Dreading going to a friends wedding

[messylove]

My partner (of 9 years) and I have been invited to a friends wedding and I know this sounds awful but I am dreading going to it. It's not because I'm not happy for my friend, I'm very happy for her. The reason is because going to weddings makes me feel really sad and envious. My partner is not keen on the idea of marriage as he's been married before and well and truly burned from this experience. When questioned from other people as to what he thinks about getting married again he says that he doesn't have the money and that it's just a piece of paper. I have never been married before and I feel that it's important to me. When he says these things it makes me feel really sad and unimportant as we have been together for 9 years and also have children. It makes me feel that he doesn't love me enough to get married.

Does anyone else have a feeling of dread when invited to weddings that is similar to my reasons? Or is it just me?

It's not just a piece of paper. It's a commitment to the relationship so I understand why you're upset.
Would your partner be happy in a civil partnership? That would take care of the legal practicalities and give you and your children some protection.
If he's been badly hurt I can understand his reluctance but his way is hurting you and you're not responsible for his pain.

No, but I've had a dread of that question for the same reason. Short term I solved it by saying "Talk for yourself! I want to get married one day" every time he answered that question for "both" of us with his own views. Long term I ditched him. I was never going to be happy marrying someone who waited years and years, until what? They'd come to the conclusion nobody better was coming along? They were getting older and wanted looking after in retirement? Past 30 you know who you are, what you want and who you love. It doesn't take longer than a couple of years to decide if you want to marry someone or not. So if it doesn't happen, there's your answer. The longer I put up with it, the more another little piece of me died. Ultimately I decided I was disrespecting myself to stay with someone who didn't love me enough.

If he genuinely believes it's just a piece of paper and you want to be married (rather than being focused on the wedding day) then he'll be happy to do a registry office for a few hundred quid as a compromise, surely?

If not then it's something that will always upset you and is a fundamental incompatibility I think.

It's not a piece of paper though. It's more like a legal contract that protects usually the woman as she tends to be the one who sacrifices her career to have children , takes time out of the workforce and takes care of the home.

Is the house in both your names? Do you work etc?

Yeh exactly they're never going to compromise by doing a registry office or w civil partnership because the financial contract bit is the one that bothers them! It's never about the actual wedding day. Or the emotional committment of marriage, people know they can get divorced without stigma these days. It's always about money and the fact they either want all their money for themselves more than they want to see the mother of their DC and their DC protected or the fact they just don't trust you not to rip them off financially somehow. Neither are good personality traits in a DP. The "piece of paper" comment is just to shut other people up when they ask (including their DP!) and it sounds better than the truth.

he's been married before and well and truly burned from this experience

Uh oh

In what way was he "burned", that was specific to being married and not just "my relationship ended and it hurt"?

Is he entirely against marriage, or the huge expense and extravagance of a wedding day? The legal position provided by marriage in case something should happen to one partner, especially when you have children, is invaluable, but that can be had from marriage in a Register Office. I can potentially understand him not wanting to spend thousands on the day though.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation
It is so hard to know, I know some men feel "burned" because they have to pay maintenance for their children. I also know situations where no children were involved and the ex wife got a substantial proportion of total assets whilst contributing little and having an affair. Some men feel "burned" by nothing, but in some cases it is also entirely justified.

This argument always infuriates me. If it's "just a piece of paper", it's no hardship to do such a simple thing for your partner, is it?
I just think, don't be a coward and hide behind that flimsy excuse. You don't want to risk a fair financial settlement should you divorce.
I feel for you. Not nice to know your partner won't make that important legal commitment to you. Especially when you've had his children.
I hope you're able to work OP because you may well decide you're over this crap and you'll need to be able to support yourself. And if he won't marry, I'd be making sure your name is on everything. Particularly your home.
I don't blame you for feeling sad but you can make plans so that you'll be fine if you decide you've finally had enough.

I hope you work and that your property is in both your names.

sorry OP

@FluffyWhiteBird love what you’ve said about disrespecting yourself. Did you move on? Did you get married to someone else?

If it really was 'just a piece of paper', then he'd have no real argument would he ?

It's the giving your wife 'rights' financially that 'bothers' him, isn't it ?

He thinks his ExW 'stole his money', doesn't he ? Never mind the actual truth of the matter, that being married gave his ExW a legal right to a fair financial settlement which included paying for HIS children.

I'm afraid I'd be speaking up about what I wanted from my future, and not allowing him to speak for me about this !

I'd be loud and clear ''I want to get married. I don't want to hear all about your ExW, because I'm not her. We have been together 9yrs and have children, and I want to get married.''

You have to choose your own future, not be 'granted it by default' by a partner who has no problem telling you what they want, and just expect you to agree/go along with it.

When he says these things it makes me feel really sad and unimportant as we have been together for 9 years and also have children. It makes me feel that he doesn't love me enough to get married.

Have you told him this?

If marriage is important to you then you should consider whether you want to stay with someone who doesn’t want to marry you

Does he know how much you want to get married?

Have you had a proper conversation about how you feel? You mention what he says when other people ask him but what does he say to you? Have you explained everything you've said here?

Lots of people have reluctance around marriage due to previous experiences, either their own or their parents. Sometimes it's easier to talk flippantly about money and pieces of paper but you need to get to the bottom of what his position is. If it's that he never wants to get married then you need to decide if that's something you're willing to live with or you want to leave the relationship

Marriage is just a piece of paper?

