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Original poster

Bf's response to conversation about future together

61 replies

sunnyside303 · 03/10/2021 18:29

Hi everyone,

I'm just looking for some thoughts on my bf's response to a conversation I initiated this weekend.

Background: I am 31, he is 32. My last relationship was with an emotionally unavailable, avoidant man. I thought I wanted a future with him but whenever I tried to broach the subject he would deflect or use humour to get out of it. I lived in hope but after 2 years I asked him about building a future and settling down together. He said that was what he wanted and then three weeks later dumped me.

Whilst that relationship ending was absolutely the right thing, I am wary of repeating the same mistake again and wasting more of my time. I have been with my current bf nearly 6 months and all seems well - we see each other twice a week, get on well, have met each other's family and friends etc and have spent extended time together - we had a week away together in June and have just come back from a 5 day staycation. We also make medium term plans eg we have booked tickets to a comedy show in January and he is talking about going on holiday with another couple next year.

I realise it is early days to be talking about the future with him but I think after 6 months you should know whether or not you want to be with someone? Anyway, I spoke to him this weekend about whether he saw settling down/marriage/kids etc in our future if things continue to go well - making it clear that I don't expect these things now/in the near future - and he said he doesn't see why not but we are still getting to know each other and that marriage is important to him but he is also wary of making the wrong choice due to his friends' experiences (2 out of his 5 close friends were divorced by 25).

Due to my past experience I am not sure whether this is a non-committal answer or not, or whether I can reasonably expect more of a certain answer after 6 months? I am also aware that he could tell me all the things I want to hear and still not mean them so maybe I shouldn't set too much store by this? I suppose as I am now into my 30s I am not here to just 'have fun' - my clock is ticking and I would like a family life with someone with whom I'm compatible.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Keepitonthedownlow · 05/10/2021 07:56

I think, at your age, within six months you should tentatively making plans for living together and ttc. You should also know if you're falling in love by now. If not, it suggests a mismatch or difference in priorities. If he wants to be casual then keep your options open. Please don't let your child bearing years slip away.

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2021 08:16

I think that’s a great answer and if someone asked me after six months if I thought I’d marry them and habe kids with them I have to be honest I’d run for the hills.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 05/10/2021 08:22

I met my OH when I was 31. I asked him to move in with me 3 months later. I don't have form for that but I knew this relationship was very different. He was no quite as ready as me to move in together but the way he said no did tell me that it was just too early for him and not a lack of likely future together. He moved in after we'd been together about 7 months. We've been together for 17 years now and have 2 kids.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 05/10/2021 08:22

Sorry meant to add that I heard your BFs comments in very much the same vein. He is not wanting to rush things but he very much sees a future with you unless things change between you.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 05/10/2021 08:24

I had this conversation straight away when I first met my ex at 40. I.e. do you ultimately want to settle down and have kids if this works out or are you looking for a fling? He told me all the things he thought I wanted to hear but which were blatantly untrue and then told me about his vasectomy once I was well and truly hooked.

I think his answer was great - honest and yet not seeking to run ahead or raise expectations.

Doidontimmm · 05/10/2021 08:25

@DazzleDrops I don’t know anyone the 2 year thing applies to! I think that’s an old wives tale.

ShuddaBeenMe · 05/10/2021 08:46

@Keepitonthedownlow

This is way too soon. 6 months is a new relationship.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/10/2021 08:55

I think, at your age, within six months you should tentatively making plans for living together and ttc. op really shouldn't be planning to ttc with a guy 6 months in, and I say this as someone who was engaged and living together at 6 months!

@sunnyside303 you say twice a week. What does that translate into? Dinner and a movie and sex twice a week or whole weekends together just being together? I'd focus on increasing the time you have together for now

layladomino · 05/10/2021 09:17

I would be scared to death if someone started talking about moving in, marriage or children after 6 months. That is very early in a relationship to be anywhere close to knowing, for most relationships at least. I appreciate that's my own personal position but I don't think I'm that unusual.

But knowing where someone stands more generally on the position of those things (do you expect to marry one day / do you want children) is perfectly reasonable and sensible, so you don't waste time with someone who has very different plans and expectations.

I think his response was very sensible. If after 6 months he'd said he wanted to get married and have children I'd be more concerned (love bombing / immature romantic ideas / not really meaning it and just saying what you want to hear, would all be risks).

gannett · 05/10/2021 09:37

A measured answer- but if he’s not suggesting you move in together, or at least making plans for that within another 6 months- he isn’t interested.

