Desperately low and feeling so old

[Thanksfirthat]

I’m really low. 35, 36 next July. I’ve always wanted a family but have made mistakes, not taken some relationships seriously when I should have, have ended up in some terrible ones. Focused far too much on my career.

I’m desperately lonely. I’ve got great friends but it doesn’t replace that empty scary feeling.

I don’t want a family alone. I want to try and find peace with the hopelessness, accept that that isn’t a life I can have. I was attractive once, I still get dates and interest but I don’t look how I once did. Im visibly older. My hope for these things has gone and im finding it hard to see purpose in anything. Im indifferent to my job. I struggle to share others’ happiness which is unlike me. I used to be such a big supporter of others. Im just desperately sad and feel annoyed at the fact I let good people go and that now im older and it’s hard and feels hopeless.

I just want to feel content but I don’t because I feel everything is now out of reach and if it isn’t, there’s this enormous pressure to get it. My life isn’t enjoyable, I spend nearly every moment trying to cope with the things I don’t have, and to deal with the awful loneliness in the sense of no relationship.

Im just so sad. In therapy, two therapists actually. It helps a little, but im still alone and facing a future I never wanted. Any advice? Anyone been here?

I’ve felt like this for 3 years and regularly been told ‘things change!’ Or ‘you never know what’s round the corner!’

Nothing has changed

I’m so sorry

Would you never consider a child alone?

Sorry op it sounds like you're really struggling.

You said you don't want a family alone. Do you know what you do want?

You’re so young - I feel the same, but am 45. When I say my age out loud I check myself as in my head I’m 33 max. I have a child which I’m so grateful for but believe me, you’re better off at your (young) age and childless (so far) rather than struggling with those feelings and having a child to look after.

I look back to when I was 36 and newly single (out of a nasty abusive relationship). I felt ‘past it’ (certainly didn’t look it though!) and I’m quite sure you don’t.

Take it from an ‘older’ woman- you ARE so young, still plenty of time ahead of you and things will get better. Without being full of myself, I do still get interest and am sure I look quite a lot younger than my age makes me sound. I’m clinging to the hope that things will change for me too, but being single has always quite suited me. And nothing is worse than being in a below par relationship.

It’s also good that you’re having therapy - I wish I could afford it.. I wish you all the best with it

l read recently that our two main fears in life are, not getting what we want, and losing what we have.
Tony Robins does an excellent talk on YouTube on how the causes of our unhappiness is down to our own personal blueprint we have created in our minds, when life doesn't go according to our blueprint that's when depression and despair can set in. I think he said acceptance of the situation, changing the situation or changing the blue print in your head was the way out.
I had to learn these things for myself as l was suddenly widowed at a young age, two young sons, no money, no support and lived in a black hole of fear and despair.
I personally don't think this is it for you in regards to not having a family of your own. I think you are fearful of running out of time, which again is just a thought and not a fact.
Sometimes even when we do get what we want it doesn't guarantee happiness or fulfilment, those empty feelings can still exist.
How many women your age are looking at you feeling suffocated or trapped wishing they still had their freedom and independence, the opportunities you have, or they had made different choices ?
I would make a list of everything you are grateful for in your life right now and practice it everyday as greatfulness is the antidote to anxiety. It will calm your thoughts and give you a different perspective.
Life is like a kaleidoscope, sometimes we have to adjust the lens.

I think like a pp says, the route to contentment is aligning your hopes according to your circumstances.

If you're career focused, you likely believe that with hard work everything is possible. You set a goal, work towards it and voila - it's achieved. However, life isn't that way.

Relationships are about luck as much as timing. You can't just work hard - sure you can go on dates and put yourself out there, but you can't just manifest it. So you need to build new goals that are in your gift to achieve - that will give you a new zest for life, get you out of your funk and actually attract men. It's a self fulfilling prophecy that the more down and hopeless you feel about not meeting anyone, you're less likely to as you'll give of an unpleasant, negative energy no one wants to engage with.

So what could you focus on? Taking up a sport/hobby or a career change or a big move - something that takes up time and has tangible benefits and a sense of achievement.

