How to make her accept it’s over

[Doingitright]

I am a man looking for some advice please.
Been married 25 years, 2 kids and it’s been rocky for many years. The last three years I have had enough and have been telling my wife I want a divorce.
She really doesn’t want that mainly as she doesn’t work, I provide so she has it pretty easy.
I’ve told her I’m unhappy, talked to her many times about leaving and we even both have solicitors. However she is burying her head in the sand abs refusing to engage with any of the divorce process.
I’ve tried to leave a few times but she winds the kids up so much that I end up coming back to keep the kids happy. She refuses discuss reasonable access to the kids and I feel I can’t leave until we have some kind of agreement on access.

We haven’t slept in the same room for years, the atmosphere at home is constantly tense and we almost never do anything together as a family. Yet I feel she has me trapped there by ignoring the whole situation and I don’t want her to turn my kids against me. Any ideas on next steps or how to make her realise that this isn’t helping anyone?

I'm presuming you don't have a newer model to replace your wife.

Then I agree manup, tell everybody the truth.
Tell her you no longer love her, tell the children and explain to them you wish to just move on to be on your own.

Find a new home, do you need to sell the marital home to buy another?
Make sure your wife finds a suitable home to house your children, if so.

Get in place the child maintenance and agree to a 50/50 split of childcare. I'm sure she's going to need more time to adjust to finding work as she's been totally out of the job market, no career and really no ability of finding a decent paying job.
She's also probably going to have a nervous breakdown seeing as she's being discarded after a long 25 year marriage.

I'm not being flippant but it's the truth, she will be devastated and you can't make her happily accept it no matter how much your guilt wants that.
Where did you go before when you left, your own place or parents?
Maybe if you leave again, take the children 50/50 you can then orchestrate the divorce from a distance.

Tell your children they are welcome wherever you are.

How old are your children?

How do you foresee the child arrangements working? Are you planning to do 50/50 care with your wife or would it make sense for you to have them most of the time so she can focus on building up her career after being out of the workforce for so long?

How do you think the assets (including your pension) should be split? How are you going to ensure that the children are adequately housed?

These are all matters which will have to be decided in a divorce so best to start thinking about them now.

@Shelddd it's not about it being harder or more work. Effort was contributed. If he didn't like it he could have stopped it at any time. But no, wait till the divorce to say she's had it easy her whole life.

Whilst we don't have enough information, it's irritating at the very least. People need to own their decisions in life.

@GreyCarpet
It would definitely change the content of the advice given. The advice given to women is generally given under the assumption that the kids will be leaving with the mother or staying with the mother and that is what happens most of the time.

Occasionally there have been threads where women have wanted to end the relationship but the father has warned he'll make things difficult or stop her from taking the kids or so on and the advice given is generally about how to ensure she remains the parent with majority custody.

There's been several threads on here over the years also where the mother was the breadwinner and the father was the SAHP and in those cases there are always several who suggest the mother cuts down on her hours or even quits her job etc. just to make sure she is around the kids more than she has been before...to help to ensure she gets majority custody of the kids afterwards.

No one says make a decision and leave and sort it out afterwards!!

Now I do think that in this case he should leave and sort it out afterwards with the court, but the reason for my post was to say that the advice given to men and women absolutely is different!

It's definitely not true that most women fear their kids being taken away either. I know many women who have ended relationships with their childrens fathers and they didn't fear that.

[quote YoBeaches]@Shelddd it's not about it being harder or more work. Effort was contributed. If he didn't like it he could have stopped it at any time. But no, wait till the divorce to say she's had it easy her whole life.

Whilst we don't have enough information, it's irritating at the very least. People need to own their decisions in life.[/quote]
The criticism was literally over the word easy.... so yes it is about whether something harder or more work... because thats literally the opposite of the word easy......

no one said she didn't contribute. Just saying she's had it easy, and she probably has if she didn't go back to work sometime after all the kids were in school like is standard for most households.

The OP didn't make that comment about her having it easy to slate her, sounds like he was just explaining that the marriage is dead and he thinks that's the only reason why she won't let go of it, not because of love!

Um maybe stop going back when you leave.

She's never going to accept it as you well know. Get over this obsession with being the "good guy", leave and stick to it.

She's playing you like a fiddle, you really need to grow a pair OP.

he thinks that's the only reason why she won't let go of it, not because of love!

Or maybe, she is wondering how they hell she will support herself if he’s been financially abusive. We just don’t know enough of the situation to suggest she is only with him for an “easy” life.

I think some replies here are very harsh OP and I think they would be different if it was a woman posting about trying to leave her husband. Ending a marriage is really hard. Even when you are the one wanting out, it’s emotionally painful and normal to have an internal struggle (I wonder if the harsh commentators have been through a divorce themselves). In your situation, you just have to get your head together, find somewhere to live and leave. Tell the children you love them and you are not leaving them, but mum and dad will be living in separate houses etc. Get your solicitor on the job of liaising with your wife’s solicitor (since you already both have them) regarding contact with your children.

