Relationships are hard when you have BPD.

[BearaSarah]

Please bear with me, this might be long....

I am a 46 year old woman who was diagnosed with BPD in late 2019 after what can only be described as a rather spectacular breakdown (now known as an BPD episode) while my ex partner was on holiday, which lead me to the mental hospital, having a complete and thorough evaluation and being diagnosed. My spectacular episode included lots of irrational thoughts, perceived situations, accusations, fear of rejection/being cheated on and a few assumptions thrown in for good measure. Needless to say, it wasn't my finest moment to date... At that point we'd been together just over 2 years and it hadn't been free of triggers (which i will get onto later)..... However i am utterly grateful it happened as my whole life to that point finally FINALLY made sense.

So what is BPD/EUPD? (Borderline personality disorder/emotionally unstable personality disorder)... IT'S HELL - real description.. Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships. With borderline personality disorder, you have an intense fear of abandonment or instability, and you may have difficulty tolerating being alone. Yet inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships. A sufferer has literally no ability to regulate emotions, what the brain says, they believe 100%. Its only black or white thinking. So to say to someone with BPD you know what you're doing when you're having an episode so don't do it, its NOT helpful, simply because we CANNOT control our emotions/thoughts/feelings. What i can say, is after an episode, extreme quilt sets in, as does self harming and suicidal thoughts.

BPD is usually triggered in childhood... and my childhood wasn't great...At 4 my mum and dad divorced, i was raised by a man who didn't think twice about beating me, throwing things at me (cups/plates/remote control) and did so from 4 until i was 16 and i still recall the first time like it was yesterday. It wasn't a happy house, lots of arguing, shouting... scary. Then at the age of 11 i was at home alone with my granny and i found her dead. My gran was everything to me. I was traumatised for many many years. While i was dealing with that, at 12-until i left school i was severely bullied, beaten up almost daily, ciggies put out on me, spat at (happened on the bus where i couldn't escape), have my bag stolen, called fat, ugly, tree trunks.... For 4 years i would sit in the toilets every breaktime to avoid the bullies. I literally had no friends during that time. No one dared talk to me in case the same happened to them. Age of 13 i developed an eating disorder and a desire to self harm (burn/cut), followed by being diagnosed with depression at 16. I was given prozac. Didn't help. I saw psychotherapists/psychiatrists/psychologists for almost 5 years.. Then i started noticing my interactions with others became weird. I never felt i fitted in. I never felt liked. I never felt people wanted me around, i would unintentionally push them away before they stopped being my friend. Plus....My friends were pretty, i was not. For the longest time i have been ridiculed for the way i look. I just felt wrong which made me self harm even more. Just before my 17th birthday i was on holiday and was raped. I was a virgin. This was pretty horrendous too. So that more or less sums up my childhood, wasn't the best..

Now my relationships...well, they've been 'fun'....First boyfriend, cheated (REJECTION, not good enough, worthless, ugly, self harm, suicidal), second left me to go to Australia (REJECTION, not good enough, worthless, ugly, self harm, suicidal), then i got married for the first time, i was always aware that there was a high possibility of him leaving although he never gave me any indication of that, that marriage ended after 4 years, during it i developed severe panic disorder, agoraphobia, OCD, anxiety and health anxiety. My second marriage was HELL. He resented me for having these conditions so he would get really angry and beat me and said the most repulsive things to me. This time my (undiagnosed) BPD wanted to cling onto this horrendous marriage because it was better than being rejected. I cried for most of it, self harming almost every week..... Eventually we split up after 8 years (que REJECTION, not good enough, worthless, ugly, self harm, suicidal). My boyfriend after that had an alcohol addiction, would drink 4 bottles of wine a night while pouring vodka out of a Evian bottle in the wine...(only found out he was doing it when i caught him). When he was drunk he would get really abusive, shout and ghost me. Now, to a BPD sufferer, ghosting, ignoring is like a knife to the heart.... Its one of the biggest triggers... It causes basically an emotional meltdown which isn't pretty. Again, the fear of rejection made me hold on for dear life. Then came a man who said all the right things, knew of my mental conditions and accepted me anyway, however this time, i was a little bit more nuts, i was scared of losing this one, but he cheated and it broke me. I got so mentally sick i had to move back in with my mother for 4 years and become her shadow. I couldn't be alone, the panic attacks were too much. I was single for a while until i met my last partner. I really truly thought he could be the one, but no, my mental brain decided it had other thoughts and would be hyper aware and waiting to be rejected, cheated on because i was ugly and worthless and every other man had treated me like shit, so he wouldn't be any different, but this time instead of clinging for dear life i would perceive situations and it would cause rows and he would dump me. This happened SOOOO many times. But you can imagine what the relentless dumping/rejection would do to someone with BPD, yes, it would make them worse. A vicious cycle of me thinking there was an issue, a feeling, a change in tone on text, an inconsistency with what i was being told, which lead to a trigger, which lead to a row and being dumped...... and the cycle would continue. I'm pretty sure he tried but it would always end abruptly...At one point i lost my sex drive completely, i am perimenopausual and it happens to some women. He didn't like this and understandably so, so i told him to be with someone else (BPD episode pushing away before he left situation). Anyway i didn't think he would do it, but he did sext someone else, so once again the rejection trigger, worthless, not good enough kicked in.... It was hell.. For the last year of our relationship it was pretty chilled, we didn't row, i wasn't dumped, we got engaged, it was good, or so i thought. I felt he wasn't happy and i read he wanted a 'real' relationship which was heartbreaking, he said many times he couldn't cope with me which i guess is why i was dumped so often.....The worthlessness/not good enough kicked in ONCE again after reading it...Not long after that i was tired of feeling guilty for his sadness....and we split up.

