Desperately low and feeling so old

[Thanksfirthat]

I’m really low. 35, 36 next July. I’ve always wanted a family but have made mistakes, not taken some relationships seriously when I should have, have ended up in some terrible ones. Focused far too much on my career.

I’m desperately lonely. I’ve got great friends but it doesn’t replace that empty scary feeling.

I don’t want a family alone. I want to try and find peace with the hopelessness, accept that that isn’t a life I can have. I was attractive once, I still get dates and interest but I don’t look how I once did. Im visibly older. My hope for these things has gone and im finding it hard to see purpose in anything. Im indifferent to my job. I struggle to share others’ happiness which is unlike me. I used to be such a big supporter of others. Im just desperately sad and feel annoyed at the fact I let good people go and that now im older and it’s hard and feels hopeless.

I just want to feel content but I don’t because I feel everything is now out of reach and if it isn’t, there’s this enormous pressure to get it. My life isn’t enjoyable, I spend nearly every moment trying to cope with the things I don’t have, and to deal with the awful loneliness in the sense of no relationship.

Im just so sad. In therapy, two therapists actually. It helps a little, but im still alone and facing a future I never wanted. Any advice? Anyone been here?

Op, I am sorry you're feeling like this, and the previous poster too. I was there too, I remember the feeling very well. You absolutely can have an aspect of this 'fundamental' meaning on your own, you can certainly try, and as I've mentioned already, trying to conceive via a sperm donor is possible to achieve a family/meaning on your own however YOU are choosing not to pursue this route. YOU are making it conditional on having a partner. Nobody can guarantee whether the treatment would work but the same goes for trying to conceive via a conventional route. YOU are choosing to frame things in a particular way and as a result you are finding yourself feeling passive/resentful/bitter.

There is no timeline to getting married! You can get married at any age. YOU are choosing to make marriage and children a mutually exclusive 'package'.

As for other people, yes some have been very lucky to find their partners early on in life and everything fell in to place. But that's not me, or you. Does that mean we can't reconfigure some of these variables? It is about a shift in perspective but also action.

You're so YOUNG! Honestly, you are. You will get there, take small positive steps

Think about two things: something to look forward to and something to challenge you. Take action today towards at least one of them. It might be booking a musical with a friend (something to look forward to) and signing up to a fitness challenge (something to challenge you).

@anthurium I know what you mean but I have given up on marriage before a family. That’s what I ideally wanted. That can’t happen now.

Thanks for all the ideas and support. Everything I think to do feels so hard and so pointless which means I don’t do anything. I can’t describe how low I feel really.

35 is young, but it doesn’t matter to you right now because you don’t feel it. If you are bored, could you do something like go travelling to somewhere you haven’t been before? To see something completely different. I’d consider having a child of my own tbh, but if it’s not for you then it isn’t. A dog or a cat?

The trouble is if you continue to feel like this, it's more likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy as miserable people aren't attractive. Sorry to be blunt!

For one thing, forget the missed opportunities. If you had met the right person, you wouldn't have let them go and you're probably looking back with rose tinted spectacles.

Yes, you are not as young as you were, but you certainly not old. And even people far older than you can attract romantic partners, so that isn't relevant.

You sound depressed to me. Being depressed colours the way a person sees everything. To you, the lack of a man and a child is the worst possible situation to be in but the reality is, there are much worse situations and there are many people who would envy your freedom.

Sometimes changes in other areas of your life can change your mindset and lead to other opportunities. New job? New hobby? Move location? Holiday? More exercise? Start small if it is hard eg an exercise class, arrange a social event, book the theatre. It will make you feel a little bit better and going out opens up possibilities of new friends.

[quote Thanksfirthat]@anthurium I know what you mean but I have given up on marriage before a family. That’s what I ideally wanted. That can’t happen now.

Thanks for all the ideas and support. Everything I think to do feels so hard and so pointless which means I don’t do anything. I can’t describe how low I feel really.[/quote]
Personally I found that the only way of getting out of the vicious cycle of depression was medication. CBT is also supposed to have some effect, but I haven't tried that myself. What has your GP recommended?
www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/exploring-your-mental-health/depression/the-vicious-cycle-of-depression/
drcs.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/the-vicious-cycle-of-depression.pdf

In the same boat OP, except I am 38, always hoped for marriage and a family like so many of my friends but men just aren’t interested. I have tried OLD, new hobbies, meet up groups, therapy none of it has got me anywhere, I don’t even have a career I just seem to drift through life. My life is so empty and I feel like I have no future.

