will start spending their evenings and weekends on homework and with friends.

But the potential that he would have holidays with us cancelled, miss out on weekend days out, and generally see less of the children is at the forefront of my mind.

His current job is very physical, and he would have to reconsider it at some point in the future. I guess with the Police Force, he can dedicate these next few years to the role and the physical demands it has, witha view of taking a less physically exerting role as he nears retirement age.

The money would be a substantial increase, however we can afford to live a comfortable life currently so it isnt essential. He does have in the back of his mind a desire to earn more, but accepts the current set up works well (when balancing income and time together).

Ultimately, I will support whatever he plans and we as a family will adjust to the new routines (if he is successful). But I do wonder, have any of you been through similar where your partner has joined the force after starting a family - what sort of effect has it had on your life?

My husband is in the police force, he’s been in 2 years and is about to leave. The affect it’s had on our family life is fairly substantial, not to mention the emotional impact it’s had on my husband (he’d previously done 10 years in the army and 2 tours of Afghan so fairly resilient when it comes to trauma).
He’s missed first days of school, hospital appointments and heart surgery (our 2 year old), family birthdays, Christmas. For half the week I feel like I never see him with the 12.5 hour shifts plus travel, he leaves before the kids are awake and returns when they are asleep. It’s tough on family life. Also the money isn’t that great when you have to factor in additional childcare etc. I cannot wait for him to leave

I will add the police recruitment process is quite tough and takes FOREVER

Not sure of its changed. But when my dad was in he had to be fit for the beat, even when doing a desk job at approaching 60. So it's not gaurenteed he will be able to take it easier in later years. Though on a day to day basis he wasn't as physical.

I grew up with him in the police. Many Christmases where he either wasn't there, or had worked the night before so would watch us open presents, then go to bed. Get up for dinner, go get more sleep.

There were times he couldn't come on family trips. But neither he or my brother (brother recently left) have ever had a family holiday cancelled or anything like that.

But in all honesty, you get used to it. It didn't seem odd or like he was an absent parent. His shifts meant we may go a few days without seeing him and then see him loads.

Obviously he can't just not go in because one of the kids is ill and off school. So there's additional pressure on you.

How old are the kids? A friend of mine applied and started about 3 years ago. It took her 2 years to get in from application to start date. Not sure the current times, but it could be a case that your kids will be much older by the time he actually starts.

On the plus side he retired with a great pension in his mid 50s after doing over 30 years. He actually went and worked in the NHS and retired properly at 65. He is loving retirement now

So it's not gaurenteed he will be able to take it easier in later years. Though on a day to day basis he wasn't as physical

Dh is physically fit and well, and doesn't anticipate any swift decline, but the role he has now is incredibly physically demanding. He would keep up his general fitness, but having a job that didn't include physically lifting teens the same height / heavier than him will have to feature somewhere in his future at work. In his current role it just isnt possible to move into an area which would no longer have this.

Shame he’s not interested in developing his career in education as a teacher as he’d still get the holidays and regular hours and if he’s exceptional the students would benefit.

My DSs bff became a police officer.
He had planned to do it for a long time. Even got a degree in criminal justice.

Turns out he hated it after he got into it. It wasn't the kind of person he wanted to be as a lot of his co workers were cynical and jaded.

@tigerbread20

I will add the police recruitment process is quite tough and takes FOREVER

This is a bit of good news. I anticipate he will be fine with the physical aspect of the application. I am happy to hear it is a long process. Our children are 6 and 9.

@Karwomannghia

Shame he’s not interested in developing his career in education as a teacher as he’d still get the holidays and regular hours and if he’s exceptional the students would benefit.

I agree.

He doesn't want to become a teacher. His role is very much tailored to his own interests (ie he is the Lead in certain extra curricular activities, is the Trainer for staff courses etc). He appreciates and enjoys his job and the extra responsibilities he has. But he has no desire to become a Teacher

@CareerConcerns1999

So it's not gaurenteed he will be able to take it easier in later years. Though on a day to day basis he wasn't as physical

Dh is physically fit and well, and doesn't anticipate any swift decline, but the role he has now is incredibly physically demanding. He would keep up his general fitness, but having a job that didn't include physically lifting teens the same height / heavier than him will have to feature somewhere in his future at work. In his current role it just isnt possible to move into an area which would no longer have this.

But it would definitely feature in the police in his future work as well. Not everyone gets a desk job that easily when they reach a certain age

Its not a job I would take with the assumption that it won't be heavy lifting when you are older. My dad worked in the cells til he was 53. Loads of times he came home and people had been kicking off and he had to physically intervene.

Not entirely sure either of you realise how physical it is. I appreciate his job is physical now. But I wouldn't expect an easier ride when he is older. It could be very similar.

