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Original poster

Husband went to a stripclub and I cant stop feeling like it was cheating!

63 replies

MamaFGC · 05/10/2021 14:57

So my husband went on a stag do on Saturday, they all went into a strip club which I knew was happening but he said he wouldn't be getting a private dance. However on Sunday he admitted he did infact pay for a private dance.
Im currently 8 months pregnant, suffering from HG and being very poorly with this pregnancy. I feel very insecure. Not in how I look or our relationship but just with anxiety that I am failing and draining the life out of us all.
Now I dont know if this is contributing to it or not but I feel like paying for a woman to slap her vagina in his face is cheating. I never expected it to feel like this, my ex went to a strip club before and it didnt effect me at all.

Am I wrong for viewing it like this? How do I get over it and move passed it? My husband is very apologetic and didnt think I would view it like this.

OP posts:

Feelingparanoid · 05/10/2021 15:04

No, you are not wrong in viewing it the way you do. Your feelings are valid and you shouldn't have to deny them or try to get over them.

Your feelings about strip clubs have changed because you have changed - you're pregnant now and you have a different outlook on life. It's entirely normal to change like this over time.

As for your partner, I would like to say that a strip club can be the slippery slope to worse.

Malibu19880 · 05/10/2021 15:06

People will have differing views on this. YOU are the one who decides whether you feel this is cheating or not as only you know your own relationship boundaries.

He said he wouldn't be getting a private dance but then he did...that to me sounds like a betrayal of your trust so I personally believe you have every right to feel how you feel. I wouldn't put up with it.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 05/10/2021 15:09

I would feel the same as you - I would see it as a betrayal

Your H initially said he wouldn't be getting a private dance so he must have known (or had an idea) how you felt about it -but he went ahead and did it anyway

I would think much less of my DP if he did this - in fact for me it would be a dealbreaker - but I appreciate that lots of people would be ok with it. I'm not ok with it and it doesn't sound as though you are either.

MrMrsJones · 05/10/2021 15:09

He said he wouldn't, then he did...

I expect he thought he would just fob you off and you would be fine, your not! Now what?

MrsBertBibby · 05/10/2021 15:14

Of course you are entitled to feel this way.

If my partner did this we would be over. It's disgusting. The fact you don't even feel confident to say so merely demonstrates the repulsive state of our porn-sick rape-culture riddled society.

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 15:16

I feel like it's cheating but my partner also knows that if he went to a strip club our relationship would be over. We've discussed boundaries.

Did you discuss with him what your boundaries were, knowing where he was going?

PlantDoctor · 05/10/2021 15:17

I would hate it. Really disgusting to me. I'd consider it cheating if you'd made your feelings clear.

Naunet · 05/10/2021 15:17

I think it’s cheating too, and I think if most men came home to find a naked man grinding against his wife, they’d feel the same. The money exchanged and environment makes no difference to the actions being carried out to me.

Riada · 05/10/2021 15:20

‘Cheating ’ would be a side issue for me, but I wouldn’t remain married to someone who thought it was ok to pay for the use of a woman’s body, and to contribute his presence and his cash to an industry that exploits, objectifies and degrades women.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2021 15:20

Paying for a private dance is cheating in my book. Your husband is a pig.

FallonBeesley · 05/10/2021 15:21

A private dance is disgusting and I would also be horrified if DH went against my wishes and paid for that. How disrespectful and degrading.

JaninaDuszejko · 05/10/2021 15:21

I'd be more upset about DH going to a strip club and having a private dance than if he'd had an affair. If you have to pay a woman to do something sexual for you it's not consensual and that is far worse than an affair. It suggests that not only does he not respect your feelings, he doesn't respect any woman, he just view us as bodies for his enjoyment.

Constellationstation · 05/10/2021 15:25

I could cope with the strip club part but paying for a private dance would really upset me

smallybells · 05/10/2021 15:26

I'd be upset too OP! Going to the strip club as part of a stag do seems fairly standard nowadays - however paying for a private dance is not. He's basically decided he finds one dancer attractive enough to pay over the odds to have the goods shaken about! Personally this would be the line for me. If you'd already discussed it and agreed that wouldn't happen, then he did it - he has shown that he valued that moment over your feelings and agreement in all honesty.

