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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to stop thinking about OW?

53 replies

Takestwotocheat · 09/10/2021 07:25

DH had affair with OW. She wasn’t just in the background, she contacted me, lied and gaslighted me. She came to our house to sleep with DH.

I hate DH and are divorcing, he wants to stay together. She has a husband and two children. She wanted my DH to leave but he didn’t. Now she is saying she wants to stay with her family. Apparently.

How do I forget her as she is preoccuping my mind.

OP posts:
Andithoughtiwasspecial · 09/10/2021 07:56

Flowers that sounds hard. Was she your friend?

CallmeHendricks · 09/10/2021 07:56

I don't think "forgetting about her" is the answer at this point. You have been massively betrayed by them both (although he is the main issue here as he is the one who is/was your husband) so it is going to take some working through before you're in a place to move on.

Yummypumpkin · 09/10/2021 07:58

I agree with @CallmeHendricks. It is natural you will be thinking about this. Its going to take time. A friend went through something similar recently. She truly became obsessed with the OW, Facebook messaging her, texting etc etc

Fast forward 3 months and she is doing great and has even started dating.

She just needed to go through that after what her dick of a husband did.

Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Original poster
Takestwotocheat · 09/10/2021 08:28

Not a friend but we knew each other. I hate the idea of her blowing up my life and my children’s and hers being okay.

OP posts:
Doje · 09/10/2021 08:36

Remember her life isn't ok. She cheated on her husband so whether he knows or not - that's not a good relationship. Who would want that? Who would want to be the person living with that, living in that relationship? Nah, you be you. You've done the right thing and can live a happy life knowing you've done the right thing and are living your life free of lies. She doesn't get to do that.

bigbaggyeyes · 09/10/2021 08:39

It took me a while to stop constantly thinking about the ow. Divorcing my dh went a long way to stopping that.

How long has it been since you found out? It takes time. Be kind to yourself, don't expect to bounce back straight away. Have you also considered counselling?

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2021 08:42

Op her life isn’t ok clearly and she didn’t blow up your life, he did.

In4mation · 09/10/2021 08:44

Allow yourself to grieve for your lost relationship. Anger is one if the stages of grief. Go with it. It will pass with time.

Just try not to let anger and bitterness consume you long term, like one of the posters on a long current thread. Long term it will be you losing out. Short term it is completely natural.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/10/2021 08:47

Does her DH know? I think he should to allow him to make a decision with full knowledge of facts.
You can’t just forget her, because she did something truly awful with a massive impact on you and your family. But you can choose not to give her head space. Be gentle on yourself and take the time to heal.🌸

MushMonster · 09/10/2021 08:58

Of course she is in your mind. It is pure anger.
She is a horrible person for wanting to break up a family, and her own, for purposely making you suffer by contacting you directly, and now your life is in pieces because this unworthy person.
Sometimes OW are fooled into it. But this one sounds like fully knowing, fully purposely, bitter, trying to steal other person's happiness, your happiness. And she got it. That hurts and it is the deepest anger in the world. Your children, their present and future. Yourself, all the love and plans you put into it. And it looks like your husband too. I bet you he greatly regrets to being involved in this.
I think you will need time for it to slide off your mind. But you will always feel that anger.

brittleheadgirl · 09/10/2021 10:12

She didn't 'come to your house to sleep with your husband'
He invited her into your home to have sex with her.

Start getting angry with the right person op.

CallmeHendricks · 09/10/2021 10:19

The op did say she was furious with her husband, hates him for what he's done and is pursuing a divorce.
So she isn't only blaming the OW.

Original poster
Takestwotocheat · 09/10/2021 10:20

Thanks all. To be clear am livid with ex H. But she wasn’t silent to me as yes he is disgusting but in my view also takes a pretty low partner to agree to sex in a marital bed, in a children’s/family home.

I feel anger towards both.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 09/10/2021 13:55

Totally get it op and you are to be applauded for having the strength to take steps. Ignore the 'he betrayed you not her crap'. I don't believe in the sisterhood or any nonsense like that but as human beings I think we ought to try not to cause each other harm and a knowing ow is pretty far over line of decency, especially when children are involved. The fact that the husband is worse and should also be castigated does not mean the ow can't be too.

Loveshelly · 09/10/2021 14:15

It’s just extremely common to obsess over something / someone we have no control over whatsoever.
It will eventually go, she is not getting away with anything and continuing in a happy life whilst yours has been blown up. That is clear for everyone.
Are you doing any therapy?

Viviennemary · 09/10/2021 14:23

Write to her husband with the truth. In every detail.

MushMonster · 09/10/2021 14:32

I would leave her to rot on her own issues.
OP has enough dealing with her own life change.
Not sure getting involved in more heartbreak will help her.

TheFoundations · 09/10/2021 15:37

What are your thoughts doing when she is preoccupying your mind? Are you furious with her? Are you sad? Do you feel she's 'won'?

If you can get to the bottom of which bit of your insecurity she's got her teeth into, you'll be closer to getting free.

BoomChicka · 09/10/2021 15:42

I get it, your ExH has suffered the consequences of his actions (divorce), you are dealing with the cheating, the divorce and the upheaval and yet the 3rd person in the story, OW, carries on without a care in the world. It's obviously going to grate!

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 09/10/2021 16:01

I'd be telling her husband if he didn't already know.

Original poster
Takestwotocheat · 09/10/2021 16:23

He knows but she lied and minimised.

I know being angry isn’t helping but my life has been blown apart and she gets to play happy families.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/10/2021 16:25

@Takestwotocheat

He knows but she lied and minimised.

I know being angry isn’t helping but my life has been blown apart and she gets to play happy families.

She might be playing happy families OP, but that doesn't mean she's actually in one.
Rainbowheart1 · 09/10/2021 16:27

I remember your other thread not long ago.

That’s shit she isn’t really been affected, I take it her husband was ok with it then?

That’s the risk your partner took, for that family too still be ok at the end and his not, he was happy to take all the risks, your collateral damage, it takes time to get over it, I really feel for you, it’s horrible when things happen to you because of what others have done

Rainbowheart1 · 09/10/2021 16:28

Also was it only twice they slept together or has the story change since?

Original poster
Takestwotocheat · 09/10/2021 16:47

Not sure what you mean, affair was a long one, not one night stands

OP posts: