Ever breakup with your group of friends??

[neverornow]

Did you ever break up with your group of friends? Did you feel like you were grieving and dealing with rejection all at the same time? I have other friends and a busy family life but the void feels huge. They were my core ‘clique’ and we go back 20+ years.

Social media doesn’t help. I’ve just muted them all. Seeing the girls night out pictures is like taking a bullet. Plus I think they’re upping the ante with lovey dovey comments to each other lately aswell.

Any advice on how to move on once and for all? This has been brewing for a few years. I think I've even posted about it on here before.
I invested far too much over the years. It was 100% the right thing to have walked away but I just can’t seem to move on properly. Not seeing their interactions on social media will help hopefully. I got over an ex boyfriend quicker than this fgs!

Will someone give me a good virtual shake and help me cop myself on please LOL

I did, or rather, was pushed out. Similarly, a close knit group going back 20+ years.

One of them had been abusive. Unfortunately he was very clever and convincing, and I struggle with mental illness, so most of them believed him.

A few years later, it still hurts, but like any kind of grief, it gets easier to live with. Throwing yourself into something new (project or hobby) might help, or even moving to a new area.

Hi there. I've started a few threads recently about friendships, including being left out of activities of a friendship group. If you can be bothered, search by my name and there may be some useful advice in there for you.

Just here to say I feel the same, you aren’t alone. The history is huge and stops you breaking it off. I had a traumatic thing happen to me last month that’s tipped me over the edge and given me the strength to just not reply.

Sending love to you, stay strong x

I got pushed out of a 30 yr friendship group, thanks to my sister.

I was really really hurt at the time. A few years on, it's OK. I realise that no one of them were true friends, they were more social acquaintances and being at school together was really all we had in common anymore.

But come off SM. It's just not worth seeing. I've really embraced life without it.

I'm in the same position. Break up happened at the beginning of the year, during lockdown, and hurt like hell. Friends for nearly 30 years but I had been feeling increasingly pushed out for the last couple of years.
I'm not normally an assertive person but various incidents during lockdown made me realise that I could no longer keep quiet about how I felt. It's been a horrible experience but I also realise now that my life is much calmer without all the tensions. The whole thing has made me feel like I'm back in the playground. Definitely avoid SM but I wish I could practice what I preach on that one!

Yes and I can't get over it. They are all lovely and we had such good times apart from one vindictive woman who causes massive scenes if anyone spends time with me in a group so that means I'm never invited on holidays, weekends away with the kids etc. Still really hurts 6 years on

Yup. Friend of 15 years + fell out with me after accusing me of being a liar and then sending me some appalling and vile messages. I hadn't lied and if I could have retrieved the messages she was referring to at the time then I would have proved it. We were part of a 4 girl friendship group. The other 2 girls still met up with her and I met up with them once after it happened. Didn't have an issue with them being friends with her, no reason for me to. Goodness knows what she said to them as they then suggested we take a break meeting up. They either wanted to be friends with me or they didn't, I'm not going to hang around and wait in the wind for them to decide, so I defriended them both on fbook and not heard from them since .I could have shared the vile messages she sent me, they would have been shocked. But I didn't.

I'm still angry about it. Especially after how she then went on to treat me after it all happened. Angry that she could treat me like that. Angry she accused me of lying and I hadn't. Angry for all the knock on trouble she tried to cause me. And angry that I never fort my say, for various reasons I couldn't say what I wanted to.

Did you fall out with them all?

Yes. DH and I were part of the same friendship group, and when we got together all the lads in the group got very territorial over him, said I was controlling him etc, as he didn't want to go drinking with him all the time.

We stopped talking, and if I'm honest, it was actually really difficult. For about a year I'd say we both felt a bit rejected and lost. DH insisted we invite them to our wedding, which I really didn't want to do, and they either didn't RSVP, or accepted then just didn't show.

Final straw, stopped us giving any fucks about them actually. But it did take time. I think it is a form of grief, why wouldn't it be? You're dealing with a loss, and that hurts. Give it time.

Literally, the same situation, 20+ years history with my friend group only to fall out over something so trivial!

At the end of the day, it's going to be sad and hard to deal with especially with the history behind it all but you can't force people to like you and I think anyone that can disregard you that easily wasn't a real friend, to begin with. For me, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Muting will help, I just stopped watching anyone's stories altogether, the saying "out of sight, out of mind" right?

Do you have other people or relationships to potentially focus on? x

Yep. Happened to me. I introduced a friend to my other group of friends and they buddies up and pushed me out. I deleted them all from social media. 4 years later it still hurts but I don’t think about it every day now

Yes, and honestly it's been absolutely worth it and 6 years on all I feel is relief. This was a group from childhood, very close, grew up together, joint birthday parties, holidays, had kids at the same time. It dawned on me just before the split that it had actually turned (for me anyway) into a toxic relationship and that when we went out I would come back feeling miserable and insecure. One of the group was always a bit spiteful and bitter and a last holiday was the absolute breaking point when enough was enough. I came home and eased myself away. No arguments, just didn't meet up with them anymore and let it drift. They do sometimes post their night outs and meet ups but this far on it doesn't bother me at all. Some friendships aren't made to last for life, they are for a certain period and then you move on. If it really bothers you, keep them muted or block them all. Why torture yourself. It's really really not worth wasting your life worrying over. I promise you it gets better and you won't give a shit soon

Yep!

