Ever breakup with your group of friends??

[neverornow]

Did you ever break up with your group of friends? Did you feel like you were grieving and dealing with rejection all at the same time? I have other friends and a busy family life but the void feels huge. They were my core ‘clique’ and we go back 20+ years.

Social media doesn’t help. I’ve just muted them all. Seeing the girls night out pictures is like taking a bullet. Plus I think they’re upping the ante with lovey dovey comments to each other lately aswell.

Any advice on how to move on once and for all? This has been brewing for a few years. I think I've even posted about it on here before.
I invested far too much over the years. It was 100% the right thing to have walked away but I just can’t seem to move on properly. Not seeing their interactions on social media will help hopefully. I got over an ex boyfriend quicker than this fgs!

Will someone give me a good virtual shake and help me cop myself on please LOL

Hi, hope you are well, just come across your thread and was wondering how you are getting on and what helped you move on? I’m currently going through it. Last week I finally decided to cut ties with 2 friend from a group of 4 of us as it’s been toxic for years. I could of written your post as it’s exactly what we where all like x

I had a group of friends consisting of a bunch of sisters and a couple of others. Well my ex decided to shit stir between me and one of the sisters, saying I'd slagged her off when I hadn't and that was it. Friendship ruined. Instead of believing me, the entire family turned on me and has spent the last year harrassing me and abusing me via social media, even going so far as to laugh when a close friend of mine died, they've used my mental health against me and contacted social services to try and have my children removed. Luckily SS knew it was a malicious report.
I've blocked them all but they make new accounts just to harrass me.
They've turned out to be a really nasty bunch. How I didn't see it before I dont know. They're clearly not nice and not the kind of people I want to be friends with anyway.

It takes one mean/jealous person in the group - they can make other members afraid they might be kicked out. Most people sadly won't take a stand. There are a lot of weak people being passive in these situations who will just not speak up. I guess it is human nature to want to be part of the group. But those kind of groups are not worth being part of. Be proud you got kicked out.

Hi @Pollyrightnow it’s takes guts to walk away and @smellyolebum just nailed it in her response - this is what happened to me. I crossed the matriarch by, quite rightly, challenging her on something when she had been horrible to me. Where you would expect me (who was essentially the victim) to have got the support of the group they instead followed the matriarch like sheep. I became the scapegoat and it made the others feel nice and safe. And I'm talking about smart, highly educated women - it was pathetic.

I think I am making progress with moving on. Removing them from social media and not seeing pictures them all on their nights out together has helped so far - out of sight out of mind and all that.

Not long after I wrote the original post I sat down and wrote a list of the pros and cons of being their friend. And realized I had not enjoyed being part of the group for a long, long time. It was toxic. They were toxic. Seeing it in black and white really confirmed again for me that I’d made the right decision. So I just keep reminding myself of that.

I also found the below online which I have read dozens of times now and it help. Particularly the first line

https://www.marcandangel.com/2021/03/28/20-things-to-remember-when-rejection-hurts/

Stay strong and pop on here anytime if you need a vent or some advice. Lots of great responses here in this thread alone

Don’t let these arseholes dent your confidence. It is so obvious that you are a nice person. Someone else in that group will fall victim to the matriarch and she will get her comeuppance eventually x

@neverornow thank you for responding. I think I’ve read over this thread a million times to keep myself from believing it’s the right thing. I was starting to become them and that’s when I new I needed to get out. I know they will be slating me and all sort now. I’ve deleted them of SM. I have my partner and 2 boys and other family and friends. Just so hard when I spoke to them everyday and we where always doing stuff I.e shopping, out with our kids, looking after each other’s kids, on the phone constantly. But like you there is always one in the group that goes back and forth. Well she done it to me for the last time and I decided that was it. Thank you again. This thread has really helped xx

Both my husband and I have experienced being shoved out of a friendship group when we split up with our then partners. As I have often seen happening the more charismatic partner "gets" the friends and has sufficient kudos in the group to engineer the exclusion. My ex is an OK person but very selfish and entitled, but because he is entertaining and funny he has a higher value than someone like me (a kind and loyal introvert).

Husband's ex-wife was a really nasty person but again, life and soul of the party and people used to flock around her while she "held court". When they divorced (she met someone else) she ended up with all the friends even though some of them had been friends of my husband since school days. She turned on some of the others when they displeased her and pushed them out of the group in turn. I do wonder if this opened their eyes or maybe some people never see someone's true colours because they remain so totally dazzled by their charisma.

I am part of a group of 7 close friends. We all met when we started college at 16, at a time when I needed some good friends. We have never fallen out, thankfully but there are times of course when we might roll our eyes at each other from afar but I think that's natural - I consider myself extremely lucky to still have such a close group of friends and none of us are exactly who we were at 16 (we are now all approaching mid 40's). We have been through so many things together and supported each other through illnesses, relationship and marriage breakdowns, bereavements, etc.

I guess the closest I have got is with my uni friends. We are still friends but when my exh and I separated very suddenly, I was a bit disappointed in the lack of support past the initial first few weeks. I guess it's times like that you find out who your true friends are and although we'll always (hopefully) be friends, I did take a step back after that.

Me and my friends don't use SM much but I think staying away or deleting them from it is a healthy thing to do. It's all bull*hit anyway - I know that when I do use it it's only for the things I want others to see.

It happened to me and took me about 3 years to get over it. Even my dad told me before it happened that I needed to get myself some new friends.

With hindsight, it was really a great thing. I have lovely friends now, and am super happy. But it hurts like hell while you are in the middle of it all.

