how to stop resenting doing everything whilst his life never changed

[Tista]

Just that really! Its a bit of the usual stuff - doing most of the stuff at home, with child, organising holidays, social stuff- hes not organised us to do anything in about four years. I work part time. It feels like he is always at work (obviously not but do have to ask him to do pick ups ages in advance), and that he sorts his own stuff and nothing much has changed for him- I just feel bottom of the pile. If I have a migraine he wouldnt dream of working at home or cutting hours. It comes to a head when he goes away - he says its not much but in recent months has been 3 or 4 weekends with friends or family, and 2 nights away with work. (No its not an affair, I know where he is , we speak on video), It feels like he has the energy and motivation to do things for work and things for him/family - but I just want him to be a bit mroe proactively involved in our lives not just do what he wants and swan in and out like its a hotel. Ideas? I'm getting really sick of it and have tried to talk to him. It perks up a bit but not on the major things.

@PurpleOkapi. No amount of complaining about household chores will make a 40 hour/week job with the same salary magically appear out of thin air, and most of those doing the complaining don't seem at all interested in working full-time themselves to offset the financial hit they don't seem to be aware that they're demanding.

I can see this argument, although in my case I work part-time (3 days a week), have our DC for the other days and do around 15-20 hours overtime in evenings/weekends/while caring for DC for my own job, which involves quite a lot of responsibility. On top of that, I do all nursery runs, manage everything DC-related and do most stuff around the house. So I don't feel like I'm not pulling my weight, I'm also constantly exhausted and working in the middle of the night and I do feel a little resentful of DH's refusal to have the discussion about how he is furthering his career at the expense of mine. It's our own fault, though - like many people, we talked vaguely about changing careers and getting a better work-life balance pre-DC but have failed to translate that into action. And DH doesn't think it's an acceptable situation and is constantly apologising for being around so little but it's like a hamster wheel he can't get off. And he thinks everything would be easier for him and me if I just gave up my job, which I'm not willing to do.

And as for organizing holidays etc. it's usually the wife's job.

@Dillydollydingdong, may I have the 'The Wife's Job' handbook please?

@Beancounter1

The lightbulb moment for me was when I understood that when dh arranged to do something without ds, he had also decided what I would be doing - I'd be looking after ds, because somebody had to. Treating me as the default 24/7 person who would always be there, whereas his involvement was optional and time limited.

I don't think that's fair, unless you're so destitute that paid child care is simply not an option. He's decided what he's going to do during that block of time. Whether you'd rather watch DS or make other arrangements remains up to you. The problem here is your assumption that no one other than you or DH can ever watch DS.

You are missing the point - why does she have to be the one to make arrangements for a babysitter?
Why does he get to just decide to go somewhere without any thought of the childcare, but if she also wants to go somewhere she has to think about checking with him or getting a babysitter?
The point is that he should ALWAYS either think about a babysitter or ask the woman if it is convenient for him to go out. Just like she has to.

Because she's the one who decided to do something else after he'd already told her that he wouldn't be available for childcare at that time. If it was the other way around, and she told him that she was going out with friends and he later decided that he wanted to play football or something at that same time, the responsibility to arrange childcare would be on him. I don't think either person "has" to ask the other's permission for this sort of thing in advance.

I feel for you I really do, I had this for just under 2 years, before we had to move out due to housing problems and that was the beginning of the end. Plus I had an abusive exP, so that made it worse.
When a child was suggested he talked a good talk but that was it. He never had any intention of following through and helping or at least temporarily whilst I was full time mum, to provide a home etc for us. Nor to support me with going back to work, but didn't want to be the main provider either. His family in his home country had always been and will always be his priority, which is disgusting but it is how it is. He had a big social life, and most of that continued after DC came along, just expecting to come home whenever after work and pop in and out at weekends thinking I was some sort of full time child minder. Some might think what is the difference to separating and doing it all anyway, there is a lot of difference, I didn't need to live with that, I had a child to concentrate on, he just weighed me down. We had to sit through every evening and weekend at home with him on the phone to various relatives, and would abuse his way through things so that he got his way anyway. At least now yes I do the bulk, but it's my home my rules. And I don't have to suffer all the other crap. Plus exP now does weekends, so I've got some time and life back, whilst it's all going okay.

Your situation doesn't sound as bad as mine, not that anyone should ever have to make do or feel greatful.
I would give it one more go and have a proper discussion and explain that this time it will be the end if something isn't organised properly and a fair share is done between you.