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Original poster

Am I being unrealistic (second time around )

61 replies

Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 15:36

Hi - me and my partner are v happy together s we plan to get married next year. Will be second time for us both .

He has an amicable relationship with his ex wife , all fine

I am struggling with the fact she is still very present in his extended family as the daughter in law and I feel they don’t value me as his partner very much

For eg - his mum has done things like asked me if I want to see their wedding photos at a dinner , still calls her daughter in law all the time to me and on social media , talks about her to me and dp every time we see them etc.

They have things like extended family chat groups on WhatsApp that I am not part of etc but his ex is and they all socialise as an extended family a lot.

Not sure how to handle it really - it’s making me unhappy in my otherwise great relationship with dp.

Any advice please? Am I being totally over sensitive ? I get on with my ex mil and see her sometimes but she has really embraced my exh new partner as well . I just wish I was accepted in the same way by my partner’s family.

Thanks in advance !

OP posts:
Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:31

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants yes I have been hoping she will meet someone for years but doesn’t seem likely !

OP posts:
Fandangoes · 30/09/2021 16:32

sounds like you have nothing to lose by sitting down with DPs mum and telling her exactly how you feel, in as diplomatic way as possible. If she takes it badly you will know you tried and the relationship won't work for you anyway. On the other hand maybe she just hasnt stopped to think how you feel and if she is a strong personality I suspect she may respect you for raising it with her and appreciate your efforts to make it work for all of you?

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:37

@Fandangoes

sounds like you have nothing to lose by sitting down with DPs mum and telling her exactly how you feel, in as diplomatic way as possible. If she takes it badly you will know you tried and the relationship won't work for you anyway. On the other hand maybe she just hasnt stopped to think how you feel and if she is a strong personality I suspect she may respect you for raising it with her and appreciate your efforts to make it work for all of you?
Hmmm I see what you’re saying but it’s def deliberate

For eg she hasn’t sent me even a bday card once in 5 years !

I myself have daughter-in-law to be and can’t imagine not marking her bday

OP posts:
Fandangoes · 30/09/2021 16:41

so tell her that. sit her down and tell her you love her son very much and you're really looking forward to the wedding and becoming part of the extended family but you can't help feeling she has reservations about you and doesn't seem willing to accept you as her son's new partner after all this time. You would like to resolve that as you know it makes her son as unhappy as it does you. You're not asking anybody to exclude his ex-wife, you yourself remain on good terms with your ex-MIL.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 30/09/2021 16:41

If he spends 50% of his time with his parents I'd be putting the wedding and moving in together on hold and keeping the relationship as dating/ relaxed company - maintaining seperate households without joining in extended family events/ politics at all.

Tbh if he spends genuinely half his non working hours with his parents (other than because he's caring for them) that'd apply even without the mil's weaponising/ politicising of his ex. Way too enmeshed with his parents for a man old enough to be the father of older teens, even if he didn't have an ex wife!

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:43

But also can I add he very much wants this amicable set up and to be friendly co parents - so she pushes boundaries (IMO) and he then feels like a party pooper

He’s the one who has set the tone as he prizes them being amicable over everything . I think he is scared of losing that amicability if he says ‘can you not go to family event ? to her . And the mil and extended family (and kids) now all operate like that .

So for me it is either accept it ( which I have tried but can’t !) or leave !

OP posts:
DammedifIdo · 30/09/2021 16:45

Have you told dp that you are seriously thinking about leaving?

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:45

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

If he spends 50% of his time with his parents I'd be putting the wedding and moving in together on hold and keeping the relationship as dating/ relaxed company - maintaining seperate households without joining in extended family events/ politics at all.

Tbh if he spends genuinely half his non working hours with his parents (other than because he's caring for them) that'd apply even without the mil's weaponising/ politicising of his ex. Way too enmeshed with his parents for a man old enough to be the father of older teens, even if he didn't have an ex wife!

Sorry not literally 50 % of his time but he has his kids 50% of the time so does extended family stuff when he is in that zone )

Haha his mum would love it if he spent 50% of his time with them 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 16:45

@DammedifIdo

Have you told dp that you are seriously thinking about leaving?
No .
OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/09/2021 16:50

If the mil is doing this stuff deliberately, and it sounds like she is, I'm not sure things will improve by sitting down with her, and talking. That only works with reasonable people IME :) Having had a mil who was very hard work, that would make me seriously question how much involvement I wanted. It does sound like he has tried a bit if he asked her a few times to take the wedding photos down.

mewkins · 30/09/2021 17:00

The only way it will change is if your partner addresses it. Either directly or by distancing himself from extended family stuff.

