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Original poster

Dreading going to a friends wedding

70 replies

messylove · 06/10/2021 00:47

My partner (of 9 years) and I have been invited to a friends wedding and I know this sounds awful but I am dreading going to it. It's not because I'm not happy for my friend, I'm very happy for her. The reason is because going to weddings makes me feel really sad and envious. My partner is not keen on the idea of marriage as he's been married before and well and truly burned from this experience. When questioned from other people as to what he thinks about getting married again he says that he doesn't have the money and that it's just a piece of paper. I have never been married before and I feel that it's important to me. When he says these things it makes me feel really sad and unimportant as we have been together for 9 years and also have children. It makes me feel that he doesn't love me enough to get married.

Does anyone else have a feeling of dread when invited to weddings that is similar to my reasons? Or is it just me?

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 06/10/2021 14:28

Your partner wants his cake and eat it. He wants you to take care of him in return with fuck all legal rights. It's not about a wedding ceremony it's about equitable rights. I know this as I refuse to marry my partner. I love him but not enough to hand my money to him in the event I die or divorce. My partner though would burn through any inheritance or divorce money, he has had significant debt issues and he has never ever paid to a pension and I've always always worked and paid my fair share of bills, childcare and so on. He is not and never is a sahm parent. It's different in my situation. I will of course provide provisions incase of an eventuality. Every circumstance is different.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 06/10/2021 14:34

Has he always been clear from the start that he did not want to get married again OP?

Or is this a recent development / moving of the goal post?

AndOtherStories · 06/10/2021 14:35

It's a very important piece of paper and that's why he doesn't want to marry. He's been "burned" financially I'm guessing and he doesn't love you enough to give you the financial protections you should have as mother of his children.

Going to someone else's wedding is the least of your problems.

Dontbeme · 06/10/2021 14:47

As for the wedding, maybe it would be better to leave him home with the kids and just go have fun solo. At least then you don’t have to listen to him say the mother of his children is unworthy of a legal commitment

100% agree with this, go solo and have fun @messylove if getting married is of no interest to him why would he want to spend the day watching someone else do it?

In the long term make sure you would be financially okay to be on your own and build a solid career and future for you and the kids, then you can decide under what conditions you want this man in your life.

Lunificent · 06/10/2021 14:49

In your position, j would do so be research on the financial benefits and safeguards of being married. If he’s willing to provide the same benefits as a married person then perhaps not being married isn’t the end of the world. If he doesn’t want you to have the financial benefits of a married person, perhaps you should leave.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 06/10/2021 15:01

If he hates the idea of marrying you, why should he even consider going to another person's wedding to celebrate with them? It's so two faced. Definitely go on your own and tell him why.
He doesn't want to marry you and being burned is an excuse.
My DH was ripped off in a big way by his ex. I thought he would never want to marry me after his terrible experience, but he did because he loved me and wanted our future to be together.

Constellationstation · 06/10/2021 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/10/2021 15:18

OK. So he doesn't want to get married again.

Has he put in palce all the necessary protections for you and your kids for when he dies. Have you?

No marriage means you have to be proactive in ensuring you have a will that states precisely what you want to happen. That any mortgage , savings etc are dealt with. That you both get this sorted.

Have you had that conversation? Have you both done all of that?

girlmom21 · 06/10/2021 15:34

If marriage is that important to you how did you end up having children with a man who doesn't want to get married?

Did he change his mind somewhere down the line?

Original poster
messylove · 06/10/2021 15:36

I have made it clear that it's important to me and he said he can't afford it as I would want more than a registry office wedding. He has been burned before as his previous wedding cost an extreme amount.

We have a will in place and I own half of the house alongside him.

It's not about money for me it's about not feeling good enough for him to ask me after all of these years. Our kids also have his surname.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 06/10/2021 15:45

So is he willing to marry you if you could reach a compromise and not have the big extravagant wedding?

Why don't you start saving towards it if his reasoning is that he can't afford it? It shouldn't be down to him to pay for the full thing unless you're a SAHP?

litterbird · 06/10/2021 15:46

This is a difficult one as he has stated that he doesn't want to get married. You have accepted that and continued to have children with him, so in his eyes you just shrugged your shoulders and accepted it gracefully. What are you going to do if he point blank refuses to ever marry you or even consider it? I assume you have a good life already, settled and happy?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/10/2021 15:48

@messylove

I have made it clear that it's important to me and he said he can't afford it as I would want more than a registry office wedding. He has been burned before as his previous wedding cost an extreme amount.

