Should I write to family abroad

[JandD]

I did a name change because I don't want to be recognised.

I have a brother. About 6 years ago there was a change in him. About 5 years ago I came to realise the changes were more than likely due to drugs. His drunken spells or nights out, were not normal drunk spells. The hangovers were not normal either. Days in the bed and avoiding the family.

It was about 2019 when I saw something else. This was a serious addiction. He was missing so many days in work. He work week was Monday to Friday but there were so many weeks when he missed a Monday and sometimes Tuesday and sometimes also a Wednesday. A lot of times he would go out and he would lose his belongings - jacket, phone, e-cigarette. He used to do the worst thing ever and drive home drunk/on drugs. It was awful. Not only all of that, the relationship with his girlfriend failed. I suppose she got sick of being second best to his mates and drugs and fled and rightly so.

The pandemic didn't help much but thankfully he did follow the public health guidelines. There was a spell at home where he started drinking on a Thursday evening and he was up all night and into Friday and Friday evening. He showed some bizarre behaviour on Friday. None of it was a shock to me. I kne wit was drugs. My was completely deluded about his condition. She really had her head buried in the sand about him.

He was never honest with me. I think he is doing some hard drugs llwith his friends like maybe speed and then using weed at home to come down from speed. Even if he's not using speed or other hard drugs and if it's just weed, it doesn't agree with him. He is such a recluse now. It really doesn't agree with him.

Eventually throughout 2020 and 2021, his health is not good. There's a few things.

• insomnia
• hand tremors
• some sort of depression

I read that drugs can deplete hormones and then it clicked with me. His poor-ish health is due to drugs. Its chicken and egg scenario. The drugs came first. Then the decline in health.

There was a family funeral during the summer and he was anti social and he displayed some hand tremors. He sat complaining at the function table as if he was a little boy. I see this as another effect of drugs.

I have two more siblings who emirated about 10 years ago. They went to Australia and settled there. They worked hard. They wanted my brother over for a few years but it didn't happen. The pandemic didn't help. The brother applied for a visa earlier this year. There wasnt a decision made yet on the visa from Australia. The borders will be opening from November the first but it looks like it might be December when the borders are open for foreign people without an exemption.

It might be December by the time a decision is made on a visa for him.

My siblings abroad really have no idea about the mess at home. They really have no clue. They think the reason our brother is not working is because he can't find a job but that's not true. He's not working because of drugs.

On one hand I can see how getting away will do our brother some good. To see a new part of the world, meet new people, work, earn a wage,get away from his friends/buddies drink and drugs group.

On the other hand, I feel uneasy about it. He is a man who needs rehap and medical intervention, not a visa. A job, rent and bills will come as a huge shock to his system. Not only that, does he think the insomnia is just going to disappear when he gets on an plane? How does he think he is going to function abroad?

As I said my siblings abroad have no idea. The last thing that I want to see is for him to go over and become a burden on them.
Should I be calling them or writing to them to let them know to give them a heads up? Just so they know in case he gets sick and ill abroad?

I see another issue too. The brother at home said he's gone as soon as the visa comes through. It looks like the borders will be opening soon for working visas. It might even be before December. If it all goes well, it might be December by the time he gets going. He will be landing at a time when Australia usually experiences intense heat from the sun. My brother is a man who doesn't know how to look after himself so theres a possibility of heat exhaustion, dehydration mixed with a come down from drugs.

He's an adult, you can't live his life for him.

If he gets heat exhaustion, he'll have to learn from the experience.

Going to Aus might be the making of him. It gives him a fresh start and, lets face it, he's showing no signs of turning his situation around at home, nor of even acknowledging there's a problem.

And you don't actually know he's using, do you? You suspect that's the cause, but unless I've misread, you haven't found any paraphernalia or anything? It seems likely but you just have suspicions, it hasn't been confirmed?

Honestly, I think you should let him go and not muddy the waters with depicting him as a junkie - fair to say you're concerned about his mental health and behaviour and possible substance abuse, but this could be an opportunity for him, and his brothers will be there to support him if he fucks up.

Also, your relationship with him is already in the toilet if he's avoiding you - imagine how bad it'll be if you put a spoke in the wheel of him emigrating...

How exactly does staying here, living the way he does, basically estranged from you and with the enabling of your mum actually help him?

I do have concerns over him going in that how is he going to sort out the insomnia and get some sleep in order to hold down a job over there. I don't know how that's going to work? I hope it all works out for him and I really do. I can see how a change would be beneficial.

I do have concerns for my brothers abroad too. They have no idea that he was using drugs at home to the degree that he lost his job and his girlfriend and his health is not 100%. What if my brother gets sick abroad and they have no idea of the drug history. I see hand tremors, insomnia and possibly depression with open eyes an effect of drug usage. The man is an addict. I think it's only just moving the problem abroad. What if he seeks out drugs and gets caught in Australia? The police over there won't take it lightly. Its possible my brothers homes will be subjected to police searches and one of them has a partner and child. They won't welcome that at all.
My brother will know Australia is serious business. Once the novelty of a new country wares off and he realises life is all work and bills, I would be worried he might seek out drugs over there to get a hit or a buzz or to feel relaxed or high or whatever other reason people do drugs.

I mean, if you tell your brothers all your suspicions and fears and they call it off, do you really want to be the person he blames later on for ruining his chances of starting a new life?

If he continues to spiral down the drain in the UK and says to you it's your fault, how will that sit with you?

Yes, he could easily go to Australia, fuck it up over there and have the same outcome, but at least he's had that opportunity.

You're not protecting him - currently he's being enabled.
You're not doing your brothers any favours - they have as much responsibility towards him as you do.
I don't really know what good you think it will do.

Yes, he might not make any changes to his lifestyle over there, he might fuck it up, he might go to jail, he might overdose.

But at home, he's definitely not making any changes to his lifestyle, he is fucking up and his future looks really bloody bleak.

Also, hand tremors, depression and insomnia can be related to alcohol abuse as easily as drugs.

Your brothers are all adults.

Please call your brothers. Tell them that you need to speak to them because you are not convinced that they have been given a complete picture of your brother’s issues. (Especially the one with the baby.) Maybe /“see if you can organize a zoom meeting (obvs without brother or your mum.). Have notes prepared with all of the behaviours and symptoms that you have observed. Explain your mother’s refusal to acknowledge it. Don’t be emotional or give an opinion about what you think they should or shouldn’t do - It absolutely must be their decision.

I have an addict brother. Your description fits, but it also fits many MH problems. I would say that it’s harder to get help here for either problem in Aus. I am also an ex-flight attendant who is studying nursing. I can tell you that I have seen some shit happen on planes! Also, traveling to Australia usually tends to involve a stopover in either Hong Kong (rare), Dubai or Singapore. If he is found with illegal drugs (illegal by THEIR definition, that is…Could be something as simple as codiene tablets.) He could be imprisoned for years and face the death penalty. It really IS that serious. If he begins to detox or spiral mentally in a plane, he has the potential to endanger everyone there. I have had to zip tie many people to their seat for this reason. At this point, they ARE arrested and met by Federal Police wherever the plane lands. )

Now I have more gratuitous advice - you need to look after yourself. If you are living in the same house as your mother and brother, I recommend getting out as soon as possible. You are going to have to let them make their own choices and mistakes. You are not going to be able to help your mum if you are not safe yourself.

The other thing to know is that meth is very prevalent in Aus- people seem to access it like weed in other countries.
It is a scourge. Cheap , easily available and the results are horrendous.

I'd definitely let your siblings know

Thank you category, you make some very strong points and I thank you for them.

It's probably better to say nothing and allow them all to make their own plans and hope to God no crisis develops over there. If my siblings abroad are faced with a crisis from my brother, the worst that will happen is more estrangement within the family and a ticket back home but this time brothers abroad will be involved. There's one of them who has zero tolerance for bulk crap and he won't sugar coat things to back home and he will likely hammer it home to mother.

I don't know what his drugs of choice are. I think there's hard drugs with his friends. I think it's speed. My partner worked in a city bar pre covid and the students were a nightmare. A lot of them doing drugs. I wouldn't be surprised if coke is involved with my brother at this stage. I think weed is used as a softer drug to come down from the other drugs and for the time in between stronger hits.

If meth is easily obtained in Australia I would be worried.

I want to warn my siblings abroad so that they are aware but I also think Category is making some strong points in against informing the family abroad.

All your worries about what might happen are understandable. It's very common for people involved with addicts to go into "rescuer mode" and want to protect them from their own actions/for their own good. But you can't save them.

You are too close to this now to see wood for trees and need to step back. Worrying about him getting dehydrated in hot weather is too detailed. and getting caught with drugs & arrested isn't something you can control. He's an adult and has to learn to take care of himself. If he doesn't, that isn't your fault.