@smellyolebum you are so right! One jealous person! This happened to me!

Still hurts 4 years later… it really shakes everything up doesn’t it, I questioned everything about my character. There is comfort in seeing how many others have been through it too, and moved forward with their lives . Just left such a huge gap!

I did, with group of uni friends. It has taken me nearly the same amount of time the friendships actually lasted to feel able to look back dispassionately, without feeling as hurt. I can see now that simply put they weren’t very nice people or they wouldn’t have dropped me. I moved away, had a sick child, we were broke. Not available for ski trips, city breaks etc, and no longer had any status. Was hurtful when I heard vague news a few years later of one getting married, another one having a baby. I would have thought there would be some interest and concern from them over the years for my child who has issues, but not at alI. I can see though that it’s partly on me for not being a good judge of character, I’m not competitive, envious, shallow or a snob I hope so why did I spend so much time over the years with women who were like that without really noticing their flaws. Not on social media so that helped to move on. Genuinely now I feel like I was kind of liberated, freed from their judgements, I can see how constrained I felt trying to be someone they approved of. They can fuck off now, I would have no interest in any of them.

Hi, I haven’t read the full thread. I realised about four years ago that my oldest friends were not people that I had anything in common with anymore. Our political differences were huge and they had an inability to listen to anyone who wasn’t totally absorbed in the things they were interested in. I found myself just spending the entire evening listening to two or three of them with the rest of us barely able to get a word in. The end came for me when they started to take the piss out of Rosie Jones and Francesca Martinez and I realised that no matter how much history I had with these people I could no longer call them my friends.

I do occasionally miss them and the shared history but mostly I’m relieved!

@ruby456 - thank you for your contribution. I am so happy to hear you felt liberated

@Pollyrightnow - you are a good person. It's their loss. Chin up girl you've done the right thing x

It is grief and I still feel sad and sorry for losing a long standing friendship group.
But for a very long time things hadn't been right and we were no longer compatible.

It was the worst breakup I have ever been through. The main person I miss from the friendship group and I had been through so much together in our teenage years, we were extremely close, sometimes the sense of loss is overpowering.

It has been 10 years since we were close and things were good. 6 years since I cut all contact and blocked them on everything. I think it will always be a sore spot. And the friendship group will never be replaced for me as I'm not in a position to meet a new friendship group anymore I don't think.

@neverornow yes you are right. I just have one thing really playing on my mind. Before I decided to pull away from the group the one girls was saying really nasty stuff via messages to me about the other girl also saying stuff about her children. Well the girl thinks it’s all me being awkward and nasty and she’s all friendly as ever with the said girl that’s been saying stuff about her. Do I tell get and show her exactly what’s been said or is that just asking for trouble? Do I just leave them get on with it 😩

@Pollyrightnow I would just let them get on with it. Be the better person and let them pretend that all is rosey in the garden. You know the truth. But when you're feeling down about it all or grieving the way I used to - just remind yourself of what you know in terms of their backstabbing and horrible comments about one another and remember that you are no longer at risk of being backstabbed or made feel crap...and you will again feel glad you walked away.

I too know lots of secrets and could pull the rug from under my ex group of friends but I never bothered. I want to keep my integrity in tact and I expect that they will all eventually screw each other over anyway. Or screw each other's husbands (seriously...!)

I can't believe how many of us have gone through this. Onwards and upwards we are the better people!

@BrilliantBetty that's the hardest part - at this stage in our lives it's unlikely we will find or form another group of friends like our ex groups. And it is/was lovely to have a group of people to share experiences, memories, coffee and play dates etc with. Unfortunately for us we just chose the wrong people and/or simply cannot tolerate toxic behaviour as well as others seem to be able to.

I wonder how many people there are out there who have remained in toxic groups just for the sake of having the all important group of friends? And how miserable they probably feel? Life is too short. It just isn't worth it

@neverornow thank you so much. You are so right in what you’ve said. The backstabbing and awful comments are just another prove that they are not friends. The one reckons it’s normal to say stuff about each other and still be ok 😳 but you are right it’s not worth saying anything. I’ll feel better for 5 mins then I’ll be right back in the drama and it will be me in the wrong. Although it’s horrible what these friends do it’s reassuring to known we are not on our own 🥰

I've been there and it sucks. I'm so sorry.

@ruby456 both my dbro and I have dds with sn and have experienced being pushed out of two different friendship groups. I think for some people as a parent of a dc with sn you become different and a hassle to bother with.

Yes, I used to be part of a group of 4 very close girlfriends, until I was assaulted by one of their husband's when he was drunk. I cannot and will not tolerate violence, despite my 'friends' telling me to forget it and let it go, I couldn't. I couldn't forgive them either for tolerating and accepting such behaviour towards me and so I was ghosted.

That was 2 years ago now. It hurt like hell, grief, loneliness, anger, disbelief. I blocked them on all social media, joined a new fitness group, took up a new hobby and tried to start new friendships. I still dont have that number of friends but I do have 2 lovely deepened friendships. Time is a great healer, as is karma - my old friend was recently divorced by the husband that assaulted me. I wish them all the best but feel far richer without the drama and disingenuous women

That is horrific @cjpark whatever about being passive or turning a blind eye to a bit of backstabbing but a violent assault? Shame on them all! That must have been so difficult for you. Talk about a double blow.

Some of these stories sound like exclusion bullying. The secret WhatsApp is classic. You’re right to stand up to it, and they should be ashamed for behaving like nasty school children. No excuse for adults to behave like this. You’ll find better friends

Litthefirealready you did the right thing. take care; I hope you find friends with a shared set of values where you feel home.