Page 2 | how to stop resenting doing everything whilst his life never changed

Tista · 2021-10-07T11:26:23+00:00

Just that really! Its a bit of the usual stuff - doing most of the stuff at home, with child, organising holidays, social stuff- hes not organised us to do anything in about four years. I work part time. It feels like he is always at work (obviously not but do have to ask him to do pick ups ages in advance), and that he sorts his own stuff and nothing much has changed for him- I just feel bottom of the pile. If I have a migraine he wouldnt dream of working at home or cutting hours. It comes to a head when he goes away - he says its not much but in recent months has been 3 or 4 weekends with friends or family, and 2 nights away with work. (No its not an affair, I know where he is , we speak on video), It feels like he has the energy and motivation to do things for work and things for him/family - but I just want him to be a bit mroe proactively involved in our lives not just do what he wants and swan in and out like its a hotel. Ideas? I'm getting really sick of it and have tried to talk to him. It perks up a bit but not on the major things.

Original poster

Tista · 07/10/2021 14:16

Oh I do love a good Mumsnet post that disintegrates into you must leave NOW! With capitals.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 07/10/2021 14:28

I love on MN the way after spelling out clearly how selfish and absent a husband is that OP's invariably come back and say their absent husband is actually fantastic.

It's some feat to be a fantastic father if you are absent and using the family home as a hotel!
Not to mind leaving your wife with a migraine to care for your children.🙄

The most important thing you can do for yourself, to help improve your life, and situation, is to be honest about it.

He certainly doesn't read as a good father, despite your ascertain that he is.

I suppose that definition is very personal and really depends on what you learned growing up and then decided yourself to accept.
🤷‍♀️

Best of luck.

Original poster

Tista · 07/10/2021 15:03

@billy1966 please just leave me alone. I’m so sorry I’ve not done or said as you would like. . At no point did I say “ he’s out more than in” - it must be difficult to be so right all of the time that you don’t need to read, listen and put your view on everyone . I hope your partner is 150 % made of diamonds and you never run into relationship issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tista · 07/10/2021 15:03

Right everyone else who was kind enough to help thank you

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 07/10/2021 15:21

I remember after our first baby dh would say I’ve got x on Thursday night, and I’d say ‘and?’ The first couple of times he looked blank, and I’d have to fill in ‘and, would it be ok with you my darling wife if you parent solo that night?’ I might not have been able to leave baby myself at that age but he also didn’t sleep so two pairs of hands rather than one made a big difference in the evening.

NowEvenBetter · 07/10/2021 17:09

So rude, OP. Use that on your boyfriend/husband/whatever he is.

Regularsizedrudy · 07/10/2021 17:55

“ - I allocate him jobs at the weekend and I refuse to go out as a family until they're all done.”

And you can bring yourself to have sex with someone so utterly infantilised?!

Goldbar · 07/10/2021 18:37

@Regularsizedrudy. It's really a result of our circumstances. It's not perfect by a long shot, but my DH is home so little that often he doesn't know what needs doing. It's hard to make someone be an equal partner when actually they're out of the house or away for work Mon-Fri and you're never awake when they're home, and they're exhausted the whole time. Often, we'll only see each other in passing for a few minutes during the week and that's it. And he won't see our DC at all. I joke not a joke that he might as well take a sleeping-bag and sleep under his desk.

Like I said, I have huge resentment about how much time and effort his job takes up. I've been tolerant so far but if it continues for much longer, we're going to be in real trouble. We've survived this long because I buy in help to make my life easier and he generally does his best at weekends. But it is like living with a zombie sometimes.

Kdubs1981 · 07/10/2021 19:25

@Dillydollydingdong

So he works full time long hours, and you work part time? Tbh, that does give you more time than he has, to get all this admin stuff done. What good would it do if you have a migraine and he stays at home? Personally I'd rather he took himself off out of the way, and let me suffer in peace. And as for organizing holidays etc. it's usually the wife's job. You get to choose where to go, how much is in the budget, what activities etc. And as for these weekends away, can't you go too? Or go with your own family or friends and leave him at home with the DC for the weekend.

It's usually the wife's job?!!!

Goldbar · 07/10/2021 19:28

@Kdubs1981. Did you not have that in your marriage vows ?

