Dreading going to a friends wedding

[messylove]

My partner (of 9 years) and I have been invited to a friends wedding and I know this sounds awful but I am dreading going to it. It's not because I'm not happy for my friend, I'm very happy for her. The reason is because going to weddings makes me feel really sad and envious. My partner is not keen on the idea of marriage as he's been married before and well and truly burned from this experience. When questioned from other people as to what he thinks about getting married again he says that he doesn't have the money and that it's just a piece of paper. I have never been married before and I feel that it's important to me. When he says these things it makes me feel really sad and unimportant as we have been together for 9 years and also have children. It makes me feel that he doesn't love me enough to get married.

Does anyone else have a feeling of dread when invited to weddings that is similar to my reasons? Or is it just me?

Was the prospect of marriage not discussed early on the relationship? Especially before having children with him if it was that important to you? It's not really fair to blame him after being with him for 9 years and having children with him to then say it's not fair he won't marry me now, if you knew he didn't want to get married again, why continue in a relationship with him? Or is it one of these where it was discussed, then put on the back burner for some years where they hope they change their mind but don't

@jimmyjammy001 it was the latter. Put on a back burner.

Why would he marry you?

You have had his children, with his surname, and you have put up with it for a decade. He has no reason to.

He doesn’t want to marry you. I’m sure he likes you a lot and finds you attractive and you have your beautiful babies together, but he doesn’t love you enough to selflessly marry you to make you feel better.

If it’s just a piece of paper, he’d do it to make you happy.

I'm truly curious.

During any of these major events like say when you first got pregnant, did you say you wanted to get married and what did he say?

The same when the idea of buying a house together came up. Whose idea was it to buy a house and at the time did you mention you'd rather be married before buying a house with him?

Also, say he will never marry you, will you still stay with him or is it a deal breaker?

I'm curious about what both your thinking was at the time these major events occurred.

I would want more than a registry office wedding.

Why?

You act like you’re powerless and didn’t/ don’t have a choice. The sad fact is that you didn’t prioritise your desire enough for it to be a dealbreaker. I am personally against marriage and have made that clear to anybody I’ve been with, this idea of yours of making someone else happy by making a decision that you’re unhappy with, is how you ended up in this situation.

If remaining unmarried has become a dealbreaker than you need to communicate this to him but your ‘don’t feel good enough to marry’ is a feeling you need to own and work through, rather than making it someone else’s responsibility.

What would happen if you took control of this? Eg. you say -

• I want to get married in x year,
• I have started saving for the wedding I want with a budget of x and will be saving at a rate of y per month to get there
• are you happy for me to book the service?

If he never marries you then is that a dealbreaker?

The actual wedding is all fluff, the "piece of paper" is vital.

That said, and this will be harsh, I can never understand why a woman who wants marriage having children with a man that says right from the start that they don't. Why on earth would such a man ever change their mind given the ultimate compromise has already been made?

@TSSDNCOP he never said from the start that he didn't want to get married! He didn't say anything apart from it's just a piece of paper! If he'd said from the start then it would have been different and I wouldn't have a leg to stand on would I?

[quote messylove]@TSSDNCOP he never said from the start that he didn't want to get married! He didn't say anything apart from it's just a piece of paper! If he'd said from the start then it would have been different and I wouldn't have a leg to stand on would I?[/quote]
It's not exactly saying he's interested or open to marriage tho, is it?

In fact it's saying the opposite. So not sure what leg you do have to stand on.

[quote messylove]@MayorGoodwaysChicken yes I have thought about that too. I would hate to force anyone into anything, that would be awful. Maybe I need to give him a shock, I honestly have reached the stage where I don't know how to handle it. I just keep thinking if it was the other way around I wouldn't want him to feel unhappy and I'd make sure that I would do my best to ensure they are happy. It's just an awkward scenario that that I'm stuck in a rut with [/quote]
Marrying someone "to make the other person happy" is a terrible idea. It's a HUGE deal, both parties need to want it.

[quote twoandeights]@FluffyWhiteBird love what you’ve said about disrespecting yourself. Did you move on? Did you get married to someone else?[/quote]
This.

I think it's a bit silly to be "dreading"
Going to someone else's wedding just because they are having something you want 🤷🏻‍♀️

My now DH wasn't fussed about marriage but I made it clear no marriage no children - lol and behold we got married

Being upset about it now is like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. You should have made it clear before you had children

I was financially ripped off by ex-DH and despite being married came out with nothing ( he emptied the bank account) and a pittance in maintenance due to his lies. I clawed my way back working every hour I could and got a house and raised my children. I never want to be married again even though it has back fired financially in a long term relationship I have just left where I am having to fight for my share of the property.

“I have made it clear that it's important to me and he said he can't afford it as I would want more than a registry office wedding.”

So the issue isn’t that he doesn’t want to marry you - but that you’re placing more importance on an expensive wedding than actually getting married?

OP I am so so glad to read that you have the financials in place.

I would look into formally naming each other next of kin (is this through a Power of Attorney? someone on MN will know). Then if something happens to either of you and medical decisions need to be made you can make them for each other, not your respective parents / siblings etc. Also are you each named in your pensions as the beneficiaries for death in benefits?

As for the marriage thing. I am sorry you are not on the same page as that.

Oh stop with the sanctimonious sneering. Nothing wrong with wanting a lovely wedding most people do. Know the admired way is to get married in a registry office with two randoms as witnesses wearing sackcloth and ashes then head off for a glass of tap water but in the real world most people want a nice wedding it’s not unreasonable.

“in the real world most people want a nice wedding it’s not unreasonable.”

In itself, no of course not.

But it is kind of unreasonable to blame him for not wanting to get married when actually it’s that he doesn’t want to spend as much as her so she won’t get married.

If it’s about money then give your dp a list of the costs involved for a basic registry office wedding with just a few close family members and a lunch afterwards.
If your dp still won’t get married then it never was the cost.