This brings me to the present day....

Single mum to a almost 23 year old who recently (May this year) tried to take his own life. That's left me with PTSD. Just after it happened i was on edge all the time .... Not as bad now, but still when i hear a siren and he's not home i will text or call him to make sure he's okay. it was only a matter of weeks after that my relationship ended....Since then i've been incredibly suicidal, self harming - i had an episode recently and i'm back under the care of the mental health team and my meds were increased. I find everyday life really challenging...Little things trigger me... and the people who the episode involves don't understand and always make it as if i do it on purpose when they don't realise i CANNOT REGULATE MY EMOTIONS.....and its never personal.. and if i could stop it, i would! 'Cause i could do without the guilt and self harming that follows an episode...

All i've ever wanted is for someone to love, support, stand by me and work with me...i know relationships are possible because i watch couples on YouTube who manage, but that's probably because the undiagnosed partner is willing to understand and learn about triggers, the illness and making them feel wanted.... I get its hard work, but its almost like saying i am so damaged i don't deserve to be loved and that in itself is a trigger......Makes me feel so worthless.... All my adult life due to my other mental health issues i've never had any direction, i have been lost, my life is so limited and it really seems a lot to go through daily for nothing.

Sorry to ramble but occasionally i need to get it off my chest...
Thank you if you got this far...

@youvegottenminuteslynn

In reality our exceptions really aren't that high.

While I sympathise completely with how tough this is for you OP, as someone who has been the partner in the scenario I feel I must try to explain to you how much that statement minimises the effect on the other person.

Your expectations are incredibly high in that the other person is made to feel responsible for regulating your moods and behaviours.

For example, if they mean to text but forget, they are given no grace for that. They are punished with anger, or silence, or crying, or guilt tripping. And while I know you cannot help that reaction, it is completely unfair to expect a partner to abide by the rules you set without exception or be afraid of the consequences.

It is utterly exhausting and I do feel that it's something people with BPD struggle to understand at all. That what you think is reasonable is in fact a hugely stressful and anxiety inducing thing for others. Because it isn't about 'just' a quick text, or having to change plans last minute, or any other thing that you feel lets you down. It's about the constant weight of worrying about how your actions could send someone spiralling when in reality you haven't done anything that warrants the anger, guilt tripping, tears etc that you are then faced with.

I truly sympathise with how tough it is from your side but I was left a husk of a person as a partner, terrified of doing something that would make my now ex hurt themselves, scared to say what I wanted if I knew it didn't align with them, constantly having to practice what to say next in my head for fear of triggering them and being left no room at all to have my own mental health issues or difficult times.

Me needing space because I was overwhelmed by a tirade of anger was seen as something warranting more anger, but I still wasn't 'allowed' to leave or I was an awful person. Me grieving someone in my family and wanting to do that with my family for a few days was seen as rejection and my partner made it all about them. I was grieving but they were the victim in their eyes and I was being cruel.

It really fucked me up for a long time and reduced me to a husk of a person when I went in as a ballsy, bold and strong person. It took me a couple of years to get back to being those things.

I don't say any of that to hurt you, I just think it's so important you know the other side of it to try and gain empathy for a future partner.

Thank you for putting it into words, I thought it was all my fault and its taken me years to get through that and I cant say Im totally over it yet because I can still be triggered by my ex

@changedmynameforthisagain
@JustAnotherPoster00

@changedmynameforthisagain

Why don't you leave? You shouldn't have to deal with that..... I know what it's like to have BPD to live 24/7 with the thoughts of rejection/abandonment/never feeling good enough.... then adding the lies our brains tell us....it's hell for us... so sitting on the other side is undoubtedly challenging .... Do you know your husbands triggers? Do you know what caused his BPD? Do you argue when he's having an episode?

