Red flags? Or am i being OTT.

[Username2022]

Hey all,

So I have been speaking to a guy through OLD. To begin with, we really hit it off so we exchanged numbers and had been texting daily, initiated by him. It's been about 2 months total. We are both mid/ late 20's, live local to each other, and actually have quite a few mutual contacts.

It is still very early days, so I'm choosing to take it slow but want to know if my instinct is off or if as per usual, I'm spot on.

At first glance, he seemed really genuine and easy to speak to. Through frequent communication, we realized we have many things in common and that we do really get along. He also compliments me very, very often and doesn't hide his attractions.

However recently, his responses to our conversations most days are extremely delayed. As in a couple to several hours between. He has mentioned that his job is strenuous and some days works until ridiculous hours of the evening/ morning. I understand, I am a workaholic also but my gut instinct is telling me otherwise.

An example before I continue. Yesterday our conversation was few and far between. Our last message was at 6 pm, where I had responded to his message and asked if he had finished work.

I awoke this morning to a message from him that read "I have now, have you?" - this was a message sent at 2 am. I eventually responded and asked if he was seriously asking me if I had finished work at 2 am when he knows I finish at 5 every day. He laughed it off and apologized saying that he had "fell asleep" straight from work and napped until 2 am which is when he messaged me, so his head was all over the place. Our last message was today at 12:30, he has been online since but hasn't responded.

I know I probably sound crazy but this has sort of put me off a bit because I think that's a blatant lie and I feel he is just trying to take me for a ride.

When we DO speak, he is again very talkative and expresses his attraction and desire to meet up. He is very keen to do so and I was up for it too but now I feel slightly disheartened.

Another concern of mine is that because he initiates flirty conversations so frequently and his constant mention of how he is so attracted to me etc makes me feel as though he is only looking for one thing. Sex.

When we both had spoken about what we wanted prior to moving to text, he said he was looking for a relationship and so did I however his actions don't paint him as someone who is looking for serious at all.

I have had some bad experiences, so I guess you could say although I feel ready to date, I definitely have some walls up. Please let me know if I should call it quits or if I'm in the wrong for being so hard here?

Thank you.

He said he would give me a date, but for every date he has given, he always ended up busy.

Good grief, this is the giant red flag. You live close to each other and yet still haven't met up? Nope. That just doesn't make sense at all, does it? Something's fishy.

I think you have to try and meet up again. And if hes being evasive or something comes up again you have your answer.

@Andrewthecharminbumwiper

I think you've left it too long to meet (even last weekend) and the momentum is flagging. Texting a stranger endlessly gets boring.

He might keep engaging in the odd convo but this will probably fizzle further towards either chit chat or titillation. I think in future, remember that actions are more important than words, and if you want a real relationship, move the chat into a real life meeting at a reasonably early opportunity, especially if you live locally. If it doesn't work, just say a polite 'thanks but no thanks' to further meetings. Instead, you've got invested in something ephemeral and he's losing interest.

You're way too involved in someone who owes you nothing at this stage. He said he wanted a relationship etc. He quite possibly does, but he didn't promise that to you. Just move on.

I couldn’t agree with this more

I wouldn't end it because of this. I'm usually very busy with work and if someone texts me between about 7 and 5 I won't usually reply straightway, maybe a few hours later, just because I'm so busy. The 2:30am text is weird. It may be perfectly innocent though. He might have worked late and fallen asleep like he said.

If you lik him a lot, I would see how things go from here.

@DuchessOfDisaster

I wish I had had this to read when I was 16. I would have saved myself so much heartache, giving them a chance, thinking that I could be the one, that if I ended things I was missing out on the possibility .... calling bullcrap on that now

Same here! I had a life-changing counsellor in my 40s, and I'm glad that what I learned is helping more than just me.

@Aquamarine1029

He said he would give me a date, but for every date he has given, he always ended up busy.

Good grief, this is the giant red flag. You live close to each other and yet still haven't met up? Nope. That just doesn't make sense at all, does it? Something's fishy.

I agree. He's been dodging meeting up. If he was into you, he'd have been wanting to meet up way before now.