Blocking on social media helps. Just don't even go there with viewing stories and comments and things. Got much easier after that

Yes - they all knew he was cheating on me while I was hospitalised for a miscarriage and not one had the courage to tell me.

Dumped him and dumped them too, I wouldn't want to be friends with a hunch of cowards and cheats x

Wow so many replies in a short space of time - I am so sorry to you all! It's a really lousy thing to go through.

My 'breakup' is embarrassing really. Given that we are all grown women. I challenged the matriarch of the group as she had a go at me out of nowhere over something really trivial. She had been really nasty and I quite rightly told her that I wasn't ok with how she treated me. She doesn't like being challenged as she is a bit of a Narc so she started excluding me gradually and the rest just followed her like sheep. I should have walked way then - so wish I had - but we had such a long history and our lives a bit intertwined. I am godmother to one of their little girls, our husbands are good friends, we live close to each other and all that. There was a toxic one in the group also and I am pretty sure she stirred things up in the early days but can't prove it.

I kept on trying and would meet up with the others seperately at first because I thought F it - why should the matriarch isolate me from my own friends. But it became one-sided after a while, with me making all the effort. They stopped replying to texts and barely congratulated me when I had DC2. I was still in a group chat with all of them for quite some time, hoping things would go back to normal but then realized there was second group chat going on with just me excluded. That hurt so bloody much.

During lockdown I left the group chat and messaged the Matriarch and explained I felt hurt and rejected and that I was moving on. Haven't heard from any of them since.

There was one that I was particularly close to. She stuck around for a while but it became awkward as I was so hurt and it started to consume me a bit. I vented to her a few times and had expected her to step in and try help smooth things over but she didn't want to be involved any drama. So I guess I pushed her away although I tried not to go on about it too much. She then had alot going on in her own personal life and we completely drifted. I miss her so godamn much. It's her that I am 'grieving'. The others I can live without and realize now that they are not true friends or even decent people.

I have 3 other good friends who are great but they don't live locally so only see them maybe once a year. And this whole thing has really affected my confidence. The rejection has made me feel like I wasn't a likeable person. I was scared to meet up with my other friends and even wary of meeting up with my SIL's who I am close to.

It's crazy because before all of this I was always so confident and easy going. I always had lots of friends in my 20's and made friends really easily.

But I think i'll get there eventually... A work colleagued asked to meet for lunch recently and I cried! I was so happy and relieved that someone actually wanted to see me again. It felt so good having plans with a gal pal like that again.

No more social media for me. As someone said 'out of sight out of mind' - It's the only way.

Thank you all for 'listening' and for your replies. For those still struggling...I came across the below online and it helps me on the days I feel sad about it all - hope it helps you too

20 Things to Remember When Rejection Hurts

@Neveratruerfriend - I will look up your posts, thank you

@BrilloPaddy - your sister? My god, a double blow. So sorry x

@BrendaBlessed let's go on a blocking spree together and reward ourselves with something when we manage to stay away for a week/month/year !

@snugglebum20 I know how you feel. You want to gather them all together and just scream your frustrations and release your hurt onto them. But apparently that's not the done thing!
I hope you have other friends and support. It's really shit!

Yes I fell out with a friend of ten years and subsequently lost all our mutual friends, I still miss them 3 years later and haven’t been able to fill the void with a new group of friends. And social media doesn’t help ☹️

Not exactly break up with but after years of being on the periphery and feeling hurt every time I was left out, I decided to stop bothering. Felt sooo much better.

One of many reasons I’m not on SM.

I got pushed out of my uni group by someone I thought was a very good friend but was instead backstabbing me and lying constantly so that everyone thought I was a needy bitchy loser because we were so close everyone took it for granted he was "in the know" when it came to what I said and thought. Also one of the girls and I had a mutual dislike and tolerated each other for the sake of the group and she helped him put me on the outside and told me I wasn't welcome on a group holiday I was excited for.

K you were a massive bitch. Twenty years later I would wipe the floor with you, you wouldn't stand a chance.

M you were probably a sociopath, I'd say I'd hope you'd change, but you were already so much older than us, carrying on like a puppet master and playing everybody off - you haven't changed, I'd wager.

Did you know X had a breakdown after uni? And you definitely contributed with your lies turning the girls against her.

Wankers.

I don't care if anyone recognises this. Thank you OP - that was cathartic.

Wankers is right @EineReiseDurchDieZeit
Glad that little rant helped you

Common dominator seems to be that one person takes issue and the rest just follow. I think in these group situations some folks like when there is a scapegoat or when it's not themselves in the firing line. Makes them feel safe. Shame on them! Weak f#$kers

Onwards and upwards I guess

It happened to me. I have a friend who is very controlling, never wrong and like another poster mentions, knows I suffer from mental health problems at times and exploits this so others believed and continue to believe him. I don't want to end it because I feel I will lose everyone else.