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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being silly

60 replies

Pettyornot · 06/10/2021 10:11

I have been with my new partner for 12months. He is lovely and we have a great relationship, for the most part.
We don't live together and don't share expenses. We both have mortgages and children ti care for. When we go out I pay half the time.
When we all go out, kids included bill is always split. Which is fine.
The last few months have been very tough on me tho. Due to covid I have been out of work, living on my savings. A huge struggle. Starting back at work on Monday which is great but I have no savings left now. I earn around 40k a yr. Partner earns 150k. Big difference. He is well ahead in his mortgage to whereas I am 11 yrs younger and not so ahead with mine.
Basically he is much better than I am financially and knows it.
My issue is. Last night I picked him up from the airport. He is fifo. I paid for petrol, drove 4 hours total, parking and road tolls. I do this every month.
This morning he borrowed my car for a few hours. When I got it back I expected to see a full tank as a thank you and also because he knows how much I'm struggling with money atm.
Car was still near empty.
I'm feeling pretty sad and tbh pissed off right now. Am I being petty tho? I feel a bitch but also want to say something to him. Should I?

OP posts:

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 10:14

After 12 months you should be able to ask him to put some petrol in the car every so often if you're driving him to the airport. His reaction will hopefully be "yeah sure".

gannett · 06/10/2021 10:16

"I was a bit annoyed because the tank was empty and I'm struggling for money, could you make sure you fill it up in the future"

Simple communication, job done. Yes it must have been annoying but it doesn't need to be a big deal.

Justcallmebebes · 06/10/2021 10:17

Yes of course you should. He must know that things are tight financially and he's choosing to ignore that and cause you more financial hardship.

Being kind, I would give him the benefit of the doubt as he may not have thought it through but that doesn't say much about him either.

If you are in a relationship and you want to progress you must be able to talk about money and your financial affairs but he is not covering himself in glory at all at the moment

What's fifo?

Arabelladrinkstea · 06/10/2021 10:18

Yes I’d say something and explain how much you’re struggling, hopefully he just hasn’t even twigged.
If he has any issue at all with it, then you know you have a cheapskate in your hands and have to decide if you’re willing to accept this part of their personality?

Cas112 · 06/10/2021 10:20

Yes, just explain how you feel and why things are a struggle now and why things like this make a difference. If he is a decent partner he should be fully understanding.

Original poster

Pettyornot · 06/10/2021 10:22

Fifo means his job flys in him and out for work.

That's true I know I need to communicate better. I feel bad asking him for petrol money but he does know my situation. I think he might forget at times that some single parents can really struggle as he never has.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/10/2021 10:25

It's possible he sees money as a psychological and social thing. You're being 'equal'. But for you it's a financial reality.

Does he do any favours for you which cost a big chuck of time and money?

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 10:31

Can he not get public transport? Use his own vehicle or hire one? "Sorry, I can't afford to pick you up" might be a simple way to avoid this issue.

ok1more · 06/10/2021 10:34

Are you sure he actually KNOWS though? For example have you just said things in passing or have had a full open conversation with him about your financial situation? It's easy to assume what people know but some things may have just gone over his head or maybe didn't think it was as bad as it is.

Communication is key here.

Original poster

Pettyornot · 06/10/2021 10:35

No not really. I have a holiday coming up that I had booked before we met and he has suggested him and his kids come (my already paid expense) he talks about taking me away but that hasn't happened yet.
We buy eachother small gifts.
I wouldn't ever worry about any of this but for some reason the car not having petrol has upset me as I filled it up and only drove to get him and then he used my car all morning.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2021 10:37

Tbh, considering how much dosh he has, I would expect him to be paying for a lot more of the dates ect.. like a 70/30 split. But this cheapskate uses your gas and doesn't even bother to refill your car. I'm not sure a conversation is going to cut it tbh. But if you have one then make it clear he needs to buck up his bloody ideas.

Original poster

Pettyornot · 06/10/2021 10:39

We have had many full open conversations. He is aware i wasnt getting paid for months, and have onfoing soliciotor bills for my settlement/divorce.
He knows how tough it's been on me to the point iv been in tears. So.i guess that's why I'm so hurt. I even said I was worried about parking at the airport as it's so expensive. He assured me not to worry he would pay but that didn't even happen.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2021 10:41

@Pettyornot

We have had many full open conversations. He is aware i wasnt getting paid for months, and have onfoing soliciotor bills for my settlement/divorce. He knows how tough it's been on me to the point iv been in tears. So.i guess that's why I'm so hurt. I even said I was worried about parking at the airport as it's so expensive. He assured me not to worry he would pay but that didn't even happen.

Ick

Thibk you should sack this one off op.
He's well on the way to cocklodger material.

But before that, message him and ask him to pay you back for the airport journey and the gas he used and tell him you are hurt he sent the car back empty and he needs to be more considerate of ppls financial situations.

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 10:43

Is he always so thoughtless? How did you even get into this chauffeur arrangement? When he invited himself and his children on your holiday, he didn't offer to pay, is that right? Does he generally expect you to put yourself out and pay for him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/10/2021 10:43

Honestly you might have to throw this one back. He's cheap, and thoughtless. Not a great combination,

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2021 10:45

And I don't think he is 'thoughtless'brcayse according to your update he knows fine well what's what. I think he is a user. Get your money back then get shot.

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 10:47

True, "thoughtless" probably is too kind.

MamDancer · 06/10/2021 10:48

Thibk you should sack this one off op.
He's well on the way to cocklodger material.

Absolutely this.

Original poster

Pettyornot · 06/10/2021 10:53

Hasn't offered to chuck in for the holiday but I'm not allowing them to come as it's a special time for just my kids and I. Haven't broken that news to him yet 🤦‍♀️
He suggested I also fly up and meet his family over xmas and that he COULD pay for my ticket if I needed..hmmmm.

Haha yeah I'm not sure how I ended up being taxi for his work. I also have to take a day off to do.it so that's another loss of income as I don't get paid for days off. The more I write the worse this really is, isn't it.

OP posts:

HalzTangz · 06/10/2021 10:57

@Pettyornot

Fifo means his job flys in him and out for work.

His job would also covers trains to and from the airport, or airport parking so he could take his own car.

MamDancer · 06/10/2021 11:00

You take unpaid days off to chauffeur this man for free? Wow.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 11:04

@Pettyornot

Hasn't offered to chuck in for the holiday but I'm not allowing them to come as it's a special time for just my kids and I. Haven't broken that news to him yet 🤦‍♀️ He suggested I also fly up and meet his family over xmas and that he COULD pay for my ticket if I needed..hmmmm.

WTAF! You take a day off work to drive him to his work?! And he doesn't reimburse you? Does he know you don't get paid if you're not at work.

HalzTangz · 06/10/2021 11:05

I find the more money someone has the tighter they become.

You need to be firm.

Charge him for the petrol and parking each and every time you pick him up.. or tell him to use expenses and get a train.

The holiday he needs to pay his and his kids way. If you booked an apartment that he wants to stay in, he needs to pay half and buy his own flights.

You mentioned and said he'd cover the parking. Drop him a text and say you could do with parking and petrol (it could be case of forgetting)

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 11:08

I'm not allowing them to come as it's a special time for just my kids and I. Haven't broken that news to him yet
I think you need to break some other news to him that will make this revelation unnecessary.

LemonTT · 06/10/2021 11:14

I don’t see this as a him issue. Why are you picking him up from the airport? Just don’t offer, say you can’t do it.

Neither of you are financially tied. He shouldn’t subside you and you shouldn’t subsidise him. Don’t spend anymore than you can afford on the relationship. If that means saying no to things then do it.

Even if you earned double what he does I couldn’t understand the airport pick up arrangement. Taxi, train or leave his car at the airport. It’s not your problem and you are not the solution.

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