It's bloody difficult... which is why I am single because I couldn't tolerate how miserable I was making my ex, and he wasn't afraid to tell me either Which obviously made me feel worse, triggered, vicious cycle ...

Hope you're okay though x

Do you know your husbands triggers?

It was PP's husbands responsibility to control his reactions to his triggers not PP's responsibility to not trigger him

@JustAnotherPoster00

I'm not sure you're aware of BPD but Dysregulation, also known as emotional dysregulation, refers to a poor ability to manage emotional responses or to keep them within an acceptable range of typical emotional reactions. This can refer to a wide range of emotions including sadness, anger, irritability, and frustration.

Also ... on any website the fundamental advice given to a friend/partner/family member/colleague with BPD is this ..

Learn their triggers. Talk to your loved one and try to find out what sort of situations or conversations might trigger negative thoughts and emotions.

So to just say 'it's his responsibility to
Control his reactions...' it's really dismissive of what the disorder is.

@JustAnotherPoster00

Hope this helps...

Emotion dysregulation may present in people with psychiatric disorders such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder. In the case of Emotion Regulation Disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder, hypersensitivity to emotional stimuli causes an over stimulation in the emotional center of the brain (limbic system/amygdala) and a much slower return to a normal emotional state (baseline). In addition it is theorized that there is a reduction in the capacity of certain neurotransmitters to act as “emotional brakes” on the system thereby holding a person in a prolonged state of the fight/flight response. Increased stress on the system through overstimulation and less “emotional brakes” manifests itself biologically by deficits in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain. The pre-frontal cortex of the brain is responsible for emotion regulation, inhibition of inappropriate actions, reality testing, error monitoring and guides attention and thought. Therefore as the pre-frontal cortex of the brain is essentially “turned off” during periods of heightened stress responses it is easier to understand the reactions of those who struggle with emotion dysregulation.

The emotional sensitivity can also be overwhelming as the person with ERD/BPD feels their own emotions and the emotions of others self referentially and chameleon like. A healthy home environment which supports this sensitivity and provides validation is key to the wellness of those with ERD/BPD. With an understanding of the condition and skill learning, families can be integral in helping maintain a healthy, stable environment. Without healthy validation and skills, families can inadvertently and unintentionally make things worse for their loved ones.

I still think you've got hugely unreasonable expectations of how other people should behave around you OP, if a missed text or a different coat sets you off then you need to do more work on yourself, brain chemistry and wiring and trauma aside its not ok to expect other people to limit their lives and behaviour so drastically, constantly, permanently, there are limits on what is acceptable in friendships and rationships that don't enable your disorder. It's totally unreasonable, it isn't dismissive. If you are in the thick of an episode right now and being assessed and supported then this is driving your behaviour.

I have bpd but mine is more the quiet type. I have extreme paranoia, anxiety and depression. I'm very unwell right now. I have accepted that I will always have bpd. My cpn has discussed with me that accepting things can be positive. I try my best to get out of bed, get dressed and try to do stuff during the day. I have a physical issue which causes me a lot of pain too and I cry over it, mostly in private. My relationship with my Fiance is good. We talk through any issues and whilst we bicker we rarely argue. I have an eating disorder and poor self image. I am educated to degree level yet I think I'm stupid and a failure. My previous relationships were abusive, the first horrifically so. I found being in a normal relationship difficult at first but I have learned how a normal relationship should be.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear about what you are dealing with at the moment

We can see you are getting real life support which is great. We hope you don't mind, but we also wanted to add a link to our Mental Health resources which people often find useful.

We are going to move this one over to our Mental Health board now. We hope you continue to get advice and support over there.

Best wishes from all of us here

@ArthurApples

You read it really wrong - it was about another posters partner as an example of what COULD have triggered them...

@fantasmasgoria1

Please message me! x

You misunderstand me, it isn't ok to put so much emphasis on other people changing their behaviour around anyone with problematic mental health conditions, quite the opposite, in a healthy relationship sure, co operate, support each other, but its not healthy is it, its potentially controlling and emotionally abusive. PPs see that, too, the whole relationships board is about that, it takes away boundaries having to change your own normal behaviour around someone who is ill, (or abusive) so you don't upset them. Eggshells, always.
I hope things improve for you, firmly believe they can and will, you're getting the help you need and that's wonderful. Good luck, look after yourself.

@ArthurApples

Thank you x

Beara your post on emotional dysregulation and emotional sensitivity is an excellent resource. It explains the issues very well.

