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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to stop thinking about OW?

53 replies

Takestwotocheat · 09/10/2021 07:25

DH had affair with OW. She wasn’t just in the background, she contacted me, lied and gaslighted me. She came to our house to sleep with DH.

I hate DH and are divorcing, he wants to stay together. She has a husband and two children. She wanted my DH to leave but he didn’t. Now she is saying she wants to stay with her family. Apparently.

How do I forget her as she is preoccuping my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takestwotocheat · 09/10/2021 16:48

Collateral damage - yes I guess that was the risk: maybe he thought they would end up together really. I don’t know what to believe

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 16:53

This woman's entire life is a pathetic lie. Forget about her.

PartyStory · 09/10/2021 16:57

Every time you feel her overwhelming your thoughts, write out an unsent letter letting all the thoughts go.

It might be worth considering that you might be focusing on her because you don’t want to accept that your husband did these things too.

Loveshelly · 09/10/2021 17:01

You really have to stop thinking she’s happy. It’s a bullshit narrative that you are using to hurt yourself.

Original poster
Takestwotocheat · 09/10/2021 17:13

Thanks everyone Flowers

Definitely am not, not blaming my husband and that part hurts more, just can’t stop thinking she is the one who has won in all this, however crazy that sounds, I know.

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 09/10/2021 17:26

Can you tell her husband the whole truth, since she made light of it?

TheFoundations · 09/10/2021 18:07

You're not blaming your husband for his unfaithfulness?

Loveshelly · 09/10/2021 18:11

Unfortunately no one has won. It will have taken its toll on everyone.
Short term you probably worse. Long term, them.
You’ll probably move on from the fallout much more quickly and better than she will, as she’s obviously still pretending it’s all ok in her life with her DH. When clearly it isn’t.
If that makes sense.

myheartskippedabeat · 09/10/2021 18:37

I'd never trust my husband if he did this I'd dump him and draw a line under it all and move on

Roselilly36 · 09/10/2021 19:00

I could never move on from this, for me blame would sit with my DH, as he’s the person married to me, not the OW, a long term affair would be harder to forgive than a one night stand IMHO. I wouldn’t forgive him for that either, as I have self respect. There would be no going back, as the trust would be gone. Good luck going forward OP, I hope you find happiness.

Tiredofbs123 · 09/10/2021 19:11

Nothing you’ve said sounds crazy. It is a perfectly normal reaction to the betrayal and ongoing trauma you’re feeling. There is plenty of loathing, rage and anger to go round after infidelity and it’s perfectly possible to hate with a passion both the parties who caused you and your family damage.

My advice would be just to feel those feelings. Allow the rage to come and go. Allow the anger to take over, scream into the wind. I promise it does lessen with time. I promise the storm you’re feeling does calm down.

She is not a winner. She has betrayed her family, she has damaged yours, she is a loser at her very core. They may plaster over the cracks but without huge amounts of work from her, it will amount to nothing and I can’t see that happening. She wanted to be with your soon to be ex, that’s hard to come back from.

But you will move to a better future. Things will get better for you, you have integrity, compassion and honesty on your side. Hold your head up!

RantyAunty · 09/10/2021 19:24

Eventually you won't think about her any more. It takes time though.

Remind yourself that their marriage is a damaged one with a couple of plasters on it.

You've gotten rid of the cheater which opens your life up to possibly of a decent good man if you want one later.

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/10/2021 19:34

She's not happy, believe me.

She destroyed her own marriage to pursue a relationship with your DH.

Now, your DH doesn't even want her!

So she has crawled back to her DH probably begged for forgiveness. He stays with her because it's easier to do so but really what kind of relationship is that? It's horrible to be with someone that you don't really want to be with. I give their marriage a year tops before the rot sets in.

Whereas you are free and can live your life how you want to. Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/10/2021 20:45

@TheFoundations

You're not blaming your husband for his unfaithfulness?
I read it as she's definitely not not blaming him, as in she is (quite rightly) blaming him! The double not confused me at first too then I realised!
TheFoundations · 09/10/2021 20:50

Oh, I see. Thanks @youvegottenminuteslynn, I had, indeed, misunderstood.

StripeyBadger · 09/10/2021 21:04

I’d be very surprised if her life is a happy one and I also would expect it likely her husband will leave her eventually.

Just remember she was unhappy enough with her life to have an affair in the first place and she is still in the same situation. You are rid of the man who it turns out didn’t actually want her after all and in time, things will feel much better.

Leodrune · 09/10/2021 21:07

People on here say that the OW owes you nothing as she didn't make vows with you. Well, that works both ways then. You owe the OW nothing as you didn't make vows with her and you are free to tell her DH everything.

It is crap that she has minimised what went on. I would contact her DH and ask him to meet for a coffee and tell him everything you know. You owe her no favours, as she did you. He needs to know everything you know. Then lets see who is playing happy families. You would be doing the rest of us a favour. She will think twice next time she puts a chea shag above other peoples happiness.

TheFoundations · 09/10/2021 21:15

I would contact her DH and ask him to meet for a coffee and tell him everything you know

Because that won't add any drama to OP's life..? Such terrible advice.e

Leodrune · 10/10/2021 08:22

That's you though TheFoundation.
I know that I can be very vindictive and the anger in me would be huge. If I did nothing I know that I would feel a coward later. Not saying that is right, that is just me.

TheFoundations · 10/10/2021 09:09

@Leodrune

Yes, that's the reason it's bad advice: This isn't about what you would do.

Opentooffers · 10/10/2021 10:55

Well done for having the courage to divorce - that actually makes you the winner in all this. You are not stuck with a disloyal liar, like her husband is. It's a long miserable life ahead for her and your exH, of their own making. You can and will in time adapt to your new life going forward scary though it is, and may well in time meet someone who has far better qualities and is worthy of you. They can't ever escape from themselves.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/10/2021 14:14

I don't agree with the posters navel gazing about OW's marriage. Whatever marriage she has is not your business, OP, nor anybody else's.

What posters are actually saying though is that anybody who chooses to stay with a straying partner are living half a life and the cheating partner is forever damned. It's not true; it's blatantly just spouting off as there are many, many women (and men) who choose to make things work. Nobody knows how they would react in the circumstances until it happens to them.

Nobody knows either what conversations happened between OW and OP's husband - or with OW and her husband. They will deal with their own marriage. Hate OW all you want but the posturing and conjecture about her from some on here is really pathetic.

This used to be a really good and non-judgemental board. It isn't now. It's full of drama-seekers and cliches/adages.

Your husband's cheating has happened to you, OP, you've decided to end your marriage and I hope that you will feel better once that has settled. It's the right decision for you and you've made it.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 10/10/2021 16:54

You can "win" too, though.

Just because someone else is happy doesn't mean that you therefor cannot be happy.

It's perfectly possible for everyone to move on and be happy.

You don't need her to be unhappy in order for you to be happy. There is room for both

Yogawankonobi · 10/10/2021 17:00

You can ‘win’ by not giving either of them another thought, by living your life and moving on.

DameMaureen · 10/10/2021 17:14

@Takestwotocheat it really only is time that helps but if you feel you are obsessing to an unhealthy degree then an anti anxiety can help give your mind focus.

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