Page 2 | MIL causing us to split

VanCleefArpels · 09/10/2021 17:35

You had an argument during a stressy day for everyone when emotions were bound to have been running high. You know you were unkind to your MIL for telling her to fuck off.

Going from that to saying you want to split with your partner, thus depriving your one year old of a parent and the prospect of giving birth to your second child alone with no support, is somewhat dramatic and extreme, no?

From your boyfriends POV- he too is in a stressy situation, having to move in with his PIL which may seem humiliating to him, and he sees his favourite women (one of whom has herbal health issues) shouting at each other over basically nothing. What a terrible position to be in. No wonder he didn’t Wade in, poor bloke probably doesn’t know what is the right thing to do in the situation.

I think you need to all calm down a bit, and you can choose to be the bigger woman here. Apologise and move on.

purpleboy · 09/10/2021 17:36

I don't think people are reading your post properly, or they just want to be Dicks to you who knows 🤷🏽‍♀️

Anyway telling her to fuck off probably wasn't your best move...... however she sounds like hard work, you had already apologised and she then kicked off about the sofa, clearly you are already stressed and don't need her adding to it.

I appreciate you want your bf to stand up for you, but you are a grown woman. You are obviously capable of standing up for yourself.

Maybe in future don't react to her but pass her to your bf to deal with.
Ie kicking off about sofa, you tell her to speak to her son about it. Just don't engage with any arguments.

bestsoupintown · 09/10/2021 17:39

@NowEvenBetter

How did you all end up homeless? How is that being rectified? It’s shocking that your boyfriend chose to impregnate you again, this is a chaotic, unhappy life. Don’t see what relevance your boyfriends mother has, compared to the enormous, disastrous situation you’re in.

Wow, you're a fucking treat aren't you! Neither of us know the situation and it's really unkind to kick people when they're down.

Lorw · 09/10/2021 17:45

No other adult would be having emotional outbursts and being verbally abusive to me and not being told to fuck off tbh especially if I was pregnant. Just because she has mental health issues doesn’t mean you have to put up with that.

Just don’t engage and walk away or if you really don’t think it’s good for you then go low contact regardless of what your bf wants to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gerwurtztraminer · 09/10/2021 17:54

I feel like my bf should do more and talk to her more which my anger is aimed at him for not being a better son

Yes he should, and you both need to discuss this calmly and at a time you can devote time to a deep conversation without distraction. If he can't or won't understand what he needs to do to protect you and his children from his emotional, screaming mother, then at least then you know what the problem is you have to deal with.

You both sound quite young? If he grew up with his moher like this most of his life he's probably indoctrinated into not making a fuss and pandering to her moods and attention seeking behaviour. He may be emotionally stunted, unable to act, frozen in the face of her screaming. The fact you say you have been very close with her and yet she still turns on you indicates she has some real issues - sucking you in then rejecting you. Probably time to carefully back away from her, reduce contact and decide how to deal with your bf. He may well need professional help/counselling/therapy to discuss his childhood.

You have enough to handle with finding a home, your child and pregnancy. Don't take on him and his mother's problems as well. Google 'grey rock' technique for the times you do have to deal with her. Certainly swearing at her in heat of the moment, whilst understandable, will not help the situation.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/10/2021 17:58

I'm trying to imagine myself into your shoes @HappyMommy96.

Being made homeless, that's about as stressful as life gets.
20 weeks pregnant so hormones heightening your emotions.
Got a 1 year old.
Seeing all your stuff going into storage, wondering when you'll have a home of your own again to get it all back out of storage.
Knowing you're moving in with your parents, worrying about how that's going to go. Is it going to be too cramped? Getting on each other's nerves?

Yep, if my partner's mother than started in on me when I've got enough stress to break me already, I'd probably snap too. All those people telling you you're all the bad ones for snapping - well aren't they just the perfect little princesses.

However, you must be aware that she is not your root problem, your partner is.

"Then she asks if we’re taking the sofa. Which annoyed me as I’ve been asking my boyfriend for weeks to tell her we don’t want it. She flipped and then out of nowhere starts arguing with me. I told her to stop making everything about her, then she points at me and said I make everything about me... interesting for the woman who is having an emotional outburst because I didn’t say good morning to her... 🤣 then I told her to fuck off then she got angrier. In the midst my boyfriend did fuck all to stick up for me when this whole situation is his fault for not communicating with his parents about not wanting the sofas. I told him to say something to his mother but he told ME to calm down."

