Should I write to family abroad

[JandD]

I did a name change because I don't want to be recognised.

I have a brother. About 6 years ago there was a change in him. About 5 years ago I came to realise the changes were more than likely due to drugs. His drunken spells or nights out, were not normal drunk spells. The hangovers were not normal either. Days in the bed and avoiding the family.

It was about 2019 when I saw something else. This was a serious addiction. He was missing so many days in work. He work week was Monday to Friday but there were so many weeks when he missed a Monday and sometimes Tuesday and sometimes also a Wednesday. A lot of times he would go out and he would lose his belongings - jacket, phone, e-cigarette. He used to do the worst thing ever and drive home drunk/on drugs. It was awful. Not only all of that, the relationship with his girlfriend failed. I suppose she got sick of being second best to his mates and drugs and fled and rightly so.

The pandemic didn't help much but thankfully he did follow the public health guidelines. There was a spell at home where he started drinking on a Thursday evening and he was up all night and into Friday and Friday evening. He showed some bizarre behaviour on Friday. None of it was a shock to me. I kne wit was drugs. My was completely deluded about his condition. She really had her head buried in the sand about him.

He was never honest with me. I think he is doing some hard drugs llwith his friends like maybe speed and then using weed at home to come down from speed. Even if he's not using speed or other hard drugs and if it's just weed, it doesn't agree with him. He is such a recluse now. It really doesn't agree with him.

Eventually throughout 2020 and 2021, his health is not good. There's a few things.

• insomnia
• hand tremors
• some sort of depression

I read that drugs can deplete hormones and then it clicked with me. His poor-ish health is due to drugs. Its chicken and egg scenario. The drugs came first. Then the decline in health.

There was a family funeral during the summer and he was anti social and he displayed some hand tremors. He sat complaining at the function table as if he was a little boy. I see this as another effect of drugs.

I have two more siblings who emirated about 10 years ago. They went to Australia and settled there. They worked hard. They wanted my brother over for a few years but it didn't happen. The pandemic didn't help. The brother applied for a visa earlier this year. There wasnt a decision made yet on the visa from Australia. The borders will be opening from November the first but it looks like it might be December when the borders are open for foreign people without an exemption.

It might be December by the time a decision is made on a visa for him.

My siblings abroad really have no idea about the mess at home. They really have no clue. They think the reason our brother is not working is because he can't find a job but that's not true. He's not working because of drugs.

On one hand I can see how getting away will do our brother some good. To see a new part of the world, meet new people, work, earn a wage,get away from his friends/buddies drink and drugs group.

On the other hand, I feel uneasy about it. He is a man who needs rehap and medical intervention, not a visa. A job, rent and bills will come as a huge shock to his system. Not only that, does he think the insomnia is just going to disappear when he gets on an plane? How does he think he is going to function abroad?

As I said my siblings abroad have no idea. The last thing that I want to see is for him to go over and become a burden on them.
Should I be calling them or writing to them to let them know to give them a heads up? Just so they know in case he gets sick and ill abroad?

You need to tell them. He won't have access to medicare properly on a Visa, only under the reciprocal arrangements with the UK for emergency treatment, and won't have access to any benefits.

He will have absolutely no safety net over there and it will be in your siblings to take care of him.

I think you should to be honest because you mention "bizarre" behaviour it sounds more like mental health issues than drug abuse. Or both.

It's going to be terrible if he ends up homeless in Australia...because he won't be entitled to any benefits here (I'm in Oz) for at the very least a year and more likely longer. You have to get your rights to remain and that costs money and time.

The bizarre behaviour that happened last year, came after a a night where he stayed up drinking all night and into Friday and I suspect he took drugs that night and into Friday. The bizarre behaviour was running around in his underpants, going outside and claiming to be locked out, throwing money into an open window and talking nonsense. He eventually went to bed on Friday night and there he stayed until about Wednesday or Thursday of the following week. He would wait for my bedroom door and our mother's bedroom door to close for the night before he would get up to go to the kitchen. I do suspect it was drugs then.

