Resent that mum never worked/had a job - causing rifts between us

[Waferbiscuit]

My mother married right out of University and since then has been a SAHM/SAHW. She only ever held one job, over the summer, when she was 20 and and has never had a job since.

She has lived a very comfortable life - children at a young age, divorced but remarried quickly so no change in her financial circumstances, moderately successful husband and kids at home until they left when she was 48. Since then she has spent the last 40+ years travelling, pottering and quite frankly stretching out daily chores into the day. She is part of a weird generation of mc women who expected to be cared for and probably never expected to work.

By contrast I have worked FT since leaving University, now a single parent, still working and juggling everything.

The fact that mum has never worked means she's lived in a real bubble, and has very skewed views about public life and the world of work. This causes huge rifts between us and really affects our relationship.

• She has very little concept of what work is like and the pressures of modern work so when I explain that I am stressed she thinks that it's my fault and I need to manage it.
• She doesn't understand that people need to do work outside of 9-5
• She has no real sense of what it's like to have someone instructing you/telling you what to do; she has literally been 'self guided' her entire life
• She thinks it's easy to get a job and promotion so doesn't understand why they aren't forthcoming for me or my siblings.
• She is deeply unproductive so thinks juggling means trying to do the dishes and laundry in the same morning and considers that 'busy-ness' to be on par with mine
• She is very naive about money and assumes everyone is on a relatively good wage. She doesn't understand why I can't go part-time.
• She dresses in organic frocks and proudly doesn't wear makeup or do her hair but her 'hippyness' is a privilege - she doesn't clock that other people actually have to look and dress professionally for work.
• She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.

I know I should be grateful that she's not working in a factory to scrape by, but her naiviety means there's an entire aspects of my life she doesn't understand and over the years it's caused real tensions. I partly resent that she doesn't get it and partly resent that she's had such an easy ride that she takes for granted or really considers her due.

Posting just to see if anyone else has the same problem and how they made peace with it.

@PlanDeRaccordement
So sorry to hear your story 💐

She’s expressed resentment re. DP’s Mum holidaying with us a few times over the years. Now the kids are older and less labour intensive, she now wants to be a proper Grandma as she’s lonely.

One of our family friends/neighbours is devastated that her only child & gc moved miles away to be closer to his inlaws. In 5 years she looked after 1 gc for a few hours, that was it. She's financially very comfortable but didn't give them a penny to help with a deposit. Now those two things aren't to be expected but she can't then moan when they go nearer inlaws who are hands on & where housing is cheaper. She feels really hard done by that her son can't come every weekend to help with the house etc & claims she has been abandoned.

@HadEnoughofOtherThreads

thelegohooverer ‘I suspect the problem isn’t so much that your life circumstances have been different but that your dm lacks empathy and consideration and is doing nothing to meet either your emotional or practical needs.

That’s not about being a sahm, or not having worked. If she had a demanding career, I think it would still be all about her.’

I agree with this. My Mum has always worked FT but I have similar frustrations to the OP as my Mum believes the World evolves around her. She was always too busy to be bothered with our 3 DC when they were younger and needed more attention. We stopped asking for babysitting help with the rare date night after the 3rd ‘I’m not sure what I’ll be doing then, but I’ll be busy (gym/hair, etc).’ Lots of rows over the years. Reluctance to attend DC Birthday parties. Upset that she wasn’t the centre of attention at my Birthday party. She always assumed that DP had paid for my new bag/shoes, etc even though I’ve worked since I was a teenager and earn a good wage. I had to learn to detach a little and I’m now able to let it go over my head most of the time. She’s expressed resentment re. DP’s Mum holidaying with us a few times over the years. Now the kids are older and less labour intensive, she now wants to be a proper Grandma as she’s lonely.

I have an Aunt who worked a few odd low paying PT jobs whilst raising 5 DC. She now resents them for ruining her life. Her relationship broke down as money was tight. She refused to work but kept getting pregnant against the wishes of her then DP. She now has MH issues, is terrible with money, has difficult or non-existent relationships with all of her DC and is upset that none of them will house her or fund her lifestyle.

Oh stop it, ‘against the wishes of her DP’ - did she get herself pregnant?

