how to stop resenting doing everything whilst his life never changed

[Tista]

Just that really! Its a bit of the usual stuff - doing most of the stuff at home, with child, organising holidays, social stuff- hes not organised us to do anything in about four years. I work part time. It feels like he is always at work (obviously not but do have to ask him to do pick ups ages in advance), and that he sorts his own stuff and nothing much has changed for him- I just feel bottom of the pile. If I have a migraine he wouldnt dream of working at home or cutting hours. It comes to a head when he goes away - he says its not much but in recent months has been 3 or 4 weekends with friends or family, and 2 nights away with work. (No its not an affair, I know where he is , we speak on video), It feels like he has the energy and motivation to do things for work and things for him/family - but I just want him to be a bit mroe proactively involved in our lives not just do what he wants and swan in and out like its a hotel. Ideas? I'm getting really sick of it and have tried to talk to him. It perks up a bit but not on the major things.

Book a holiday for you and the children without him.

Better still - book a holiday and leave him with the children 🤣🤣

The lightbulb moment for me was when I understood that when dh arranged to do something without ds, he had also decided what I would be doing - I'd be looking after ds, because somebody had to. Treating me as the default 24/7 person who would always be there, whereas his involvement was optional and time limited. That helped me understand why I found it so frankly humiliating and upsetting when he was doing completely normal things that he'd always done.

How's your sex life? I find men are mystified when their sex lives tank after a few years of this.

The only way to stop the resentment (which is a totally understandable reaction) is to stop doing everything for him.

So he works full time long hours, and you work part time? Tbh, that does give you more time than he has, to get all this admin stuff done. What good would it do if you have a migraine and he stays at home? Personally I'd rather he took himself off out of the way, and let me suffer in peace. And as for organizing holidays etc. it's usually the wife's job. You get to choose where to go, how much is in the budget, what activities etc. And as for these weekends away, can't you go too? Or go with your own family or friends and leave him at home with the DC for the weekend.

I would be forward booking several mini getaways with your girlfriends without the kids....I see these posts a lot on MN....they way to stop it is just to stop doing it all. I see you have spoken to him about it but he nothing has happened. Time to do stuff for yourself and become selfish like him. You dont have to be the doormat or wife at home cleaning up and doing all the admin whilst he swans off when he likes. You have a voice, you have boundaries you have the right to a life as he does...just go and do it.

The lightbulb moment for me was when I understood that when dh arranged to do something without ds, he had also decided what I would be doing - I'd be looking after ds, because somebody had to. Treating me as the default 24/7 person who would always be there, whereas his involvement was optional and time limited.

That is such a good way of looking at it. That’s exactly what it is.

@Regularsizedrudy

The only way to stop the resentment (which is a totally understandable reaction) is to stop doing everything for him.

This is the answer. You have to stop expecting him to put you first and start putting yourself first. It's not easy. And it's too easy to fall into the habit of 'but the kids will suffer'. But what's worse, the kids losing out short term or the kids growing up thinking that a woman's role in the family is to be personal skivey?

When he gets home from work tonight, drop everything and leave the house alone. Even if you just go to the supermarket. Then do it every day until he gets his act together.

Read up on mental load.

I started sharing the mental load when my DH retired. Up to then, I'd done all the home stuff as he was the main earner.

It's been a bit painful but he's got it. I still look blank if he asks me stupid questions but it's no longer a hotel for him with a personal chef. 😁

He didn't take the piss prior tho. Yours sounds like a single bloke.

And as for organizing holidays etc. it's usually the wife's job.

Yet another mystifying MN Rule. Who knew?!

My DH is a workaholic and never around during the week. The following has reduced my resentment to bearable levels (but I still have some!) although many of these do depend on having some spare cash:

• Have a cleaner.
• Get takeaways/order in fairly regularly so I don't have to cook.
• I don't do DH's laundry or ironing. I don't fold or put away his clothes. He's an adult, he can do this.
• I don't cook for DH. We take turns making brunch together at the weekend so we have at least one family meal.
• I allocate him jobs at the weekend and I refuse to go out as a family until they're all done.
• I go away for the weekend sometimes and leave DH with DC.
• DH takes DC out of the house every weekend for 'daddy time'. I ask him to do stuff with DC that I can't be bothered to do, like take DC swimming, to soft play, buy new shoes or go to the cinema.
• Now we share long lies but there was a stage where DH claimed to be so tired from work that he had to laze in bed every weekend morning until 11. I ended up hiring a babysitter for one morning per weekend for a bit, going out for coffee, and leaving it to DH to explain to the babysitter that she was needed because he was too lazy to get out of bed to mind his own child.

