NC, please anyone who recognises me keep this to yourself. Apologies for length.
It's my birthday today, an unremarkable mid forties milestone.
In the last year I've had to deal with realising that my parents were abusive. I can't believe it's taken me this long to see it, but I know it's really because I didn't want to accept the truth of it. My father was physically and emotionally abusive (and probably sexually - by 'probably' I mean I still can't bring myself to face this as it is so awful.) After a slow process of dawning realisation I cut all but essential contact with my mother in January after her attempts to manipulate me became starkly apparent.
Yesterday my father sent me a strings-attached 'gift' with a message telling me that his life is terrible on all fronts but that the worst thing is me not being in contact with him, together with allusions to suicide. (I hadn't actually cut contact, I just hadn't made the effort, I was taking time in counselling to try and work my experiences and feelings out. No-one in the family is allowed to cut contact with him as he makes these kind of threats, I can see now of course how we have all been manipulated into silence and how he has got away with terrible treatment towards many of us with other family members being complicit through fear.) I blocked him, or else the next messages would have been him yelling "shame on you, shame on you" as he usually does. I doubt I'll hear from my mother, although in truth that is a relief.
I have an Autistic teen who is decent at heart but very stressed out. He has spent much of the last 18 months shouting at me until all hours, slamming round the house and getting into difficult and dangerous situations that I've had to get him out of. I am on my own as I finally ended a 20 year marriage in which - I now can see - I was also treated very badly. My ex makes it her business to try and upset me, and her parenting is non-existent. I have taken advice from professionals re: my son and been very firm but loving. We never get everything right as parents but I think I'm doing ok on that score. My kids have never known the sort of fear or distress or instability that I knew as I child.
I had plans for a nice birthday weekend but they fell apart. I have a partner and she is wonderful but ill and away from me at the moment. I'm naturally a keep calm and carry on merchant, so made alternative plans, determined that all this crap wouldn't get me down. I bought myself some presents and a cake and told the kids we'd have a nice hour or so before school together. Then this morning neither of my children had a decent word to say to me let alone a 'happy birthday Mum' and my son then started yelling at me. I'm afraid I couldn't take any more and broke down. So now I feel like a terrible parent too.
I'll buck myself up soon I'm sure but right now I feel very broken and if someone could say something nice to me I'd appreciate it.
Thanks for reading.