You are still awfully young. One thing I did try to teach my children was that you don't get everything you want in life- nobody does. In many cases the people who seem to have it all - very often don't. Life isn't fair. Im sorry you are having such a hard time, sadly this Pandemic has helped no one. Try to get out as much as you can. If you feel drab, dress yourself up a wee bit, a new lipstick or even a visit to a hairdresser or spa can help make you feel better. The suggestion someone made about joining a class or beginning a hobby is a good one.We all need to try and make the best with the cards we have been dealt in life. It's not easy I know, hope things look better for you soon.

Your still young! There is time!

Thanks for replies. @Onelifeonly I know what you mean and think it is true. I just can’t get myself out of it. I am trying so hard and nothing changes. Every time I’m online dating I do get matches but I feel hopeless as everyone seems so unfamiliar and just not someone I want to date.

@ravenmum thanks. My gp has regularly offered antidepressants. I just don’t want to take them. I’m not sure why.

@Gothichouse40 thanks. I have tried to be positive and get my hair done or just focus more on good things but I am so lonely. I see people all the time but I am lonely without a partner. I hate it.

I look back constantly on things that I got wrong with nice people in the past, maybe I deserve this now

Oh OP. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. I’ve been there.

I was exactly your age and single, had been so (apart from a few short term relationships some ok some dreadful) for a long long time. I met my now husband at almost exactly your age, we had our baby daughter last year. It took a long time to have her for sure, we started ttc about a year in and it took over 4 years - but that was due to some specific issues that would have been there even had I started ttc younger.

I know I heard those kind of stories when I was single and thought ‘well bully for you but that won’t happen for me so whatever’. I don’t mean to be annoying in sharing mine, but just to say that the things you are saying cannot possibly happen - eg marriage before children - simply aren’t true. It’s simply not the case that you’re out of time to have the things you want.

Unlike you I was fully prepared to go it alone, if anything meeting DH kind of delayed things as I’d already taken a few tentative steps on that journey and put it all on hold to see if things would work out with him. If anything having our daughter has made our relationship quite a lot shitter to be fair, it’s tested us to our limits and I sometimes worry if we’re going to make it. The other mums I know say similar when we are being really honest.

I have a friend turning 50 very soon, she did sadly run out of time to have the family she wanted, I’m not saying it’s guaranteed for everyone of course. But she does have an amazing partner now and is really truly happy with her life, which is rich and full and exciting to the point I’m often jealous. I don’t know how you get to a point where you’re ok with the possibility of not having a child of your own if that’s what you really want - I’m not sure how my friend did it but she did and she is very much at peace with it now.

Antidepressants are not the answer for everyone, but worth a try if you're stuck in that cycle - simply to break out of it. You don't have to take them forever if you don't want to, and they don't mean that you are drugged up to your eyeballs and half asleep, or anything like that - once you find the right type and dose, they should just leave you with a totally different mindset. I stopped taking them, and still sometimes suffer from depression, but can now identify the depressed thoughts a lot more easily, and so dismiss them better, thanks to the experience of not having those thoughts while on medication and honestly believing for the first time that they were not the objective truth. Don't take them if you are generally against medication or whatever, but otherwise, I'd at least recommend doing a bit of research or asking your GP for more details.

1. Sort out some antidepressant medication. It’s not a quick fix but it can help. You’re asking for answers, you have nothing to lose by trying it.

1. Take up some exercise seriously that you enjoy. Aim to get hot and sweaty at least 3-4 times a week.

1. Carry on with therapy.

And here’s the big one…

1. Give what you have

In order to get what you want, you have to GIVE what you have. It can be a gamble, you have to be aware of takers. But giving is totally different from simply participating in hobbies, OLD or whatever.

So… think of ways to give what you have… be it time, space, expertise, companionship.

It may bring you what you want, at worst it will definitely bring you unelected and delightful experiences.

If the opportunity comes up, make sure you’re giving those ‘I’m up for dating’ signals if that’s what you want.

Think about moving. Wherever you are, think about moving north most likely.

To add to my post above, one thing that might help (helped me) is looking up the 3 Principles or ‘inside out’ approach to mental health/ wellbeing. There’s a good coach on Facebook called Sarie Taylor as a place to start. Nothing to do with relationships particularly but really helps with realising our thoughts about what is true, possible/ not possible etc are just that - thoughts. And thoughts change/ come and go all the time, we don’t have to pay them much attention really and we definitely don’t have to believe them.

ads can help you to lift yourself up. you sound very depressed.
when you are depressed life becomes very hard and meeting a new partner very hard.
depression makes you look older, too.
you are very young.
wait a few years, if no partner, have a child of your own.

I actually think in your 30’s you are in your prime.

Many women don’t have children now well into their 40’s.

I think you need to be more proactive. You say you go on dates but they may not be someone you click with. Could you give them another chance? Sometimes feelings grow and you need to get to know someone more past a first date.

What about friends setting you up with someone? Do they know you don’t want to be single?

Even the ex’s that got away.. are they single now?