@Muttly

Thank you ...
It really distresses me when I told I can just stop my reactions when in fact, that is the problem, I can't as I don't have the ability (that is the problem) like a normal person, it's not a choice I make... it happens...and before I know, thought, emotion, reaction has happened so fast....

I hear your struggle OP, but your locus of control seems a bit out of sync. Although you are right that triggers and the feelings these give you will probably always be intense there a lots of tools and skills you can practice to help with your reactions and behavioural change. Things like DBT, Distress Tolerance Skills, TIPP and things like general well-being tools which will naturally increase your resilience. What you have been through is so painful, and has affected you deeply, but you can choose to use coping tools and choose how you react to the intense pain and distress you feel when triggered. Best wishes for your future recovery.

[quote BearaSarah]@Muttly

Thank you ...
It really distresses me when I told I can just stop my reactions when in fact, that is the problem, I can't as I don't have the ability (that is the problem) like a normal person, it's not a choice I make... it happens...and before I know, thought, emotion, reaction has happened so fast....[/quote]
Then should you just be absolved of your behaviour just because youve been through trauma and cannot now control your behaviour even though it maybe causing trauma in others?

Im so sorry if I come across harshly OP not my intention but its sometimes hard to read tone from a post

@JustAnotherPoster00

Not being harsh - it's what I've been up against for years and you're clearly still very upset from being in that situation.... (have you considered therapy to get over your trauma?) however, if a person was hearing voices would you tell them to stop? And how would that work out? Do you think they could?

BPD sufferers have an issue with the frontal lobe ... now, I'm no doctor but I'm guessing that's quite challenging to override that without the correct help (which I've never had).

When someone has an episode which I think I've mention IS NOT a regulated response....there is zero control over how a person with BPD thinks, feels, reacts - I realise some people can't understand that and that's fine - and I'm not really here to make people understand cause it's fighting a losing battle, one that I have NO interest in participating in .... but what I can say is during an episode which has come from
Something that my broken scrambled brain has told me is a huge problem, all the parts of the brain for emotion/feelings/reaction are kicked into gear! Now, I don't have ANY warning ... I just feel something is really wrong and I react to that. When there's someone on the receiving end of my episode and in my defence my episodes aren't angry, or swearing, or violent... they come from a place of utter fear of rejection it's reassurance I need. If we're going down a 'I should be held accountable for something I CANNOT control (brain issue)' surely the other person who isn't f'd up should be more mindful of how to react to the reaction? For example, I have a wonderful friend, known him for 9 years. He can spot a million miles away that I'm having a moment and he will listen, try to understand and support - rather than chucking blame, anger, swearing, ghosting and god knows what else because whether you like it or not, that makes us worse and because people with BPD already feel guilty enough! I spend every day feeling guilty - so I'm dealing with trauma, guilt and a brain that has 50000 thoughts at any one given time, none that make any sense which is why BPD has such a high suicide rate and why most of us self harm regularly because of the never ending pain and confusion with live with ...

@JustAnotherPoster00

Hope this helps .. the word 'inability' as opposed to 'ability' speaks volumes.....

If we're going down a 'I should be held accountable for something I CANNOT control (brain issue)' surely the other person who isn't f'd up should be more mindful of how to react to the reaction?

But gently OP, what people are trying to explain is that nobody can fully regulate their behaviour to the extent they don't trigger someone with BPD.

It's an impossible benchmark because as you say someone with BPD has an inability to regulate their own behaviour, so anything could spark an episode. It isn't as simple as 'these are my triggers' and someone adhering to them.

As I said, I've been on the other side of it and it is genuinely soul destroying to think you're doing everything you can to avoid those triggers (which usually involves some quite unreasonable demands eg never, ever forgetting got reply etc) but still be told that you're the one to blame because you're able to regulate emotions while the person with BPD cannot control them.

It creates a dynamic where the partner who doesn't have BPD is not allowed to express their true feelings and is made to feel their feelings aren't as valid.

Like I said, even when grieving or in need of space myself or on a busy work project that required full attention etc etc I was expected to maintain a level of behaviour completely consistent with my normal, regular behaviour. While I don't have BPD, life still has bumps in the road and requirements outside of a relationship that mean I can't make the person the centre of my universe at all times which is what is expected.

I actually am diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD but have had to work on medication and coping techniques myself to cope with those. Again, those issues were deemed not as serious so not priority at any time.

What I'm trying to say I guess is that holding someone else responsible for not triggering you is an impossible standard to expect from another person who has their own thoughts, feelings and needs.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I was only diagnosed Dec 2019 - then covid hit - so I've not had ANY proper therapy or help apart from the antipsychotics. It's only now since I've had 3 or 4 major self harming/want to kill myself situations that they've finally taken notice ... hopefully they'll help me now .... x