Bf's response to conversation about future together

[sunnyside303]

Hi everyone,

I'm just looking for some thoughts on my bf's response to a conversation I initiated this weekend.

Background: I am 31, he is 32. My last relationship was with an emotionally unavailable, avoidant man. I thought I wanted a future with him but whenever I tried to broach the subject he would deflect or use humour to get out of it. I lived in hope but after 2 years I asked him about building a future and settling down together. He said that was what he wanted and then three weeks later dumped me.

Whilst that relationship ending was absolutely the right thing, I am wary of repeating the same mistake again and wasting more of my time. I have been with my current bf nearly 6 months and all seems well - we see each other twice a week, get on well, have met each other's family and friends etc and have spent extended time together - we had a week away together in June and have just come back from a 5 day staycation. We also make medium term plans eg we have booked tickets to a comedy show in January and he is talking about going on holiday with another couple next year.

I realise it is early days to be talking about the future with him but I think after 6 months you should know whether or not you want to be with someone? Anyway, I spoke to him this weekend about whether he saw settling down/marriage/kids etc in our future if things continue to go well - making it clear that I don't expect these things now/in the near future - and he said he doesn't see why not but we are still getting to know each other and that marriage is important to him but he is also wary of making the wrong choice due to his friends' experiences (2 out of his 5 close friends were divorced by 25).

Due to my past experience I am not sure whether this is a non-committal answer or not, or whether I can reasonably expect more of a certain answer after 6 months? I am also aware that he could tell me all the things I want to hear and still not mean them so maybe I shouldn't set too much store by this? I suppose as I am now into my 30s I am not here to just 'have fun' - my clock is ticking and I would like a family life with someone with whom I'm compatible.

Any thoughts?

I think that was the best answer you could hope for after 6 months - and the most sensible.
Asking for a more definite answer would make him run for the hills.

You could do what I did at your point in life and add to the conversation.

“We are both on the same page and seem to want the same things for our future, if all goes as well as it is at the moment. Please will you do me a favour and let me know if your opinion changes at any time and you know it’s definitely not going anywhere, even if you would be ok continuing for the moment. I want children and can’t afford to hang around, even if we are having fun, if you realise that it’s never going to be long term.”

I think that’s fair enough and it worked for me.

@Babdoc

You really don’t know what any man is like, or whether you are compatible long term, until you try living together. I think talking about future kids is putting the cart before the horse. Why not discuss his views on moving in, first? You might find you drive each other mad, or he expects you to do all the chores, and that would render any discussion of future offspring moot.

Isn't it a bit of a risk though to move in before you've actually discussed what you both want re children and are on the same page?

It's much harder to split up when you live together, have to find new places to live, disentangle your possessions, possibly deal with selling. It's senseless to move in before knowing what you both want in the future matches up.

Then you move in, and you see how it goes, if it goes badly you'll know you won't be progressing to children or marriage. But it wouldn't make sense to cohabitate without agreeing on kids.

@gannett

*It’s pretty failsafe, I’m afraid. I consider everyone’s overly short supportive advice and inherently unhelpful.

I centre my advice around what is best for the woman rather than giving men the benefit of the doubt and telling her about what she wants to hear.

Men who want you will attempt to take you off the market asap. If, in 6 months (so a year of dating), the relationship hasn’t progressed beyond meeting up twice a week and he has not initiated the process of living together, then he isn’t there for the long haul.*

Failsafe my arse. It's a load of bollocks is what it is. (Evidence, my own relationship and actually, now I think about it, almost all of my friends'.)

"Men" are not a monolith. "Men" are not some weird other species who all know exactly what they want and how to get it after a half a year. And expressing uncertainty is not a signal that they're really manipulating you. People are allowed to be uncertain FGS. Even men.

Keep fighting men’s fights on the internet. They aren’t doing it for you

I really hope OP doesn’t end up the late thirties woman strung along by an ambivalent man. As I said, I told her to give it 6 months- so they would have been dating for a year. Then, to see if he brings up moving in together within that time. I don’t know why you are acting like I have told her to LTB? Are you projecting something?

A mid thirties man who doesn’t want to live with you after a year is just that, a man who doesn’t want to live you. Even if finally agrees, if a man has dragged his heels on living together for years, and has let you carry the relationship whilst not initiate any milestones himself- he is not it.

OP needs to give it some time and ensure that he is pursuing their future as well as her.

And your anecdotal evidence is no stronger than mine (despite you claiming it is). For all of your friends who don’t fit my profile, I’ll be able to wheel out 100+ threads of women bemoaning emotionally unavailable men who wasted their years on men who were scared of commitment/divorce/not sure.