My advice stands, be honest with him that you think it's more serious than he admits. Tell your siblings what you've said here - just the facts of his observable behaviour, not your interpretations and opinions. If you dump all of your worries & theories on them at once, they probably WILL think you are exaggerating or trying to ruin his chance for a new opportunity. If you seem too dramatic, they may question your motives. Warn them of the facts (the bare actual facts) so they are aware and can take steps if they decide what to do when they see him (for example not taking him to the pub on Day 1 or hiding all the booze). That's it.

Once you have talked to him and your siblings, you have done all you reasonably can or should at that point. Once you have done that, hard as it is - you need to let go.

Thank you Gerwurtz

I think I do have an obligation to warn them of what has happened over the past few years. One of my siblings was home a few years ago and the family had plans for Christmas. My brother at home was a huge let down. He was due to drive us to the family. The went out with his mates. We had plans for Christmas eve to meet and stay over Christmas. I knew in my heart and my soul the plans were going to fall flat because he went out with his mates. I wanted to make alternative plans at that stage and use public transport but my mother still placed faith in my brother and asked me to wait for her because she doesn't want to travel alone in the car with him and so I listened. The brother eventually came home and crashed into his bed for days. It was 1 o clock Christmas day by the time he dragged his ass out of his bed when we should have been on the road by that time. The dinner was nearly being served for 2 and it was 5 o clock by the time we made it over to the aussies place. I knew in my heart it was drugs. I was heartbroken because we missed Christmas morning.
My mother begged and pleaded with me not to tell the aussies who were home on holidays in fear that I would ruin their stay. He wasn't able to stay away from his mates (and drugs) for one Christmas. He denied me and our mother a chance to spend a meaningful Christmas with our family when they were home and now he is due to set off into the sunset over to them. The fact that he wasn't able to stay away from his mates and drugs for one weekend before Christmas leads me to believe that he will seek a hit of drugs over there.

So me telling the family in Australia that the brother has used drugs at home, won't come as a surprise to him.

I am absolutely completely conflicted now though. I feel like I have an obligation to my siblings in Australia to let them know that the brother at home is involved with drugs and there's some effects that would indicate drugs but I don't want to jeopardise his chance of going to Australia.

What if the visa doesn't come true. My mother is hoping a visa and life with our brothers abroad will help him sort out his life.
He applied for thee visa at the last minute. Weeks before his 30th birthday this year. There's been no decision made because of the closed borders. What if he has missed the deadline for the visa age cut off point age? Then he doesnt go and he doesn't become a burden to my brothers abroad.

But what then. All of his eggs is in the wrong basket in my opinion. The last time he spoke to me was months ago and even then he only had boose in his system. He said he's willing to do anything even clean the streets over in Australia just to get a chance to stay and live there but he won't get out of bed here at home. He won't make an effort to live a life here. Earn an income here and do something with his life outside of drink and drugs. There's no medium place in his eyes. It's Australia or nothing.

Another observation that I have is that the only time he comes to life is when he is in the bathroom getting ready to go out with his mates. I think this is also another important piece. I think because he knows he's going to get a hit of drugs. I think he is in an active addiction. He doesn't want to own up to it and my mother is completely blind to it.

He was out for the past two nights, no sleep for two nights. He was definitely drinking. There's much more going on than drink though. There's drugs. He came home last night and locked himself out. I was awake but I ignored him. I wasn't going to get up. He woke the mother up to unlock the door. My mother stayed up all night babysitting the drugged up drunk til he went to bed in case he was to burn the house down. That's absolutely completely unacceptable and he will be in bed now til the next time.

I think I am going to go with what Category said and I will keep my mouth shut. Unfortunately. I do want to warn my family abroad that there is some drug use with him but if I tell them, my sister in law is a beautiful, fair lady. She will want to see evidence of rehab and some months clean and off drugs before she takes him in. I don't want to jeopardise his chances of getting into Australia. I think it's best to keep shut and let my family in Australia learn along the way and hope for the best. I don't see it working though. When he's a few months gone I might phone them and tell them to make sure Australia works for him and make sure he never comes home again.

I don't know how Australia will work though. Its been years since he had any routine and worked and then there's the insomnia too. I don't know how he's going to get into a healthy sleep schedule to hold down a job.

All your worries about what might happen are understandable. It's very common for people involved with addicts to go into "rescuer mode" and want to protect them from their own actions/for their own good. But you can't save them.

