Should I write to family abroad

[JandD]

I did a name change because I don't want to be recognised.

I have a brother. About 6 years ago there was a change in him. About 5 years ago I came to realise the changes were more than likely due to drugs. His drunken spells or nights out, were not normal drunk spells. The hangovers were not normal either. Days in the bed and avoiding the family.

It was about 2019 when I saw something else. This was a serious addiction. He was missing so many days in work. He work week was Monday to Friday but there were so many weeks when he missed a Monday and sometimes Tuesday and sometimes also a Wednesday. A lot of times he would go out and he would lose his belongings - jacket, phone, e-cigarette. He used to do the worst thing ever and drive home drunk/on drugs. It was awful. Not only all of that, the relationship with his girlfriend failed. I suppose she got sick of being second best to his mates and drugs and fled and rightly so.

The pandemic didn't help much but thankfully he did follow the public health guidelines. There was a spell at home where he started drinking on a Thursday evening and he was up all night and into Friday and Friday evening. He showed some bizarre behaviour on Friday. None of it was a shock to me. I kne wit was drugs. My was completely deluded about his condition. She really had her head buried in the sand about him.

He was never honest with me. I think he is doing some hard drugs llwith his friends like maybe speed and then using weed at home to come down from speed. Even if he's not using speed or other hard drugs and if it's just weed, it doesn't agree with him. He is such a recluse now. It really doesn't agree with him.

Eventually throughout 2020 and 2021, his health is not good. There's a few things.

• insomnia
• hand tremors
• some sort of depression

I read that drugs can deplete hormones and then it clicked with me. His poor-ish health is due to drugs. Its chicken and egg scenario. The drugs came first. Then the decline in health.

There was a family funeral during the summer and he was anti social and he displayed some hand tremors. He sat complaining at the function table as if he was a little boy. I see this as another effect of drugs.

I have two more siblings who emirated about 10 years ago. They went to Australia and settled there. They worked hard. They wanted my brother over for a few years but it didn't happen. The pandemic didn't help. The brother applied for a visa earlier this year. There wasnt a decision made yet on the visa from Australia. The borders will be opening from November the first but it looks like it might be December when the borders are open for foreign people without an exemption.

It might be December by the time a decision is made on a visa for him.

My siblings abroad really have no idea about the mess at home. They really have no clue. They think the reason our brother is not working is because he can't find a job but that's not true. He's not working because of drugs.

On one hand I can see how getting away will do our brother some good. To see a new part of the world, meet new people, work, earn a wage,get away from his friends/buddies drink and drugs group.

On the other hand, I feel uneasy about it. He is a man who needs rehap and medical intervention, not a visa. A job, rent and bills will come as a huge shock to his system. Not only that, does he think the insomnia is just going to disappear when he gets on an plane? How does he think he is going to function abroad?

As I said my siblings abroad have no idea. The last thing that I want to see is for him to go over and become a burden on them.
Should I be calling them or writing to them to let them know to give them a heads up? Just so they know in case he gets sick and ill abroad?

SarahDippity

He is definitely using weed. He said it before but in a around about way. There's definitely weed. One would be very dim not to know now. People might think it's a soft drug and there's no harm in it but it doesn't agree with him. He's a good for nothing dope. Some people can function and have a normal life on with but others don't.

I think there's harder drugs when he is with his mates. It's the way he carries himse8and the way he looks after a spell with his mates. His hangovers are not normal hangovers. I think he is then using weed to come down from the harder drugs. I would bet my life on this. There's too much that indicates drugs.

Australia also has quite a dependency on drugs. It’s very common for middle class “non-typical drug users” to take class a drugs recreationally (mdma, coke, speed). It’s extremely expensive but quite common. Something to bear in mind.

Oh and that’s also why meth is so popular. It’s cheaper.

@JandD I suspect your mum is simply seeing suspecting removing him from his friends as the easy way to kick the drug problem. She undoubtedly blames them for the problem, not her darling baby boy for the decisions he made to use them in the first place. It never works that way, as the first thing he will do is search out new mates who enjoy the same “hobbies” as him.

*My mum was the same. Everyone else was responsible for my brother’s drug problem. Never mind that he was actually the biggest dealer in the area, often using her money to supply it. He never changed his ways, in fact, he became worse. She’s no longer with us and I’m NC with him. This is why I suggest you let your brothers know and look after yourself.

As the sibling of an addict , I would inform my other siblings for the simple reason that when it all comes crashing down (and it most definitely will) they will need to know what they are dealing with and of course to have the choice to not deal with it at all. Quite selfish of your mother to mislead her other children about all this but that is classic enabler behaviour.
From my experience a change in scenery will not solve his dependency issues , things will appear better for a period of time but eventually they slip back into their old ways. These are people who have absolutely no coping skills at all. They use their substance of choice to help them to deal with even just existing, never mind having the presures of travel , settling into a new country and having to work. These kinds of pressure can sometimes cause an escalation in their use as well.

@Newmum29

Australia also has quite a dependency on drugs. It’s very common for middle class “non-typical drug users” to take class a drugs recreationally (mdma, coke, speed). It’s extremely expensive but quite common. Something to bear in mind.