Given that your wife doesn’t want the divorce, there will be rocky times ahead until she comes to terms with it. My ex husband, told my adult children that I’d had affairs, was screwing him for money (untrue), had angry rants and threatened suicide. The only way forward is to remain calm and focused. Good luck.

I thought he meant had it easy in terms of being the bread winner/ main earner. Not that he was necessarily comparing since he made no reference specifically to that
Anyway OP, tell wife it's time for the family chat about divorce. Tell the kids the truth that you've grown apart and are making each other miserable and it's unhealthy for everyone. Then move out and start divorce proceedings. If you are UK based am sure courts can help you sort reasonable access
M

Kids are school age. I meant she has it easy as in the kids are at school all day and she has no need to find a job. I know she has worked hard bringing them up.

My plan is to be very generous in the divorce - I want the kids to be happy and looked after which means giving her more than I would legally have to give.
I know it’s confusing going back and forth, I’m not proud of that. It’s just so hard when I see the kids so upset and I know she has been saying things to them to fuel that further. I really do just want the kids to be happy.

Listen to your solicitor’s legal advice and progress the divorce asap, including financial settlement and the DC. That will likely mean court over the DC. In the meantime, stay in the family home and focus on parenting.

Tell the DC the marriage is over, and stick to it.

I don’t know what you mean by ‘winding up’ the DC. The DC will have been negatively affected by the situation so far. it’d be best to be open with them that the marriage is over and that once divorce is resolved you’ll be living separately. Then to sort the divorce as quickly as possible.

I say remain in the shared home because you say your wife has threatened to impede access to your DC if you live elsewhere: if you can’t reach an agreement on the DC there will need to be a legal case and decision.

There is no need to be very generous, just pay what your solicitor/ court says.
You may end up with another family to fund yet, so don’t make any promises.

So you don't want 50% access to the kids OP? One week on one week off with assets divided equally?

If she's being emotionally harmful to the children, would it not make sense to go for primary/shared care? I mean, you'd have to sort afterschool and holiday care but one of you is going to have to do that anyway when your wife goes back to work.

How often do you want to have the kids?

@50ShadesOfCatholic

Wow your post is very lacking in self awareness. How about taking responsibility for your part in this? You leave, return, leave, return... no wonder your family is confused.

You need to behave like a mature adult. Make a plan and stick to it.
Find a place, move out and stay out.

Start the process of splitting legally, paying child support etc and drawing up a childcare agreement.

Enrol in a parenting course of my least patenting through separation so you can get good, sensible support and do the best by your kids.

Whether or not your wife wants to work is neither here nor there.

Yes I would support this comment.

You don't say how old your kids are.

Having divorce hanging in the air for a number of years is very damaging for kids and everyone else.

Your OH is understandably afraid of what she would do for an income You don't say how old the kids are. It is difficult to mediate on this one until and unless you are out of this situation.

Also what exactly do you mean by 'winding the kids up'.
Surely you are doing that yourself by leaving, and not saying what your plans are?

Why is it always assumed women get the kids?

She has it easy - no she doesn’t.

@Doingitright

Kids are school age. I meant she has it easy as in the kids are at school all day and she has no need to find a job. I know she has worked hard bringing them up. My plan is to be very generous in the divorce - I want the kids to be happy and looked after which means giving her more than I would legally have to give. I know it’s confusing going back and forth, I’m not proud of that. It’s just so hard when I see the kids so upset and I know she has been saying things to them to fuel that further. I really do just want the kids to be happy.

Sorry, but just to set this one straight...

Your wife has sacrificed and is still sacrificing years of her working life, in order that you might progress your career, and you plan to be 'generous'.

Please don't use that word. She is entitled to a spousal settlement. End of.

Why don’t you just find somewhere to live where the kids can come and stay and leave?

You could always consider going for custody yourself if she is difficult

Just get on with it

Op divorce is never easy on anyone involved. But I can say as someone who has been through it come out the other side and moved on ( been divorced for ten years now) the kids get over it and with the right support can actually thrive. Be mindful of how you talk about your ex wife to the kids. The bond between a mother and her children is a powerful one even if she's not a great spouse.

There is no way to make this next step easy or without some painful emotions so you've just got to take a deep breath and get on with it.

You're fully entitled to end your marriage, but stop it with the back and forth. Accept that your wife doesn't want this, which will make it tougher, and nevertheless forge ahead. Pay what you owe, be decent to the kids and yes, do go on a parenting course for separated parents. Doing so isn't a criticism of your parenting - I did it when my husband left, and I'm a bloody good parent. But I did pick up some useful pointers. Your wife will be unhappy - so be it.

Lots of things to think about, like the children's needs and ages, ( 5 is different to 16) location ( eg if you are rural then they will need more ferrying around than children who live in a city with decent public transport) , money ( is there enough to support 2 homes) ,wife's career prospects/training.
We can help if you want to give detail, otherwise it's all a bit academic.
If you have carefully thought out proposals to present to your wife and the solicitors, it looks more like you mean it and less like a flounce.

My ex didn't want a divorce, it made it more difficult, but the legal process can still continue regardless, so no reason not to carry on with your wishes for a divorce.