We have a will in place and I own half of the house alongside him.

It's not about money for me it's about not feeling good enough for him to ask me after all of these years. Our kids also have his surname.

Ah well that's a bit different.

What's most important to you - to be married or to have a wedding?

If he doesn't want to spend loads on a big day (which I wouldn't, despite wanting to be married) then can you reach a compromise and have a small wedding / registry office do?

It sounded earlier like he doesn't want to get married full stop but now it sounds like maybe you just don't agree with each other on what your wedding day would ideally be like?

In which case both parties need to compromise.

I'm not going to be giving my children someone's last name unless it's my last name too, because some blokes do seem to say they want to get married or even get engaged, to secure their last name for the kids but then conveniently change their mind.

SpringSparrow · 06/10/2021 15:56

Why do the kids have his surname?! I never understand this, and I have friends who did the same, weren’t married but gave the kids the surname of the father. A friend of mine was in a similar position. She finally got a civil partnership after 20 years together. She refers to him as her husband. He was the one against marriage as he felt it would go wrong if they did?! She’s happier now they have a civil partnership.

category12 · 06/10/2021 15:58

Ugh, never understand why women give their children the dad's surname and then grieve over not having the same name. Talk about giving it all to the bloke on a plate.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/10/2021 15:59

he said he can't afford it as I would want more than a registry office wedding. He has been burned before as his previous wedding cost an extreme amount. Is that true? Or would the registry office be enough for you?

If he is speaking for you and not listending to you then that's another conversation.

Good you have the legalities in place.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 06/10/2021 16:10

Do you work though OP? Owning half the house is something but if you split or he changed his will without you knowing you could be stuffed if you’re not able to support yourself day to day, fund another property purchase etc. I hope you haven’t curtailed your own pension provision to care for his children? Being unmarried you’re not entitled to any of his if you split.

Sorry to be blunt but my view is that if he loved you fully and knew it was a dealbreaker for you, he would marry you. Either he doesn’t love you enough, or he is assuming it isn’t a dealbreaker to you because you have stayed for years and had his babies despite him not marrying you.

You need to take control of the situation and decide for yourself what matters most. I think I would have to tell him how much it matters to you, lay out all the legalities so he a shut up about it just being a piece of paper (yea just like that will he has written - they can be quite important!!) and then tell him he has a month to decide. Spend that month planning your life without him and be prepared to pull the trigger. The other question is - would you then feel he’s been forced into it? That’s not how I would want it to be. So maybe it’s best just to pack your bags and shock him. Either way I can totally understand why this situation is intolerable to you. It would be for me too.

CookPassBabtridge · 06/10/2021 16:16

You can't force someone to marry you. If it's so important to you, split up and find someone who wants to.

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2021 16:23

@category12

Ugh, never understand why women give their children the dad's surname and then grieve over not having the same name. Talk about giving it all to the bloke on a plate.
It's so weird too isn't it? I mean why wpuld you give them his name if you aren't married? The thought would never enter my mind. And if he suggested it I'd tell him that the next ones could have his surname... when he pushed them out of his fudd!
Smashingspinster · 06/10/2021 16:31

So it is not the actual wedding which is the problem, it is your relationship and your partners views. I would not be happy to be with someone for that long without marriage.

Original poster
messylove · 06/10/2021 18:41

@Pinkbonbon that's just your view. But I don't understand why you would call someone who is already feeling shit 'weird' if you don't have anything constructive to say don't say anything at all

OP posts:
Original poster
messylove · 06/10/2021 18:43

@MayorGoodwaysChicken yes I do work and it's a joint will that we made when we bought the house.

I have my own pension and he has his own too.

OP posts:
Original poster
messylove · 06/10/2021 18:47

@MayorGoodwaysChicken yes I have thought about that too. I would hate to force anyone into anything, that would be awful. Maybe I need to give him a shock, I honestly have reached the stage where I don't know how to handle it. I just keep thinking if it was the other way around I wouldn't want him to feel unhappy and I'd make sure that I would do my best to ensure they are happy. It's just an awkward scenario that that I'm stuck in a rut with Confused

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2021 18:48

I didn't call you weird. I said it's a weird thing to do. I've already said something constructive up thread. Calm your jets.

If you're feeling shit the maybe take that as some insentive to take actual responsibility for your life and its trajectory.

Pinkbonbon · 06/10/2021 19:00

Sorry, that one was a bit harsh.
But...also, still a fair point.