Is he apologetic that he did it, or that he upset you? They're very different things IMO.

BurntO · 05/10/2021 15:27

I’d feel a bit grim if he had entered a strip climb but getting a dance I would consider cheating, yes.

FancyLampshade · 05/10/2021 15:28

No you’re not being unreasonable. First, however you feel is however you feel, and you’re totally entitled to acknowledge that.

Second, he said he wouldn’t and then did. So whatever the ‘thing’ in question, he broke your trust.

Third, on a personal level, I completely agree and think it absolutely makes sense to class this as cheating. Ok if someone finds themselves at a place with people stripping in stage for an audience, that’s one thing. But enjoying an intimate dance from a naked woman – it would be cheating if money wasn’t changing hands, and adding the grubby transactional element doesn’t elevate it into something less sexual and sleazy with another real life person.

Different relationships are different – maybe this bothered you now because your relationship is based on a different, safer type of bond? Because you feel more like a family? I’ve watched porn with boyfriends in the past but tried to do it once with my DP (who I’m very attracted to and happy to experiment with) and it just felt wrong and bleak and sleazy.

I would talk this through with your DP. It sounds like this has surprised both of you, so you may be able to recover with lots of talking and listening to each other to get back on the same page. Tell him honestly how you feel and go from there. I would feel repelled by it as well OP.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 05/10/2021 15:30

I've been to a strip club with a partner and had a private dance.
The thing that would bother me here is, you agreed beforehand that he wouldn't have a private dance. You could look at it as he told you the truth when he could have lied, but you are definitely not being unreasonable to be upset because he moved the goal posts without consulting you. That is a breach of trust. I wouldn't say it was a 'LTB' offence but I'd definitely be putting across how strongly I felt about him going against what you had agreed. Once trust has been shaken it's very difficult so make sure he knows how important it is to you. If he attempts to make a habit out of this sort of behaviour then show him the door. You do not want a life without mutual respect.

SlamLikeAGuitar · 05/10/2021 15:30

What people consider cheating is something personal and unique to each relationship.
If he told you he wasn’t going to have a private dance because he knows you wouldn’t be comfortable with it, and then did it anyway, you have every right to be upset about it.

Babdoc · 05/10/2021 15:33

I don’t think I could remain living with a man who regards women as pieces of meat to be rented for his sexual gratification.
Whether you deem it cheating or not, his vile attitude toward women would be a deal breaker for me. And to do that while you were pregnant is adding insult to injury.

crochetmonkey74 · 05/10/2021 15:34

for me this would be a deal breaker - I would consider it cheating too.

It's the saying he wouldn't then doing it anyway- not to mention the whole deeply troublesome fact these clubs exist or the conditions loads of the women are putting up with- gross

Buildingthefuture · 05/10/2021 15:59

Meh…..my DH has been a couple of times (in 16 years) I’m not arsed about the boobs in his face bit, I just think that’s fucking tragic, but I AM bothered that a lot of these women are being exploited and abused.
Had this conversation with DH recently - the exploitative nature of strip clubs etc had never really crossed his mind, nor had the thought about what these women ACTUALLY think about the sad bastards they are dancing for. Personally, I don’t see it as a betrayal of me, more just a shit thing to do to people who may be vulnerable or being exploited.
If however, you told him it would be a deal breaker for YOU then you need to stick to that because he agreed not to do it, then did it anyway.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/10/2021 16:00

No, YANBU, he’s a bastard.

Sakurami · 05/10/2021 16:53

Even going to a strip club would possibly be grounds for splitting up. No way would I say with a sleazy wanker who paid for a woman to dance naked in front of him.

MilduraS · 05/10/2021 17:31

If it bothers you, it's bothers you. There's nothing unreasonable about it. My DH has ended up at strip clubs for a stag do and I've never worried about it. I think I'd be ok if he enjoyed them and paid for a private dance but I say that knowing he finds strip clubs really awkward and unsexy. My answer might be very different if it actually happened.

Isanyholeagoal · 05/10/2021 17:47

I had this very conversation with my DP a few days ago and told him in no uncertain terms that a private dance in a strip club would be a deal breaker for me. He would be out on his ass. I could deal with him going into one as part of a stag do (wouldn’t be happy about it but wouldnt expect him to be the only one not going) but a private dance to me is cheating.

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