"To love and to hold and to organise holidays for from this day forth..."

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/10/2021 19:32

@Goldbar So your DC don't have a father?

Don't get me wrong, my dad's a useless abusive bastard. So I know it's survivable.

Kdubs1981 · 07/10/2021 19:34

[quote Goldbar]@Kdubs1981. Did you not have that in your marriage vows ?

"To love and to hold and to organise holidays for from this day forth..."[/quote]
Must have missed that bit. Along with "though must buy all thine husband's family's gifts on his behalf"

Kdubs1981 · 07/10/2021 19:34

Thou even!

Goldbar · 07/10/2021 19:52

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation. I wouldn't say that. They have a father, but one who prioritises work and earning over family relationships (but justifies it as being to provide for DC). It's not the same as being a single parent and having all the responsibility of providing for and caring for DC. Our issues are different. DH is not abusive or indeed unpleasant to have around in the very least, and he can be quite helpful. Our DC adores him and DH is very good with them for the limited time they have together. And DH and I have a lot in common and I like having his company.

But... he is only really physically present in our lives at the weekend and even then he's not really emotionally present a lot of the time since he's either working or stressed about or worn out by work. And he is chronically sleep-deprived.

RantyAunty · 07/10/2021 20:19

I'm curious as to what all these jobs are that only men seem to do that have such long hours?

Goldbar · 07/10/2021 20:34

@RantyAunty. In my DH's case, it's legal/financial services. Plenty of women working in the sector but many drop out before getting to senior positions due to the terrible work-life balance. If you're involved in transactional work with tight deadlines, you're expected to work 24/7 if you have to in order to get it done.

Dillydollydingdong · 07/10/2021 22:55

kdubs yes it's usually the wife's job because if she didn't do it, no one would ever go on holiday. And tbh, it's an enjoyable job, browsing the brochures or online. I do it. My ddil does it. There are worse jobs - taking the bins out, digging the garden, building flat pack furniture...

toomuchlaundry · 07/10/2021 23:06

@Dillydollydingdong do you live in the 1950S. I assume you brought your DS up with the notion that booking holidays was nothing to do with him

PurpleOkapi · 07/10/2021 23:36

@PermanentTemporary

The lightbulb moment for me was when I understood that when dh arranged to do something without ds, he had also decided what I would be doing - I'd be looking after ds, because somebody had to. Treating me as the default 24/7 person who would always be there, whereas his involvement was optional and time limited. That helped me understand why I found it so frankly humiliating and upsetting when he was doing completely normal things that he'd always done.

How's your sex life? I find men are mystified when their sex lives tank after a few years of this.

I don't think that's fair, unless you're so destitute that paid child care is simply not an option. He's decided what he's going to do during that block of time. Whether you'd rather watch DS or make other arrangements remains up to you. The problem here is your assumption that no one other than you or DH can ever watch DS.

Dillydollydingdong · 07/10/2021 23:41

laundry - Holidays were never discussed when my DS was a child. We couldn't afford them. Maybe that's why I enjoy booking them myself

PurpleOkapi · 07/10/2021 23:41

[quote Goldbar]@RantyAunty. In my DH's case, it's legal/financial services. Plenty of women working in the sector but many drop out before getting to senior positions due to the terrible work-life balance. If you're involved in transactional work with tight deadlines, you're expected to work 24/7 if you have to in order to get it done.[/quote]
This is true. I'm a woman who has that type of job. My husband wishes I were home more, but (unlike many posters on MN) is enough of an adult to recognize that me working those hours is what allows him to stay home and not worry about money. No amount of complaining about household chores will make a 40 hour/week job with the same salary magically appear out of thin air, and most of those doing the complaining don't seem at all interested in working full-time themselves to offset the financial hit they don't seem to be aware that they're demanding.

Anordinarymum · 07/10/2021 23:44

I think what is key here is that nothing will change unless you change it.

Start putting your needs above his

Beancounter1 · 08/10/2021 00:02

The lightbulb moment for me was when I understood that when dh arranged to do something without ds, he had also decided what I would be doing - I'd be looking after ds, because somebody had to. Treating me as the default 24/7 person who would always be there, whereas his involvement was optional and time limited.

