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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unrealistic (second time around )

61 replies

Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 15:36

Hi - me and my partner are v happy together s we plan to get married next year. Will be second time for us both .

He has an amicable relationship with his ex wife , all fine

I am struggling with the fact she is still very present in his extended family as the daughter in law and I feel they don’t value me as his partner very much

For eg - his mum has done things like asked me if I want to see their wedding photos at a dinner , still calls her daughter in law all the time to me and on social media , talks about her to me and dp every time we see them etc.

They have things like extended family chat groups on WhatsApp that I am not part of etc but his ex is and they all socialise as an extended family a lot.

Not sure how to handle it really - it’s making me unhappy in my otherwise great relationship with dp.

Any advice please? Am I being totally over sensitive ? I get on with my ex mil and see her sometimes but she has really embraced my exh new partner as well . I just wish I was accepted in the same way by my partner’s family.

Thanks in advance !

OP posts:
Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 08:34

@TrivialSoul yes definitely all that ... doesn’t help the situation that we live (happily!) apart

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Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 08:35

We are engaged though

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SophieKat1982 · 01/10/2021 08:39

Yes, this is too much. I wonder if at the heart of it is your DPs mother’s sadness, possibly even disappointment and denial that her sons marriage ended. Especially if they have children.

I am separated also and have a new boyfriend like you. Relationship with MIL is more distant now, we text occasionally but I have distanced myself because my ex has a girlfriend and I feel his family need time to get to know her now. Our kids are teens.

I think if this relationship was a year in, I’d probably be thinking it needed time but 6 years is plenty of time for your boyfriend to have told his mum that family gatherings are with you and the kids now, not his ex wife and the kids.

I suspect that if his ex had a new partner by now then his hand would have been forced. These arrangements currently suit your MIL and your partners ex.

If your partners mum is a narcissist then probably your DP has learned that it’s easier to go along with what his mum/ex want and not assert himself. I agree with the others that this probably won’t change. At least, possibly not until your partners ex starts a new relationship. It’s a matter of whether or not you can live with it.

Rubyrebel · 01/10/2021 08:42

Are they secretly hoping he gets back with ex? Especially, if they only see the first marriage as relevant culturally. This might all be behaviour to pressure him and put you off.
Either way , I would tell DP he speaks up and changes things now or you are leaving. He needs to step up, whether he’s scared of his mum or not. It’s not fair on you. If he won’t you have your answer

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 09:25

@SophieKat1982 yes he had a v difficult relationship with his mother but is a duty-bound sort of person with a lot of empathy (other than for me abour this matter !(

You sound like me in that I want my exh new reletionahip to thrive so I want exmil to welcome her with open arms ..

Yes I just don’t know if I can live with it as it’s been ages now and is same old hassles all the time . He won’t have any children at home in a year or two so maybe it will change then ..

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Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 09:27

@Rubyrebel

Are they secretly hoping he gets back with ex? Especially, if they only see the first marriage as relevant culturally. This might all be behaviour to pressure him and put you off. Either way , I would tell DP he speaks up and changes things now or you are leaving. He needs to step up, whether he’s scared of his mum or not. It’s not fair on you. If he won’t you have your answer
Yes 100% yes - it’s as if they don’t recognise the divorce still
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Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 09:31

Dp is never going to see my point as he thinks it’s good for the kids and they come first. But it really does affect my happiness a lot so maybe it’s just a case of us being incompatible .

But as I said I love him and we are very happy together , this is literally the only fly in our ointment . Maybe best thing is for me to back way off from trying to integrate myself. For eg I have given his parents cards and little gift every bday since we met and they have never even sent me a card! Yet recently had a dinner party for one of the dil’s bday (not exw)

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unsportyspice · 01/10/2021 10:22

@Antonia2021

Dp is never going to see my point as he thinks it’s good for the kids and they come first. But it really does affect my happiness a lot so maybe it’s just a case of us being incompatible .

But as I said I love him and we are very happy together , this is literally the only fly in our ointment . Maybe best thing is for me to back way off from trying to integrate myself. For eg I have given his parents cards and little gift every bday since we met and they have never even sent me a card! Yet recently had a dinner party for one of the dil’s bday (not exw)

Stop buying them cards and gifts. They sound ungrateful and rude.
Treat them as they treat you. Sometimes it's the only way to be and it's then that people realise how awful they are being.
Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 10:49

@unsportyspice yeah I am going to. I meant to last year but then I felt like I wanted to be the person I am, not be made mean

Anyway, I won’t next time !

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Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 13:15

@SophieKat1982

Yes, this is too much. I wonder if at the heart of it is your DPs mother’s sadness, possibly even disappointment and denial that her sons marriage ended. Especially if they have children.

I am separated also and have a new boyfriend like you. Relationship with MIL is more distant now, we text occasionally but I have distanced myself because my ex has a girlfriend and I feel his family need time to get to know her now. Our kids are teens.

I think if this relationship was a year in, I’d probably be thinking it needed time but 6 years is plenty of time for your boyfriend to have told his mum that family gatherings are with you and the kids now, not his ex wife and the kids.

I suspect that if his ex had a new partner by now then his hand would have been forced. These arrangements currently suit your MIL and your partners ex.

If your partners mum is a narcissist then probably your DP has learned that it’s easier to go along with what his mum/ex want and not assert himself. I agree with the others that this probably won’t change. At least, possibly not until your partners ex starts a new relationship. It’s a matter of whether or not you can live with it.

Yes it is a case of it’s easier to go along with it , I’m the person he is just able to placate maybe
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Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 20:16

@SophieKat1982 yeah it’s just frustrating it’s been like this since the start and I can’t see it changing at all at this stage hmmmm

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