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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to make her accept it’s over

73 replies

Doingitright · 09/10/2021 08:01

I am a man looking for some advice please.
Been married 25 years, 2 kids and it’s been rocky for many years. The last three years I have had enough and have been telling my wife I want a divorce.
She really doesn’t want that mainly as she doesn’t work, I provide so she has it pretty easy.
I’ve told her I’m unhappy, talked to her many times about leaving and we even both have solicitors. However she is burying her head in the sand abs refusing to engage with any of the divorce process.
I’ve tried to leave a few times but she winds the kids up so much that I end up coming back to keep the kids happy. She refuses discuss reasonable access to the kids and I feel I can’t leave until we have some kind of agreement on access.

We haven’t slept in the same room for years, the atmosphere at home is constantly tense and we almost never do anything together as a family. Yet I feel she has me trapped there by ignoring the whole situation and I don’t want her to turn my kids against me. Any ideas on next steps or how to make her realise that this isn’t helping anyone?

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 09/10/2021 08:23

I can’t believe that you’ve let her string you along for three years. I feel sorry for the kids, they must be very confused.
You need to get your solicitor to push on with it and make it final, and ask them about you moving out too. I know they often say not too, but living there isn’t helping your situation.
You need to look to the future and work towards it.

Marineboy67 · 09/10/2021 08:28

I think you just have to press on with leaving. The children will be much happier with two 'happier' parents apart than together.
When my marriage split up it was similar to yours, we'd been together 24 years and my ex filled the children's minds with rumours of an affair that I was having. All of which untrue but it made it hard for a few months. Staying for the sake of the children tends to leave one miserable and resentful in your relationship. Eventually for me it came out about the children's mothers 'indiscretions' and they were able to have a balanced understanding why we split up.
The first few years will be challenging but you will arrive at a better place.

SunshineCake1 · 09/10/2021 08:28

Leave with the kids? She can't wind them up then.

twoandeights · 09/10/2021 17:16

Stop going back. If you’re serious then you stay gone and file for divorce and get a proper contact schedule sorted

ArranMumma · 09/10/2021 17:24

Maybe sit and have a chat with your kids about the situation so that they clearly understand that you love them very much but are not happy living with their mum. Don’t badmouth her of course but make it clear that you’re not compatible and you’re going to live somewhere else but you still want to see them for half the week. Tell them that their Mum will be sad for a while but should hopefully get better over time.
Once you’ve had a chat with the kids you can’t go back on it cos it’ll confuse them and be even more upsetting.
Stay somewhere else like your parents house or siblings house, or rent a room off a friend and contact your solicitor to start taking action on your divorce.

samwitwicky · 09/10/2021 17:36

Why don't you leave WITH your kids?

50ShadesOfCatholic · 09/10/2021 17:37

Wow your post is very lacking in self awareness. How about taking responsibility for your part in this? You leave, return, leave, return... no wonder your family is confused.

You need to behave like a mature adult. Make a plan and stick to it.
Find a place, move out and stay out.

Start the process of splitting legally, paying child support etc and drawing up a childcare agreement.

Enrol in a parenting course of my least patenting through separation so you can get good, sensible support and do the best by your kids.

Whether or not your wife wants to work is neither here nor there.

Loveshelly · 09/10/2021 17:42

How old are the children

cushioncovers · 09/10/2021 17:46

You need to stick to the plan and continue with divorce proceedings. Eventually your wife will have to comply, she can't keep you trapped in a loveless marriage just because she doesn't want to get a job.

TheFoundations · 09/10/2021 17:46

Only you can end this situation. Not by 'making her accept' the situation, but by doing what you need to do, regardless of what she accepts or doesn't.

MelKarnofskyCrane · 09/10/2021 17:48

Man have you come to the wrong place.

TheChip · 09/10/2021 17:51

Your wife doesn't need to accept anything. If you want to move on then you do just that.
Go to the courts or mediation to get contact arranged.
Stop leaving and going back though, that's really no good for anyone and it just let's your wife believe that if she does what she does enough you will come back.
So expect the same shit next time you leave, only this time ignore it.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 17:52

Your going back and forth hasn't helped, that's for sure. Your wife doesn't have to agree with getting divorced, btw. Just move forward.

YoBeaches · 09/10/2021 17:52

Yes an appropriate time to use the term MAN UP.

But don't disrespect your wife by saying she's had it easy all this years. She raised your kids FFS.

Get a back bone and get on with it.

GreyCarpet · 09/10/2021 17:54

@MelKarnofskyCrane

Man have you come to the wrong place.
Why? All the advice is rightly telling him he doesn't need to watch for her tonaccept the situation and that he needs to make a decision and stick to it regardless.of what she wants.

Which is exactly the same advice that is given to women who post because their partners won't accept the relationship is over.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/10/2021 17:57

What has your solicitor advised?

TheFoundations · 09/10/2021 17:59

@MelKarnofskyCrane

Man have you come to the wrong place.
Why?
Loveshelly · 09/10/2021 17:59

If you’re scared you will lose your children through alienation, that’s a fear that would make most people go back.
Which is why I asked how old they are, because if they’re not that long out of moving out, then honestly. I would just stick it out for a year or two.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 18:12

Take the children with you if she's manipulating them.

ErinAoife · 09/10/2021 18:16

How old are you kids?

ErinAoife · 09/10/2021 18:17

How old are your kids?

user1481840227 · 09/10/2021 18:30

@GreyCarpet

The difference is that women are generally the ones who get to either stay with their children or take them with them when they leave.

GreyCarpet · 09/10/2021 18:52

[quote user1481840227]@GreyCarpet

The difference is that women are generally the ones who get to either stay with their children or take them with them when they leave.[/quote]
Yes, but that doesn't change the general tone nor content of the advice being given. It's comparable.

And most women fear their children being taken away so the fact this poster is not suggesting doing that can't be taken as a negative thing.

Shelddd · 09/10/2021 19:02

@YoBeaches

Yes an appropriate time to use the term MAN UP.

But don't disrespect your wife by saying she's had it easy all this years. She raised your kids FFS.

Get a back bone and get on with it.

.... Really though? He said he's been married 25 years so I'm going to assume children are in school. Do you really think being a SAHM with children in school is harder than working (and still having to take care of the house and kids after work?)

This site is so ridiculous some times.

Sure being a SAHP when kids don't go to school is full time job but not when they're out of the house 30-40 hours a week.

BoredZelda · 09/10/2021 19:16

Do you really think being a SAHM with children in school is harder than working (and still having to take care of the house and kids after work?)

That depends on so many things. Not least, how the kids are, and what he does for a living. For example, my daughter is at school all day, but there are still many restrictions on my time. Then there are extra curriculars.

If she is “winding up” the children, I’d assume they aren’t older teens.

So many red flags in that opening post, I can’t help but think there’s something not on the up and up here.