Red flags? Or am i being OTT.

[Username2022]

Hey all,

So I have been speaking to a guy through OLD. To begin with, we really hit it off so we exchanged numbers and had been texting daily, initiated by him. It's been about 2 months total. We are both mid/ late 20's, live local to each other, and actually have quite a few mutual contacts.

It is still very early days, so I'm choosing to take it slow but want to know if my instinct is off or if as per usual, I'm spot on.

At first glance, he seemed really genuine and easy to speak to. Through frequent communication, we realized we have many things in common and that we do really get along. He also compliments me very, very often and doesn't hide his attractions.

However recently, his responses to our conversations most days are extremely delayed. As in a couple to several hours between. He has mentioned that his job is strenuous and some days works until ridiculous hours of the evening/ morning. I understand, I am a workaholic also but my gut instinct is telling me otherwise.

An example before I continue. Yesterday our conversation was few and far between. Our last message was at 6 pm, where I had responded to his message and asked if he had finished work.

I awoke this morning to a message from him that read "I have now, have you?" - this was a message sent at 2 am. I eventually responded and asked if he was seriously asking me if I had finished work at 2 am when he knows I finish at 5 every day. He laughed it off and apologized saying that he had "fell asleep" straight from work and napped until 2 am which is when he messaged me, so his head was all over the place. Our last message was today at 12:30, he has been online since but hasn't responded.

I know I probably sound crazy but this has sort of put me off a bit because I think that's a blatant lie and I feel he is just trying to take me for a ride.

When we DO speak, he is again very talkative and expresses his attraction and desire to meet up. He is very keen to do so and I was up for it too but now I feel slightly disheartened.

Another concern of mine is that because he initiates flirty conversations so frequently and his constant mention of how he is so attracted to me etc makes me feel as though he is only looking for one thing. Sex.

When we both had spoken about what we wanted prior to moving to text, he said he was looking for a relationship and so did I however his actions don't paint him as someone who is looking for serious at all.

I have had some bad experiences, so I guess you could say although I feel ready to date, I definitely have some walls up. Please let me know if I should call it quits or if I'm in the wrong for being so hard here?

Thank you.

I really didn't want to jump into something straight away so I guess we've spent that time getting to know each other.

Sorry OP but I'm not sure I understand this. You can only begin getting to know each other once you meet. Can't exactly replace face to face contact with getting to know him online. Equally, meeting him doesn't mean that that's it now, you are then in a relationship with him, therefore wouldn't be "jumping into" anything. Meeting him would in fact be the "getting to know you" phase. IMO

@Flickeringgreenlight No worries, to be honest, I completely understand what you mean. I know even though we get along so well over text it doesn't necessarily mean it would transcend in real life and I would have been very up for a meeting when he asked. He said he would give me a date, but for every date he has given, he always ended up busy.

I don't think the not messaging back very quickly is a red flag although it does seem a bit strange that his messaging pattern has changed. The letting you down for meeting up is a red flag to me. If you have mutual contacts, can you find out if he's single?

Generally with OLD, I'd expect to meet up after 2-3 weeks tops unless there was a very good reason for delaying (eg holidays etc). It's very easy to get all excited with endless messaging and then it just doesn't translate to chemistry in real life been there got the t-shirt.

He's avoiding meeting and replying at odd time (like he's snatching chances to reply while hiding in the loo while his gf is asleep). Both red flags.

He's not single or he's not who he says he is (have you even facetimed?).

These things and contacts you have in common, who brought them up first? Is he mirroring?

Perhaps your unwillingness to be lead into sexting with a stranger who you haven't met yet and is overly complementary and flirty has made him realise you're not a mug and he's off to pastures new?

I’m not sure I see the relationship progressing anymore than messaging each other tbh! He sounds like a waste of time, why have you not met yet? His erratic messaging would turn me off and if you are questioning him then the chances are your intuition is right!

The red flag is him not wanting to meet you in real life. Set date and cancel, set date and cancel, set date and cancel - is BS.

With OLD you need to meet within 2 weeks. This weeds out the married, the fakes, the liars, the wanna-bees.

Oh and first meet up is best to just see it as meeting a friend - go for a coffee or drink for an hour or two, no big expensive dinner, swanky outfit etc. With online, dating, we used to call it "date zero" rather than a first date. Keep things light and not pressured.