He hasn't showed behavior like that since then although there were nights out with his friends and some 'drunken' spells since then.

Thanks for the replies.

I would prefer to write a letter because I don't know if it will be taken well over the phone. There's so much to write.

My mother thinks him going to Australia will be the best thing ever and it will sort out his life and she is hoping shipping him away will be the end of the drugs for him. It's a lovely notion but it's just transferring problems and I don't want to see my siblings abroad being burdened.

Is he expected to be going to live with your siblings?

Yes, that is the plan. He has a place to stay already with my siblings, that's for when the visa comes through.

He's just after spending the past two nights out and more than likely there's drugs involved and he's going to spend the next week crashed in his bed and in his room.

How the hell does he think Australia has the answers for him for his life? How will he correct his sleep and hold down a job there and become some what sociable?

I would have a worry as well about getting clean from drugs in a foreign country. There was a period this summer where it looked like he was trying to get clean and there was a period of about 5 weeks where he stayed away from his friends and he became more productive at home but it didn't last long.

What if he has cravings for drugs out abroad in Australia? Or what if he finds a prolonged clean spell is too troubling for him?

I think you simply have to tell them. It sounds like your Mum has her head in the sand.

In Australia your brother won't get any free medical care, no benefits if he's unemployed and no help with housing.

So if your siblings tire of him...then he'll have nothing and nowhere.

He'll end up either homeless or on a plane back to the UK.

Sounds like he is trying to get away from the shit life he is living - and possibly dealers and people who are enabling his addictions. Give him a chance - don't tell your siblings. I say this as a parent of an alcoholic who 2 months ago moved out and went to live in a house share 20 miles away with total strangers. Its not quite Australia but it's far enough away for a fresh start and for her to not know a single soul. And so far so good. She came for tea tonight. Sometimes you just need to let them go.

I think on reflection, you need to speak to your brother first. Is he fully aware of the fact he'll have no rights to benefits or medical care?

Check he knows what he's getting himself into. When I emigrated with DH who is Aussie, I couldn't work for a year...or claim benefits.

It's not correct that he won't get health cover in Australia. The UK has a reciprocal health agreement with Oz, so he'd be covered for most health care.

www.gov.uk/guidance/living-in-australia#visas-and-residency

If he applies for a Working Holiday visa he can work in Australia .

www.aph.gov.au/About_Parliament/Parliamentary_Departments/Parliamentary_Library/pubs/rp/rp1617/Quick_Guides/WorkingHoliday#_Table_1:_Working

If he has a drug problem, he'll always find drugs , anywhere in the world. But maybe a fresh start might help him, since he won't be around his usual friends and dealers. I'd wish him well and wave him goodbye - the worst that can happen is that he'll come home again .

[quote starrynight21]It's not correct that he won't get health cover in Australia. The UK has a reciprocal health agreement with Oz, so he'd be covered for most health care.

www.gov.uk/guidance/living-in-australia#visas-and-residency[/quote]
Sorry this is true...but he'll still need to pay for any prescriptions.

He’s in for a shock if he comes here. The cost of living is even higher than UK. He will find our police are a lot less lenient on tourists if they are caught while under the influence of illegal drugs. If your brother has a medical condition (Especially if it’s a MH condition) a stay in hospital could be financially crippling. Your other siblings have a right to know, but I genuinely think a phonecall would be better. (Also letters can be used later against you legally.)

Also, in regard to notangelinajolie post....addicts can easily find other addicts when they want to. I saw a documentary where a meth addict said "You learn what it looks like and then you go to the person for assistance in finding what you need"

So going to a new place isn't always a fix. If someone's ready to change then it doesn't matter where they are.

Going to Australia, will only temporarily slow his access to drugs. It’s not easy settling into a new country despite having family support. I too think your family in Oz should be forewarned. Then it’s their decision whether or not, to proceed with the invitation.