I find putting a monetary value on it helps...I try to make sure that DH has to 'buy' himself out of his responsibilities ("OK, you're away that weekend. I need a rest so we'll have to book a babysitter"). Men frequently underestimate the value of caring and domestic work until it hits them in the pocket.

@Goldbar

My DH is a workaholic and never around during the week. The following has reduced my resentment to bearable levels (but I still have some!) although many of these do depend on having some spare cash:

• Have a cleaner.
• Get takeaways/order in fairly regularly so I don't have to cook.
• I don't do DH's laundry or ironing. I don't fold or put away his clothes. He's an adult, he can do this.
• I don't cook for DH. We take turns making brunch together at the weekend so we have at least one family meal.
• I allocate him jobs at the weekend and I refuse to go out as a family until they're all done.
• I go away for the weekend sometimes and leave DH with DC.
• DH takes DC out of the house every weekend for 'daddy time'. I ask him to do stuff with DC that I can't be bothered to do, like take DC swimming, to soft play, buy new shoes or go to the cinema.
• Now we share long lies but there was a stage where DH claimed to be so tired from work that he had to laze in bed every weekend morning until 11. I ended up hiring a babysitter for one morning per weekend for a bit, going out for coffee, and leaving it to DH to explain to the babysitter that she was needed because he was too lazy to get out of bed to mind his own child.

I find putting a monetary value on it helps...I try to make sure that DH has to 'buy' himself out of his responsibilities ("OK, you're away that weekend. I need a rest so we'll have to book a babysitter"). Men frequently underestimate the value of caring and domestic work until it hits them in the pocket.

Goldbar Love this. Reduced resentment to bearable levels. Is what I need! Love the babysitter on the morning - perfect! I think will do that on the weekends he goes away.

Permanent temporary - thats it too. He has dictated my free time tons - he always says why dont you go away (another time obv) but thats not the answer is it I dont want to go away I want to be in my house floating around treating it like a hotel having my dinner cooked sometimes.

Its not really a mental load thing either (tho there is a bit of it) I think its more the swanning in and out, dictating my free time.

@ChargingBuck
LOL! who knew!

@PermanentTemporary

The lightbulb moment for me was when I understood that when dh arranged to do something without ds, he had also decided what I would be doing - I'd be looking after ds, because somebody had to. Treating me as the default 24/7 person who would always be there, whereas his involvement was optional and time limited. That helped me understand why I found it so frankly humiliating and upsetting when he was doing completely normal things that he'd always done.

How's your sex life? I find men are mystified when their sex lives tank after a few years of this.

You are so spot on.

The ‘mystified man’ will describe sadly like he had no part in the mystery of how he is low down in the wife’s list of priorities - the kids come first etc - and now him and sex are at the bottom of the list. Shocker!

Lots of assumptions and things getting mixed up here too I think mumsnet-
Doing more at home doesnt mean = doormat that has no life.

Having resentment doesnt mean I have no life. I go out , do relaxy things, work long hours.

Going away for weekend - yes nice, but not always what want to do and doesnt fix it.. want to be able to swan in and out of the house like a hotel too!

Just want him to see things as his responsibility too and be proactive. ships in the night.

btw the migraine thing - that wasnt v clear , it was to take care of preschooler.

The short answer to your title is make his life change. Don’t let him assume you are always the default parent, don’t assume his needs come first and make him do some of the drudgery

He needs to add value and not just swan in and out at will. Personally l would join a gym or evening class, then he has to be home for set times and actually parent. Plus some girls weekends away

The lightbulb moment for me was when I understood that when dh arranged to do something without ds, he had also decided what I would be doing - I'd be looking after ds, because somebody had to. Treating me as the default 24/7 person who would always be there, whereas his involvement was optional and time limited. That helped me understand why I found it so frankly humiliating and upsetting when he was doing completely normal things that he'd always done.

