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Original poster

Am I being silly

60 replies

Pettyornot · 06/10/2021 10:11

I have been with my new partner for 12months. He is lovely and we have a great relationship, for the most part.
We don't live together and don't share expenses. We both have mortgages and children ti care for. When we go out I pay half the time.
When we all go out, kids included bill is always split. Which is fine.
The last few months have been very tough on me tho. Due to covid I have been out of work, living on my savings. A huge struggle. Starting back at work on Monday which is great but I have no savings left now. I earn around 40k a yr. Partner earns 150k. Big difference. He is well ahead in his mortgage to whereas I am 11 yrs younger and not so ahead with mine.
Basically he is much better than I am financially and knows it.
My issue is. Last night I picked him up from the airport. He is fifo. I paid for petrol, drove 4 hours total, parking and road tolls. I do this every month.
This morning he borrowed my car for a few hours. When I got it back I expected to see a full tank as a thank you and also because he knows how much I'm struggling with money atm.
Car was still near empty.
I'm feeling pretty sad and tbh pissed off right now. Am I being petty tho? I feel a bitch but also want to say something to him. Should I?

OP posts:
IShoveLula · 06/10/2021 11:16

Bin him. He's probably an arsehole.

Why is he no longer with the DC's mother(s)?

Lobelia123 · 06/10/2021 11:16

He sounds tight which is not curable.

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 11:18

Agree that OP needs to learn to say no to things! But a man with the tiniest shred of decency would not even have agreed to be chauffeured around knowing she has to take the day off.

Wherearemymarbles · 06/10/2021 11:26

You need to be able to ask for what you need.
So be honest about the petrol as say its pretty poor form to have borrowed the car and not to have filled up.

It’s probably worth giving him an exact figure as you disposeable income

Original poster
Pettyornot · 06/10/2021 11:39

Thanks everyone 😪 yes he is well aware i take days off unpaid to drive him and pick him up. I never used to for this reason so then he would sulk about "Oh I'll just hitch hike then" he can catch a train straight there 🙄
I can struggle with the word no and I guess iv wanted to impress him and not let him down. But now I just feel used.

Ex wife and him didn't work out because he was unfaithful.
Gets better and better doesn't it 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/10/2021 11:41

He meets his own needs first in all things.

TumtumTree · 06/10/2021 11:45

You take a day off work unpaid once a month to pick him up from the airport and he doesn’t even reimburse you for the petrol?! That is shocking!

HollowTalk · 06/10/2021 11:47

Oh god, OP, pull yourself together on this one. Tell him to transfer the petrol money to your account and the second it lands, dump him. He's a tight selfish bastard.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2021 11:54

He's a sponger, and a cheat, I see.

I would be binning him off faster than he could turn around. The red flags are waving, op. Ignore them at your own peril.

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 12:08

How about if you use him to practise putting your foot down, knowing that you are not worried about him being pissed off, as you don't want him anyway so there's no risk involved?

bebarkered · 06/10/2021 12:30

You know you said "I feel bad asking him for petrol money"? Well, he doesn't feel bad taking your petrol money, does he?!!

Brollywasntneededafterall · 06/10/2021 12:31

MUG op...
Sorry but it's a fact..
Withdraw your free taxi service or charge him the going rate for a chauffeur..

ChargingBuck · 06/10/2021 14:30

He assured me not to worry he would pay but that didn't even happen.

Cheap & thoughtless.

Although many wealthy people genuinely don't "get" the reality of money worries, he has enough insight into yours & should have taken care of this.

Is he as entitled in other areas? - the monthly half-day you spend being a free (& petrol-providing) taxi service seems ... disproportionate ...

ChargingBuck · 06/10/2021 14:32

Haha yeah I'm not sure how I ended up being taxi for his work. I also have to take a day off to do.it so that's another loss of income as I don't get paid for days off.

What the FUCK?
Does he think you are his servant?

ChargingBuck · 06/10/2021 14:36

@TumtumTree

You take a day off work unpaid once a month to pick him up from the airport and he doesn’t even reimburse you for the petrol?! That is shocking!
& sulks if she fails to comply ...

& future fakes about the holidays he is going to take OP on, while expecting to gatecrash hers, for no financial contribution ...

& says he will pay for the airport parking, but "forgets".