Do you seriously believe that? Do you seriously believe it applies to all men? You seem very certain it's a definite rule of male behaviour.

Or are you just trying to scare an OP who's clearly a bit uncertain, despite the many reassuring responses she's received from other women in this thread?

Branleuse · 05/10/2021 09:41

I think hes given a sensible answer, and thats much better than your exes "people pleasing" answer.
Its not easy when youve come out of a relationship where someone says what they think you want to hear just to avoid conflict but it isnt what they really mean. It affects your trust in people, but I think what your current boyfriend said sounds like hes on the level and is enjoying your company and getting to know you and its all going in the right direction.
You cannot see into the future though, and would be stupid to start planning long term stuff or trying to pin down commitments to be a life partner at this stage. Try and enjoy it for what it is. This is for you as much as for him

MimiDaisy11 · 05/10/2021 09:50

I think it’s good to discuss these things early in a relationship. It’s not like you asked him to do these things just that if you were on the same page as to what you wanted.

People get into issues when they’ve been with a partner for years and then discover the person is never going to be interested in marriage and children. Much better to find out earlier.

ravenmum · 05/10/2021 10:00

I wish I could go back in time and do it again so I could be more clear about what I want and get a more definite answer from him
Just bring it up again. Either as "Oh, that thing I mentioned the other day? Just wanted to make sure you didn't misunderstand; what I meant was..." or by bringing it up again when you just happen to be talking about his friend's/parents'/favourite film star's marriage.

ravenmum · 05/10/2021 10:03

I do agree with Suprima that the conversation should be about what you want, not what you want with him, as I disagree with the idea that "after 6 months you should know whether or not you want to be with someone" ... for your entire life? Nope.

pollypocketlover · 05/10/2021 10:30

he said he doesn't see why not but we are still getting to know each other and that marriage is important to him but he is also wary of making the wrong choice due to his friends' experiences (2 out of his 5 close friends were divorced by 25).

I think this is something to be wary of, men who use divorce happening around them as an excuse to put off getting married usually just don't want to marry you. 6 months in it's not necessary for him to know yet though. I would say it becomes an issue if there is no desire to marry/proposal after the two year mark.

SVRT19674 · 05/10/2021 11:22

When my dh and I met we made damned sure to each other we were not looking for casual flings and wanted marriage and a family. Why waste time on someone who isn't on the same page as you? We were 34 and 36 when we met.
His answer seems okayish to me, BUT, caveat. All this I am being careful because my best friends got a divorce when they were 10 years younger than I am now, sounds alarm bells. Who cares what your friends are o aren´t doing, you do your thing. He could also say he is happy to marry as most of his friends,·3 out of 5, have made a resounding success of it. But for some reason he is seeing the glass half full. Hmmmm. Revisit in 6 months time max.

IdblowJonSnow · 05/10/2021 12:12

I think this is a positive response. Sounds honest and considered.

Potential keeper! I had my kids at 34 and 38 with no issues so try not to stress - you're still young!

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2021 12:31

There’s a big difference between do you wish marriage and babies in the future and do you wish marriage and babies with me in th future. One is general the other is basically looking for commitment.

I’m really shocked someone wrote you should be ttc with someone you’ve known six months. What awful advice.

A relationship needs time to develop, to know each other, understand each other , for love to develop not just that initial in love period,,and it’s rare to be able to do that in a few short months.

The ops partner gave the right answer.

Suprima · 05/10/2021 12:40

@gannett

A measured answer- but if he’s not suggesting you move in together, or at least making plans for that within another 6 months- he isn’t interested.

Do you seriously believe that? Do you seriously believe it applies to all men? You seem very certain it's a definite rule of male behaviour.

Or are you just trying to scare an OP who's clearly a bit uncertain, despite the many reassuring responses she's received from other women in this thread?

It’s pretty failsafe, I’m afraid. I consider everyone’s overly short supportive advice and inherently unhelpful.

I centre my advice around what is best for the woman rather than giving men the benefit of the doubt and telling her about what she wants to hear.

Men who want you will attempt to take you off the market asap. If, in 6 months (so a year of dating), the relationship hasn’t progressed beyond meeting up twice a week and he has not initiated the process of living together, then he isn’t there for the long haul.

If they were 22 this would be a different story. They are both in their 30s.

He has also given her a pretty negative story about his friends being divooooorced so he needs to be really sure. When will he be sure? Sounds like he’s leading breadcrumbs for being emotionally available imo- but I don’t know the full story.

