Desperately low and feeling so old

[Thanksfirthat]

I’m really low. 35, 36 next July. I’ve always wanted a family but have made mistakes, not taken some relationships seriously when I should have, have ended up in some terrible ones. Focused far too much on my career.

I’m desperately lonely. I’ve got great friends but it doesn’t replace that empty scary feeling.

I don’t want a family alone. I want to try and find peace with the hopelessness, accept that that isn’t a life I can have. I was attractive once, I still get dates and interest but I don’t look how I once did. Im visibly older. My hope for these things has gone and im finding it hard to see purpose in anything. Im indifferent to my job. I struggle to share others’ happiness which is unlike me. I used to be such a big supporter of others. Im just desperately sad and feel annoyed at the fact I let good people go and that now im older and it’s hard and feels hopeless.

I just want to feel content but I don’t because I feel everything is now out of reach and if it isn’t, there’s this enormous pressure to get it. My life isn’t enjoyable, I spend nearly every moment trying to cope with the things I don’t have, and to deal with the awful loneliness in the sense of no relationship.

Im just so sad. In therapy, two therapists actually. It helps a little, but im still alone and facing a future I never wanted. Any advice? Anyone been here?

@ravenmum

I'd be a bit uncomfortable about advising someone who seems very depressed to have a child on her own any time soon. There's no guarantee that having a baby would improve her mental state, and if she remained depressed, then alongside that, she'd be facing sleepless nights, the financial and other responsibilities of parenthood and the mixed feelings you experience when having to go back to work full-time with a small child. IVF is associated with hormonal mood swings, and depression if it fails. I do think there's an argument for putting together a schedule, as Porfre suggests, and part of that schedule could be OP trying to improve her mental health before lone parenthood or IVF come into question.

Op appears depressed that's true - but she is still being advised by many posters to continue dating...not too depressed for that it seems...

Some people are circumstantially depressed - so obtaining something concrete (usually something they are lacking) can be a catalyst in them changing their mood/state of being.

I would have certainly continued to be miserable/bordering on depressed had I continued to chase men for a relationship (my fear was running out of time). Once I took agency of my fear, attempted treatments and luckily got the outcome I'd hoped for, I feel normal - like any other pregnant woman would! It's true infertility can onset depression but that can happen if conventional conception isn't achieved. Sometimes changing perspective is what's needed rather than medication.

Dating

Going through IVF and then becoming a single mother

Yeah. Pretty much exactly the same things

not too depressed for that it seems...
OP doesn't seem to be capable of dating either ("Everything I think to do feels so hard and so pointless which means I don’t do anything. I can’t describe how low I feel really."). But dating when depressed would only affect OP and other adults, not a tiny baby.

@ravenmum

not too depressed for that it seems... OP doesn't seem to be capable of dating either ("Everything I think to do feels so hard and so pointless which means I don’t do anything. I can’t describe how low I feel really."). But dating when depressed would only affect OP and other adults, not a tiny baby.

She is being advised to continue dating by other posters...because getting a relationship/man will 'fix her'. Clearly what some posters think, not me.

I felt pointless too, in my relentless pursuit of a man...I really did ...having spent two lockdowns on my own and isolated.

Again, I'd made a plan, stopped wallowing in my perceived helplessness and did what I could (what gave me agency) not a guarantee. I could have spent wasted more years 'sorting my mental health out' and ruminating on stuff god knows what when really I just needed to do what I did.

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Dating

Going through IVF and then becoming a single mother

Yeah. Pretty much exactly the same things

Yeah, continue to date and have your mental health eroded...or take control/some degree of agency of your fertility ...

They aren't but it isn't me anymore or most of the other posters on here who didn't experience the dread of OLD/possible infertility... So keep dating Op it might just happen!

wallowing in my perceived helplessness
Depression isn't wallowing. It's a mental health condition you cannot simply pull yourself out of by changing your perspective. When you're depressed, you can't change your perspective. That's the whole problem. People often feel wrongly guilty and responsible for their state of mind, not fully understanding this themselves, so others telling you to snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for yourself can in fact make you feel worse.

It's great that you were well enough to go down the route you chose, and I agree that it's a great idea where it works, but it doesn't work for everyone, any more than dating.

This thread is making me think about perspective and how we frame things in our life.

Someone in could be in the exact same situation (single at 35 having focused on career) and have such a different outlook!

They could be enthusiastic about dating, living their best single life, travel freely, pursue hobbies, spend time with friends and family and proud of their achievements in their career. If they heard the clock ticking they could do some fertility tests to see how things are down there, and make a decision about single motherhood based on the outcome and doctors advice.

OP, I think you have correctly identified that this is a problem in your head. Sounds like your situation is positive tbh!

PearLime is on the right track here. Stand back from your life and view it differently for a moment. There are plenty of people swamped with the idealised version of the life you want wishing they were you! When you go to a dinner party that has set place names, which stranger do you hope to be placed next to? The smiling laidback one with an easy laugh and plenty of stories to tell or the depressed, desperate one that acts like life owes them everything and bitterness is starting to consume them? I would strongly recommend getting a strong sense of your own self value before dreaming your life away. The best way to do this is to use your talents to help others. Find a cause you believe in and help them. It will help you climb out of the navel-gazing rut you're in and make you a far more dynamic, interesting and worth knowing person! You have nothing to lose and an exciting new world to gain.

Op might not be depressed just sad that she isn’t where she wants to be in life. I am on antidepressants have been for ten years but they haven’t solved my problems and now I am too scared to stop taking them. I did have a good few years where I was happy but still didn’t meet someone, I have friends who are happy and active and are still single I think a lot of it is luck, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying, if nothing else just do the things you enjoy and make you feel better.

I am sorry you're feeling this way, I can understand you're looking back and feeling like you made wrong choices, and maybe you did, but now you need to change your perspective. You're young, yes 35-36 is young! You have many years in front of you to succeed and to create the life you want.