But @LowlandLucky there were many women who had to work even when they had children back in the day. My mother was a victim of expectation but, at the same time, it was also probably easier for her to go along with it. Not everyone is career minded.

But again, the fact different women have different choices is not about women of a certain generation, not about SAHM. Saying not everyone is career minded, completely ignores the two decades of social conditioning that women face before they get to the world of work.

How often do you hear people talk about men not being career minded and using it as an insult?

She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.

I suspect this ^ is what is the real cause of your resentment is and all these conversations about promotions and having to work outside of 9-5 are to do with childcare. So if you really want your 80 year old mother to help with your childcare you really are telling her to " increase her productivity" in a way

@Waferbiscuit

You seem to have forgotten that up until recently women had to give up work when they had children. Your elderly Mother is of a certain time

But @LowlandLucky there were many women who had to work even when they had children back in the day. My mother was a victim of expectation but, at the same time, it was also probably easier for her to go along with it. Not everyone is career minded.

It’s not simply a case of being a “victim of expectation,” though, maternity leave simply didn’t exist until the mid-1970’s so a pregnant woman had to leave her job-yes, she could go back to work later if she could find childcare, but not to her previous job, IYSWIM.

My Mum had a high-flying career and deliberately waited until 38 to have me. It was just before maternity leave became law ( and even then it was limited in scope) so she has to leave when she was five months pregnant. She then waited until I was five and settled in school to go back-not at the same level, of course. I suppose she could’ve got a nanny earlier, but she wanted to spend time with me.

So don’t be too judgmental , things were so different for their generation.

@Bagelsandbrie

Hmm are you sure you’re not actually unhappy with your life and perhaps even a bit jealous of your Mums? Reading between the lines that’s how it reads.

It’s okay that she doesn’t understand your world, you don’t sound like you understand hers either. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a good relationship.

This 100% !Its great that she is in her 80s and has had a lovely life.She must be in her 80s so concentrate on the positive qualities she has .

Coming from a family in a different income bracket, I never knew any mothers of that age who didn't have to work at least part time while their DC were young, then upped their hours when they had more childfree time available.

Coming from a similar income bracket, living on a council estate, very few of the mums round our way worked.

@dongke

You do realise, that when she was a SAHM she won't have had most of the mod cons that we have now. Life was much harder without washing machines/microwaves/internet/home deliveries etc : it was back breaking work.

When did washing machines & microwaves become the norm? my mum & aunt are early 70s & we had these things growing up.

My parents got their first automatic washing machine in 1974 when my mum went to work part time when I was 4. Till then she had a twin tub, so that was through all the nappy years. We got a microwave in the mid 80s.

Don’t be disparaging of other people’s experiences because they’re different from yours

So many 'is' my last post, sorry, multi-tasking

Don’t be disparaging of other people’s experiences because they’re different from yours

who's doing that?

My dm worked full time all through my child hood, to pay for me and my siblings to have private education and opportunities.
I went to med school, and have worked full time as a doctor ever since.
My mother used passive aggressively criticise me for working when my dc were small, but if I'd stopped work she'd have commented about how much money was spent to give me chances she never had.

I had to just grit teeth and ignore it.. I was never going to be in the right

On the other hand, my mum worked full time from when I was three months old and my dad did the vast majority of school runs, pick-ups and childcare while I was in primary school.

She often left for work at 6am and wasn't back until 9-10pm. I resented her for not being around when all my friends had mums' who were more "present" than she was.

Now as an adult I can see she found her career extremely fulfilling but it's not what I want out of my life and I work 25ish hours a week for the work-life balance as I swore I would never let a job take over my life the way she did.

But she was happy and I'm happy. We're just different people who want different things. Resenting her now won't change what happened in the past.

Middle class women of that generation are the ‘princess’ generation. There is some expectation that they will be looked after by others. My mum started expecting lifts etc in her 50s - my friends of that age now are far more independent! I think not having a job does lead to loss of confidence etc and seeing their daughters doing so much can throw them a bit?

My parents got their first automatic washing machine in 1974 when my mum went to work part time when I was 4. Till then she had a twin tub, so that was through all the nappy years. We got a microwave in the mid 80s.