Forget the texting, this is the red flag to me. One thing I've learned by dipping a toe back into the dating game is to meet relatively quickly, as often it's only by meeting in person that you really get a sense of whether you'll click with that person. Going for coffee is a good start.

So from what i read; i think you left it too long to meet up (both of you - regardless of who canceled etc). If you get on well online with someone, i think meeting up for a coffee somewhere is a good start. You meet up at say 2pm but you plan something with friends at 4pm so you can only stay for a bit. If it goes well then you arrange another date, if it doesnt then you’ve got your out!

If something feels off, then it is off. That’s it. No need to overthink it.

From what you said, it doesnt seem like it’s going to work out. Maybe let it frizzle off naturally and mark that one down as a learning excercise!

I can’t understand the negative comments. I don’t think you are being insecure, I think you like consistent communication.
If he’s going to be snowed under then why can’t he text you something like good morning, have a great day, going to be super busy will text you when I can type thing.
If I was wanting to impress, I wouldn’t be leaving you dangling.
I wouldn’t press him to meet if he’s putting you off.
Dial back the communication and see if he makes the effort.
It would be a no from me though.

@TurquoiseDragon , @Username2022
Thank you both for commenting. I agree and I think this is yet another learning curve for me, especially in regards to the dating scene. I do think I’m just going to allow it to fizzle out naturally as you suggested x

@Sandybeachtowel
Thank you so much Sandy, I really appreciate your comment. Neither did I personally but I guess you have to get some and not everyone is going to agree.
I do intend on dialling back, i do feel the same and it feels like a no for me now. There are no hard feelings at all just good to know what to look for when moving forward I guess! Live and learn x

I think it’s ok to want consistent communication in a relationship, but this man is a stranger and he doesn’t owe that to you. You’ve never even met!

I thought 2months of speaking and getting to know each other was normal, apparently not. I think the first month went by and he mentioned doing something and that he would let me know when he is free.

No. It's generally recommended that you meet up fairly quickly. You can't really get to know someone properly via text and messaging. I mean some of it helps but it's also easy for someone to craft a persona. Also you can build up a fantasy version of someone via messages that just doesn't translate into reality when you meet them. At best this is disappointing, at worst you persist with the illusion that they're something they're not.

I think your instincts are right but you focused on the wrong bit. Taking hours to respond to messages is entirely normal, especially with someone you've never met. But the flakiness on his part around meeting up would make me deeply suspicious. It could just be that he's seeing other people as well and you're ticket number 58 or something. But I've also known men do this and gradually get round to 'wouldn't it just be easier if I popped over to yours?' No, it wouldn't, fuck off. Honestly, I really hate having to explain to men I don't know how vulnerable women can feel when dating online and how no, I am not giving my address out to some random tosser on the internet, however often he tells me he's one of the nice guys.

@BertramLacey Really useful comment, thank you so much. To be honest I didn’t realise, my last relationship moved so quickly and didn’t work out for many reasons but I thought one of them was because of how quickly it progressed.

I really never thought of it that way but yes you are so right, through speaking to him I definitely have formed a persona of him in my head. Which it is so possible that it’s different to the real thing.

I do believe that the flakiness is down to him keeping his options open, which is perfectly okay. In hindsight I probably expected too much, too soon. But as I said you live and you learn! Honestly you sound amazing. Thank you x

Just casually mention meeting for a coffee and a walk/chat. That way not committing to an evening out. You will be able to tell in person what your gut is telling you more. Maybe he is messaging someone else but you are not dating yet but even for me that would turn me off. If he cancels this meet up for coffee, just let him go as not worth the hassle and that is a red flag for the future. Good luck and am staying single but am soo much older than you but could not be arsed with all the hassle as hard to know who anyone is now or their intentions or are they online with others etc etc. Let us know how you get on. xx

You sound far too invested in someone you have never met. Until meeting they are just a faceless stranger on the internet, you don't get to know anyone until you start dating.
He owes you nothing, you're someone he's chatted to online. He could be busy with a million other things. Arrange a meet up as soon as possible, if he pulls out or makes excuses then ditch and move on.