@ChickPeaSalad

It’s definitely a huge risk. You should definitely be upfront about what you want and your life plans.

But it’s super important to phrase it as…

‘When I get married….’
‘It’s really important for my kids to…’
‘I want kids by…’

The moment you put a new boyfriend into those plans and meekly ask him ‘do you see a dog/future/3 kids/a house with me?’ you are putting the power in his hands. It might make him lower his effort, or it might give him a cheat sheet on everything he has to say in order to keep you invested.

Keep fighting men’s fights on the internet. They aren’t doing it for you

Is "men aren't a monolith" really men's rights, or is it just good dating advice about demystifying the opposite sex. Believe me I've said the words "women aren't a monolith" to male friends so many times over the years I'm sick of the phrase myself.

A mid thirties man who doesn’t want to live with you after a year is just that, a man who doesn’t want to live you. Even if finally agrees, if a man has dragged his heels on living together for years, and has let you carry the relationship whilst not initiate any milestones himself- he is not it.

A year is not enough time to decide IMO. I certainly wasn't rushing to live with DP after a year. (We were early 30s.) He first broached the subject after about four years and I still had to think about it for two weeks! Together after a decade though so obviously us dragging our heels wasn't really relevant in the end.

And it wasn't really about dragging my heels or thinking he was a just-for-now relationship, it was me being ultra-cautious about a huge life step. The couples that go full tilt at milestones like moving in together after a year are not, IME, the ones that last. (They're also the relationships full of tedious drama tbh.)

And your anecdotal evidence is no stronger than mine (despite you claiming it is). For all of your friends who don’t fit my profile, I’ll be able to wheel out 100+ threads of women bemoaning emotionally unavailable men who wasted their years on men who were scared of commitment/divorce/not sure.

Oh I see. I have real life to draw on, you have... MN threads

Sounds fine to me. But if I were I'm and someone had asked me that shit 6 months in, I'd possibly have shat myself and ran.

Also, just don't with the whole 'clock is ticking' nonsense. Your life isn't about having kids. Live in the hear and now and enjoy it for what it is.

@Suprima it's also not particularly in women's interests to push and force a commitment at all costs during the time she is supposed to be figuring out if she wants the man as a life partner or not. I find the idea that you can possibly know someone enough in six months to know if you want to have a family with them extremely offputting. It's really desperate and a bit sad.

[quote CecilieRose]@Suprima it's also not particularly in women's interests to push and force a commitment at all costs during the time she is supposed to be figuring out if she wants the man as a life partner or not. I find the idea that you can possibly know someone enough in six months to know if you want to have a family with them extremely offputting. It's really desperate and a bit sad.[/quote]
Nobody has said anything about forcing women to feel a certain way at all costs. Suprima has also specified that she thinks it's a red flag if a man is showing no signs of increasing commitment after a year, not that she thinks it's a red flag if a man doesn't want to have babies after six months.

I also think we should move beyond accusing other women of being 'desperate' if they have different relationship standards to us. It's a played out female stereotype. I would not stay with a man who showed no interest in increasing his commitment to me after a full year of dating. It's fine if you feel diferently to me, but I'm certainly not desperate, nor am I 'sad'.

[quote sunnyside303]@litterbird oh god you've got me worried now. I did say that I wanted marriage and kids within the next couple of years but maybe that was too vague...

@AgentJohnson well I'm not ready to settle down with him yet but I just wanted to know we are on the same page in terms of what we want out of the relationship if it continues to go well and that I'm not a 'placeholder' as I was with my ex.

Argh I feel pretty stressed about it now. I wish I could go back in time and do it again so I could be more clear about what I want and get a more definite answer from him[/quote]
I don’t see what you could have done differently in order to get a more definite response from him. He has said he wants marriage down the line, he isn’t ready to say he wants it with you as it has only been six months. I am not sure how he could be more definite with you than that.

Personally I don’t think there was any need to have this conversation just yet considering your (young) ages and the length of time you have been dating.

@pollypocketlover it's more the attitude of accusing someone who disagrees with 'doing men's work'. A year really isn't that long. In my eyes it's the minimum time to even start to know someone properly. I'd consider it a red flag if a man started pushing for commitment long before then, so why is it not true the other way around? What happened to actually just getting to know each other rather than obsessing about a timeline?

I have to disagree with the majority of responses here. I think he's given you a wishy washy response and deep down your gut is screaming!
His answer didn't reassure you at all because I get the impression you're not happy and if it was me, after 6 months I'd need more reassurance to know you're on the same page.
Yes on the surface it's a reasonable answer but, in reality he's not given you anything to work with.