Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf's response to conversation about future together

61 replies

sunnyside303 · 03/10/2021 18:29

Hi everyone,

I'm just looking for some thoughts on my bf's response to a conversation I initiated this weekend.

Background: I am 31, he is 32. My last relationship was with an emotionally unavailable, avoidant man. I thought I wanted a future with him but whenever I tried to broach the subject he would deflect or use humour to get out of it. I lived in hope but after 2 years I asked him about building a future and settling down together. He said that was what he wanted and then three weeks later dumped me.

Whilst that relationship ending was absolutely the right thing, I am wary of repeating the same mistake again and wasting more of my time. I have been with my current bf nearly 6 months and all seems well - we see each other twice a week, get on well, have met each other's family and friends etc and have spent extended time together - we had a week away together in June and have just come back from a 5 day staycation. We also make medium term plans eg we have booked tickets to a comedy show in January and he is talking about going on holiday with another couple next year.

I realise it is early days to be talking about the future with him but I think after 6 months you should know whether or not you want to be with someone? Anyway, I spoke to him this weekend about whether he saw settling down/marriage/kids etc in our future if things continue to go well - making it clear that I don't expect these things now/in the near future - and he said he doesn't see why not but we are still getting to know each other and that marriage is important to him but he is also wary of making the wrong choice due to his friends' experiences (2 out of his 5 close friends were divorced by 25).

Due to my past experience I am not sure whether this is a non-committal answer or not, or whether I can reasonably expect more of a certain answer after 6 months? I am also aware that he could tell me all the things I want to hear and still not mean them so maybe I shouldn't set too much store by this? I suppose as I am now into my 30s I am not here to just 'have fun' - my clock is ticking and I would like a family life with someone with whom I'm compatible.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 03/10/2021 18:34

I think that at six months his answer is not entirely unreasonable. Has he had successful long term relationships before?

MintJulia · 03/10/2021 18:34

After 6 months, I think that was quite a sensible and considered answer, if perhaps not very romantic.

You've made your point, been open about what you want long term, now enjoy the next 6-12 months, grow closer and see where it goes. I think it'll be obvious by then.

shivermetimbers77 · 03/10/2021 18:35

I think his answer sounds pretty sensible and reasonable: however, if he is still saying the same thing in two years, not so good! I would say relax and give it time OP.

ElspethFlashman · 03/10/2021 18:39

I think after 6 months it's reasonable to be making medium term plans but fairly unusual to be making forever plans.

It's not that it doesn't happen (my colleague, 40, is not even going to be 12 months with her DP before they walk down the aisle) but those cases are outliers.

With my DH, I knew by 3 months, but was no fool and probably would have given the same answer at 6 months, a sort of "don't see why not if we keep going as we are" answer.

However after Year 1 those conversations did start to take a different tone and we had "an understanding" by 18 months in. And got engaged at the 2 year mark.

So I'd relax a bit so far, but that said if there's been nothing by 18 months then I'd start to get concerned. In your 30s you don't have years to waste.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 03/10/2021 22:41

Thanks everyone for your replies, this is reassuring! He has had long term relationships before and I think you're right, it is a measured and reasoned response given the amount of time we've spent together. I will reassess a little later down the line. Thanks again!

OP posts:
Peach01 · 03/10/2021 22:54

I think it's a sensible answer. He sees it in his future, you know he's not unavailable or shut off. I would take that as a positive.
See how things progress over the next 6 months. Given you're both in your 30s and you'd be together for a year I would expect it to evolve in some way, whether it's making plans or even seeing plans through.

I wasted years with someone who didn't want to commit to anything. It felt teenage. When I met DP I knew what time frame I was willing to give. It did naturally evolve quite quickly. A part of me misses the days before commitments when we were carefree. Enjoy your time together and make the most of it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/10/2021 23:37

His answer sounds sensible to me especially if you're both generally sensible and communicate well. Keep doing what you're doing and keep talking!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 03/10/2021 23:46

He sounds great!
After six months which is still early days anything more enthusiastic would be ott and possible love bombing. He is open to the idea if things continue to go as well as they have so far, so a future remains on the table. That's perfect.