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 30/09/2021 17:04

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

If the mil is doing this stuff deliberately, and it sounds like she is, I'm not sure things will improve by sitting down with her, and talking. That only works with reasonable people IME :) Having had a mil who was very hard work, that would make me seriously question how much involvement I wanted. It does sound like he has tried a bit if he asked her a few times to take the wedding photos down.
Yes he has tried a lot but at the end of the day doesn’t want to be more of a black sheep than he already feels for getting divorced (big no no in his background )

I do love him , I think it’s best I try to just stay away from that aspect of his life tbh

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 30/09/2021 18:05

So for me it is either accept it ( which I have tried but can’t !) or leave !

You need to tell him you have reached that point then.

I'd feel the same as you tbh. I wouldn't be second best to anyone and nether should you be.

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 06:16

@GreyCarpet yes think at least I need to tell him how I feel

OP posts:
Getbehindme · 01/10/2021 06:41

Yes, I was thinking that if she had a new parnter it would totally throw the dynamic between her and the in laws. As it is, it's really comfy at the expense of your discomfort.

I think you give them as much of a wide berth as possible so it bothers you less, but explain to your DP why you're doing that. I do think it's sad he's not backed you as much, but I kind of understand too as my exMIL is very similar.

It's really made me think about how they'd feel when my ex introduces his new gf. I'm in the family WhatsApp still! I'm not getting a bf any time soon so I need to be mindful of this too I think.

I guess maybe it also depends on how the separation came about? My ex broke my heart and so I think his family still feel very bad about it, that tips the dynamic in my 'favour' if you like.

Getbehindme · 01/10/2021 06:43

[quote Antonia2021]@GreyCarpet yes think at least I need to tell him how I feel[/quote]
I think you should. Either with a steak choice that he backs you, or that you are going to take a back seat and stop investing in trying with them and keep it perfunctory. That'll get tiresome for him very soon.

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 06:48

@Getbehindme

Yes, I was thinking that if she had a new parnter it would totally throw the dynamic between her and the in laws. As it is, it's really comfy at the expense of your discomfort.

I think you give them as much of a wide berth as possible so it bothers you less, but explain to your DP why you're doing that. I do think it's sad he's not backed you as much, but I kind of understand too as my exMIL is very similar.

It's really made me think about how they'd feel when my ex introduces his new gf. I'm in the family WhatsApp still! I'm not getting a bf any time soon so I need to be mindful of this too I think.

I guess maybe it also depends on how the separation came about? My ex broke my heart and so I think his family still feel very bad about it, that tips the dynamic in my 'favour' if you like.

Aw thanks for posting . You sound avery kind and thoughtful person !

Their split was amicable and mutual but it’s unusual culturally and also he carries a lot of guilt I think

OP posts:
Tellmesomethinggirl · 01/10/2021 07:05

Sorry but I think you are letting your dp get away with too much here. It's admirable that he wants to be on good terms with his ex etc but not to the extent that you feel alienated. Don't talk to the mil, she is doing it on purpose.
I would be talking to your DP and saying that you don't feel he is ready to move on and so you will be taking a break to think about things for a bit. It's annoying, because if you split up, your mil has "won" to an extent but this problem won't be going away soon unless your DP sets a different tone. The excuse about him not being able to control his mother may be valid to an extent but it's pathetic he didn't speak up when the wedding photos came out.

unsportyspice · 01/10/2021 07:12

I could understand the contact if the children were young but teenagers?? Noooo they are able to do family events without their mother being there.
The wedding photos are MIL showing how insensitive she is. Do you want a relationship with a person like that?
Speak to your DP see what he suggests.
Good luck

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 07:16

@Tellmesomethinggirl

Sorry but I think you are letting your dp get away with too much here. It's admirable that he wants to be on good terms with his ex etc but not to the extent that you feel alienated. Don't talk to the mil, she is doing it on purpose. I would be talking to your DP and saying that you don't feel he is ready to move on and so you will be taking a break to think about things for a bit. It's annoying, because if you split up, your mil has "won" to an extent but this problem won't be going away soon unless your DP sets a different tone. The excuse about him not being able to control his mother may be valid to an extent but it's pathetic he didn't speak up when the wedding photos came out.
Mmm quite and there have been more similar tbh incidents

It has got slightly better over the years (in terms of he did try and put in some boundaries such as them not attending same family (his family) events ) but there are always exceptions .
Must be quite odd for him as it’s exactly the same extended unit doing same things as they always did except he’s not rhere !

