Dh planning a significant career change. Supportive but concerned.

[CareerConcerns1999]

I have n/c as the details would be easily identifiable to my friends and family.

Dh is 36. For the past 15 years he has worked in a Support Assistant role in a SEN secondary school. He has undertaken additional training, and had promotions and, imo is exceptional at what he does.

It is not a high paid job, but whatever we "lose" as a family financially is paid back double fold by him being off all school holidays, evenings, weekends. I work ft mon-fri.

He is a fantastic father to our children, in no small part due to the fact that, during all holidays, he is (essentially) the SAHP.

He has, in the past, considered applying to become a police officer but (without any influence from me), never gone further. He is now considering it with the intention to apply.

He has, of course, discussed this with me, and I genuinely would never want to influence his career wishes.

There is, however, a part of me which worries about the effect on our time together as a family. We can, of course, utilise childcare for the school holidays (having been lucky not to need it up to now), and of course, our children will become teenagers soon enough so need less "looking after" day to day and will start spending their evenings and weekends on homework and with friends.

But the potential that he would have holidays with us cancelled, miss out on weekend days out, and generally see less of the children is at the forefront of my mind.

His current job is very physical, and he would have to reconsider it at some point in the future. I guess with the Police Force, he can dedicate these next few years to the role and the physical demands it has, witha view of taking a less physically exerting role as he nears retirement age.

The money would be a substantial increase, however we can afford to live a comfortable life currently so it isnt essential. He does have in the back of his mind a desire to earn more, but accepts the current set up works well (when balancing income and time together).

Ultimately, I will support whatever he plans and we as a family will adjust to the new routines (if he is successful). But I do wonder, have any of you been through similar where your partner has joined the force after starting a family - what sort of effect has it had on your life?

I just had an idea

In his time off or holidays he should volunteer as a special police officer and see what he thinks of it?

2 family members are in the police, 1 sibling and a cousin

My male cousin had his paternity leave cancelled by the disruption caused by various protestors ER and reclaim the night and ended up having to get signed off sick so he didn't have miss the first few weeks of his daughters birth

My sibling has had 3 lots of annual leave cancelled now has 11 weeks (owing to stuff being carried over ) to take before the end of March

Sibling is very fed up and my cousin has handed his notice in he's got a job as a security guard/porter at
The local hospital

Less money buy less stressful

Met my husband when we were both in the police. I've now left.

It's shit. He's never here and when he is here he's knackered. There's a lot of resentment from me (even knowing how the job works and the demands it places on officers) that I am the default parent to manage sick kids, unexpected time off (such as unable to attend childcare settings due to covid bubbles etc), appointments and family admin. He's 43 and been doing it for 20 years. The shifts are draining, especially now we have kids. He's just been told that no further requests for leave will be considered between now and next February.

If he loves it, he'll really love it, it's a job like no other. But beware that it sucks you in, fucks you over and spits you out again.

Could I suggest him applying to be a special constable.? This will give him (and you) a flavour of the job and help him in his application.

Sorry I've not been very optimistic.

@bettertimesarecomingnow

I just had an idea

In his time off or holidays he should volunteer as a special police officer and see what he thinks of it?

Excellent suggestion before throwing away a job with ideal hours for the family

Not to put a bad spin on things but my best friends partner has just left Northumbria police, he got the policing degree with them and was only actually working on the frontline for 2 months. But he couldn't morally hack the work, in terms of police brutality going on behind the scenes. Think police assaulting people once in cuffs etc.. issues all the way up the chain of command. He's had to take a few weeks off to cope as it's really shocked him and he's now returned back to teaching work within an agency. So similar sort of circumstances.

Great suggestion. My brother always wanted to be in the police, everything he did was geared round it. He joined the specials for some experience before applying and absolutely hated it. Completely changed his mind.

DH and I did similar except that it was him that worked full time and me who had a very flexible job which allowed us not to need childcare etc

Then one day I didn’t want to do that anymore.
I didn’t want to be the second earner. I didn’t want to do a job just because it made his life and the kids’ lives easier.
It wasn’t just about money either - DH earns loads - but also it was. I wanted to earn good money. I wanted to be successful in my own right.

So I took a brilliant opportunity but one that impacted on everyone.
And...it was totally fine. More than fine.
DH stepped up more. The kids stepped up more. They’re now adults and so so proud of me and what I do.

Specials is an excellent suggestion.

I think I will show dh this thread this evening and he can take in and consider the posts that have been shared.

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences of having someone they know in the Force.

Then one day I didn’t want to do that anymore.I didn’t want to be the second earner. I didn’t want to do a job just because it made his life and the kids’ lives easier

I do hope dh doesn't feel this way.

He was in this job well before we had children - this is what he wanted to do. It's good, as a bonus, that it means we do not need holiday childcare.

We have both earned similar amounts throughout our relationship. Mine is slightly higher currently as I have just taken on some additional responsibilities. All money is shared.

It was similar for me in that I was doing what I’d done pre-kids. And it was so useful to have someone who could be flexible once we had kids.

But then one day I just didn’t want to be the flexible one anymore.
I had this huge sense of life passing me by.
I sort of thought, if I don’t get this ball rolling now then I’ll never do it.

I’m not saying this is how your DH feels OP. But for me it was a very clear change of mindset.

I was raised as the DC of a police officer, and am now (completely coincidentally!) married to one and have two DC.

There's pros and cons to the job, and it will depend on the force and their actual role. Yes, shift work can be truly shit and as a family we tend to go through cycles on whether he is working in a shift-pattern role, or whether we've all had enough and he does something else for a while. There are non shift-pattern roles, but they may not be what your DH wants to do. But equally, as a PP says, DH might not be around much for a few days but then he suddenly is around for a few days, and sometimes that's a real perk. If it coincides with school holidays it's great. I do remember growing up that our Christmas Days could be a bit unusual, either with DF nipping home for an hour in the morning to watch us open our presents, or hanging on until he was home early afternoon, but that just seemed normal to us.

