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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend won't delete girls on social media

63 replies

lola1987 · 06/10/2021 19:57

Hi I'm new on here but desperate for some advice so please be kind!
I've been with my bf for 6 months but just noticed he had loads of women friends on his social media that he doesn't know, but are the sort of girls that are not the kind you'd feel comfortable with your boyfriend having on there. Eg. Big Boobs on display in underwear, bum out and very sexual pics on their profiles, even some with links to their 'only fans'. I confronted him and asked that he unfriended any girls that he doesn't actually know, and he admitted that he doesn't know them. However, he refuses to delete them saying he won't be dictated to and won't delete them as he's had them on there for years. I had noticed that sometimes he spends hours upon hours active on Facebook till the early hours of the morning and I think this is really suspicious behaviour and said I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who won't consider my feelings. Am I being paranoid or do I have a right to be upset and have I done the right thing finishing things?

OP posts:

SalsaLove · 06/10/2021 19:59

Get rid if you want a relationship with him. He’s being disrespectful to you.

seaandsandcastles · 06/10/2021 20:02

It sounds like you wouldn’t work out because you’re feeling insecure over it, so yeah, you’re doing the right thing by ending it.

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. It’s okay to look and find others attractive.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 06/10/2021 20:04

He’s right in that you can’t dictate who he is friends with and what he does on social media.
However, do you want to be with a man who clearly sees women as just sex objects? I think it shows a distinct lack of respect for women. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was into that kind of thing.

bigbaggyeyes · 06/10/2021 20:04

I'm in two minds in this one... firstly I'd not accept anyone telling me who I could, and couldn't have on social media. But I'd also expect someone to have enough respect for me to not want to follow these types of accounts on social media if they were in a relationship with me - I think anyone following onlyfans profiles are urghhh

It's fine to have friends of the opposite sex on sm, but if he doesn't know them and it's an onlyfans type profile, that gives me the ick straight away

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2021 20:04

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and dump this loser. You'll regret it if you stay with him.

ImInStealthMode · 06/10/2021 20:13

We can't say if you're being paranoid or not without knowing him, and you. Does he give you any other reason to be suspicious of his actions? Are you maybe carrying past experiences or insecurities into this new relationship?

To be honest I'd be pissed off if my DP started trying to dictate who I'm friends with or 'follow' on social media. I've never thought to check his accounts because I don't have any reason to.

GalaKC · 06/10/2021 20:26

You have only been with him for 6 months, if I were you I would get out fast. He is in the courting/ wooing you stage and he is already behaving like a pervert with zero respect for you, putting that type of thing above your feelings. You think it will get better? If he has already used the words You can't dictate me when you have expressed a perfectly valid concern, it's not looking good at all. I would have dumped him the very moment he uttered those words. In fact years ago I dumped someone for something similar as he was extremely disrespectful. Yes, you cannot dictate him to unfollow actual friends or innocent interests, but semi naked strangers? You have every right to demand way more respect than that. He is a manchild and gross and doesn't care about your feelings at all. Get out whilst there are no ties like a child and a house. Believe me, I had 3 years with someone like that and I ended up self harming because of how insecure he made me feel.I am sorry you are going through this😔⚘

Rainbowqueeen · 06/10/2021 20:30

I’d ditch him. He will never change and you deserve better

AhNowTed · 06/10/2021 20:33

On the one hand you can't dictate who he's actual friends with.

But these aren't friends. It's a catalogue of sexualised women, and I couldn't have an ounce of respect for a man who did this.

Original poster

lola1987 · 06/10/2021 20:39

@GalaKC

Thank you for your understanding. I would never make him delete genuine friends of his that were girls. I actually get along with a lot of his female friends. But the thing that's hurt the most is that he knew how upset it made me and still refused and it left me wondering why he'd prioritise them over me if he doesn't even know them. I'm now left wondering if he does communicate with them aswell as he would spend so long on Facebook when he's on his own. I only decided to look at his friends list as I could see it through my social media, and only did that as he gave me such a hard time about not trusting me, even though I've never given him reason to which rung alarm bells. He's also tried turning it onto me saying that people are laughing at me because I'm being so pathetic x

OP posts:

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 06/10/2021 20:47

He's also tried turning it onto me saying that people are laughing at me because I'm being so pathetic

This is not a good man. Move on. Don’t waste any more time even thinking about him.

