How to make her accept it’s over

[Doingitright]

I am a man looking for some advice please.
Been married 25 years, 2 kids and it’s been rocky for many years. The last three years I have had enough and have been telling my wife I want a divorce.
She really doesn’t want that mainly as she doesn’t work, I provide so she has it pretty easy.
I’ve told her I’m unhappy, talked to her many times about leaving and we even both have solicitors. However she is burying her head in the sand abs refusing to engage with any of the divorce process.
I’ve tried to leave a few times but she winds the kids up so much that I end up coming back to keep the kids happy. She refuses discuss reasonable access to the kids and I feel I can’t leave until we have some kind of agreement on access.

We haven’t slept in the same room for years, the atmosphere at home is constantly tense and we almost never do anything together as a family. Yet I feel she has me trapped there by ignoring the whole situation and I don’t want her to turn my kids against me. Any ideas on next steps or how to make her realise that this isn’t helping anyone?

@beigebrownblue he literally said he's planning to give her more than the required legal amount and you're still trying to be shitty towards him. He's going to give her more than the suggested spousal settlement that you're talking about

@girlmom21 ......instead of raising his own kids....very generous indeed.

@YoBeaches I agree he should want to take the kids, but she was talking about what his wife is legally entitled to, regardless of who has them

beige maybe she doesn't want to work so therefore isn't sacrificing anything?

She really doesn’t want that mainly as she doesn’t work, I provide so she has it pretty easy.

Was this a joint decision? Did you also want for her to be a full-time mother and stay at home and look after the children?

Do you understand what she has lost in terms of a career and earning power in this decision - made by whom exactly? - to not work and er, "have it pretty easy"?

My partner's ex wife never worked a day after the wedding ring went on, but expected everything, and gave nothing to the marriage. All she wanted was financial security so she could sit on her big fat arse and drink all day.

When it became clear all of this was coming to and end she fought tooth and nail to make his life a misery and it worked.

After the divorce his life was better and that is what you have to work towards - a better life eventually.

Are you waiting for her to give your permission to leave?

If you want to leave, then leave. She's not going to believe that you're serious unless you actually do it, because why would you stay if you really didn't want to?

You're not making things better for the DC if you don't even want to be there and feel trapped. Children will pick up on this and it sounds like a really stressful and insecure environment for them.

It will be messy and complicated- these things always are. But until you take the first step of making a plan to leave and actually executing it, nothing is going to change and everyone will remain unhappy and insecure.

"@YoBeaches "She raised your kids FFS"

Pardon? She has actually raised "her own" kids. His kids , her kids, Who do these kids actually belong to? They both sat down and planned their family? Their joint kids are now solely his kids now he wants to leave? Should Op stay in this misery? No!

@@Loveshelly I would just stick it out for a year or two.

I wouldnt @Loveshelly. I would forge my own life now and leave now and tell her to support herself. Life is too short to "stick" anything out.

Be there for your children OP, care for them, look after them, have them with you, parent them and provide for them financially. But, equally, with yr stbex, let her forge her own financial future security now. You are not a cash cow. Leave, support yr children and all the best to you Op in yr new life.

"@Haffiana Do you understand what she has lost in terms of a career and earning power in this decision - made by whom exactly? - to not work and er, "have it pretty easy"?"

Well one would assume she made that life altering decision herself. I am twice divorced and have 2 ( now grown ) children and never left full time work at all since 1989. My divorces had zero impact on mine or my children's standard of living ( i had it covered) or, their relationship with their Dad which has alway been fantastic.

Are you saying that If you choose to leave work, to raise a family, ( with no provision for yourself), your husband can then never leave you, if the marriage breaks down? If you have rendered yourself dependant on him, he can never leave? If you are then the main bread winner, you can never leave an unhappy marriage; if yr husband is a SAHD because he has rendered himself dependant on you? You stay in unhappy marriages purely and solely because the other cannot financially support themselves....then you die? That is living? That is life for you?

Your life's happiness is not achieved because the person you married, and then fell out of love with , has no job and cannot support themselves and you are stuck there. Madness!

Relationships break down. Prepare for it and the children you bring into this world before you enter into such life contracts.

Op, you are not responsible for yr wife. She is her own person, the marriage has now broken down.

Leave and be happy.

Well one would assume she made that life altering decision herself.

I cannot imagine any marriage where one parent could make such a decision by themselves. How would it be even possible practically for one parent to decide that??

I am twice divorced and have 2 ( now grown ) children and never left full time work at all since 1989.

Perhaps that is why you are making wild assumptions about families that didn't do this?

Are you saying that If you choose to leave work, to raise a family, ( with no provision for yourself), your husband can then never leave you, if the marriage breaks down? If you have rendered yourself dependant on him, he can never leave? If you are then the main bread winner, you can never leave an unhappy marriage; if yr husband is a SAHD because he has rendered himself dependant on you? You stay in unhappy marriages purely and solely because the other cannot financially support themselves....then you die? That is living? That is life for you?

No idea what this has to do with anything I wrote or that the OP wrote.