This is so true! It's pretty obvious but until you see it written down like this you are not thinking about it in those terms! The only solution is to have good reasons to go away yourself on a regular basis, eg work trips and family visits. And for every time he does it, make sure you book your own trip the next week. Good luck with it op

I'm still seething after lockdown as all the grunt work has been left to me to sort out. My dh and teens just don't do it. My dh will do certain tasks if it involves food or driving but seems to be able to compartmentalise tasks to the degree that if it doesn't fit in to either of those categories, he will just ignore it. For example, I don't know how, but a bottle of conditioner got knocked over the side of the bath and had dripped all day while we were out. So I came back to a big pool of the stuff on the bathroom floor to sort out. My dh had come home before me, had a shower, and got dressed and had just stepped over it and was sitting watching the news when I came in!

@Tista l assumed the migraine was for care of a child. Do you could lie in a silent darkened room -that’s what l do when l have a migraine

@Dillydollydingdong

So he works full time long hours, and you work part time? Tbh, that does give you more time than he has, to get all this admin stuff done. What good would it do if you have a migraine and he stays at home? Personally I'd rather he took himself off out of the way, and let me suffer in peace. And as for organizing holidays etc. it's usually the wife's job. You get to choose where to go, how much is in the budget, what activities etc. And as for these weekends away, can't you go too? Or go with your own family or friends and leave him at home with the DC for the weekend.

Gosh yes when I have a migraine there’s nothing I wish more than my dh to swan off as usual and I’ll just relax while wrangling the dc into clothes /uniform, Breakfast teeth bags and out the door. I mean, id be vomiting all over the place by then and unable to see properly but infinitely more relaxing than having my dh take over… exactly how useless is your dh that you would say this??? If he left me in that state I’d divorce him.

Op, great advice above on paying the way out a bit so he sees the cost of it. I would also have one evening a week I have something on, and he has to get home and take over before dinner. And you just leave the mess children everything. You will need to communicate dinner gets cleaned up, dirty clothes go in the wash, clean ones folded etc. and if he protests you say so when you go out, I can leave you all the chores because you’ve skipped out of contributing to dinner bath bed?
Remember that single men eat, shop and clean on top of work, so can your dh. And he chose to have children too so should spend time with them.

Re the holidays I did all of these and my dh was unbearably shit. After years of asking him to help and several straws that broke the camels back, i said he wasn’t going on any holidays I planned anymore. If he didn’t plan any, I would but he was not coming. If he did a half assed job of planning them then I would reserve the right to cancel it up to and including while waiting for the taxi to the airport, I certainly wasn’t going to find hed booked flights and I had to do everything else. It helped our next two trips were to his mates wedding and with his parents so he had skin in the game, but I was done.

@NorthSouthcatlady yes it’s thing about being default parent.
Again tho Mumsnet folk please don’t assume because lots of us are having these issues means we don’t have time for ourselves- I do - regular yoga class , go out , etc)

What good would it do if you have a migraine and he stays at home?

Presumably he can look after his children while she tries to rest?

OP,

Great wisdom and observations above.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
I mean ANYTHING.

Then have a long hard look at your relationship.

Someone using his home as a hotel and out more than he is in, is a man who has opted out of his marriage and family life.

He certainly is not a man who is in love with you any longer.

I don't mean to hurt you, but this is the reality.

He likes you, but you are not essential to his happiness.

You need to be looking at what you want from your life and making your plans, but being realistic doing it.

My friends younger sister was in a similar situation as you a couple of years ago, but it was golf that was his priority.

He would have thought he was a happily married man with 4 children, good career and a marvellous swing🙄.

Life was good until it got back to him that his wife had had the house valued and he was asked were they moving to.

By this time she was long done and had her ducks in a row.

Two years on, they are still together but he plays 10% of what he did and HE is still working on her staying together.

My friend doesn't believe they will survive, as her sister is largely ambivalent about him now, but is going to see the children all into secondary school.

Too much bad feeling.

Protect yourself.

@timeisnotaline Brilliant tips too. I am leaving for yoga an hour early ( class times changed !)

Being fair he is brilliant at doing the fun things with kids and bits I hate , just misses the boring bits . When I tip the toy boxes over tonight before I go he won’t !

Brave re holiday - tho on back of last row, We re apparently going away at half term. Which is next week 😂 so that’s not happening eh!

I’m inspired thanks everyone- going to think of lots little “ wins” to change his life as someone here said

You don’t stop resenting it. You force a change. You and your partner are equal and your time is equally important. no one with children has the right to swan about as they please… your partner is currently able to do this because you’re picking up his slack.

Get couples therapy and agree a way to move forward. You’re worth equal consideration.