I think these are potentially the best years of your life. In 10 years time you will look back and wonder why you wasted your time feeling old at 35!

Think about moving. Wherever you are, think about moving north most likely. good advice.

@Hazelnutwhirl

In the same boat OP, except I am 38, always hoped for marriage and a family like so many of my friends but men just aren’t interested. I have tried OLD, new hobbies, meet up groups, therapy none of it has got me anywhere, I don’t even have a career I just seem to drift through life. My life is so empty and I feel like I have no future.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I will ask you the same question as I'd asked Op: in terms of children, have you considered solo parenting? I don't believe meet up groups or hobbies will plug the emotional hole, at best they are distractions at worst make you feel even more isolated, when you're in the depths of despair. Although, in the right circumstances hobbies and meet ups can be great additives.

@Imatwinmum

I actually think in your 30’s you are in your prime.

Many women don’t have children now well into their 40’s.

I think you need to be more proactive. You say you go on dates but they may not be someone you click with. Could you give them another chance? Sometimes feelings grow and you need to get to know someone more past a first date.

What about friends setting you up with someone? Do they know you don’t want to be single?

Even the ex’s that got away.. are they single now?

I think these are potentially the best years of your life. In 10 years time you will look back and wonder why you wasted your time feeling old at 35!

I wouldn't advise anyone to wait until they're well into their 40s to start a family. The risks of miscarriage, chromosomal abnormalities as well difficult births increases significantly (it is well evidenced and lots of information on the NHS). Each person's fertility is unique, so just because there are a handful of success stories there are many more of heartache/disappointment and grief. I certainty wasn't advised to wait a month longer by my fertility clinic aged 39 and my clinical picture was very good for someone in their late 30s. Just to bring some balance to the comment.

@anthurium When I said prime I mean I think you look great in your 30’s, I definitely feel I have a better sense of style and more confidence than my 20’s. Yes from a fertility perspective it can be more complicated as you get older in late 30’s and so on.

I wasn’t advising as such but just wanted to give the Op hope that there is definitely still time to meet someone, get married ( which may take a few years) and have a family.

OP I agree you sound depressed I say that as someone who has been through it a few times.
36 is really young.
If you think you look unattractive start with any small changes you can make.
I think we all grieve parts of our lives then we focus on something new.
Start a positives journal it really does help.
Surround yourself with positive people too.

Hi OP.

From what you've wrote you sound quite low at the moment.
This will colour your thinking. Everything will be painted negatively.

You aren't too old. It's been said multiple times on the thread.

I think the important thing right now is getting help for how you are thinking.

Once you feel better. I think you need to make a decision.

Is it more important for you to be in a relationship? That's something that can happen at any age.

Or do you also definitely want children too?

If you definitely want children. If you dont find someone to settle down with, would you regret not going it alone?
If yes. Give yourself an age at which if you havent found a partner you will start exploring options of having a child solo.

For me having a child would be non-negotiable and would have done this on my own if I hadnt had a relationship.

Op has categorically said she doesn't want to consider solo parenting - she seems reluctant to even have a fertility check to see what her current clinical picture is.

I think being told 'she's so young' by many posters on here isn't helpful - certainly not in terms of fertility - she isn't in her mid 20s. She could have issues already unbeknownst to her which may require often very expensive assisted reproduction.

As for getting married, that can be done at at any age. A lot women are unaware of the potential fertility issues that could arise in your 30s/mid 30s and onwards (statistically speaking) so like to believe be in denial that having children at any age is possible.

What is the cut off point? Impossible to say as each case is very individual. Hop on to infertility board and see some of the threads on there ...it makes for a sobering read. By leaving it longer it doesn't get easier unfortunately.

I'm someone who single handedly did IVF with a sperm donor (aged 39) and I've been so lucky that my treatment worked - IVF success rates are less than 30% and significantly decrease as the woman ages. It isn't not the panacea people seem to think it is.

Had I listened to some people, and their well meaning comments, I'd still be stuck on the dating mill, desperate to find a man, and probably too depressed to even attract one...not to say it can't happen, just that for me having а child was more important than having a partner (given the tight time frames). I'm glad I didn't miss out, I'm not sure how I'd cope with bitterness and regret (for essentially not having the balls to ditch the 'life script')

I'd be a bit uncomfortable about advising someone who seems very depressed to have a child on her own any time soon. There's no guarantee that having a baby would improve her mental state, and if she remained depressed, then alongside that, she'd be facing sleepless nights, the financial and other responsibilities of parenthood and the mixed feelings you experience when having to go back to work full-time with a small child.
IVF is associated with hormonal mood swings, and depression if it fails. I do think there's an argument for putting together a schedule, as Porfre suggests, and part of that schedule could be OP trying to improve her mental health before lone parenthood or IVF come into question.