^This 100%

You are too close to this now to see wood for trees and need to step back. Worrying about him getting dehydrated in hot weather is too detailed. and getting caught with drugs & arrested isn't something you can control. He's an adult and has to learn to take care of himself. If he doesn't, that isn't your fault.

^ This too

You can mention your concerns to your brothers if you want but just so you know there is huge evidence that a positive change in circumstances can precipitate recovery from addiction in some circumstances.

After the Vietnam war American authorities thought there was going to be a flood of heroin addicted former vets but in actual fact the majority of the soldiers stopped being addicts when they returned home.

If this positive change in your brother’s circumstances made a positive impact on his addiction who knows what might happen.

Maybe Australia will be the change he needs.
A friends son ended up homeless and he ended up in another area in a homeless camp and it was the best thing that ever happened to him.

They didn't tolerate lazy being drunk, or high or you were out. He finally grew up and turned his life around.

Where is your brother getting the money to drink and do drugs?

@JandD - Why do you think Meth isn’t easily available here in Aus? I can assure you it is. Secondly, and possibly more importantly, our internal borders are about to open up, and so are our International ones (supposedly) Our hospital system is really not equipped for the coming months. Just like in the UK, we have had health workers seconded to respiratory words and ICU’s already. We don’t have the volume of hospitals like in UK, and our (bastard) government certainly hasn’t been spending any money preparing the hospital systems for the massive increase in infection once freedom of movement is allowed everywhere. As you know, vaccines have slowed the death rate right down, but people are still getting very sick. This is just starting here.

Justilou,

There must have been a typo mistake from me earlier. If meth is easily available I think maybe he could possibly graduate to that drug. I dread to think about it.

Once the novelty of a new country wares off, and work takes over, it's going to be a shock to his system getting up every morning and going to work especially considering he is not used to it here, then there's the insomnia and jot sleeping properly and then eventually the bills will set in all while he is trying to detox from home. It's a recipe for disaster. He might not be able to find his current drug of choice as easily in Australia. I think his current drug of choice is speed when he is with his mates and weed in the times between going out with his mates. If meth is easily obtained in Australia, I am afraid.

I do want to forewarn my siblings abroad in Australia so they know what they have on their hands and he doesn't fool them easily. Then on the other hand Category makes some strong points against telling them. I don't want to be responsible if his plans fall through.

Meth is bloody everywhere. He’s also going to use anything kind of emotional upheaval as an excuse to justify his own behaviour also. Moving countries is huge

I think moving away is not the answer. I think it's just moving problems. I'm the only one in the family that have my eyes open and I see it for what it is - addiction. Mom and my brother at home are completely in denial. He is a man who needs help and rehab. I can't for the life of me see how its going to work. He's going to go from 2 and half years unemployed over to another country to work and detox from home at the same time. I don't know how it's going to work out.

I do feel I have an obligation to notify my siblings abroad but I don't want to wreck his chances of going away when it might also help him.

It is hard to tell from your post if you have any direct evidence that he has a drug problem. I agree there are a lot of signs and you are probably correct. However, there is a lot of forward thinking in your posts which may or may not con to pass. I think you absolutely should schedule a zoom call with the overseas siblings to express your concerns. If they are to house him when he arrives, they should be forewarned about your ‘concerns’, and you should call them that - concerns. He has behaved erratically, his work track record is poor, and it sounds like he needs help … but has anyone spoken to him directly to get to the bottom of the problem? Would his overseas siblings have a call with him to spell out what expectations he and they have about his stay/long term visit? Does he need an intervention and who best can do that? I do feel you’ve a family responsibility to share your worries and to rope the other siblings in. Ultimately you want your brother to have a better life, so what steps can you as a family take to make that happen?

I can tell you that while I think it’s unlikely he’ll get a visa, miracles happen… I would be absolutely furious if someone turned up at my place with these symptoms and nobody had forewarned me. I would resent everyone who had known and not told me.

Justilou1

That is another concern that I have. Will this come in between me and my siblings who live abroad. One of my brothers who lives abroad is a family man now and he would have 0 tolerance towards drugs. His relationship with alcohol has changed since his younger days now too. I would be afraid that if any problems occurs over in Australia, that my brother will get very angry. My mother has her old age head in the sand but me I am knowingly allowing it all to happen and sending and addict over to a family in Australia. Its not the answer for him. It's rehab. He could have a rich and fulfilling life at home without the need for Aus if he tried.