So no, in short, it isn't what I was saying. It is seems to be something you feel aggrieved about, despite (because?) never having been a SAHP or having supported one.

I have done both, btw.

"So no, in short, it isn't what I was saying. It is seems to be something you feel aggrieved about, despite (because?) never having been a SAHP or having supported one.
I have done both, btw."

The Op said in their opening post that their spouse was a SAHP and that that was why their spouse did not want divorce. Maybe i read that wrong?
I was actually a SAHP for 3 yrs but, i used my savings from a property sale i made , to fund myself during that sah time. Therefore, I did not need to stay married when it went pear shaped as i could support myself. I returned to full time work when my eldest was 3, after a 3 yr break child rearing at my own expense. My point is i never left myself in a position where i needed to ever stay married.

The Op is not happy, they should leave. Their stbex spouses financial situation is not really their concern nor is it a reason to stay.

"I cannot imagine any marriage where one parent could make such a decision by themselves. How would it be even possible practically for one parent to decide that??"

Agree. I cannot imagine a marriage where one person would enter into with nothing and then decide to leave themselves and their children so solely dependant on another for the rest of their lives. It is a strange to us but , judging by Op's post is does occasionally happen.

People should not be trapped in unhappy marriages because the person they are married to has no money to support themselves and solely reliant on the partner who is unhappy. If i had had to stay married to either of my exe's , due solely to their own inability to support themselves, i would have found it quite controlling , abusive and life limiting frankly.

I think the first thing to do is marriage counselling to try to save your relationship. If there is no way it could be salvage then divorce.

@ErinAoife

I think the first thing to do is marriage counselling to try to save your relationship. If there is no way it could be salvage then divorce.

OP wants out. I don’t think marriage counselling is appropriate in this case. He’s entitled to have decided the relationship is no longer right for him.

I'm feeling uncomfortable about this whole 'I provide' thing.

Do you mean that if you were to split up she would have to get a job? If that's the case then I think she might feel lost because you've set her up to be a SAHM not needing to work, then because your plans change, she is thrown into a very difficult position as she won't have a CV nor the skills for the workplace.

If she feels lost then she is not going to be amenable to discussing separation.

@CinstonWhurchill I cannot imagine a marriage where one person would enter into with nothing and then decide to leave themselves and their children so solely dependant on another for the rest of their lives. It is a strange to us but , judging by Op's post is does occasionally happen

It sure does, my parents marriage was exactly that. My mother didn't work for 20 years after my older brother was born. He left her 32 years ago, when my younger brother turned 18 and even now she still believes he 'owed' her financial support for the rest of her life because she'd had 'his' children.

I think the act of raising children is so important that I understand women who think they are owed financial support. When two people commit to one another and decide to bring children into the world, if they don't want other people raising their children then inevitably one party will have to cease their career or put it on hold. That person will be at a disadvantage when they try to re-enter the workplace because the world will have changed. Their partner should really support them as much as possible.

Other people don’t raise your child if you use childcare, you still parent the vast majority of the time.

Just divorce her and pay what you're mandated to pay. You're responsible for your children but not her. She took the risk of giving up work. Every action has consequences.

@Udouhun

Just divorce her and pay what you're mandated to pay. You're responsible for your children but not her. She took the risk of giving up work. Every action has consequences.

. That's not how it works. Her not working allowed OP to further his career, so that'll be taken into consideration. If she's also the resident parent, then she's likely to get more than 50% of all the assets (incl OPs pension), plus child maintenance. She might also get a limited amount of spousal maintenance to help her transition into work. And OP may also have to pay half of childcare fees, so that she's able to work.

Don’t you want to go for 50% residency of your children?

Don’t you like them?

I was a SAHM for 10 yrs, then my DH unexpectedly passed away. I immediately looked for work. Regardless of the 10 yrs gap in my CV, I managed to secure work in retail, sourced after school care for my youngest and got on with my/our lives.

Just because his wife has been at home for a number of years, this does not render her useless.

She should absolutely go out to work now that the DC are in school.

If her earnings are reduced, due to her lack of skills then by all means her ex can top up her wage if needs be. Yes she stayed at home to raise kids when it was necessary, it’s no longer necessary now they are all in school.

@CinstonWhurchill

"So no, in short, it isn't what I was saying. It is seems to be something you feel aggrieved about, despite (because?) never having been a SAHP or having supported one. I have done both, btw."

The Op said in their opening post that their spouse was a SAHP and that that was why their spouse did not want divorce. Maybe i read that wrong?
I was actually a SAHP for 3 yrs but, i used my savings from a property sale i made , to fund myself during that sah time. Therefore, I did not need to stay married when it went pear shaped as i could support myself. I returned to full time work when my eldest was 3, after a 3 yr break child rearing at my own expense. My point is i never left myself in a position where i needed to ever stay married.

The Op is not happy, they should leave. Their stbex spouses financial situation is not really their concern nor is it a reason to stay.

Mumsnet should do an announcement post. SAHMS going through a divorce - please don’t stress about finances. Sell a property and you will be fine! You’re welcome :)