As an expat in Australia I can vouch for this. It's so common that the police do random pull overs on the school runs!

Parents dropping their kids off at private schools still off their heads from the night before. I know professionals who do coke every weekend and some dabble in meth. They're not my friends I hasten to add.

I would tell your uk brother he needs to tell the other brothers the situation about his drug use and if he doesn't you will

Are you sure he is even getting a visa.? It's not that easy

What skill is he using to gain this visa.? As I can only assume it's a skilled migration visa.?

Only way you can get family would be if he was last remaining relative which he clearly isn't

If he not worked for two years I'm not sure they will be granting a skilled work visa either

Indoctro

It's the working holiday visa. Its the visa that can be obtained for a year and extended to two years if one does farm work there too. While there they can seek work and sponsorship for the other visa/the migration visa.

Indoctro
My brother at home is in denial about his condition. He sees it as soft and harmless and apparently I am no fun. I see drugs have messed him up. They are far from harmless. He's never going to tell my Australian siblings that he's taking drugs because he doesn't see a problem.

Rowdowa

I don't think my mother is misleading my siblings in Australia. Just has her head buried in the sand about my brothers condition and she's not able to face the idea of her son being addicted to drugs. She's not able to understand or comprehend the difficulties that lie ahead. Shes not volunteering the information that he's possibly and likely on drugs and dealing with withdrawal symptoms. She was never able to face this herself.

My heart was in a good place with the idea of informing my siblings abroad about my brother using drugs but category made some strong and valid points. I don't want to be the one responsible for wrecking my brothers plans for life abroad in Australia.
I do think its absolutely cruel on everybody if he continues with those plans. He should at be trying to get clean and facing his problems before he goes. I am baffled as to how he thinks he's going to hold down a job considering he wasn't able for a job at home. It's not fair sending an addict over to my siblings abroad.

Knowing my siblings abroad they will go easy on him til he settles in but knowing my brother at home, give him an inch and he will take a mile. He will absolutely take advantage of that straight away. I should be warning my siblings just in order for them to show our brother a job and hard work and bills the minute he lands. It will minimise the chances of him taking advantage for his own selfish gains.

Having considered everything and your last post taken into account, I honestly think you should stay out of it all. You'll be blamed somehow if it all goes wrong.

As it stands, your siblings abroad are sitting ducks yes....but if they don't take his crap then it's not your fault....there's an outside chance he might turn a corner if he goes abroad though...he MIGHT suddenly change. It can be lifechanging to see a new country and experience a different culture.

If you say something and they refuse to have him, you'll have removed his outside chance....if you say something and they still take him and then it all goes wrong, your Mum/brother will still blame you.

Say nothing. Just be available on the phone to the siblings abroad when your brother gets there.

If you were my sister and didn't tell me about my brother's drug taking and drinking and allowing him to come to live with me I would be furious with you and quite likely never speak to you again after turfing our brother's arse out of my home. Especially if I had children!!!

Your mother is grasping at straws and wanting to blame his friends rather than him.

What state are your family in?

I wouldn't write. Call them

I think you should definitely make them aware of his behaviours and health issues but not “his hard drug use” as you have no proof of this.
Your brother in the UK could be an alcoholic or have pretty severe medical issues. You don’t know for sure that he uses drugs (except weed).
Going to Australia is HIS choice but I’d phone your brothers in Australia and then back off.
As a PP said, one way or another you’re going to get the blame for something here.

BingBong

It took me a while to figure it out. I live at home and I saw the behaviours

• the drunkenness wasn't normal. He was out of his head drunk.
• the hangovers last days
• going out and nearly every time he came home without his phone, e cig, jacket, or car keys or sometimes losing multiples. It happened nearly every weekend or every second weekend.
• sometimes even driving home in that state
• his work week as typically between Monday and Friday but many times after the weekends he missed Monday and often Tuesdays and even sometimes Wednesdays. Every week.
• The relationship with his girlfriend changed
• personality and mood changes. We had a stray cat coming every morning meowing for food and he was irritated with the cat so much so he used to barge down the hall and out the front door to rage at the cat.
• Then there is more recent stuff like long term insomnia and I am linking that up to the effects of drugs. Then this summer I saw hand tremors from him.

There's no other explanation for any of this except for drugs. I think kow at this stage his mental health has also been affected. I think it's due to drugs and a dependancy on drugs and drugs affecting hormones and depleting hormones.

Thanks for all of the replies.

My heart was in a good place to inform my siblings abroad but I am going to stay out from it. Mu Australian sister in law will likely want to see evidence of him in rehab before she takes him and that's not going to happen. If I throw a spanner into his plans, I am just going to get loads of blame from home and that's not my attention. I don't want to jeopardise his chances of life over there.

If my brother goes over to Australia and causes a crisis with drugs for my siblings over there, its on his back.

Clarfairchild

Thanks for your reply. If my brother goes over there and causes a crisis for my siblings abroad, its on his back and its not my fault if he chooses drugs over there.

Australia has very strong immigration rules. If your brother puts a foot wrong (which he will) he will be straight back on the plane to the UK.