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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Female friend won't meet me?

125 replies

Pollypocket89 · 07/10/2021 16:17

My dh has made a new ish friend, maybe in the last 2 months or so. I keep saying to him I'd like to meet her and she apparently keeps saying no. She's dropped him off from work before and driven straight off. Is this weird? It seems strange to me

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 07/10/2021 17:28

They are having a work flirtation

I expect he will suddenly stop talking about her as he realises he is attracted to her and wants to keep her to himself.

He is loving the ego boost of the new girl who has shown an interest in him

I would be knocking that shit of the head straight away

Bet his work mates are giving him the eye and the lucky bastard wink

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 17:29

Yes exactly you may see the sparks or atmosphere between them.

It may be nothing op, it’s worth looking into the root troubles as you sound like you don’t trust him, I do get your view, my ‘partner’ Confused did this, his ‘friend’ never wanted to meet me, turns out she had feelings for him. Not nice being in the dark.

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 17:30

Fire forged friends eh.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/10/2021 17:31

What happened with your situation, Alonghairinapie?

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 07/10/2021 17:33

Limerance

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 17:33

Well the first time it happened to me he left me for her!! Well I told him to go.

At the moment, the current partner, well it’s a mess, hence me sitting on here. I no longer trust him really. Sad

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/10/2021 17:36

It's happened to you more than once?! I'm so sorry

OP posts:
thesearelaughterlines · 07/10/2021 17:38

Of course @Pollypocket89 this could all be totally innocent , most of us would not like it and have all come to the same conclusion
But - none of us are living this situation

Sit him down and say " look Fred, I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable that Audrey doesn't want to meet me , am I missing something here ? If you put yourself in my shoes would you be happy ? Are you 2 becoming close ? I'm not sure why I don't like this but you are my partner and I feel slightly pushed out / disrespected ? "

Something along those lines ?

Ughmaybenot · 07/10/2021 17:44

I think there’s a reason you’re feeling uncomfortable about this woman, there’s clearly a gut feeling there. I agree with a pp pointing out that he’s likely to stop mentioning her altogether in a few weeks when he realises he’s overstepped the mark, whether he stops at that point or not, I don’t know.
Fwiw I used to work with all men, and had some good close friendships with some of them, and honestly I don’t think I’d have been super keen to go for lunch with any of their wives after a couple of months, it would be obvious that they were scoping me out, so to speak, but I’d have cooled the friendship off pretty damn sharp. No drama for me.

FFSFFSFFS · 07/10/2021 17:47

Its weird that you want to meet her unless its because you don't trust him.

If I made a male friend at work I would find it very odd that the assumption was that I somehow then wanted to be friends with his wife!

Nocutenamesleft · 07/10/2021 17:48

So I’ve got two thoughts on this

One side of me says. I’ve never met any of my DH work colleagues. This goes for men and women. He’s just started a new job. I know all of his old ones. Men and women. I never asked any of them for lunch. My DH would think I was off my rocker if I said. Oh. I’ve asked billy if he’d like to come out to lunch with me. Alright! Nor do I really care if he spends time outside of work with his male or female colleagues.

However.

I’d be a bit off if he had pictures of any of his colleagues on his phone. Make or female. I’d think. Eh?!? As in. Why does he wants pictures of them on his phone. It wouldn’t bother me as such. I wouldn’t think he was cheating. I’ve been with my husband a really long time though. I trust him to the ends of the earth. I’d just think he was a freak. Lols. I’ve never had photos of my work mates on my phone. I’ve got funny clips of my old work mates. But I haven’t got photos….. I worked with all men. Never once worked with a woman in my industry and I don’t have one photo of them on my phone.

If my husband started talking and keeping pictures of a bee female friend if it wasn’t in his nature. Then I’d be questioning it. I would never tell him to stop as I don’t believe I have the right to ask another adult to not do something. It’s just my opinion. I believe we have choices. So if I was unhappy with something. I’d say listen im not happy with this. Come to some compromise. But I’d never outright say to my husband. You can’t do this or you can’t see them. I’ve got the choice that if he didn’t change the way he was or who he saw in a different way. Then it’s my choice how I react to that. I either suck it up. Or carry on.

I think there’s red flags over this though. From both sides. I wouldn’t ask my husband colleagues to lunch. But I also wouldn’t have photos of my colleagues on my phone.

DoleWhipFloat · 07/10/2021 17:50

@Pollypocket89

have a male friend at work and his wife wants to meet me.

She has asked if she can pop to our work at lunch and even FaceTime me to ‘thank me’ for making her husbands job so enjoyable (his words).

What did you say to that??

I said “Tell her not to be silly. No need to thank me.”
youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/10/2021 17:52

I think you wrote about this the other day already asking about someone speaking to another women every day, so it's clearly making you uncomfortable.