I'm starting to think this is less about money, & more about power & control. He likes having a compliant, relatively poorer g/f.

OP I'm not saying LTB.
But I am saying - start saying NO to him. Frequently. And assess how he reacts. Do not be guilted into compliance. The airport expectation is outrageous. What a spoiled little princeling he is.

Embracelife · 06/10/2021 14:39

@MamDancer

You take unpaid days off to chauffeur this man for free? Wow.
Exactly Why do you do this op? His company pays taxi surely
IShoveLula · 06/10/2021 14:41

Quite a catch you have there, @Pettyornot.

Say No to him once and the reaction will tell you what we're telling you.
Bin him.

Embracelife · 06/10/2021 14:41

@Pettyornot

Thanks everyone 😪 yes he is well aware i take days off unpaid to drive him and pick him up. I never used to for this reason so then he would sulk about "Oh I'll just hitch hike then" he can catch a train straight there 🙄 I can struggle with the word no and I guess iv wanted to impress him and not let him down. But now I just feel used.

Ex wife and him didn't work out because he was unfaithful.
Gets better and better doesn't it 🤦‍♀️

Yes you are used Yes you are being silly for doing all this If he says he will hitch hike just laugh and say OK then
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/10/2021 14:45

Why do you feel bad about asking someone to do something fair and reasonable?

I don't mean that in a sarcastic way, I think it's really important you think about whether you're insecure about the relationship and always trying not to rock the boat - which may mean it's not a healthy relationship.

You have less money available, he used something of yours than now needs replacing and he has more than enough money to replace it.

Perfectly reasonable to ask him to replace it. Nobody would think anything otherwise. Which leads me to believe you're worried about flagging anything at all with him for fear of it ending, rather than feeling happy and secure in your dynamic.

Do you feel pressure not to rock the boat, not to be completely honest etc often with him?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/10/2021 14:47

Oh god just saw all your recent updates. Mate, this isn't working out - you need to bin him off. Thoughtless and selfish at best, nasty and selfish at worst!

Argh and he's a cheat?! OP you need to have some headspace and be single before dating again because you've ignored some pretty huge red flags here.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/10/2021 14:51

Haha yeah I'm not sure how I ended up being taxi for his work. I also have to take a day off to do.it so that's another loss of income as I don't get paid for days off.

Sorry to post again but I really think you might benefit from some counselling to get more robust boundaries before dating again OP.

You have allowed a man to take advantage of you to the extent you're losing income to make his life easier (when he is financially able to do the same thing - his work would pay for a taxi and if they didn't, he could afford to cover the travel costs to the airport himself) thereby losing money you could be spending on or saving for your own children.

You've prioritised his convenience over your family's financial stability.

I don't think you should be dating anyone again until you untangle all this in some counselling.

StartingAgain6369 · 06/10/2021 15:38

I have a close friend in the next village, she recently had car issues which I took over sorting giving her my car to drive so she could get to work, I'm WFH currently, both of us on similar incomes

When her car was fixed I drove it into town to pick up DD1, round trip of 22 miles, filled up with petrol, purchased favourite chocolate and took her the car back

When I got to her house, parked up on the drive, left chocolate bar on dashboard

Cuppa, chat, swapped back into my car but didn't say anything, I did get a lovely text in the morning tho'

OP he's taking the ........... !

Original poster
Pettyornot · 06/10/2021 23:11

Thanks everyone. Iv woken up this morning pretty upset about the whole thing.
He can get very sulky and angry in his words "frustrated" if I say no to him. I just hate causing drama but I'm going to have to say something this time or not do it again. I actually feel really hurt. He knows my situation just doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 06/10/2021 23:19

Please rate yourself higher than he does op.. You are a free skivvy to him. Nothing more sadly.

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2021 23:25

@Pettyornot

Thanks everyone. Iv woken up this morning pretty upset about the whole thing. He can get very sulky and angry in his words "frustrated" if I say no to him. I just hate causing drama but I'm going to have to say something this time or not do it again. I actually feel really hurt. He knows my situation just doesn't seem to care.
You aren't causing drama though op, he is. Asserting your boundaries when someone is disrespectful is not causing drama.

That being said I'm nit sure he is worth talking to because someone has basic respect or they don't and if they don't, you can't talk it into them. He knows your financial situation, he just doesn't give a shit.

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