Sounds like he has been trained over the years to prioritise her. Could be FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt - if you google for it you'll find a lot of info on this) or could be it's 'healthier' counterpart, going along with whatever for a quiet life. This is what you have to sort out. Personally I just would not have anything to do with her - not my mother, not my problem. But she is his mother and his problem. If he's in FOG to her, he needs to acknowledge that and do something about it (counselling, or to start off with reading up on it and coming to terms with it). If he prioritises her over you for quiet life, he'd be finding out that a truly quiet life will only come when he reverses his priorities.

2bazookas · 09/10/2021 18:05

bf never sticks up for me or doesn’t sit and talk with his mum how she’s in the wrong. Am I wrong for leaving my boyfriend over it?

But you say you "get on exceptionally well and never argue".

Why on earth would you leave a wonderful relationship with the father of your two children? It's your parents you live with, not his mother.

Auroreforet · 09/10/2021 18:06

I applaud you for telling mil to fuck off if she was being nasty.
I wish I’d had the courage years ago.
Your mil sounds totally self absorbed and your bf is a waste of space.
You’re a strong woman, you’ll be fine.

You don’t need these people.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2021 18:08

You told him mother, with mental health issues, to fuck off. And now you're upset he's not on your side.

You sound very immature.

You can walk away for any reason but he isn't the unreasonable one here

vdbfamily · 09/10/2021 18:19

My DH grew up in a dysfunctional family with an abusive mother. He was never able to stand up to her as he is very anxious following his childhood experiences. I tried hard not to ever make him piggy in the middle between us as he would not have coped. When we choose to spend life with our partners, we usually have a sense of their strengths and weaknesses. These are not going to change.
I suspect your partner just felt trapped in some awful nightmare where you and his mum were yelling at each other. You are both very stressed. Be kind to each other.

BoredZelda · 09/10/2021 18:22

Wow, you're a fucking treat aren't you! Neither of us know the situation and it's really unkind to kick people when they're down.

Perhaps it was clumsy wording, but the gist isn’t wrong. OP is lashing out blaming MIL when really the problem is, her situation is causing her a whole lot of stress.

bestsoupintown · 09/10/2021 18:34

@BoredZelda

Wow, you're a fucking treat aren't you! Neither of us know the situation and it's really unkind to kick people when they're down.

Perhaps it was clumsy wording, but the gist isn’t wrong. OP is lashing out blaming MIL when really the problem is, her situation is causing her a whole lot of stress.

I don't think the stuff about the boyfriend choosing to impregnate her is clumsy wording, it's the language of a judgmental twat.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 18:35

We already apologised and spoke to each other and she cried on me that she doesn’t want to fall out and she’s my second mama.

In my eyes these emotional outbursts shouldn’t be happening in the first place, where she’s shouting, calling me all sorts and making me feel like a bad person, when I’ve particularly not done anything wrong.

Set these boundaries with her. You've both apologised so she's acknowledging her faults too. Tell how how you are and are not willing to be treated.

You need to have serious conversations with your boyfriend though. I'd assume you never argue because he's so bloody placid?
Not to sound dramatic but in 20 weeks you're going to be giving birth to a baby. You'll be in the most vulnerable position of your life.
If you can't trust him to stand up for you against someone ranting and raging, how can you trust him to advocate for you in a room full of strangers?

romdowa · 09/10/2021 18:45

Yanbu if someone was screaming and freaking out at me , I'd tell them to fuck off as well. Having mental health issues doesn't give you a free pass to treat people like shit.

Cyw2018 · 09/10/2021 19:11

The totally unreasonable emotional outbursts your MIL has sound very much like the way my mother treats me. No amount of talking or reasoning, over many years, has improved the situation and in the end the only way to deal with it was to go no contact.

Your partner probably feels like he is between a rock and a hard place between supporting you and knowing that anything he says to his mother will be futile. Also he will likely have a bit of a fear response to his mothers outbursts if he has been subjected to these in childhood. So cut him a little slack. If you want to reduce your level of contract with MIL explain that to your partner and then you do that but leave him to make his own decisions about his relationship with her.

And finally try to learn to say a very firm "leave me alone" rather than swearing as it will be better for you in the long run.

Viviennemary · 09/10/2021 19:17

You do sound a bit of a nightmare. One year old. Pregnant again and homeless. This is enough to cause sleepless nights for relatives. You were really rude and should apologise.

toocold54 · 09/10/2021 19:22

My DH grew up in a dysfunctional family with an abusive mother. He was never able to stand up to her as he is very anxious following his childhood experiences. I tried hard not to ever make him piggy in the middle between us as he would not have coped. When we choose to spend life with our partners, we usually have a sense of their strengths and weaknesses. These are not going to change.
I suspect your partner just felt trapped in some awful nightmare where you and his mum were yelling at each other. You are both very stressed. Be kind to each other.