So is cash but I bet he doesn't shy away from that.

The 'no money' excuse is bollocks. If you were to say to him you want the most basic registry office ceremony with 2 guests and a pub meal to celebrate how would he react?

So why are you tolerating thi?
It feels disrespectful because it IS disrespectful.
He shouldn't just assume you are OK with not getting married. Having said that, you've already had kids with him, knowing his stance so I can't blame him for assuming you don't want to get married. But if you do, TELL him. Tell him it's a non negotiable for you and you want to get married. Then have a discussion about it like actual partners.

As pp said, I hope you have xontinued to work and that you have your own bank account and have taken any further steps to ensure your financial security in event of a breakup.

Is he disrespectful in other ways?

I’m of the “just a piece of paper” brigade.

But marriage was important to my husband. It’s something he really wanted in life. So We got married. I didn’t need to be married to feel committed, he did.

Surely if it’s just a piece of paper to him then what’s the problem?

He has no business having children with a woman if he is too delicate to get married again. He already made a lifetime commitment by having children and moving in with you. It's not about a piece of paper. He's had nine years to lick his wounds. And I think you should also look in the mirror. Whatever you think that lady is worth in the looking glass, I'll bet she's worth at least double the price. That sadness you're feeling about the wedding is just a reminder to nag you into remembering to question whether this guy is worth the trouble, when you yourself are worth so much.

[quote twoandeights]@FluffyWhiteBird love what you’ve said about disrespecting yourself. Did you move on? Did you get married to someone else?[/quote]
Yes I did. I'm with someone lovely now. The kind of person who sees there's a problem, looks around and says "ok don't worry I can sort this bit and that bit, you do those other bits, oh and there's £50 in my pocket what do we most need to spend it on? I'll be back soon"

Totally unlike my ex who would refuse to acknowledge a massive problem staring us in the face and if it was pointed out would shrug and say " So what are you going to do about it because I don't care? That money you lent me last week? No I still haven't got it yet despite saying I'd pay you back when we got home, also I need petrol so I'm just going to take a tenner out your purse. Bye"

It's never just one thing. If someone doesn't care about your financial security in the future, especially if they've had DC with you, they're basically saying they don't care about you or the DC. When you really look you see it in hundreds of other smaller ways that you've been brushing off.

It's easy for things to go smoothly when there's enough money floating around. But in retirement, or if one of you becomes seriously ill, or made redundant, has a family tragedy etc, you want someone who's on your side, a team player, to lean on and support each other. Someone who's got your back against others, who tells you eg to leave the job that's making you ill because something else will soon turn up, or whatever.

Not someone who's attitude to anything that isn't about them is "I didn't sign up for this. What are you going to do about your problem?... What do you mean you're too busy sorting it to run round catering to my every whim, what about poor meeeee?". Someone who's first response to the shit potentially hitting the fan in the future is to make sure they're ok and fuck everybody else.

Life is easier, pleasanter and you feel more love (both in terms of giving and receiving between partners, and in loving yourself) when your DP is not a selfish git.

@Pinkbonbon

So why are you tolerating thi? It feels disrespectful because it IS disrespectful. He shouldn't just assume you are OK with not getting married. Having said that, you've already had kids with him, knowing his stance so I can't blame him for assuming you don't want to get married. But if you do, TELL him. Tell him it's a non negotiable for you and you want to get married. Then have a discussion about it like actual partners.

As pp said, I hope you have xontinued to work and that you have your own bank account and have taken any further steps to ensure your financial security in event of a breakup.

Is he disrespectful in other ways?

Disrespectful? If someone doesn't want to get married then that's their choice, they shouldn't be bullied into it by a guilt trip of it somehow being 'disrespectful'. If that were true then every woman that's ever declined a marriage proposal must have been being disrespectful of the man.

Sure, if the OP doesn't like it, they can end the relationship and go and find someone else that does want to marry. Seems a bit extreme to destroy an otherwise happy family unit for though?

I'm in a similar position as the OP - my partner has been married once before and they say they'll never do that again. I've never been married and would like to one day, but I'm not going to throw away what we have now in the hope of finding someone else who does want marriage. I hope my partner will change their mind in time, but if they don't then fair enough, they haven't lied or misled me.

@altmember
It's disrespectful that he won't even discuss it with a woman who he has had children with. There's no way around that. It's not a guilt trip, it's just fact.

It makes you feel unimportant because he is treating you like you are unimportant. If he doesn’t want to get married again, that is a choice he can make. He should not have entered into a partnership and had children with someone who does value marriage.

If you had no children, I would advise you to get rid of this man as quickly as possible. Since you did choose to have children despite not being married, it’s more complicated than that.

As for the wedding, maybe it would be better to leave him home with the kids and just go have fun solo. At least then you don’t have to listen to him say the mother of his children is unworthy of a legal commitment.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If he genuinely believes it's just a piece of paper and you want to be married (rather than being focused on the wedding day) then he'll be happy to do a registry office for a few hundred quid as a compromise, surely?

If not then it's something that will always upset you and is a fundamental incompatibility I think.

This. Why would he refuse to do this tiny meaningless thing which matters so much to you ?