I highly recommend Matthew Hussey's videos on youtube. They are really good for exactly this kind of situation.

I’m just sorry that he’s wasted two months of your previous time!
Bin him off IMO.

@Starlight39 Thingsdogetbetter @Glitterb @BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Yes, so the mutual contacts have all confirmed he is definitely single or at least not in an actual relationship. I've been told he keeps himself to himself and is a private person.

I did think perhaps the flakey behavior was a signal that maybe there is someone else who hasn't progressed into a serious relationship just yet - but again maybe I'm overthinking. I'm glad that someone else mentioned the crazy timing of texts though, the only time I've ever received a 2 am text is if it's a booty call.

We have face-timed yes, He just says he can't wait to be able to see me in person but then flakes again.

Interesting about the coffee suggestion, that was what we had planned to do on the dates that he gave. I liked the idea of a casual, chilled meet-up rather than something so intense as he had previously suggested a couple of different bars.

@beastlyslumber
Thank you so much, I'm going to give this a watch for sure.

@Username2022
Aw, no need to be sorry. I'm absolutely fine in all honesty. This is my first time in almost 4 years starting to speak and date again so I know this is bound to happen. As I said, it doesn't make him a bad guy, I just think we are on two different pages x

[quote Username2022]@beastlyslumber
Thank you so much, I'm going to give this a watch for sure.

@Username2022
Aw, no need to be sorry. I'm absolutely fine in all honesty. This is my first time in almost 4 years starting to speak and date again so I know this is bound to happen. As I said, it doesn't make him a bad guy, I just think we are on two different pages x[/quote]
@RosaMoline above post was a response to you! x

I also do believe I'm in the right place for a relationship but just don't want/need to be burned again which is why I am so wary

If you don't want to be burned, don't stand for things that make you feel off. It really is that simple. If you feel off, in this or any relationship, talk to the other person calmly about it. Whether it's a 'red flag' or whether you or they are right or wrong is not the issue. After all, there are many people who could follow all the rules of politeness and decency and respect, and still not be compatible with you, because the fact is, most of us aren't compatible with most of us.

You have to be guided by your feelings. They are the part of you that do the things you're looking for; peacefulness, happiness, contentedness, trust, fulfillment, etc. Find people who trigger these things in you, rather than those who trigger the 'Am I wrong to feel bad about this..?' feeling.

Feelings are signposts. Get closer to people who trigger good feelings. Make distance from those who trigger bad feelings. Don't try to change your feelings (unless you always have the same response to everybody, regardless of who they are); change your people to suit your feelings. You can't choose what you feel, any more than you can choose which foods to like or dislike, or who to have feelings for.

Respect your feelings rather than questioning them; allow them to choose your company for you. If you spend our time with people who make you happy, you will be predominantly happy. If you spend time with people (like this guy) who may well be very nice, but who make you question yourself, you will feel predominantly self-questioning, which is self doubting, which is self-disrespect.

@TheFoundations Thank you, that comment really is incredible.

I agree with everything that you posted.

You know, at the start, I was very open to speaking and seeing where things went but the situation has now started to make me slightly off and that's not something I would like to pursue.

You know, at the start, I was very open to speaking and seeing where things went but the situation has now started to make me slightly off and that's not something I would like to pursue

Well, whilst you haven't met your dream partner, I still would say this is very good news. Your filtering mechanism works, your boundaries are alive and kicking. Say goodbye, and never fear. 'Goodbye' is one of your biggest strengths, and will help you calmly navigate your way through your non-compatibles, until you find someone who you would be heartbroken to say goodbye to. That's the one to stick with. Good luck, and enjoy filtering!

And I meant to say, 'Talk to them calmly about it, and if the two of you don't start immediately sorting out a compromise that makes you happy, leave.'

Any worthy potential partner will want to listen, and will try to help you feel better. Self defense, counter attacks, sulking, changing the subject etc... run a mile. None of these behaviours care how you feel, but a worthy partner will.

Tbh, I agree that it is you giving off the red flags here: not wanting to meet, expecting quick replies from texts, etc. That sounds really contradictory.

Are you messaging anyone other than him? At the messaging stage, it’s not really ‘dating’ so it’s perfectly possible that he’s met other people while you’ve known each other - which might explain why he seems less keen now.

