Boyfriend won't delete girls he doesn't know on social media

[lola1987]

Hi I'm new on here but desperate for some advice so please be kind!
I've been with my bf for 6 months but just noticed he had loads of women friends on his social media that he doesn't know, but are the sort of girls that are not the kind you'd feel comfortable with your boyfriend having on there. Eg. Big Boobs on display in underwear, bum out and very sexual pics on their profiles, even some with links to their 'only fans'. I confronted him and asked that he unfriended any girls that he doesn't actually know, and he admitted that he doesn't know them. However, he refuses to delete them saying he won't be dictated to and won't delete them as he's had them on there for years. I had noticed that sometimes he spends hours upon hours active on Facebook till the early hours of the morning and I think this is really suspicious behaviour and said I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who won't consider my feelings. Am I being paranoid or do I have a right to be upset and have I done the right thing finishing things?

Also notice how several women who say that their partners do the same thing but they are not happy about it.
It’s common for people to try and convince others to tolerate bad or sleazy behaviour just because it helps them accept that they do
It’s not about control , that’s a red herring . The only person you have control of in life is you . Choose wisely who you let into your close circle It’s about standards and the type of character you hope fo find in a partner.

If I told my husband he couldn’t follow any sexy women on Instagram, he would think I had lost my mind. But he doesn’t know any of them, and he doesn’t ‘like’ them. and I follow various beautiful men also and we exchange views on such images. I would have a far greater issue with girls he DID know who pose in their underwear. I don’t see stuff that is allowed on Instagram as violating woman’s position in society. They are showing off hard work on their bodies - good luck to them.

Only fans would be a huge no no for me though. Just seems too invested.

@LHReturns

If I told my husband he couldn’t follow any sexy women on Instagram, he would think I had lost my mind. But he doesn’t know any of them, and he doesn’t ‘like’ them. and I follow various beautiful men also and we exchange views on such images. I would have a far greater issue with girls he DID know who pose in their underwear. I don’t see stuff that is allowed on Instagram as violating woman’s position in society. They are showing off hard work on their bodies - good luck to them.

Only fans would be a huge no no for me though. Just seems too invested.

What does it matter if your husband thinks you’ve lost your mind? Do the men you follow pose in the same ways the women your husband follows, do they have their legs spread , look back over their shoulders showing their asses in g strings ? and how do each of you use the images Does your husband live in a society where his gender has been and still is predominately valued based on their looks ? No, he lives in a society where his personality age and life experience are valued at LEAST as much as his looks of not lore , because he is a man Lastly you claim they are all simply showing off ‘ hard work ‘ no actually many are just there because they are young and fit a type of look men and society deem as sexy and it has zero to do with hard work Attitudes like yours contribute to why women are still facing so much judgement based on looks and ageing.

LHreturns.

In your relationship you are both happy with that. Fine.

OP is not.

I absolutely hear what you are saying. He follows a few (maybe 4?) athlete models who pose in bikinis. Not porn / spread legs. But I still see your point.

I will show him a picture of a woman athlete who I think has a gorgeous body, and he may agree but largely we have differing views.

I guess the point here is they are athletes who look great. And I think it’s unfair to say they haven’t worked hard. Not model / porny / looking over shoulder stuff - I do think there is a difference.

My main point is that I would not feel comfortable hounding him about this sort of level of social media activity. I know how he treats women at work, his daughter, me, my friends and he is immaculate. He absolutely does not follow very young women either - he abhors that.

In which case she should leave him rather than try to control him. That doesn’t lead to happy times I don’t believe. I would hate my husband to try to control me in that way also. 100% equal standards.

I follow lots of men - again all sportsmen, not ‘I’m just a body’ men. I dunno - I just can’t get worked up over it. If it was 100s of women I may feel differently.

Sorry if I offended anyone here, really.

You didn't offend anyone I don't think.

I just always find the responses on anything like this which just say I don't mind etc. And that's all, no advice to OP, a bit odd.

