MIL causing us to split

[HappyMommy96]

Hello,
Before starting this post, me and my partner get on exceptionally well we never argue, never have problems just when his mum gets involved.

So a short run down of the story, we’re currently homeless, I’m 20 weeks pregnant, we have a 1 year old, we’re moving all of our belongings out of our current house to the storage unit and staying with my parents till we get somewhere. We were busy all morning loading my dads van with all of our belongings then once my parents leave to take our things to the storage unit my boyfriends mum starts telling me she’s never felt so uncomfortable, I ask her why and she said she said good morning to me and I didn’t reply and no one has spoke to her, keep in mind we were all busy loading a van while she’s stood in the kitchen on her phone nontheless, I apologised and said I didn’t hear her but when I walked past her multiple times she was on the phone? Anyway she then kept moaning to herself and hysterically crying how she won’t help me move the heavy boxes and I can do it myself? So I ignored her. She has mental health issues and often has emotional outbursts so I carry on moving boxes for easily putting it in my parents van round 2 to take to storage. Then she asks if we’re taking the sofa. Which annoyed me as I’ve been asking my boyfriend for weeks to tell her we don’t want it. She flipped and then out of nowhere starts arguing with me. I told her to stop making everything about her, then she points at me and said I make everything about me... interesting for the woman who is having an emotional outburst because I didn’t say good morning to her... 🤣 then I told her to fuck off then she got angrier. In the midst my boyfriend did fuck all to stick up for me when this whole situation is his fault for not communicating with his parents about not wanting the sofas. I told him to say something to his mother but he told ME to calm down.

I’m pretty angry about the whole situation as there’s no need for his mothers constant emotional outbursts where she’s downright nasty to me (happened to me many times before) but the thing that annoys me is my boyfriend never EVER sticks up for me or talks to his mum about how she’s in the wrong. I just don’t know how much more I can take of his mum having emotional outbursts on me and being horrible to me, my boyfriend saying nothing and then sweeping it under the rug like nothing happened days later? I want to leave my boyfriend because I don’t see this getting any better, but am I being petty, any advice?

TLDR; bf’s mum has mental health issues, constantly has emotional outbursts out on me which leads to her saying lots of nasty things to me and bf never sticks up for me or doesn’t sit and talk with his mum how she’s in the wrong. Am I wrong for leaving my boyfriend over it?

I cannot ever imagine telling my MIL to f* off, and my husband then having a chat with HER.

I’m sorry but I don’t believe your mother in law started hysterically crying about you not saying good morning.

I really do not think it is necessary in telling your version to make another woman sound unhinged just to get sympathy.

Look the matter is simple; you don’t like the situation, then make a choice to leave. What do you want him to do? Fight with his mother too? A woman you say have mental health issues?

My view is that if a man can be cruel to his mother, expect him to have no qualms about being mean to you.

You seem to want you boyfriend to pick sides. No one in that trio will be happy with these struggle for power. Waste of time. Just leave and find a relationship where the man’s mother is not in the picture.

And swearing at his mum? You need to do some self-reflection.

You were doing ok until you told her to fuck off, and then you completely lost any moral high ground.

And no, she’s not causing you to split up. If you split up it’s because of you and your partner, no one else.

@Why2why

I’m sorry but I don’t believe your mother in law started hysterically crying about you not saying good morning.

I really do not think it is necessary in telling your version to make another woman sound unhinged just to get sympathy.

Look the matter is simple; you don’t like the situation, then make a choice to leave. What do you want him to do? Fight with his mother too? A woman you say have mental health issues?

My view is that if a man can be cruel to his mother, expect him to have no qualms about being mean to you.

You seem to want you boyfriend to pick sides. No one in that trio will be happy with these struggle for power. Waste of time. Just leave and find a relationship where the man’s mother is not in the picture.

Thank you for your reply!

She’s dealt with a lot with her schizophrenic son and it’s caused her a lot of MH problems over the years and we’ve always been close and we tell each other everything and I imagine she’s upset about us being homeless but like I told her that’s not her fault it’s ours. Anyway moving on I find it hard when she does have these emotional breakdowns and starts being really horrible to me and in the past I’ve not said anything and just taken it but today has been stressful and I don’t know what she expects me to say after she harasses/screams and cries in front of me. It hurts me more when my bf stands there and let’s her be horrible to me when I haven’t done anything to her.

You told a woman with mental health issues to fuck off when she asked a question that your husband should have dealt with already.

He's your problem, not her.

@PotteringAlong

You were doing ok until you told her to fuck off, and then you completely lost any moral high ground.

And no, she’s not causing you to split up. If you split up it’s because of you and your partner, no one else.

I’m only human and can only take so much screaming/shouting thrown at me sadly.

@AnkleDeep

You told a woman with mental health issues to fuck off when she asked a question that your husband should have dealt with already.

He's your problem, not her.

Not my proudest moment, you’re 100% correct! Thank you.

"I’m only human and can only take so much screaming/shouting thrown at me sadly".

Do you tell your kids to f'off then? My three under three scream and shout all the time!

Time for some self reflection before next baby born.

@mumjustmum

I cannot ever imagine telling my MIL to f* off, and my husband then having a chat with HER.

Right? And I can't stand my MIL. You're as bad as each other OP

Move in with your mum and dad, let him move in with his parents.

Then see how it goes

@mumjustmum

"I’m only human and can only take so much screaming/shouting thrown at me sadly".

Do you tell your kids to f'off then? My three under three scream and shout all the time!

Time for some self reflection before next baby born.

No I’d never speak to my child like that but I also wouldn’t treat or speak to my kids like she does to the rest of us.

"No I’d never speak to my child like that but I also wouldn’t treat or speak to my kids like she does to the rest of us".

The irony of this is unreal. Good luck OP. You've an apology to make.

No I’d never speak to my child like that but I also wouldn’t treat or speak to my kids like she does to the rest of us.

So it’s completely bang out of order to do it to your children but not your children’s grandmother? Nope. You need to apologise I think.

@MrMrsJones

Move in with your mum and dad, let him move in with his parents.

Then see how it goes

That’s what I suggested to him. Then I know he hates living with her because of her emotional outbursts but oh well, I guess that isn’t my problem.

How did you all end up homeless? How is that being rectified?
It’s shocking that your boyfriend chose to impregnate you again, this is a chaotic, unhappy life. Don’t see what relevance your boyfriends mother has, compared to the enormous, disastrous situation you’re in.

OP. You are getting a bit of a hard time here. I imagine you must be under a lot of stress with a young baby, one on the way and no permanent home. Cut yourself a bit of slack. It's great that you and your boyfriend are happy generally (particularly with all the current stress you are under!)

I do think it's telling this happened as soon as your parents left you alone so agree it could be a pattern.

Talk to your boyfriend properly and work out why he finds it hard to step in to diffuse the situation. It also sounds like you're not sure what to do to prevent these situations from escalating. You probably need to do that together - for example, agree that you walk away for a bit or go in another room. Or your boyfriend takes her out the house?

My MIL is very different to me so we do clash as well. She is also in the early stages of dementia which makes her even more challenging. But she'd be totally devastated if I told her to F off. And I don't think my husband would easily forgive that either. You do need to rise above it. Your boyfriend loves his mum unconditionally. It'll be hard for him to take sides.

Just because it's his mother that doesn't mean he needs to join in and have a word with her. You and his mother are both adults, you can sort it out yourselves if you have an issue with one another.

Learn her MH issues. She told you she felt ignored, that there could have been handled with an apology and a small conversation and a suggestion that she helps out to make her feel a part of it.

What exactly are some of the nasty things she says to you?

You told his mother to fuck off. You're lucky he hasn't already split up with you.

TLDR; bf’s mum has mental health issues, constantly has emotional outbursts out on me which leads to her saying lots of nasty things to me and bf never sticks up for me or doesn’t sit and talk with his mum how she’s in the wrong. Am I wrong for leaving my boyfriend over it?

You don't say what MIL's mental health problems are; but if it's anything like BPD, then getting into arguments with her is absolutely pointless! It's best just to say "I'm sorry, you feel like that" and don't get any deeper into the argument!

I'd also say that mental health problems cannot simply be cured by a DS or any other relative, talking with MIL about how she is in the wrong! Mental health problems are not cured by one little talk. If they were, we wouldn't have millions on anti depressants/anti psychotics/mood stabilisers, etc or long waiting lists for NHS CBT, counselling, DBT, etc.

I think you were having a very stressful day, and you are pregnant with a baby already. I think MiL was being awful, she should have been helping, not causing more drama, or at the very least keeping out of the way. I'm not surprised you told her to fuck off, and DH should have had your back. However he is having a stressful day too, and none of you will be at your best. Being homeless is just horrible, packing up all your things like that must have been very upsetting. You shouldn't being having to deal with someone else's dramas on top of that.
Go to your parents and try to put it behind you, but I'm sure you now know that you can't rely on MiL for support in the future. You say you are close, but it's probably best not to involve her in things that are stressful.

We weren't there, so nobody can judge who was right or wrong. It does sound incredibly stressful, and the prospect of being homeless must be devastating.
From what you've described it was pointless your MIL being there, and on her phone or leaving you to be lugging stuff around.
Just because she has mental health issues, that doesn't give her the right to speak to you badly or scream/ cry/ tantrum. I don't think you need to apologise I think there was fault on both sides. You were busy and preoccupied and you don't have to treat her like royalty in greetings.

I'd probably give up trying to garner support from any of them to be honest. Your partner sounds a bit pathetic.
I'd move in with your parents, let him go move in with his. You shouldn't have to have all this stress whilst pregnant, and being homeless too. Telling your MIL to fuck off is no great crime. I think most in your position would probably reacted the same way if they're honest.

Moving house is one of the most stressful things we do & worse you're not even moving somewhere fab & have all that to look forward to. While it's not great that you told your MiL to fuck off, I don't blame you. You were stressed, sad, busy etc & she was being ridiculous to make this fuss. You snapped. We all gave a breaking point & now she and your BF know you have one.
The other issue, him not sticking up for you, well, it's more that he doesn't try to help the whole situation isn't it? He doesn't have to take sides but he could be trying harder to soothe the whole thing " come on Mum, we're all stressed, let's just crack on, come on Happy, you didn't mean that, shall I make us a brew & we'll take 5 minutes..." etc etc.
I'm not sure he's up to that sort of mature handling of a sticky situation though & maybe his mum would just kick off more?

Sorry I'm not much help but I sympathise.

So you didn’t say good morning or acknowledge her much because you ‘were too busy’ then you told her to fuck off.

My mum has MH issues and acts like this so I know how frustrating it is and I have shouted at her before but you are fully aware of her MH issues and I can see why your bf wouldn’t stick up for you as you just told his mum to fuck off.
I’d be angry with someone telling my crying mum to fuck off too even though I get that she’s difficult.

She can’t help having MH issues so know matter how hard it is you need to learn to accept this.
You really shouldn’t be making him choose between you and her.
I think it’s best you just try and avoid spending too much time with her especially in stressful situations.

You seem really stressed out and angry at your bf. Is it just because it was a stressful moving day or are there other reasons?

What was the reason his mum was even there? And was it her sofa?

@mumjustmum

"No I’d never speak to my child like that but I also wouldn’t treat or speak to my kids like she does to the rest of us".

The irony of this is unreal. Good luck OP. You've an apology to make.

We already apologised and spoke to each other and she cried on me that she doesn’t want to fall out and she’s my second mama.

In my eyes these emotional outbursts shouldn’t be happening in the first place, where she’s shouting, calling me all sorts and making me feel like a bad person, when I’ve particularly not done anything wrong. The fact still remains while I’m stood silent listening to her scream at me & my boyfriend stands there like a lemon not going to see if she is okay or talk to her or calm her down, he expects me who is getting screamed at to calm her down? Which in the past I have but on a day like this where we are on a time limit to get everything out the house and for me to clean it for the landlord/new buyers I didn’t have time for her to be having an emotional outburst and trying to argue with me. I feel like my bf should do more and talk to her more which my anger is aimed at him for not being a better son.