In future, try to keep your options open. Chat to several people, arrange to meet soon after you start talking (just for coffee or a walk) so that you don’t end up over investing before even meeting.

I think it's still worth you meeting, I think you may have given him the vibe that you wanted to take things slowly , and he's done exactly what you wanted ,you don't say what he does but some jobs mean last minute change of plans that are beyond his control
You say that you both hit it off very well to start with but things have been slowing down recently , texting can be very limiting and also something said one way by text can easily be taken in another completely different way by the recipient , over thinking on both sides and emotion added to the mix can soon distort many a text
Meet up , he's local , what have you got to loose ? you know all the rules ? Public place , tell someone , keep it very short ie coffee and be open and honest
Same goes for the after meeting analysis, be open and honest to yourself

You’ve been texting a stranger for a couple of months. Texting creates (IMO) a false sense of intimacy, so it’s easy for you to be expecting too much from someone who you haven’t even met yet.

Either meet up, or accept that you’ve both lost the momentum by not meeting up for 2 months. I think it’s a bit strange to be so suspicious and wary - I’m not sure how that will lend itself to being open to a potential relationship ever

@TheFoundations I’m not sure if this is a thing (I’ve never seen it), but you should totally start an open thread where people just come and ask you for relationship advice. I’ve seen you on numerous threads abs your advice is always kind, sensible and sound.

OP, good luck with the dating! You’ve had some great advice here, I hope it helps. I think it merits being said that even if your ultimate goal is a serious relationship, please remember that dating is meant to be fun. If you’re not enjoying yourself when engaging with someone, it’s generally not worth the hassle. I wish you all the best!

@AttaGirrrrl

Thank you for your comment, if you read the thread further you would see that it wasn't me who refused to meet. We spoke over an app and then text for a month, which is when he asked to see me, I said yes, but something came up for him. Then every other time we have mutually arranged a date and time, it has been him that couldn't attend.

I really never once said I expected instant responses, but the texting at early hours of the am, initiating a flirty conversation, and then no contact during the day, to me is a red flag and I do stand by that.

I also do understand that we aren't official, I have been open and transparent with him from the start that I am newly into dating and keeping my options open and that he should do the same. It was him that said he's excited to see where things go but then never follows through. So who knows!

@greedygut & @Derbee
Thank you both also. I know this thread may make it seem like im over-invested, I can assure you I ain't and i was just looking for a bit of advice for someone newly speaking to people again.
I agree completely maybe i was being overly cautious, but sometimes you cant deny your instinct! I will be sure to work on that though.

@TheFoundations

I also do believe I'm in the right place for a relationship but just don't want/need to be burned again which is why I am so wary

If you don't want to be burned, don't stand for things that make you feel off. It really is that simple. If you feel off, in this or any relationship, talk to the other person calmly about it. Whether it's a 'red flag' or whether you or they are right or wrong is not the issue. After all, there are many people who could follow all the rules of politeness and decency and respect, and still not be compatible with you, because the fact is, most of us aren't compatible with most of us.

You have to be guided by your feelings. They are the part of you that do the things you're looking for; peacefulness, happiness, contentedness, trust, fulfillment, etc. Find people who trigger these things in you, rather than those who trigger the 'Am I wrong to feel bad about this..?' feeling.

Feelings are signposts. Get closer to people who trigger good feelings. Make distance from those who trigger bad feelings. Don't try to change your feelings (unless you always have the same response to everybody, regardless of who they are); change your people to suit your feelings. You can't choose what you feel, any more than you can choose which foods to like or dislike, or who to have feelings for.

Respect your feelings rather than questioning them; allow them to choose your company for you. If you spend our time with people who make you happy, you will be predominantly happy. If you spend time with people (like this guy) who may well be very nice, but who make you question yourself, you will feel predominantly self-questioning, which is self doubting, which is self-disrespect.

Great post. I wish I had had this to read when I was 16. I would have saved myself so much heartache, giving them a chance, thinking that I could be the one, that if I ended things I was missing out on the possibility .... calling bullcrap on that now!

Thank you Foundations you always come up with good stuff.

Hes not into you, dont sleep with him

@TheFoundations I agree with @Buggritbuggrit and @DuchessOfDisaster your advice is remarkable and I’m thankful for posting!

@Munchkinpumpkin thanks for commenting Munchkin, I agree!