IIRC you've been unhappy for quite a while now in this relationship. Isn't it time to maybe rethink whether that's because it just isn't working?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/10/2021 17:53

Just to clarify, he doesn't have photos of her on his phone. I've only seen her WhatsApp photo

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/10/2021 17:57

I did pick up on the talking daily, yes. That's why I suggested lunch or at least meeting her. I phrased it to him in a if she's such a good friend to you, I want to meet her and thank her etc

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/10/2021 18:01

I wrote this on your thread back in December Op and I'm afraid it's still all true. Each specific incident you fixate on is all due to the fact this relationship is not healthy, it's toxic and dysfunctional. You must be stressed and anxious so often because of it. I posted the below and think it's still true... I'm assuming this thread is about a new woman rather than the previous one but he has form for this behaviour clearly so the points still stand:

OP you've written on so many threads about your partner and his dynamic with this woman. It's become an obsession and a fixation.

I also remember relatively recently you were indulging in flirtation with someone else too (in what clearly seemed like a strange sort of revenge / I can do what he's done thing) and were disingenuous about it saying you were shocked the guy was flirting etc etc.

The bottom line is this - your relationship is not healthy, functional or trusting.

Why are you wasting your life with someone you don't trust whose behaviour makes you unhappy?

It really shouldn't be this hard.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 07/10/2021 18:06

I don't know, I thought it was because I love him but maybe it's attachment, not love.

This is a different woman btw, he moved jobs so we were fine for a while

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/10/2021 18:07

@Pollypocket89

I did pick up on the talking daily, yes. That's why I suggested lunch or at least meeting her. I phrased it to him in a if she's such a good friend to you, I want to meet her and thank her etc
But the thing is OP, that isn't why you want to meet her - to say thank you / be friends with her etc. You want to meet her because you're unnerved and suspicious that your husband has a new female colleague he speaks to every day when last time he had one it turned into an emotional affair. So he knows that your reason for wanting to meet her isn't genuinely out of being excited about meeting her. So why would he (a selfish man who has by the sounds of it treated you badly) push for it to happen?

Be honest with yourself at least - you want to meet her so you can sort of size her up and assess how worried you should be. Due to your husbands previous, that makes perfect sense. But don't pretend to him that it's for other reasons as he knows full well it isn't.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/10/2021 18:10

@Pollypocket89

I don't know, I thought it was because I love him but maybe it's attachment, not love.

This is a different woman btw, he moved jobs so we were fine for a while

I think you might be on to something there. Think of all the emotional energy and time you've spent worrying about what he is doing with / saying to / thinking about other women. Isnt life too short to waste more time continuing to do that?

You could have a nice relationship with someone in future where you don't waste all that energy because they don't have previous for it and haven't hurt you before like he has.

If I had previously had an emotional affair with someone at work, I wouldn't be behaving how he is now. He's basically repeating the pattern and forcing your hand, almost goading you into confronting him about this new woman so he can do the whole 'you're mental, this is why I can't introduce you, you don't trust me' etc etc. But you have no reason to trust him.

It doesn't have to be like this. It sounds too toxic to rescue and you're wasting so much headspace on it that could be spent building yourself up to leave.

DoleWhipFloat · 07/10/2021 18:17

In my case, there is genuinely nothing going on with my coworker, so it is possible to be just friends and think it strange for a spouse to want to meet you.

But, if your partner has form for this, then I can see why you’d be concerned.

I don’t think it’s the ow you need to meet. I think it’s your partner that you need to speak to.

Also, I only use my best photos for my social media. Im not sticking any dodgy looking pictures of me up there…so chances are you aren’t seeing the real her anyway.

Regardless, as I said, if your partner has form, then what are you doing wasting your time on him?

WTF475878237NC · 07/10/2021 18:18

Pretty obvious to me he's interested in her and enjoying slowly crossing boundaries so there's no way he would ask her. They're not friends. They're new colleagues so shouldn't be socialising just the two of them outside of work in my opinion.

thesearelaughterlines · 07/10/2021 18:21

It really annoys me when people waste time and tell lies

"It's not me, thankfully. I was just gauging other peoples opinion as I got into an argument with a friend earlier as her partner is talking to a woman he works with like that and she was angry with me that I said it didn't sit right with me"

These are your words OP in another thread

Be honest and you will get just as much help from here , it is very obvious you are suspicious and now I see he has form
Disrespectful but if you allow him the behaviour then he will of course do it again
Good luck

daffodils123 · 07/10/2021 18:22

LOL I would say no.

I don't have enough time to see my real friends, not to talk of the random wife or a work colleague! 8 weeks means that it's impossible that they are close friends.

I find it very very odd that you want to meet her - don't you have your own friends?? Do you do this with all of his work colleagues?

daffodils123 · 07/10/2021 18:26

Sounds like your husband is interested in her though & I bet he didn't even ask her.

Sophietasha · 07/10/2021 18:27

Dunno. I think your making problems for yourself. I didn’t mind my ex bf doing stuff like that it made it easier for me to do what I wanted without the guilt.