Dh planning a significant career change. Supportive but concerned.

[CareerConcerns1999]

I have n/c as the details would be easily identifiable to my friends and family.

Dh is 36. For the past 15 years he has worked in a Support Assistant role in a SEN secondary school. He has undertaken additional training, and had promotions and, imo is exceptional at what he does.

It is not a high paid job, but whatever we "lose" as a family financially is paid back double fold by him being off all school holidays, evenings, weekends. I work ft mon-fri.

He is a fantastic father to our children, in no small part due to the fact that, during all holidays, he is (essentially) the SAHP.

He has, in the past, considered applying to become a police officer but (without any influence from me), never gone further. He is now considering it with the intention to apply.

He has, of course, discussed this with me, and I genuinely would never want to influence his career wishes.

There is, however, a part of me which worries about the effect on our time together as a family. We can, of course, utilise childcare for the school holidays (having been lucky not to need it up to now), and of course, our children will become teenagers soon enough so need less "looking after" day to day and will start spending their evenings and weekends on homework and with friends.

But the potential that he would have holidays with us cancelled, miss out on weekend days out, and generally see less of the children is at the forefront of my mind.

His current job is very physical, and he would have to reconsider it at some point in the future. I guess with the Police Force, he can dedicate these next few years to the role and the physical demands it has, witha view of taking a less physically exerting role as he nears retirement age.

The money would be a substantial increase, however we can afford to live a comfortable life currently so it isnt essential. He does have in the back of his mind a desire to earn more, but accepts the current set up works well (when balancing income and time together).

Ultimately, I will support whatever he plans and we as a family will adjust to the new routines (if he is successful). But I do wonder, have any of you been through similar where your partner has joined the force after starting a family - what sort of effect has it had on your life?

This thread has been so eye opening, I thought us military wives had a hard but this sounds so much harder.

@JaniceBattersby

I know loads of police officers. In most situations it’s completely incompatible with family life and either they’re divorced or their wives have had to vastly reduce their own career options in order to facilitate the ridiculous expectations of presenteeism.

There’s also a significant element of machoism and misogyny that is still endemic in many forces and that has spilled over into the family lives of many people I know.

I have to disagree strongly with this. We’ve had two children while my DH has been in the police and I’ve continued to thrive in my career, working mostly full time and having to commute into the city. Yes, it requires some juggling, especially as we don’t have family on the doorstep, but overall it’s been fine.

Plus the whole misogyny, machismo angle is really overplayed, particularly on social media and in the press. The majority of police join because they think it sounds like an interesting and useful job, not because they want to be bully boys. You know your husband already - really, what are the chances he’s suddenly going to turn into an arsehole? Highly unlikely!

I agree with Janice. My ex did turn into an arsehole and anyone who maintains misogyny isn't rife in the Met is on another planet.
I managed to keep my career going and when ex finally left (loads of police have affairs it's the perfect cover) I was already used to going to everything alone so I was pretty independent anyway.

Ex started young in the Met though and I think it really warped him.

I listened to a radio programme recently (not in the UK) but I'm sure the comments raised would apply anywhere. Many criminals are in gangs and are armed and they are ruthless. A young mother spoke of the fear she faced everyday..... would her husband come home alive or not. The programme was eye opening. I've seen the physical altercations between police and protestors. Nah not for me thanks. Is it possible that DH can speak to ex police officers for their take on being in the police force? Could he take a specialist role within the police due to his background? Could he take on a Saturday night security role to get some idea of how to deal with bad behaviour due to alcohol /drugs. There are many questions he needs to ask before he fills out an application form.