If it were me I would do it over the phone, or a video chat. Iy seems your db will be needing medical care getting clean, if he could do that now, before leaving, then go once he is ready. Can you get him to join AA or NA, to help him through it?
Good luck, I hope your db can start over fresh in Australia, and never go back to his unhealthy lifestyle.

Don't recommend writing it in a letter. "Say it...forget it. Write it, regret it"

@Onthemaintrunkline - we have the same drug problems here, Babe.

Firstly I think you do need to talk to your brother about your concerns, asking him how he plans to manage these issues in Australia, if he can't here in the UK. You will need to pick a time he is sober (if hungover) and able to have that conversation. If he is not willing to tell your siblings what has been going on in his life then you can tell him you feel you have to talk to them. Do that promptly in case he tries to get in first with his (minimised) version and undermine your message. You don't say if he's accepted he has a problem. An alcoholic addict with no insight into their addiction will be minimising big time as 'I have the odd drink/use a few recreational drugs, everybody does it and you are making a fuss over nothing'.

You don't mention of your siblings in Australia have children at home but if they do I feel you have a moral obligation to let them know the situation and what they might be facing if he goes over to stay with them. It's up to them to decide if they can have him to stay and to support him if things go wrong.

I'd not write, I'd phone. If necessary write down in advance what you want to say in bullet points. I'd keep it short & factual, and phrased as you are telling them because you feel obligated to do so, and out of concern for your brothers welfare. I'd keep away from offering your opinion too much or suggesting he doesn't go, that's for him to decide and for them to decide if they still wish to agree to him staying with them.

Having lived with and supported an alcoholic with bi-polar who was unreliable in taking his medication, I understand how difficult it is but at the end of the day he is an adult and you can't force him to do anything (including going to rehab). Similarly your siblings deserve to make their own choices once they know the facts.

Good luck, it's so hard watching somewhen you care about gradually destroy their life.

Why would you write to them rather than ring them? Surely better to be able to have a conversation!

"He is a man who needs rehap and medical intervention"

Indeed but only HE alone can decide if and when he wants that.

No-one else including you can at all influence that process.

He potentially going to Australia will likely not work out either. The problem is being moved overseas and he will likely come across the same old crowd there too.

His brothers need to be aware of their siblings long term drug use.
All of you as his family members now need to take a huge step back from him because what you've done to date has not worked. You cannot act as rescuers or saviours here and he has likely been further enabled by well intentioned family and friends too.

Gerwurt,

I do have some genuine concerns over my brother at home. I haven't chatted with him about it. Like insomnia, how does he think that's going to disappear once he gets on a plane? I think the insomnia is an after effect of drug use though. He hasn't worked in over two and half years and Australia is going to be a huge shock to his system.

My brother is completely in denial that he has an issue. He doesn't see an issue, he thinks it's mild, harmless fun and I am boring and no fun. At least I am not getting drugged up and wasting my life in the bed and I know how to have fun without wrecking my body. He doesn't see a problem.

I have a beautiful niece in Australia born to one of my siblings there.

I think there might be a problem on the horizon in relation to my brother if he continues with his plans to go abroad. I think his health his not 100% eg hand tremors, insomnia, possibly depression and I think drugs have altered his body and his system to be like this.

I am in a very conflicted place and I hate it. Do I tell my siblings in Australia so they are aware if any difficulties crop up or do I keep my mouth shut? I don't want to jeopardise my brothers chances of going abroad and I can see how a change could be beneficial to him.

I certainly won't be ordering my siblings about and telling them my brother shouldn't go abroad. That's a decision for them to work on themselves. Knowing my siblings abroad they will likely want him over to give him a taste of hard work. I don't know how he will manage the insomnia and hold down a job. What if he gets a job that requires fine motor skills? The hand tremors he is experiencing won't help.

Thanks for all the help. If I do contact my siblings abroad I will do so my phone instead of letter.