My advice to her is to leave him (totally her right) and to not try to dictate his social media. I was just trying to give some context that’s all.

I also think in society generally there's a lot of normalising of all sorts of sex related male behaviour. A lot of women and girls get a constant message that this that is fine. Not so long ago it was not fine. Even back when Nudie calendars were commonly up in shops etc.

Having porn mags, videos. Going to see strippers, paying for sex. Was very much something that was generally seen as pretty sad and men who did it, didn't inform women of the fact let alone female partners. I mean the vast majority obv.

Now we have the BBC with pieces about how OnlyFans is vital to some as they make loads of money, universities giving Freshers leaflets about sex work and having packs for students in work. Which seem to revolve around not being 'shamed'. The major online porn sites are utterly grim and it's accepted that all men watch porn every single one...

The boundaries of women are girls are being eroded by all this. And like OP, women often come here saying. I don't like this but is it reasonable for me not to like this.

And that ludicrous show Naked Attraction - seriously what have we come to when that is entertainment. The way everything is so normalised and ‘here look at these genitals’ now is not progress, in my view.

I mean that's a general point!

I don't think it's controlling to not want partner ogling young scantily clad women online really. It's a fairly normal thing to not want partner leching over unavailable strangers. And most men would feel that about their partner as well.

I do think she needs to dump him. Because it's a reasonable boundary and he said no way.

@LHReturns

And that ludicrous show Naked Attraction - seriously what have we come to when that is entertainment. The way everything is so normalised and ‘here look at these genitals’ now is not progress, in my view.

Bizarrely I watched that once as was so wtf!

I didn't mind it nearly as much as I thought i would! I mean the concept is ridiculous and it depends on ohh look fannies and cocks!

But.. (this is not a recommendation by the way just my thoughts!).

Wide range of bodies and ages.
Many way more normal than those intended to be ogled.
They all seemed to have some kind of disability/ backstory that was interesting.
Not at all what I expected.

One thing it did do was surprise me that they were pretty much all waxed including the men..

Sadly, a lot of men are addicted to this kind of thing, and it's all freely available. You can't dictate to this seemingly immature person, what to watch. You can only decide if you wan't to be around someone like this or not. Lots of girls and women put themselves out on show on social media. and there will always be men watching them or participating with them.

@LHReturns

I absolutely hear what you are saying. He follows a few (maybe 4?) athlete models who pose in bikinis. Not porn / spread legs. But I still see your point.

I will show him a picture of a woman athlete who I think has a gorgeous body, and he may agree but largely we have differing views.

I guess the point here is they are athletes who look great. And I think it’s unfair to say they haven’t worked hard. Not model / porny / looking over shoulder stuff - I do think there is a difference.

My main point is that I would not feel comfortable hounding him about this sort of level of social media activity. I know how he treats women at work, his daughter, me, my friends and he is immaculate. He absolutely does not follow very young women either - he abhors that.

If your partner is following athletes and sports people I think that’s fine and entirely different to having a spank bank of ‘ instamodels ‘ I think regarding the issue re very young women yea , it’s extremely hard for men to tell what age girls are and very problematic that so many young ones are on those platform . It’s also worrisome that so many men follow porn sites or social media sites that have been caught with underage content on their platforms yet the men are more than happy to support this sites and help them grow . But ultimately it sounds like you are talking about something very very different to what OP is

@LHReturns

In which case she should leave him rather than try to control him. That doesn’t lead to happy times I don’t believe. I would hate my husband to try to control me in that way also. 100% equal standards.

I follow lots of men - again all sportsmen, not ‘I’m just a body’ men. I dunno - I just can’t get worked up over it. If it was 100s of women I may feel differently.

Sorry if I offended anyone here, really.