Not entirely sure either of you realise how physical it is. I appreciate his job is physical now. But I wouldn't expect an easier ride when he is older. It could be very similar

I completely agree. I certainly could not anticipate how physical it will be. Dh, I hope, will seek to better understand it before he applies.

Its certainly not the route I would take out of his current job if "less physically demanding" was the goal for when he hits 50.

I applied to be a Police Officer in December 2020 and have been given a start date of next month (providing I pass the vetting stage)

Some forces are quicker than others when recruiting (I know the MET can take up to 2 years sometimes) which force is he thinking of applying too?

Northumbria

I completely agree. I certainly could not anticipate how physical it will be. Dh, I hope, will seek to better understand it before he applies.

Does he know anyone, personally, who is in and would give him some honest advice? Even better of he knows a few people.

We have some people in our wider family group who have been in the Force for decades. I'll suggest he takes a couple of them out for beers

They love their job though, so that discussion will probably increase his motivation. Good to get more insider knowledge.

@CareerConcerns1999

Northumbria

From a Facebook police recruitment group I'm in someone applied to Northumbria in March 2020 and started in June 2021

I dont know the shift pattern for Northumbria but my force work 6 days (2 earlies, 2 lates, 2 nights) then get 4 days off. Of course he wont get all school holidays off but when his rest days fall on school days he could maybe do the pick up and drop off so may need less childcare?

Yes he will definitely pull his weight on the days he is around to help.

We wouldn't need term time childcare anyway, as my role allows me to do the afternoon school run, and the dc entertain themselves at home for the last hour while I finish off work.

I'd probably be more inclined to move some of my work to the evenings he is out on shift too, so on school days we will manage regardless. It's more the school holidays.

@CareerConcerns1999

Yes he will definitely pull his weight on the days he is around to help.

My husband will have to start stepping up more regards to school runs, interesting times ahead here.....!

Oh fod it's awful being married to a cop - which is why we divorced

It changed him so much

He was never around for the kids or me. It was guaranteed that whenever we had something to attend, he was working!

He became "too tired" to help with anything at home because of the shifts and finishing at 3am or starting work at 7pm

He basically checked out of family life. It's a fine career for someone single but to lose almost every weekend and tea time together was too much.

If you can put him off, I would. In fact tell him to PM me and I'll let him know how it feels to be married to a cop. My ex worked in the banks before so we went from amazing time together to hardly any.

Sorry I forgot to say. My ex was a similar age when he joined and the shifts just killed him. He wasn't prepared for always being on a different time zone and the lack of sleep

Having said all that, your dh sounds a much better husband and father than mine was to begin with. So maybe he will make a better effort at family life?

Most wives I know tho, feel the same as I did :(

I can only hope he will retain his wonderful ness when he starts doing shifts. He has never done shift work that involved working before 7am or after 9pm.

I spent a few years working a mix of earliest, lates and nights and its fucking awful.

School holidays will be manageable because you know when they are and can plan for them. Your DH may still be able to cover about one third of them which is huge. If you don’t need after school care and he is free to handle appointments without you needing to take time off, you should be fine.

I’d see if he can find out how far in advance he will get his shifts.

My understanding with Northumbria is you are placed onto a set Rotation with a specific group. This repeats annually. So in theory, shifts are known for way way in the future.

Obviously some amendments made for large scale events.

My DH was a police officer, it had a huge impact on family life and one of the main reasons he left.

Police life dictates everything: the shifts, set holiday dates, weekend working. It's virtually impossible to change shifts so be prepared to go to family events, weddings, school events etc without him. My family and friends found it difficult to understand why he couldn't just take a day/weekend/Christmas off.

Court is a total pain, DH was called back from holiday and had countless rest days cancelled to go and give evidence in court. So you can't even count on their days off. Then there's policing big events when more rest days get cancelled.

The salary is not bad but check the pension contributions they are very high and non negotiable (unless he opts out) so take home salary isn't as great.

Shift work takes a major toll on physical and mental health, some people find it harder than others to sleep enough during the day time and depending on the force the shift pattern can be hard going, moving from earlies, lates to nights. It's hard to keep kids quiet while they are trying to sleep. If DC are at school they can go days without seeing their parent (e.g. late shift).

@CareerConcerns1999

My understanding with Northumbria is you are placed onto a set Rotation with a specific group. This repeats annually. So in theory, shifts are known for way way in the future.

Obviously some amendments made for large scale events.

Yes our family used to laugh that DH could tell them a year in advance what shift he would be on. But as I say Court appearances mess everything up, I can't tell you the amount of plans we had to cancel because he had to make an appearance.