Red flags? Or am i being OTT.

[Username2022]

Hey all,

So I have been speaking to a guy through OLD. To begin with, we really hit it off so we exchanged numbers and had been texting daily, initiated by him. It's been about 2 months total. We are both mid/ late 20's, live local to each other, and actually have quite a few mutual contacts.

It is still very early days, so I'm choosing to take it slow but want to know if my instinct is off or if as per usual, I'm spot on.

At first glance, he seemed really genuine and easy to speak to. Through frequent communication, we realized we have many things in common and that we do really get along. He also compliments me very, very often and doesn't hide his attractions.

However recently, his responses to our conversations most days are extremely delayed. As in a couple to several hours between. He has mentioned that his job is strenuous and some days works until ridiculous hours of the evening/ morning. I understand, I am a workaholic also but my gut instinct is telling me otherwise.

An example before I continue. Yesterday our conversation was few and far between. Our last message was at 6 pm, where I had responded to his message and asked if he had finished work.

I awoke this morning to a message from him that read "I have now, have you?" - this was a message sent at 2 am. I eventually responded and asked if he was seriously asking me if I had finished work at 2 am when he knows I finish at 5 every day. He laughed it off and apologized saying that he had "fell asleep" straight from work and napped until 2 am which is when he messaged me, so his head was all over the place. Our last message was today at 12:30, he has been online since but hasn't responded.

I know I probably sound crazy but this has sort of put me off a bit because I think that's a blatant lie and I feel he is just trying to take me for a ride.

When we DO speak, he is again very talkative and expresses his attraction and desire to meet up. He is very keen to do so and I was up for it too but now I feel slightly disheartened.

Another concern of mine is that because he initiates flirty conversations so frequently and his constant mention of how he is so attracted to me etc makes me feel as though he is only looking for one thing. Sex.

When we both had spoken about what we wanted prior to moving to text, he said he was looking for a relationship and so did I however his actions don't paint him as someone who is looking for serious at all.

I have had some bad experiences, so I guess you could say although I feel ready to date, I definitely have some walls up. Please let me know if I should call it quits or if I'm in the wrong for being so hard here?

Thank you.

Umm, why haven't you met up...?

Why have you not met?

You're calling him a liar based on nothing. Do you think you're in the right place for a relationship?

@Misty9 & @CorrBlimeyGGCorrBlimeyGG To be completely honest initially that was because of me, I really didn't want to jump into something straight away so I guess we've spent that time getting to know each other.

We were supposed to have met up this past weekend, but this time he said something came up and we would have to re-schedule. This keeps happening.

I also do believe I'm in the right place for a relationship but just don't want/need to be burned again which is why I am so wary.

I think you being upset that he's taking a few hours to message back is a red flag.

@girlmom21 Can you elaborate? to me, it comes across as he is unserious because initially he was very intense with me then suddenly stopped so drastically. So forgive me for being cautious.

The delayed messaging is not a red flag.

The not meeting up suggests he’s married though.

girlmom makes a good point. You don't get to dictate how or when other people reply. Take care that your insecurities don't cause you to become controlling.

After two months and not wanting to even meet I would think that’s a red flag from you to be honest and would start to call it off as a waste of time.

@Rainbowheart1 Unsure where the confusion has come from on the meet-up, I said I was taking it slow yes but also said I had agreed to meet up with him. it was him that said something came up the last couple of times that we tried.

@CorrBlimeyGG I can assure you I wasn't trying to dictate to anyone. My previous relationship was extremely abusive, it has been a couple of years of me working on myself so I am bound to be cautious.
I just don't want to invest any more of my time into someone who gives off the impression that he doesn't want any more than sex.

If I had been messaging for two months but not actually met the person I would be cutting back the messages too, I would think I was being given the run around.

How many times has he avoided a meet up though because that one is a red flag. Have you cancelled any meet ups?

@Wnikat Thank you for this. Interesting to get so many other different perspectives as people closer to me have advised he just seems ungenuine.
He says he is single, but yes the last couple of times we tried to meet he said something came up - so for me, it rang alarm bells.

@AndTime I haven't dated in almost 3-4 years now so this is all new to me at the moment.

I thought 2months of speaking and getting to know each other was normal, apparently not. I think the first month went by and he mentioned doing something and that he would let me know when he is free.

We have tried maybe 3/4 times since then and it's either work or something comes up for him. I haven't cancelled, just haven't been as forward.

I think you’re over thinking this. You haven’t even met. If you’re this wary then I’d think you’re not ready.

[quote Username2022]@girlmom21 Can you elaborate? to me, it comes across as he is unserious because initially he was very intense with me then suddenly stopped so drastically. So forgive me for being cautious.[/quote]
He has a life outside of your virtual relationship. He probably over-committed initially and realised he was putting too much time into messaging.

He's got a job, friends, family that he must have been neglecting to be able to have such full on communication with you at the start, and I'd assume you were neglecting things in your life too.

You can't expect responses within a few hours. People have commitments aside from your conversations. To expect a response within a set timeframe is overbearing and, dare I say it, fairly controlling.

I think you've left it too long to meet (even last weekend) and the momentum is flagging. Texting a stranger endlessly gets boring.

He might keep engaging in the odd convo but this will probably fizzle further towards either chit chat or titillation. I think in future, remember that actions are more important than words, and if you want a real relationship, move the chat into a real life meeting at a reasonably early opportunity, especially if you live locally. If it doesn't work, just say a polite 'thanks but no thanks' to further meetings. Instead, you've got invested in something ephemeral and he's losing interest.

You're way too involved in someone who owes you nothing at this stage. He said he wanted a relationship etc. He quite possibly does, but he didn't promise that to you. Just move on.

He's avoiding meeting up for whatever reason. The slow to reply to message back is besides the point. I'd presume you're not the only person he's messaging regardless of his questionable marital status.

I'd try and meet within a week or 2 next time. There's no point 'getting to know someone' online for ages as you've no idea whether you actually get on in person. Just arrange something safe and practice how to be polite but firm in turning down further dates if you're not keen.

Doesn't really matter if or why hes being evasive, all that matters is that you've wasted your time and emotional energy getting to this point.

I can’t believe it’s been this long and you haven’t met. Absolutely bin him off

@girlmom21
Thank you - I do appreciate and respect hearing a different point of view.

I definitely do not intend on coming across as overbearing or controlling, that really isn't my personality at all. Maybe I worded it incorrectly, I don't want or expect him to respond to me instantly, I understand we all have our own lives.

I wanted to know if it was a red flag that when we DO speak, his focus is purely on meeting up with me and then suddenly no contact again.

@Andrewthecharminbumwiper I appreciate your comment but if you are invested enough, please read my comments of where I said I had always been available for every meet-up. It was him who had a reason every time for not attending.

Thank you for all the other comments, I know we spent the first month speaking but blimey I didn't think that was slow at all.

When he finally gave me dates of when we could meet, as soon as the time came closer something at work came up for him which is why I asked if this, mixed with the communication dwindling was a red flag.

Regardless, someone above commented that I am already investing far too much into this and I do agree as this isn't what I wanted at all.

If a guy lets me down more than once then I bin him off, don't put up with flaky behaviour, if he really wanted to meet you, he would give you a definite time and place and offer to come over to your town to meet. Keep talking to others you're more likely to get a sooner date from someone else.

@solarsky Thanks for your comment, I agree completely.

I think as I was in the mindset of taking it slow and not pushing for anything I was always fine with the fact more important things came up when we had arranged to meet.

It just now seems to be a re-occurring situation and I wanted to hear some different opinions on it, he's not a bad guy, I just feel as though we may want different things right now.