Keepitonthedownlow · 04/10/2021 22:52

Do you love him and vice versa?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/10/2021 23:22

I was in a similar boat about 3/4 years ago.

He is now my DH Grin

I think he sounds good! his response is real/honest (he is avoidant and he isn't just telling you what you want to hear)
his actions and your longer term plans show you are committed and 6 months is still early-ish days

Anordinarymum · 05/10/2021 00:10

@sunnyside303

Hi everyone,

I'm just looking for some thoughts on my bf's response to a conversation I initiated this weekend.

Background: I am 31, he is 32. My last relationship was with an emotionally unavailable, avoidant man. I thought I wanted a future with him but whenever I tried to broach the subject he would deflect or use humour to get out of it. I lived in hope but after 2 years I asked him about building a future and settling down together. He said that was what he wanted and then three weeks later dumped me.

Whilst that relationship ending was absolutely the right thing, I am wary of repeating the same mistake again and wasting more of my time. I have been with my current bf nearly 6 months and all seems well - we see each other twice a week, get on well, have met each other's family and friends etc and have spent extended time together - we had a week away together in June and have just come back from a 5 day staycation. We also make medium term plans eg we have booked tickets to a comedy show in January and he is talking about going on holiday with another couple next year.

I realise it is early days to be talking about the future with him but I think after 6 months you should know whether or not you want to be with someone? Anyway, I spoke to him this weekend about whether he saw settling down/marriage/kids etc in our future if things continue to go well - making it clear that I don't expect these things now/in the near future - and he said he doesn't see why not but we are still getting to know each other and that marriage is important to him but he is also wary of making the wrong choice due to his friends' experiences (2 out of his 5 close friends were divorced by 25).

Due to my past experience I am not sure whether this is a non-committal answer or not, or whether I can reasonably expect more of a certain answer after 6 months? I am also aware that he could tell me all the things I want to hear and still not mean them so maybe I shouldn't set too much store by this? I suppose as I am now into my 30s I am not here to just 'have fun' - my clock is ticking and I would like a family life with someone with whom I'm compatible.

Any thoughts?

Why on earth would you want to be asking questions like this after only six months in?

Just enjoy what you have in the now and forget the rest.

altmember · 05/10/2021 00:51

There was a thread on here earlier where a woman was told told spending £200 on her partner (of 4 months) birthday was excessive. So I expect the idea of talking about marriage and children after 6 months will get a similar response.

Personally, I think it varies depending on the nature and progress of the relationship and the people in it. I can see your position - your body clock is ticking, and you don't want to waste time on a dead end relationship, but talk of marriage and kids can be enough to make a bloke run for the hills, even years into a relationship!

But you only see him a couple of times a week. That's firmly still in honeymoon phase of things. Neither of you have any idea what you're like to live with full time. If you're both serious then 6 months it might be an appropriate time to discuss moving in together. And then you should probably live together for at least a year before thinking about marriage, and even longer before baby making.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 05/10/2021 02:22

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask, you would want to know now if he didn't want to have children or get married in the future.

I'd give him a year for your relationship to naturally progress and if all goes well a further year of living together before reassessing.

If you feel he's not wanting to progress at the same rate as you by then I would walk away and look for someone else who was upfront about also wanting marriage and children in X amount of years - things going well obviously.

Gothichouse40 · 05/10/2021 02:49

I dated my husband for two years before we got married. I wouldnt have been looking for that kind of commitment after just six months.

missnevermind · 05/10/2021 03:02

I think it was a good answer.
Even if he wanted to he couldn't just jump in and say yes as that might scare you off.
You seem to be on the same page, you have tried each other out for a while and both like what you see so far. So you are both willing to continue to make it a long term relationship, with a permanent relationship being the goal it you both agree.

My sister has the opposite conversations. She does not want a wedding and kids. She does not even want to share her home but likes having somebody to date. So she has to make sure that any new partner understands not to stick around hoping that this is her expectation too as many seem to feel that everybody wants a family.