I don't think that's fair, unless you're so destitute that paid child care is simply not an option. He's decided what he's going to do during that block of time. Whether you'd rather watch DS or make other arrangements remains up to you. The problem here is your assumption that no one other than you or DH can ever watch DS.

You are missing the point - why does she have to be the one to make arrangements for a babysitter?
Why does he get to just decide to go somewhere without any thought of the childcare, but if she also wants to go somewhere she has to think about checking with him or getting a babysitter?
The point is that he should ALWAYS either think about a babysitter or ask the woman if it is convenient for him to go out. Just like she has to.

timeisnotaline · 08/10/2021 01:02

I don't think that's fair, unless you're so destitute that paid child care is simply not an option. He's decided what he's going to do during that block of time. Whether you'd rather watch DS or make other arrangements remains up to you. The problem here is your assumption that no one other than you or DH can ever watch DS
More than missing the point! Who has childcare at 6:30 on a weekend morning when the dc wake up and your partner is away/ golfing/ out for a run/ hungover? Who regularly has evening childcare? Very few people regularly pay for flexible ad hoc out of standard working hours childcare, it’s expensive. The reality is that if one parent goes out nearly all the time the other parent is on deck. And that should be a fair arrangement. Totally ridiculous to say just because he’s out doesn’t mean you can’t choose what to do with your time just as much as he has, you just have to find and book childcare, pay money you might not have for it , and bobs your uncle. Once you’ve written the details of what your child needs if young like the ops, explained their schedule, shown them where everything is of course. Even if that’s feasible, why is any of it the wife’s problem?
My dh called just now to say hed forgotten he’s working tomorrow (Saturday so he doesn’t usually) he offered to check with his mum if that’s not convenient for me, recognising that having forgotten to make plans with me puts the onus on him. (He’s working, I said it’s fine before people jump on me at taking no care for my own dc. I’m pregnant and tired and work is very busy, late nights every night so it’s not the best news)

Graphista · 08/10/2021 01:04

I NEVER understand why people - usually women - put up with crap like this!

My ex tried it on occasion when we were very first married and I nipped it right in the bud! Why wouldn't you?

There was one almighty row when I had just gone back to work full time - more hours than him - after I had moved approx 200 miles to be with him (he was army) after we married. Fair enough while I was job hunting I did the bulk of the chores and admin but NOT when I was working more bloody hours than him and commuting!

Ditto when we had dd if he'd not pulled his weight I'd have had words with him, luckily he didn't dream of doing so as was a very involved dad and partner while we were still together.

Far as I can tell he's the same with wife 2 and I can't see her letting him away with this kind of behaviour either. It would be insane seeing as they've 6 of their own now! She'd be knackered!

I see these posts a lot on MN....they way to stop it is just to stop doing it all.

I agree! Give em a taste of their own medicine!

Men frequently underestimate the value of caring and domestic work until it hits them in the pocket

Have to say I agree with this too

You say you've already tried talking to him op - how assertively? I find you have to use words of one syllable and a "headteacher" authoritarian but not too emotional voice.

Be very clear, concise and definite

Say EXACTLY what you expect him to change not vague "I need you to help more"

I know it's frowned on here on mn but I must admit sitting down with ex and listing all the chores and then dividing them up between us did help, we negotiated so that pretty much neither of us was having to do the ones we hated (for me bins and mopping floors, for him dusting he found it too "fiddly") so we worked around our preferences BUT still had a fair division of Labour after this discussions

We took it in turns to cook and whoever cooked the other washed up BUT with the understanding the cook didn't take the piss and use every pan and utensil for a meal for 2!

I agree you have to make HIS life uncomfortable for him to get it!

What sparked our big row was I hadn't washed his festering rugby kit that he'd not even taken out the gym bag! So the following week when he needed it for practice it was smelly and damp!

I've mentioned it a number of times on mn, he even called his mum to try and get her on side and then both his parents laid into him for being a lazy entitled little shit! loved my in laws!

It wasn't how he was raised but he was trying it on!

The following links can sometimes help illustrate such discussions :

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink bb_9055288/amp

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU

https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-8

Or at least give you a little wry smile