35/36 is still young enough to meet someone and have a family. I'm similar age and certainly feel that way as i don't have a family yet, and met my bf in mid 30s. After my divorce I too felt that maybe I'd missed the boat but threw myself into marathon training and new hobbies, started a new job - and found myself really fulfilled. So when I was dating, I was really enthused about discussing all my new adventures and that made a lot of men want to ask me out. It's how I then met my bf, he said it was so nice to meet a woman who wasn't treating him like an interview or completely jaded, and he loved that I just seemed very happy doing my own thing. He had no idea that I was recently divorced and the last week had a wobble about whether I was too old to meet anyone decent after a few crap dates. Not because I hid it but because it was just a wobble, I recognised it as such, allowed myself a wallow for a day and then distracted myself with other pursuits that perked me up again.

My advice, don't catastrophise the worries and fears. Feel them but find a way to turn replace them with other activities.

"36 next July". You've only just turned 35, but in your head, it's already another nine months later. The glass isn't just half empty; as you see things, the water in it isn't really there either as it's about to evaporate. Are you on ADs?

My username kind of gives it away but like you I’m wanting more. I have a child and an abusive ex who has no contact, it’s incredibly difficult. I have my own house and amazing boyfriend so should be happy…but am I happy no, because I want all the bad stuff not to have happened, I want what others have. For some reason the bad always outweighs the good no matter what.

It’s something I work on everyday calming that part of me down that wants. Nothing good I have will be worth it if I continue to dwell on what I don’t have and I have many good things to be happy about. When you get that thing you want you just then start on wanting something else.

There’s no such thing as too much focus on your career. You are seeing things in a very bleak way which is a sign of depression . Please see your GP - meds can help a lot. Even if you meet the perfect man tomorrow, you are not in a good place to have a good healthy relationship.

Why wouldn't you consider solo parenting?
Is it because you have a specific 'life script' that you feel is the only way to have a family? You are secure in your job/finances ...is your family supportive in general/and nearby?

I have done just don't that: was divorced aged 36 and started dating about 6 months later. Many failed dates/situationships followed/ including a relationship/situationship with someone for 2 years - we were at the wrong stage of our lives so it had to end ultimately. Aged 38 I embarked on insemination techniques: IUI with a sperm donor failed (2020), Feb this year IVF aged 39 with a sperm donor worked and I'm now 30 weeks pregnant. And very very lucky that it has worked the first time too (I was also diagnosed with a blocked fallopian tube, unbeknownst to me before I'd had my fertility checks in 2020). I do own my flat (mortgaged) and have a reasonably well paid job however I have very little practical support. That didn't stop me though as I really didn't want to sit in my flat in 5-10 years time feeling regretful that I'd never tried. You never know what your fertility is like until you start trying - whether or not a viable pregnancy will happen ..or sadly not. I wanted to have the agency to at leat try (and not let the lack of a partner put me off). I'm still sad on occasion that I haven't 'done' it the conventional way but equally glad I'm out of the desperate chasing men for a relationship baby stage for good. Of course we all deserve love/care/affection but as another poster above put it, relationships are timing and luck. Not a formula based pursuit. You can meet a suitable partner at any point, but biology doesn't care unfortunately.

Think carefully how you want to spend the rest of your 30s; chasing men/relationships or owning your happiness. Good luck with whatever you decide!

I wouldn't deliberately have a child alone either and I say this as a single parent . It's good that you have the career side of things sorted , so I would advice you to do OLD . Sign up for as many sites as you can especially free ones, go on dates even if you don't feel like it , be open minded and a little flexible. I am not saying go on a date with every and anyone .
If anything, going on dates will help with the loneliness .

Wow @anthurium taking ownership of your life sounds amazing. Instead of wanting and waiting. Now can hopefully relax and when happy a lovely person may come into your life and add to it not be the be all and end all. Very inspiring! I wish I could Chanel some of that!

Why is it we all want the same blue print of a life, good job, money, house, partner blah blah!

@lost202

I wouldn't deliberately have a child alone either and I say this as a single parent . It's good that you have the career side of things sorted , so I would advice you to do OLD . Sign up for as many sites as you can especially free ones, go on dates even if you don't feel like it , be open minded and a little flexible. I am not saying go on a date with every and anyone . If anything, going on dates will help with the loneliness .

