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Original poster

Am I being unrealistic (second time around )

61 replies

Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 15:36

Hi - me and my partner are v happy together s we plan to get married next year. Will be second time for us both .

He has an amicable relationship with his ex wife , all fine

I am struggling with the fact she is still very present in his extended family as the daughter in law and I feel they don’t value me as his partner very much

For eg - his mum has done things like asked me if I want to see their wedding photos at a dinner , still calls her daughter in law all the time to me and on social media , talks about her to me and dp every time we see them etc.

They have things like extended family chat groups on WhatsApp that I am not part of etc but his ex is and they all socialise as an extended family a lot.

Not sure how to handle it really - it’s making me unhappy in my otherwise great relationship with dp.

Any advice please? Am I being totally over sensitive ? I get on with my ex mil and see her sometimes but she has really embraced my exh new partner as well . I just wish I was accepted in the same way by my partner’s family.

Thanks in advance !

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 30/09/2021 15:38

The ex will have been in the family a long time and had their grandchildren I assume ? So there’s a lot of history there, I’m sure you will be welcomed in as much.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2021 15:40

Are children involved?

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 15:42

Hi ! Yes older teenagers. We have been together 6 years so it’s not a new relationship .. just feel I will never be accepted because she’s always rhere still (

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/09/2021 15:44

I think offering to show you the wedding photos is rather tactless of the inlaws tbh. What does your OH think? Could he have a quiet word with the inlaws? If children are involved I can see why there is still some involvement. Seems like the problem may be more about the inlaws haven't moved on?

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 15:47

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

I think offering to show you the wedding photos is rather tactless of the inlaws tbh. What does your OH think? Could he have a quiet word with the inlaws? If children are involved I can see why there is still some involvement. Seems like the problem may be more about the inlaws haven't moved on?
Mmmm totally . But I feel like how are they going to move on when they sort of still act how they did except without dp there( (most of the time )

He says he can’t dictate other people ‘s friendships or how they act

It’s really affecting my happiness in the relationship, just don’t know how to handle it

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/09/2021 15:48

I agree with you - it's going to be impossible to fit in with his family. If he sees them a lot then I'd bow out.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2021 15:49

You have a dp problem, too. I can understand that the ex is still involved with your partner's family due to the children, but his mother still referring to her as her DIL, to you and on social media, is just ridiculous. Also, asking you if you want to look at their wedding photos? Is she mad? How inappropriate, and I wonder why your partner hasn't put a stop to this nonsense. In my opinion, the ex is far too enmeshed with his family, way more than I would be comfortable with. You are always going to be the awkward third wheel.

I wouldn't marry this man. He doesn't have your back and he isn't putting you first.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/09/2021 15:49

How would it feel to avoid the family get togethers? Would that feel better than not feeling included/recognised, or worse?

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 15:50

@HollowTalk

I agree with you - it's going to be impossible to fit in with his family. If he sees them a lot then I'd bow out.
He sees them half the time really (we live apart cos of both sets of kids )

We spend time at each other’s places when we don’t have our own kids ..

OP posts:
Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 15:52

@Aquamarine1029

You have a dp problem, too. I can understand that the ex is still involved with your partner's family due to the children, but his mother still referring to her as her DIL, to you and on social media, is just ridiculous. Also, asking you if you want to look at their wedding photos? Is she mad? How inappropriate, and I wonder why your partner hasn't put a stop to this nonsense. In my opinion, the ex is far too enmeshed with his family, way more than I would be comfortable with. You are always going to be the awkward third wheel.

I wouldn't marry this man. He doesn't have your back and he isn't putting you first.

She is a bit mad yes ! Narcissistic !
OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 30/09/2021 15:56

I'd bow out too.

This is one of those situations where you can't control other people. You either learn to deal with it or you walk.

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:09

@GreyCarpet yes just feel I simply can’t deal with it , it affects my peace of mind a lot really. Shame because I love dp to pieces (

OP posts:
Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:12

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

How would it feel to avoid the family get togethers? Would that feel better than not feeling included/recognised, or worse?
Yes was wondering should I just stop trying to integrate

But if I don’t go to stuff dp will (when ha has the kids ) and there will be even more of an in for exw to attend

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/09/2021 16:18

But the thing is, if she was a narcissist then wouldn't his family recognise that and be glad he and she had split up?

fumfspos · 30/09/2021 16:20

It comes down to whether you can put up with it or not because nothing is going to change. This is the way it is for the rest of your life.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/09/2021 16:20

Yes, I see what you're saying. I think as the teenagers go to being adults, there may be less involvement possibly, and the offspring won't always attend, but there will always be 'big' family events that they do attend. It's a difficult one, and needs careful thought as to if you invest the time hoping things will improve and they don't, you've invested a lot more time.

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:20

@HollowTalk sorry I meant dp’s mum is a narcissist and he has a difficult relationship with her !

OP posts:
Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:22

@fumfspos

It comes down to whether you can put up with it or not because nothing is going to change. This is the way it is for the rest of your life.
Hmmmm yes that makes me think I would be happier alone or with someone without such an enmeshed set up .
OP posts:
mewkins · 30/09/2021 16:23

This sounds like my mumGrin
I think it is really weird and inappropriate. Especially the wedding photo thing. Who the fuck does that?! Have you ever shown them that you think it is inappropriate? If your dp isn't on your side on this I don't see how it would ever get better

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/09/2021 16:23

I realise some of that is stating the obvious...has XW got a new partner?

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:25

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

I realise some of that is stating the obvious...has XW got a new partner?
No new partner . Not since their amicable split (circa six years)
OP posts:
Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:26

@mewkins

This sounds like my mumGrin I think it is really weird and inappropriate. Especially the wedding photo thing. Who the fuck does that?! Have you ever shown them that you think it is inappropriate? If your dp isn't on your side on this I don't see how it would ever get better
I know ! Who does that ??

He is quite scared of his mum , real matriarch

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/09/2021 16:28

If she got a new partner, that might make her less enmeshed? Still, that would involve you waiting around and hoping. Did OH say anything when the wedding album was mentioned, or was he not in the room at the time?

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:28

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Yes, I see what you're saying. I think as the teenagers go to being adults, there may be less involvement possibly, and the offspring won't always attend, but there will always be 'big' family events that they do attend. It's a difficult one, and needs careful thought as to if you invest the time hoping things will improve and they don't, you've invested a lot more time.
Totally agree with this and it’s sort of what I am thinking

Only one teen at hone now and it’s still the same . Wonder if it will change when nobody at hone !

OP posts:
Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:30

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

If she got a new partner, that might make her less enmeshed? Still, that would involve you waiting around and hoping. Did OH say anything when the wedding album was mentioned, or was he not in the room at the time?
He was . He had just taken my hand at dinner when his mum saw and fired that out !

No he didn’t react much at the time - he was upset but we were at a dinner party there

Early on he did have to ask her 3-4 times to take their wedding photos down..

The women in the family unit are v dominant

OP posts: