Please bear with me, this might be long....
I am a 46 year old woman who was diagnosed with BPD in late 2019 after what can only be described as a rather spectacular breakdown (now known as an BPD episode) while my ex partner was on holiday, which lead me to the mental hospital, having a complete and thorough evaluation and being diagnosed. My spectacular episode included lots of irrational thoughts, perceived situations, accusations, fear of rejection/being cheated on and a few assumptions thrown in for good measure. Needless to say, it wasn't my finest moment to date... At that point we'd been together just over 2 years and it hadn't been free of triggers (which i will get onto later)..... However i am utterly grateful it happened as my whole life to that point finally FINALLY made sense.
So what is BPD/EUPD? (Borderline personality disorder/emotionally unstable personality disorder)... IT'S HELL - real description.. Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships. With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships. A sufferer has literally no ability to regulate emotions, what the brain says, they believe 100%. Its only black or white thinking. So to say to someone with BPD you know what you're doing when you're having an episode so don't do it, its NOT helpful, simply because we CANNOT control our emotions/thoughts/feelings. What i can say, is after an episode, extreme quilt sets in, as does self harming and suicidal thoughts.
BPD is usually triggered in childhood... and my childhood wasn't great...At 4 my mum and dad divorced, i was raised by a man who didn't think twice about beating me, throwing things at me (cups/plates/remote control) and did so from 4 until i was 16 and i still recall the first time like it was yesterday. It wasn't a happy house, lots of arguing, shouting... scary. Then at the age of 11 i was at home alone with my granny and i found her dead. My gran was everything to me. I was traumatised for many many years. While i was dealing with that, at 12-until i left school i was severely bullied, beaten up almost daily, ciggies put out on me, spat at (happened on the bus where i couldn't escape), have my bag stolen, called fat, ugly, tree trunks.... For 4 years i would sit in the toilets every breaktime to avoid the bullies. I literally had no friends during that time. No one dared talk to me in case the same happened to them. Age of 13 i developed an eating disorder and a desire to self harm (burn/cut), followed by being diagnosed with depression at 16. I was given prozac. Didn't help. I saw psychotherapists/psychiatrists/psychologists for almost 5 years.. Then i started noticing my interactions with others became weird. I never felt i fitted in. I never felt liked. I never felt people wanted me around, i would unintentionally push them away before they stopped being my friend. Plus....My friends were pretty, i was not. For the longest time i have been ridiculed for the way i look. I just felt wrong which made me self harm even more. Just before my 17th birthday i was on holiday and was raped. I was a virgin. This was pretty horrendous too. So that more or less sums up my childhood, wasn't the best..
Now my relationships...well, they've been 'fun'....First boyfriend, cheated (REJECTION, not good enough, worthless, ugly, self harm, suicidal), second left me to go to Australia (REJECTION, not good enough, worthless, ugly, self harm, suicidal), then i got married for the first time, i was always aware that there was a high possibility of him leaving although he never gave me any indication of that, that marriage ended after 4 years, during it i developed severe panic disorder, agoraphobia, OCD, anxiety and health anxiety. My second marriage was HELL. He resented me for having these conditions so he would get really angry and beat me and said the most repulsive things to me. This time my (undiagnosed) BPD wanted to cling onto this horrendous marriage because it was better than being rejected. I cried for most of it, self harming almost every week..... Eventually we split up after 8 years (que REJECTION, not good enough, worthless, ugly, self harm, suicidal). My boyfriend after that had an alcohol addiction, would drink 4 bottles of wine a night while pouring vodka out of a Evian bottle in the wine...(only found out he was doing it when i caught him). When he was drunk he would get really abusive, shout and ghost me. Now, to a BPD sufferer, ghosting, ignoring is like a knife to the heart.... Its one of the biggest triggers... It causes basically an emotional meltdown which isn't pretty. Again, the fear of rejection made me hold on for dear life. Then came a man who said all the right things, knew of my mental conditions and accepted me anyway, however this time, i was a little bit more nuts, i was scared of losing this one, but he cheated and it broke me. I got so mentally sick i had to move back in with my mother for 4 years and become her shadow. I couldn't be alone, the panic attacks were too much. I was single for a while until i met my last partner. I really truly thought he could be the one, but no, my mental brain decided it had other thoughts and would be hyper aware and waiting to be rejected, cheated on because i was ugly and worthless and every other man had treated me like shit, so he wouldn't be any different, but this time instead of clinging for dear life i would perceive situations and it would cause rows and he would dump me. This happened SOOOO many times. But you can imagine what the relentless dumping/rejection would do to someone with BPD, yes, it would make them worse. A vicious cycle of me thinking there was an issue, a feeling, a change in tone on text, an inconsistency with what i was being told, which lead to a trigger, which lead to a row and being dumped...... and the cycle would continue. I'm pretty sure he tried but it would always end abruptly...At one point i lost my sex drive completely, i am perimenopausual and it happens to some women. He didn't like this and understandably so, so i told him to be with someone else (BPD episode pushing away before he left situation). Anyway i didn't think he would do it, but he did sext someone else, so once again the rejection trigger, worthless, not good enough kicked in.... It was hell.. For the last year of our relationship it was pretty chilled, we didn't row, i wasn't dumped, we got engaged, it was good, or so i thought. I felt he wasn't happy and i read he wanted a 'real' relationship which was heartbreaking, he said many times he couldn't cope with me which i guess is why i was dumped so often.....The worthlessness/not good enough kicked in ONCE again after reading it...Not long after that i was tired of feeling guilty for his sadness....and we split up.
This brings me to the present day....
Single mum to a almost 23 year old who recently (May this year) tried to take his own life. That's left me with PTSD. Just after it happened i was on edge all the time .... Not as bad now, but still when i hear a siren and he's not home i will text or call him to make sure he's okay. it was only a matter of weeks after that my relationship ended....Since then i've been incredibly suicidal, self harming - i had an episode recently and i'm back under the care of the mental health team and my meds were increased. I find everyday life really challenging...Little things trigger me... and the people who the episode involves don't understand and always make it as if i do it on purpose when they don't realise i CANNOT REGULATE MY EMOTIONS.....and its never personal.. and if i could stop it, i would! 'Cause i could do without the guilt and self harming that follows an episode...
All i've ever wanted is for someone to love, support, stand by me and work with me...i know relationships are possible because i watch couples on YouTube who manage, but that's probably because the undiagnosed partner is willing to understand and learn about triggers, the illness and making them feel wanted.... I get its hard work, but its almost like saying i am so damaged i don't deserve to be loved and that in itself is a trigger......Makes me feel so worthless.... All my adult life due to my other mental health issues i've never had any direction, i have been lost, my life is so limited and it really seems a lot to go through daily for nothing.
Sorry to ramble but occasionally i need to get it off my chest...
Thank you if you got this far...