Your last response to this thread was over an hour ago but none of us are offended you're taking so long to reply

@facelessworrier haha hi faceless, I hope this wasn’t too long for you.
I agree, I just think I’m at peace with it for now and I just want to relax and see what happens. If he asks to meet again, I’ll agree but if he does flake again then it’s over in my eyes. If he doesn’t then no sweat either way. Thank you for commenting xx

If you haven’t met after all this time neither of you sound remotely keen.
It’s bizarre.

hi, i would like some other people's opinions please.

I separated from a terrible marriage 4months ago. I started old and met a guy. we met about 6times, then i decided he wasnt for me (he wanted to meet my kids, get married and live together). we never went on dates, I would drive up to meet him at his place after work, and then we would dtd and i would go home. after a few weeks of this, i felt used, so, i told him i wanted to go out on dates, and do things together and nothing changed. the final straw was when it was my birthday, he said he would be working, so, i made other plans to go out with friends one night and family the next night. only, he then rang me up to say he was moving closer to me and would 'come and see you whether you are tired or not, you have to see me'. then demanded I see him when i was supposed to be out with family. I refused, told him i had made plans as he said he'd be working. so, he agreed to finish work early the next day to meet me, only i got a message when he was supposed to finish work saying 'im stayin for an extra 2hours of overtime'! this had me very angry as everything had to be on his terms, so i told him its over. ever since then, he has rang me daily and messaged saying hes going to change, only my instints tell me to run, so, ive ignored him ever since.
p.s hes not from the uk so he says he didnt realise he had to discuss with me when i was free as opposed to expecting me to drop everything for him.
i guess i would like a different perspective on if im doing the right thing by staying away from him or am i over reacting? ive ignored him for 3 weeks now and hes still texting asking me to meet up!

[quote Username2022]@girlmom21 Can you elaborate? to me, it comes across as he is unserious because initially he was very intense with me then suddenly stopped so drastically. So forgive me for being cautious.[/quote]
Because you are spending hours agonising over text frequencies of a man who have not even met!

"Cautious" doesn't mean firing up a spreadsheet of contact times carefully cross-referenced by texts-per-day & who-initiated-today.

You are never going to know a single real thing about this man unless you meet him in real life. You've spent 2 months shilly-shallying about on the net with him, no wonder he binned off a real-life meet last weekend - he will have other OLD prospects who are willing to actually ... meet him!

When you delay a meeting via OLD, it's easy to over-invest, & start attributing all the attributes you desire onto some unsuspecting dude.
The best advice is to keep the initial chat short, arrange to meet quickly, keep the date short (meet for coffee, not a dinner) & go in with no expectations other than "might I want to see this guy for a second date?" - & expect that the answer will usually be "no".

It's a numbers game, & you have stalled at ONE guy, so you have created a narrative where you are fretfully trying to interpret "but what does he MEAN" from his texting behaviour, instead of just cracking on with meeting him & establishing if you might click.

TL:DR
Stop overthinking. Stop keeping all your eggs in one basket.
Start accepting dates with several men - & view them as 'prospects', instead of agonising over whether they could be 'The One'.

@Wnikat

The delayed messaging is not a red flag.

The not meeting up suggests he’s married though.

How does not meeting up suggest he is married? OP put off meeting him for 2 months - is that because she is married?

he asked to see me, I said yes, but something came up for him. Then every other time we have mutually arranged a date and time, it has been him that couldn't attend.

Apologies OP, I didn't pick up quickly enough on the fact that it's him who's kiboshed a few potential meets.
Nevertheless ... hope this has been a useful thread for you, you seem to be very self-aware & open to suggestions. Good luck, & keep the dating game fun :)

You need to meet up much sooner than this. “Taking it slow” isn’t a bad thing but it needs to come after a date not before! It’s impossible to know if you’re attracted to someone without meeting them, so no wonder he’s losing interest as you’re basically just pen pals. Whatever happens, you don’t have to sleep with him.
I also think that this is why it’s a good idea to keep talking to multiple people - so that you don’t become overly invested in one.