Why would you advise Op not to have a child alone? Is it better to potentially miss out on motherhood, or worse settle for a sub standard partner due to panic?

I met my partner when I was 35 +2m old - and had DS when I was 37 +10m

Bloody hell woman you're 35!! After disastrous marriages I met now dh and had dc at 37 and 43!!
Woe is me attitude will bring you down!!

@Alwayswanting1

Wow *@anthurium* taking ownership of your life sounds amazing. Instead of wanting and waiting. Now can hopefully relax and when happy a lovely person may come into your life and add to it not be the be all and end all. Very inspiring! I wish I could Chanel some of that!

Why is it we all want the same blue print of a life, good job, money, house, partner blah blah!

@Alwayswanting1

Thank you

I was really really fed up with dating/OLD dating, feeling passive and frustrated.
I hated the fact I was in that position so could relate to the poster's loneliness/anxiety/sadness.

It took some time to reframe the 'script' and for me, that was the solution. Family, friends are important supporters and have helped me through my treatment challenges/pregnancy, I don't feel alone.

Just sharing solidarity as feel a similar way but really do also believe what other posters are saying about attitude shift. Also, it's so easy to look in at others and be envious...but just spend some time on the relationships thread and you'll see how frequently everything isn't as it seems.
Also, this is quite dark and possibly not really that helpful, but I think about all the terrible things that have happened to women recently and realise how grateful I am just to have my life and health at all (and I suffer with chronic illnesses, so am not even that healthy).

Sounds like you are mourning the loss of your plans for yourself and have not yet adjusted your expectations to reflect your situation. Hopefully therapy will be able to help you explore why it is so hard to let go of what you thought your life would be and accept what it is. And then plan for what you want.

I think that many of us have a false perception that everyone else is having a great life/time.
The truth is we are not aware of other peoples deamons/experiences and would probably be shocked if we knew them.
The truth is OP you only get one life, and you have to try and get yourself in the mindset that to a certain extent it is what you make it.
You have a lot going for you compared to many that post on these boards.
Perhaps in your current mood you need AD's, perhaps taking up some sort of exercise would help.
You can't dwell on the past, we learn by our mistakes and I'm sure you won't repeat them.
Chin up, and good luck, time is on your side and I'm sure you will look younger when your mood changes!

For all the poster who got their happy ending, and that's amazing, there are a lot of women who didn't sadly and are involuntary childless (they are found on Gateway Women - a network for childless woman/couples), feeling bereft and struggling with their grief. Just because someone got what they wanted at the 11th hour doesn't mean the next person will unfortunately.

OP specifically says I don’t want a family alone and others are saying that they feel the same way - not advising her against it, just sympathising.

@ravenmum

OP specifically says I don’t want a family alone and others are saying that they feel the same way - not advising her against it, just sympathising.

That's true. In that case, and if she's unwilling to reframe her thinking/'life scripts' she has a few choices - carry on dating/accept she may end up childless through circumstances/find positives and happiness in other areas of life.

Thanks. I just have lost all hope. I don’t know where to find it anymore. I feel exhausted and under pressure all the time. I hate where I live, so bored of it, I never expected to start here longer than a year or so and here I am five years later. I was waiting for the next place to share with someone.

No advice, but solidarity OP. I'm nearly 36, not long out of abusive marriage, and I feel very similar about my life. There doesn't seem to be an area of life where things are going well, and I struggle with the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, let alone make big changes that could potentially make things better. I also feel like I've visibly aged a lot in the past few years, and it feels like my chances of a family and a nice normal life get smaller all the time. What you said about not sharing others' happiness resonated too - these days I feel resentful/jealous more than I ever have before.

@irishoak I’m so sorry. The pain is hard to take isn’t it. I cry so often, just out of feeling lost mostly. I have nothing significant in my life. It’s not about not being independent, it’s about wanting something so fundamental and basic, just to share a loving relationship with someone. I feel sick and resentful most of the time. I don’t want to hear about anything anyone is celebrating. The idea of being married doesn’t even come into my head these days, I don’t have time for that for sure, so that dream is long gone, before a family anyway. And I’d be very lucky to have a family now too. I dread the future.