I completely agree!

Unless you have a family member with MH issues it’s very difficult to judge and say he should have done this or that.

He chose to stay out of it which defused the situation. Him getting involved could have easily made things worse.

Soulstirring · 09/10/2021 19:37

@Lorw

No other adult would be having emotional outbursts and being verbally abusive to me and not being told to fuck off tbh especially if I was pregnant. Just because she has mental health issues doesn’t mean you have to put up with that.

Just don’t engage and walk away or if you really don’t think it’s good for you then go low contact regardless of what your bf wants to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Agreed. Her behaviour is appalling and I think I too would have flipped. We’ve recently moved and it’s very stressful, never mind being pregnant and having nowhere permanent to go.

Low contact and absolutely missy your partner supports and protects you

1forAll74 · 09/10/2021 20:03

The woman sounds very uptight, with tendencies for emotional over the top behaviour. This is not always serious mental health behaviour, but her uptight personality traits. I don't know why you would leave your partner because of his non actions regarding his Mother, you should just keep out of her way as much as possible. Your partner may keep quiet about things, as he is probably fed up with his Mothers ways, and knows that she goes off on her trolly when things don't suit her, but wont ever confront her loopy behaviour.

Original poster

HappyMommy96 · 09/10/2021 21:32

@WhereYouLeftIt

I'm trying to imagine myself into your shoes *@HappyMommy96*.

Being made homeless, that's about as stressful as life gets.
20 weeks pregnant so hormones heightening your emotions.
Got a 1 year old.
Seeing all your stuff going into storage, wondering when you'll have a home of your own again to get it all back out of storage.
Knowing you're moving in with your parents, worrying about how that's going to go. Is it going to be too cramped? Getting on each other's nerves?

Yep, if my partner's mother than started in on me when I've got enough stress to break me already, I'd probably snap too. All those people telling you you're all the bad ones for snapping - well aren't they just the perfect little princesses.

However, you must be aware that she is not your root problem, your partner is.

"Then she asks if we’re taking the sofa. Which annoyed me as I’ve been asking my boyfriend for weeks to tell her we don’t want it. She flipped and then out of nowhere starts arguing with me. I told her to stop making everything about her, then she points at me and said I make everything about me... interesting for the woman who is having an emotional outburst because I didn’t say good morning to her... 🤣 then I told her to fuck off then she got angrier. In the midst my boyfriend did fuck all to stick up for me when this whole situation is his fault for not communicating with his parents about not wanting the sofas. I told him to say something to his mother but he told ME to calm down."

Sounds like he has been trained over the years to prioritise her. Could be FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt - if you google for it you'll find a lot of info on this) or could be it's 'healthier' counterpart, going along with whatever for a quiet life. This is what you have to sort out. Personally I just would not have anything to do with her - not my mother, not my problem. But she is his mother and his problem. If he's in FOG to her, he needs to acknowledge that and do something about it (counselling, or to start off with reading up on it and coming to terms with it). If he prioritises her over you for quiet life, he'd be finding out that a truly quiet life will only come when he reverses his priorities.

I usually keep my cool and stay quiet when she does have her outbursts and me and my bf eye roll at each other. I agree with you, he seems very fearful to talk to his own mum, which bothers me a lot. No one should be scared of their mum! One odd thing I realised over the years is when she is angry or upset out of her 5 kids and her husband they all ignore her and pretend it’s not happening. I used to feel like I was crazy when I’d visit and she’d be having an emotional outburst crying and no one is batting an eye lid! Thank you I’m going to look into FOG!

I know deep in my heart I don’t want to leave him but I desperately wish he could speak to his own mother and set boundaries because I don’t think I can deal with her for life being like this. Thank you!

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Original poster

HappyMommy96 · 09/10/2021 21:48

@2bazookas

bf never sticks up for me or doesn’t sit and talk with his mum how she’s in the wrong. Am I wrong for leaving my boyfriend over it?

But you say you "get on exceptionally well and never argue".

Why on earth would you leave a wonderful relationship with the father of your two children? It's your parents you live with, not his mother.

We do get on exceptionally well, we only ever argue when his mum has intervened. I mean that’s exactly how I feel it seems stupid in my head to leave him over something so petty but the other half of my head is if we have to deal with no set boundaries I’m going to go insane 🤣

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Original poster

HappyMommy96 · 09/10/2021 22:03

@purpleboy

I don't think people are reading your post properly, or they just want to be Dicks to you who knows 🤷🏽‍♀️

Anyway telling her to fuck off probably wasn't your best move...... however she sounds like hard work, you had already apologised and she then kicked off about the sofa, clearly you are already stressed and don't need her adding to it.