So I stick by what I said- give him 6 months. If he hasn’t brought up not living together, it’s not a goer.

gannett · 05/10/2021 13:30

*It’s pretty failsafe, I’m afraid. I consider everyone’s overly short supportive advice and inherently unhelpful.

I centre my advice around what is best for the woman rather than giving men the benefit of the doubt and telling her about what she wants to hear.

Men who want you will attempt to take you off the market asap. If, in 6 months (so a year of dating), the relationship hasn’t progressed beyond meeting up twice a week and he has not initiated the process of living together, then he isn’t there for the long haul.*

Failsafe my arse. It's a load of bollocks is what it is. (Evidence, my own relationship and actually, now I think about it, almost all of my friends'.)

"Men" are not a monolith. "Men" are not some weird other species who all know exactly what they want and how to get it after a half a year. And expressing uncertainty is not a signal that they're really manipulating you. People are allowed to be uncertain FGS. Even men.

pollypocketlover · 05/10/2021 15:43

@Suprima I agree. We're not talking about some twenty-something who doesn't know what they want from life, we're talking about a grown adult who has already spent six months with the OP. He should have an idea soon of whether he's fully serious or not about her. It's anecdotal, but in my experience the women who waited around for years, wanting to be married but their partners were 'unsure', were often left dissapointed in the end.

anthurium · 05/10/2021 15:58

@layladomino

I agree (but this is me in my new frame of 'mind' which is pregnant aged 39 and about to be solo parenting via a sperm donor).... I was very desperate to have children and wanted answers to all the big questions as soon as possible when I was frantically/desperately dating. Now, I couldn't care less if someone didn't want to have children with me (I was married before and no desire to do it again).

I'd never move in with someone so soon or want to be 'pushed' /manipulated into it by a partner...maybe the clock ticking is clouding things for Op?

ChickPeaSalad · 05/10/2021 16:09

@Anordinarymum

Because she's 31, wants marriage and kids, and doesn't want to waste time if the relationship has a clear expiration date with them both wanting different things. It's sensible.

OP, I'm not sure about this. I think if you're at a point in your life where you're clearly ready to find someone who you can marry and start a family with then you need to be more upfront about that.

When I met DH at 28 (he was 24) I was ready for kids and let him know on the first date I wasn't interested in becoming exclusive with anyone unless they were on the same page, and that I was planning to start a family in 2/3 years either with the right person or solo. I'd come out of two multi-year relationships with men who made vague noises about kids and marriage but funnily enough when it came down to the wire they weren't interested and I was several years older, single, having essentially wasted a few more fertile years on a relationship that due to a lack of real honesty and clarity was never going to give me what I wanted.

It was obviously not a 'I want your babies, random man' thing, but a casual statement as part of getting to know one another, an 'I'm planning on this in my future'. And when we got together it was with the understanding that if things continued going well between us then a baby was where we were heading to.

So I think at 31 I'd be quite concerned if at six months there were no plans or discussion around moving in, not necessarily there and then but at least 'your lease is up next year, shall we get a place?' and progressing to seeing one another more frequently, twice per week feels quite a small amount.

I think it'd be wise to lay your cards on the table and tell him what you've said here. If he's scared shitless and runs off then that's good, he'd have done that whether you told him now you're looking for these very normal, run of the mill relationship milestones, or whether you waited another year or two before bringing it up, only to find that at a time where you'd have liked to have been married and TTC you're actually going through another breakup.

ChickPeaSalad · 05/10/2021 16:12

@Keepitonthedownlow

Everyone keeps going on about this and how shocking it is, but you have clearly said 'PLANS FOR LIVING TOGETHER AND TTC' not that you should be doing it at six months together.

At six months we had plans to move in at a year, discussed how we'd both like to be TTC a couple of years later, and that marriage was something we weren't really fussed about but it'd be nice to get it done for legal reasons before a baby arrived.

Takes the pressure off, you can both enjoy your time together and the relationship progressing, while knowing that as far as possible you've made sure you both want the same things and you're not sat there daydreaming of five kids on a farm while deep down his major ambition is to travel the world for the entirety of his thirties.

Babdoc · 05/10/2021 16:24

You really don’t know what any man is like, or whether you are compatible long term, until you try living together.
I think talking about future kids is putting the cart before the horse. Why not discuss his views on moving in, first?
You might find you drive each other mad, or he expects you to do all the chores, and that would render any discussion of future offspring moot.

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