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/10/2021 20:47

First post my response was a run. With the update it is run fast! He's a creepy, controlling, jealous, red flag flying wanker.

AgathaX · 06/10/2021 20:52

He's a knob. Get rid.

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/10/2021 20:53

he is....

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2021 21:00

No one is laughing at you. Ut I'd common for abusers to try and convince you 'everyone else thinks you are wrong/crazy/unfair' to question their (fucking shitty) behaviour.

Like who are these people, did the dickhead take a poll or something? Of course not. He is just mindfucking you.

The second anyone tried to tell you 'everyone everyone thinks you are wrong/crazy/overreacting' absurdly run for the door and bolt the bloody thing behind you because you are dealing with an abuser.

As to the online friend stuff, I wouldn't want to date a sleaze either. He has every right to keep those 'friends' but you also have every right to run for the hills from creeps like him.

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2021 21:00

*it is common

waterrat · 06/10/2021 21:08

God Op please set some boundaries for yourself and walk away. This man is a sleeze. It's thr equivalent of having a boyfriend who goes to bars and ogles women or chats them up. It's a porn addiction super unhealthy and has zero to do with friendships.

Please don't even engage with him about it . Just walk away.

I promise you 100 per cent that if you stay with him he will make you very miserable. This is a man who is a misogynist a porn addict and extremely shallow. He is also unkind and doesn't care about you or your feelings. Sorry to say it.

You deserve better

waterrat · 06/10/2021 21:09

God that is horrible about him saying people are laughing at you.

RUN !

RealMckoi · 06/10/2021 21:10

I’d definitely get rid of him. Sounds like a saddo.

TheFoundations · 06/10/2021 21:17

You absolutely and always have the right to be upset about anything you like. You can be upset about the fact that someone eats strawberry yoghurts if you want. You are always entitled to your feelings, and you must respect them, because your feelings are who you really are. Your judgment of your feelings is who you've been trained to be. Trust your feelings, they are more you.

But what you also have to do is take responsibility for your feelings. So this means that you are responsible for maintaining the boundaries that protect your feelings. You always do this by amending your own behaviour, never somebody else's. So, if you tell someone that you don't like to see people eat strawberry yoghurt, and they keep doing it regardless, you create distance between you and them. Depending on how much it upsets you, you might create that distance only whilst they're doing it, or you might find it so unsettling that you distance yourself altogether from the person.

But what you never say is 'Stop eating strawberry yoghurt.'

If you're paranoid in the face of his behaviour, that's part of who you are. Respect that, and find someone else, who doesn't make you feel paranoid.

Your feelings are the heart and soul of you. The real you. Don't reject her or minimise her importance. Give her free reign to only spend time with people who make her smile. That's self respect.

layladomino · 07/10/2021 13:57

Which 'people' does he think are laughing at you? Why? Does he mean that he's told people you want him to delete these women, and they think you're pathetic as a result?

He's lying of course. That's him saying you're pathetic, and he wants you to believe other peole think it to, so he can grind you down and get you to 'behave'.

Whilst he can choose who he's 'friends' with on SM, you can choose not to date a sleezebag loser who sexualises strange women and doesn't care how that makes his gf feel.

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 07/10/2021 14:12

He is a knob.

Objectifies women, dismisses your feelings and makes up crap about you.

Yes, leave him.

Shirl2022 · 06/05/2022 19:39

I just came about your post and was reading it
I've had a similar situation when I asked who these people were I got a reply saying he don't know ,I've been called I'm being silly also jealous and paranoid which I'm not I've also stated to him that my feelings don't count and that his social media and these women are more important to him than me
Don't know where to go from here .

Shirl2022 · 09/05/2022 20:51

Boyfriend won't unfriend certain people on social media
I asked who these people were I got a reply saying he don't know ,I've been called I'm being silly also jealous and paranoid which I'm not I've also stated to him that my feelings don't count and that his social media and these women are more important to him than me
Don't know where to go from here any advice please in what to do

5128gap · 09/05/2022 21:13

seaandsandcastles · 06/10/2021 20:02

It sounds like you wouldn’t work out because you’re feeling insecure over it, so yeah, you’re doing the right thing by ending it.

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. It’s okay to look and find others attractive.

Sounds like it won't work out because he's a sleaze. I'm glad the OP isn't so insecure that she thinks she has to put up with her partner leching over other women just to keep a man.

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