I'm used to it, so I may not be the best person to provide advice about what it is like. I also have a DH who pulls his weight and has never done the whole "I'm tired, I can't help out" schtick, which would push me over the edge.

It's a job which, like a lot of others, comes with some very real changes to family life and you do need to think about them. But then again, I honestly would rather this life than a DH who worked 10 hours a day in a corporate job and always seemed to make it home after bedtime. And at the end of the day, while the job is shit sometimes and there can be difficult periods, it's what DH wanted to do - he left the corporate role for this - and I'd much rather he was doing a job he wanted to do, than being unhappy and stressed in another role.

I'm from a police family and I looked seriously - very seriously - at joining myself a couple of years ago at the ripe old age of 48!

It is absolutely expected that you will have spoken to serving officers as part of the recruitment process in my area. So that's definitely something that he needs to do anyway. My area had recruitment events which were actually brilliant (and in fact, it was one tiny thing that was said at the recruitment event that made me decide against applying).

Shifts are hard on the person doing them and hard on the relationship but can be brilliant for family life as long as the person doesn't use them as an excuse to duck out. My friends DH is on shift (not police) and is a really active parent, fully involved, and although her work is based around DCs (she works in retail) she also picks up loads of overtime based around his shifts. It's absolutely not a consideration for her 'if' he'll do a pick up or whatever - if he's not at work, he does it.

The shifts are a big concern - it will be a real period of adjustment for us all, but especially for dh. He is a man who thrives on 10pm bed, 7am awake sort of thing. He cannot nap.

Of course, this will have to change. I hope he is giving the shift work serious consideration in relation to his sleep habits.

I can’t imagine how he’ll go with regular night sniff if that’s the case. It would be incredibly hard for a family as a whole to go from having zero out of hours work to constant shift work.

We are a shift working household. I would not recommend it to people with young children who are accustomed to very light (to a shiftworker) working hours. I think it’s very easy from the outside to think it will be fine but constant nights, weekends and public holidays take a real toll.

I left my last place due to shift working. By the time dc2 came along, I was going 48 hours without seeing the kids and it wasn't good.

I hope he doesn't anticipate that it is easy or that he will get used to it.

I left teaching at the age of thirty and joined the Police. I had a two year old at the time and DH was very supportive and encouraging.
You need to have rock solid childcare with back up. We had no family within three hundred miles so it was quite difficult. We used full time nursery and then had au pairs from Reception to the start of secondary school.

Shifts can be a killer and I still sleep very badly twenty five years later.
I loved my job though.
I ended it after twenty two years service after an horrific assault.
Be aware that Police Officers socialise with Police Officers and previous friendship groups often fall by the wayside due to shift work and the assumption that others don’t “ get it”.

Yes about the rock solid childcare and back up. I’ve been lucky to have a supportive job who let me just up and leave if I need too, but as we have no family here I’ve had to use friends on a few more occasions than I’d prefer to (they’re all lovely and don’t mind but i do feel bad asking sometimes!)

I have a very flexible employer and my mother is on hand to pick up any emergencies if really needed. I get a lot of annual leave, but the role does require me to work specific weeks of each month so my capacity to use the annual leave is reduced based on deadlines.

Flexible and accommodating employer will be your saviour.
About twenty years ago DH and I both had to be in work, with no exceptions ( I had a murder trial to attend and DH had a Marks and Spencer audit ).
His company paid MIL to fly down to babysit!!

One more thing to consider - do you have a spare bedroom?

If dh gets in at 3am and you want a lie in, it's best if there is a spare room for him to sleep in. Or even if you fancy a snuggle in bed with the kids or want to dry your hair in the bedroom - you can't do any of these things when the person next to you has has 4 hours sleep and needs the room to himself.

We slept separately probably half our marriage for night shifts / late shifts / while he was at work. It was really shit.

You'll also need to factor in being quiet while he is on night shift (asleep during the day) or go out while he sleeps.

This was the only thing I refused to do, I tried it for a while but traipsing around on a wet weekend unable to go home wasn't fun so I said can you wear ear plugs and we will be as quiet as we can.

I'm sure loads of families make it work but they are usually used to it - ie dh has always been in the police so it's not a huge shock to the system.

My home office has a double bed in it, so logistically I could base myself in there on the relevant nights (talk about mixing home and work life).

Well that could work. Im sorry I don't mean to be so negative about it and I hope it all works out

@bettertimesarecomingnow

Well that could work. Im sorry I don't mean to be so negative about it and I hope it all works out

Oh I didn't take your post as negative - just giving me some real world examples which I need.

I know loads of police officers. In most situations it’s completely incompatible with family life and either they’re divorced or their wives have had to vastly reduce their own career options in order to facilitate the ridiculous expectations of presenteeism.

There’s also a significant element of machoism and misogyny that is still endemic in many forces and that has spilled over into the family lives of many people I know.

Like hellomissus I have been in a similar position. I have had a flexible, part-time but reasonably fulfilling job for many years which fits well around family life. A few years ago I had a one-in-a-million opportunity to move into my dream full-time role in a different industry. I grabbed it with both hands. DH was amazing and absolutely stepped up. I utterly loved that bloody job.

But.

It was shit for family life, it really was. Endless juggling. Wrap around care. Summer camps. Kids missing out on extra curriculars and play dates because there was just no way to make it work. And that was with a regular office-hours job.

After a year I decided enough was enough and returned to my old part-time job. Part of me will always be wistful for "the job the got away", but the reality is you simply can't always have what you want and being a parent and a family involves unpalatable sacrifices and letting go of a few dreams.