No you didn’t offend anyone I don’t think either but I think the double standard is coming from a very few here who seem to think She doesn’t have any right to control him and that she owes him to stay and put up with it It’s true you can’t change people but certainly she is well within her rights to leave someone who is behaving in a sleazy way

@LHReturns

And that ludicrous show Naked Attraction - seriously what have we come to when that is entertainment. The way everything is so normalised and ‘here look at these genitals’ now is not progress, in my view.

That show is so cringey and gross. Imagine standing around naked while some stranger judges your genitals on TV

It’s true you can’t change people but certainly she is well within her rights to leave someone who is behaving in a sleazy way

This would be it for me, if he wants to spend his free time checking out other barely dressed women online, go for it but she doesn't have to think it's OK and stay with him. We all have our own standards and expectations when it comes to relationships, you can chose not to be with a person for any reason you want

My main point is that I would not feel comfortable hounding him about this sort of level of social media activity. I know how he treats women at work, his daughter, me, my friends and he is immaculate. He absolutely does not follow very young women either - he abhors that.

I get your point all right, just can't fathom why you felt the urge to make it, @LHReturns. It's got fuck-all to do with OP's situation or her sleazy porn-hound b/f.

You don't find someone whose values and behaviours don't match yours and try and cajole, bully, manipulate them into changing.

You find someone whose values and behaviours are what you want, and love them.

You can bet that he has sent these women messages which is the online equivalent of trying to chat up other women in a club or a bar. He’s a sleaze.

You're not being paranoid, and you're not being controlling. Ignore the Cool Girls who are trying to convince you otherwise.

Your boyfriend was displaying sexist behaviour and you asked him to stop. That's very reasonable. He has even admitted that he is following pornstars who he doesn't know. These women wouldn't keep him on their socials for no reason, you say he spends hours on Facebook - I wouldn't be surprised if he is paying them for photos/videos.

No way would I stay with a man like this. Well done for listening to your gut and finishing it with him, he's a sexist pervert.

@Counterbottle

So for those who say he is being controlling by thinking this is sleazy and asking him to stop . He would also be controlling if he asked her not to send similar photos of herself to other men Right?

OP just because other women put up with this doesn’t mean you have to lower your standards and accept it
You cannot stop him or anyone doing what they want but you CAN control who you want to be in a relationship with

This. Why is it not cheating for a man to be in contact with pornstars and viewing their sexual photos, but it would be cheating for a woman to send a half-nude/fully-nude picture of herself to another man?

Cognitive dissonance due to society training women to accept male disrespect. And you're right, some women try to drag the rest of us down with them because they've decided to accept it themselves. Sorry, I'm not falling for it.

You did the right thing.

Yes he can choose to be 'friends' with anyone he likes. But if those 'friends' are women he doesn't know, not clothed, then that makes him an immature sleaze. And you have every right not to want to date an immature sleaze.

You are not being controlling OP. Most people in that situation would feel the exact same as you.
You have done the right thing ending it with him. he sounds pretty sleazy and obviously doesn't know what respect looks like.

And all those saying would you let your partner dictate who you were friends with on FB?

I can say that yes, under certain circumstances (such as this) I would be fine with that.

If I was 'friends' with someone who I didn't know and who made my partner feel uncomfortable, then absolutely I would remove the 'friend' from my social.

Its not about being dictated to. Its about being fucking respectful to your partner and their feelings.

These days there's loads of popularity with saying certain male behaviours are inevitable, normal. Any woman who doesn't like the thing is either going to have to accept it or never ever have a male partner.

On here you see it on threads like this. From women. I mean everyone has a different view. However many of those sorts of posters (not on this thread).

Essentially tell the woman that she is being ridiculous to not like it. Things that a couple decades ago were a totally standard normal known thing that obviously women didn't like.

There's often a side to it that's really nasty. You only don't like it cos you're jealous of the women / really prudish. All men do it anyway. Loads of women do it and love it! You don't sound like much fun.
And the strangest of all - 'You want to stop him wanking! That's absurd'. Weirdly forgetting that men can wank no problem without whatever it is.. Very strange idea about men that!