I appreciate you want your bf to stand up for you, but you are a grown woman. You are obviously capable of standing up for yourself.

Maybe in future don't react to her but pass her to your bf to deal with.
Ie kicking off about sofa, you tell her to speak to her son about it. Just don't engage with any arguments.

Everyone has differing opinions I guess but I can appreciate them all makes me see things in a different light! True I never expect him to fight my battles as I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself but the thing that irritates me is his mum will ask a question to both of us and he will immediately look at me to reply and then he’ll go really silent. Then when she gets snappy or gives me a rude response he wonders why I get upset.

4 days prior to this we sat down for tea and she was about to head home and asked us “do you not want the goldfish then, childs name will love it” my bf immediately looks at me and goes quiet and now everyone’s just staring at me, him, his mum and his dad and then I said “ahhh no sorry, why do you guys not want it?” Then she got snappy with me “We have no space in our new house that’s why we left it here for the past month” then she started muttering things under her breath and saying “well I don’t know who wants the fish” “I really thought you guys would just take the fish” ... yes I came home to a goldfish in a tank on the dining table one Sunday night...

I’ve done so well in the past not reacting and biting my tongue but today I just had enough sadly!

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Original poster

HappyMommy96 · 09/10/2021 22:22

@VanCleefArpels

You had an argument during a stressy day for everyone when emotions were bound to have been running high. You know you were unkind to your MIL for telling her to fuck off.

Going from that to saying you want to split with your partner, thus depriving your one year old of a parent and the prospect of giving birth to your second child alone with no support, is somewhat dramatic and extreme, no?

From your boyfriends POV- he too is in a stressy situation, having to move in with his PIL which may seem humiliating to him, and he sees his favourite women (one of whom has herbal health issues) shouting at each other over basically nothing. What a terrible position to be in. No wonder he didn’t Wade in, poor bloke probably doesn’t know what is the right thing to do in the situation.

I think you need to all calm down a bit, and you can choose to be the bigger woman here. Apologise and move on.

This is why I wrote the post for different perspectives from others, i felt like I was being overly dramatic. My parents spoke to me and calmed me down and told me to ignore her and just focus on the job at hand.

If we split I’d never deprive him of seeing his own children, I’m not that harsh! Though personally if possible I wouldn’t want my children growing up in a broken family. I’m just getting fed up of him ignoring what I ask of him. His lack of communication with his own mum, ends up causing her to fly off the handle and then she rages at me, then after raging at me she cries about how sorry she is and how she’s my second mum. The whole process i find exhausting.

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Original poster

HappyMommy96 · 09/10/2021 22:29

@1forAll74

The woman sounds very uptight, with tendencies for emotional over the top behaviour. This is not always serious mental health behaviour, but her uptight personality traits. I don't know why you would leave your partner because of his non actions regarding his Mother, you should just keep out of her way as much as possible. Your partner may keep quiet about things, as he is probably fed up with his Mothers ways, and knows that she goes off on her trolly when things don't suit her, but wont ever confront her loopy behaviour.

It’s frustrating whenever she comes around he leaves the room and pretends to be busy and leaves me with her. Then when she’s emotional he runs off as far as he can. I know he’s fed up of her behaviour and he tells me to ignore her but it’s hard at times not to take it to heart. I think because I’m such an outspoken person that i expect he should have this talk with her about her behaviour.

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Original poster

HappyMommy96 · 09/10/2021 22:47

@Cyw2018

The totally unreasonable emotional outbursts your MIL has sound very much like the way my mother treats me. No amount of talking or reasoning, over many years, has improved the situation and in the end the only way to deal with it was to go no contact.

Your partner probably feels like he is between a rock and a hard place between supporting you and knowing that anything he says to his mother will be futile. Also he will likely have a bit of a fear response to his mothers outbursts if he has been subjected to these in childhood. So cut him a little slack. If you want to reduce your level of contract with MIL explain that to your partner and then you do that but leave him to make his own decisions about his relationship with her.

And finally try to learn to say a very firm "leave me alone" rather than swearing as it will be better for you in the long run.

I know me & my partner are fed up with her outbursts I mean that’s why most of her children don’t engage or keep in contact with her. I’ll be honest in my pissed off/angry state I never thought to think of him having a fear response from childhood, makes sense why he’s shy to speak up at all. It’s just exhausting to be the one that has to speak up to her all the time.

I would never want him to go no contact or put any pressure on him to not see his mum. Plus I want our kids to see her, it’s their grandma after all.

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