1forAll74 · 05/10/2021 03:47

Your man , probably does not wish to have conversations about your long term future yet, you have not known him for very long. There is a lot to learn about a new partner and how his past has been, and not just saying that he has known other people who have fallen apart and got divorced etc. I would not be making decisions about a future with a man after six months.

Eesha · 05/10/2021 04:08

I think its a bit early but maybe this is also a good chance for you to view him and see whether he fits into your life long term. I think at least he isn't lovebombing and his actions seem like he's not going anywhere. See how the next few months go

CoatOfCharms · 05/10/2021 04:44

Seems reasonable to me but if your clock is ticking perhaps suggest a future date for ttc so that you both have a clear goal in mind - that's what DH and I did.

I said to him at 6 months "I know it's early days still but I think things are going really great and I can see a future with you. Let's continue getting to know each other and if we feel the same in one year I'd like to start ttc as my clock is ticking. But let's spend this next year really making the most of being childfree - travel, party, etc!"

9 months later he proposed and 3 months after that we started ttc as planned. We're now married with 2 DC.

litterbird · 05/10/2021 05:04

Instead of asking him whether “he” saw you both settling down and having kids….why couldn’t you just say upfront that “you” are looking to settle down and have kids. Why pussy foot around this when it’s important? Be frank from the get go so he knows what you want. If he is right for you this conversation won’t scare him. You have now just handed him an option to contemplate, ruminate and that old chestnut “maybe one day soon etc etc”. You have even given him the get out clause when you said “don’t expect these things now or in the near future”…then when??? Your near future may not align with his concept. You’ve given him all the power in this relationship now to ummm and ahhh at his convenience because you haven’t told him exactly what you want and when. Take your power back and be truthful with him and make yourself heard as to what “you” want and the wait you are willing to accept, if he bolts then he isn’t right for you.

AgentJohnson · 05/10/2021 06:35

These two statements that you made in your OP are in conflict.

I spoke to him this weekend about whether he saw settling down/marriage/kids etc in our future if things continue to go well - making it clear that I don't expect these things now/in the near future.

I suppose as I am now into my 30s I am not here to just 'have fun' - my clock is ticking and I would like a family life with someone with whom I'm compatible.

You can’t say one thing to him publicly and get anxious when it doesn’t match your private thoughts.

Personally, I’d revisit the subject in 6 months but be very clear what your expectations are I.e don’t pretend to be cool with a situation when you’re not.

Original poster
sunnyside303 · 05/10/2021 06:45

@litterbird oh god you've got me worried now. I did say that I wanted marriage and kids within the next couple of years but maybe that was too vague...

@AgentJohnson well I'm not ready to settle down with him yet but I just wanted to know we are on the same page in terms of what we want out of the relationship if it continues to go well and that I'm not a 'placeholder' as I was with my ex.

Argh I feel pretty stressed about it now. I wish I could go back in time and do it again so I could be more clear about what I want and get a more definite answer from him

OP posts:
DazzleDrops · 05/10/2021 06:47

I think it's best to be very honest with relationship questions and what your hopes and expectations are. I agree with @litterbird about giving him all the power in your relationship. (This may be doing him a disservice as he may be genuinely very cautious.)

(The grandpa of one of my friends told us many years ago if a man doesn't propose within 2 years then he never will. Old fashioned maybe but IME true!)

Apparentlystillchilled · 05/10/2021 07:06

@dazzledrops- not in my experience! We met at 20 and got married when I was 29! Now been together 25 years and all is good. My sister was with her DH for 5 years before they got engaged and my brother proposed about 4 years. Maybe my family are just slow burners?

Suprima · 05/10/2021 07:30

A measured answer- but if he’s not suggesting you move in together, or at least making plans for that within another 6 months- he isn’t interested.

Also, change your future dialogue to ‘I want this’ or ‘When I get married’. You have basically exposed all of your cards by telling him you want to marry and have children with him. For some men, this would be a green light for their effort to plummet and their behaviour to get shittier because they know that they have you invested now.

Suprima · 05/10/2021 07:32

So yeah- keep an eye. A lot of people will be ‘go girl’-ing you, but I think you have made a huge misstep.

Keep an eye out for behavioural changes and a lack of effort.

Swipe left for the next trending thread