My parents still had their twin tub until we moved in 1984. Same with a proper electric hoover. I think I was a teenager so maybe the early 90s before we had a microwave.

She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.--I suspect this ^ is what is the real cause of your resentment is and all these conversations about promotions and having to work outside of 9-5 are to do with childcare. So if you really want your 80 year old mother to help with your childcare you really are telling her to " increase her productivity" in a way

Honestly I've never asked my mom to help with the DCs and she's never offered once, so I'm resigned with that. I'm honestly not too bothered.

She's also never helped me financially despite me being a single parent and years of struggling. Of course, she's not obliged to and I guess it's 'her money' but she's now quite wealthy due to inheritances from many childless men in her family. One would think she'd be a bit more giving about it, seeing as she didn't really make that money herself, but that's another story.

Middle class women of that generation are the ‘princess’ generation. There is some expectation that they will be looked after by others.

What a load of rubbish, and an incredibly sexist way to talk about women of any generation.

I’m very sorry to hear about @PlanDeRaccordement’s mother, but I wonder whether it was actually (undiagnosed?) mental illness that hampered her career rather than strictly the limitations of the time.

My mother is almost exactly the same age - born in ‘38 - similarly did a doctorate after uni, then worked FT first as an academic and then head teacher. Many of her female friends and colleagues combined raising children with FT academic or teaching careers. It was absolutely possible and quite common.

One would think she'd be a bit more giving about it, seeing as she didn't really make that money herself, but that's another story.

She didn’t earn the money and doesn’t deserve it, but you (who also didn’t earn the money) do deserve to have it?

Yes. As one of the despised boomer generation, with two adult DDs and a toddler DGC, Mumsnet really depresses me at times. It's made me second guess my every interaction with my DDs because it seems as though we parents can't do right for doing wrong. Posters complain about their parents doing things that wouldn't occur to me to be an issue, so suddenly parenting adults feels like a minefield.

Mercifully, so far when I've checked on things(after washing up our lunch things while my DD was feeding my DGD and putting her down for her nap, I carried on cleaning her kitchen for something to do, then panicked!) my worries have been met with bemusement and 'of course, it's okay!'. But jeeze, it seems hard to do right. Now we're being judged (by some) simply for being born into a time when things weren't as they are now.

@Pumperthepumper
‘Oh stop it, ‘against the wishes of her DP’ - did she get herself pregnant?’

They had an agreement that they would not have anymore DC after having twins (3 DC at this stage) and that she would get a PT job when the youngest was in school but she lied about being on the contraception that they had agreed on, as she wanted to have more babies and did not want to work. I know this as this is what she said!

She is deeply unproductive so thinks juggling means trying to do the dishes and laundry in the same morning and considers that 'busy-ness' to be on par with mine

What does she say when you point out that you manage to juggle the dishes & laundry AND fit in a 40 hour working week?

Even if your mother had worked, there is no guarantee that she would "get it". My parents both worked as teachers before taking early retirement in the late 90s. They have never worked outside education, have no clue what life is like outside their experience in the public sector, which ended in the 90s.

I do think though you are unreasonable to expect financial or practical help as she is under no obligation to provide either.

When you have that kind of character:
If she had had a career with long hours you could resent her for not being there for you enough.
If she had worked long hours (in several jobs) to scrape by you could resent her for not being there for you AND not offering you a life style and material stuff.
You'll find something to resent her for anyway.

@Waferbiscuit

She doesn't help me in any way - financially or with DCs - because she's always too busy doing nothing at all, but she's 'very busy'.--I suspect this ^ is what is the real cause of your resentment is and all these conversations about promotions and having to work outside of 9-5 are to do with childcare. So if you really want your 80 year old mother to help with your childcare you really are telling her to " increase her productivity" in a way

Honestly I've never asked my mom to help with the DCs and she's never offered once, so I'm resigned with that. I'm honestly not too bothered.

She's also never helped me financially despite me being a single parent and years of struggling. Of course, she's not obliged to and I guess it's 'her money' but she's now quite wealthy due to inheritances from many childless men in her family. One would think she'd be a bit more giving about it, seeing as she didn't really make that money herself, but that's another story.

Will you do it differently with your kids, do you think? Spend your retirement doing childcare and handing money out to your grown up children?