OP posts:
Tellmesomethinggirl · 01/10/2021 07:17

Also, I understand if guilt is the issue, but that is the indicator that he is not ready to move on. Not because he still has feelings for his ex but that he hasn't come to terms with it in himself.

I'm in a marriage where my husband's family has always come first and tbh it's less problematic than it was now that my in-laws are no longer alive, but I was young when we met and it always seemed to be me who compromised and made the effort to fit in. And it's not sitting well with me in middle age as frankly I've come to realise that it's about my DH really. He is lovely in many ways, and has many admirable qualities, but he has a big personality and his job, the way he likes to live, the food he likes, where we live, are all ultimately determined by him.

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 07:20

@Tellmesomethinggirl

Also, I understand if guilt is the issue, but that is the indicator that he is not ready to move on. Not because he still has feelings for his ex but that he hasn't come to terms with it in himself.

I'm in a marriage where my husband's family has always come first and tbh it's less problematic than it was now that my in-laws are no longer alive, but I was young when we met and it always seemed to be me who compromised and made the effort to fit in. And it's not sitting well with me in middle age as frankly I've come to realise that it's about my DH really. He is lovely in many ways, and has many admirable qualities, but he has a big personality and his job, the way he likes to live, the food he likes, where we live, are all ultimately determined by him.

Same ! My partner has big energy / personality

It doesn’t help that his evw is always organising family (his side never her own !) events / dinners / holidays literally all the time

Then things like she has to phone instead of email him still re kids arrangements

They had a very stressful marriage of bad feeling / behaviour / estrangement so it’s so weird he is so obsessed with keeping on her good side

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 01/10/2021 08:09

It's strange the ex is organising things for his family. She sounds like she has no idea of what's appropriate. But your dp should be calling her on this after 6 years.
My ds and his dp had my gc and then later split up. I am very friendly with her as she is the mother of my gd and we do have contact outside my ds. Ds , obviously still has lots of conttact because of his dd.
Now he has a new partner. I am very conscious of not talking about ex in her presence but it does sometimes happen. It's part of being with someone who has children l feel as even when the dc are there they are going to mention their mom.
It means everything to my ds that we are all friendly to his ex as he is so conscious of not having any bad feeling around gd. She also has a new partner and we have endeavoured to be friendly to him too. But neither of them would ever be at our family functions. I don't think these situations are ever easy but we have adopted the approach of being very friendly on all sides. Going forward my ds new partner may find this too much
So some of this is normal enough but your dps ex, l feel is way over the line and hasn,t stepped back especially considering it was an amiable split.
I wouldn't lose the relationship as sounds like you are happy in every other way so why should you lose out. Your dp has a responsibility to move away more from his ex and it doesn't sound like he has great awareness of this.
Sounds like you have dc too. How does he feel as regards their Dad?

Original poster
Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 08:22

@junebirthdaygirl

It's strange the ex is organising things for his family. She sounds like she has no idea of what's appropriate. But your dp should be calling her on this after 6 years. My ds and his dp had my gc and then later split up. I am very friendly with her as she is the mother of my gd and we do have contact outside my ds. Ds , obviously still has lots of conttact because of his dd. Now he has a new partner. I am very conscious of not talking about ex in her presence but it does sometimes happen. It's part of being with someone who has children l feel as even when the dc are there they are going to mention their mom. It means everything to my ds that we are all friendly to his ex as he is so conscious of not having any bad feeling around gd. She also has a new partner and we have endeavoured to be friendly to him too. But neither of them would ever be at our family functions. I don't think these situations are ever easy but we have adopted the approach of being very friendly on all sides. Going forward my ds new partner may find this too much So some of this is normal enough but your dps ex, l feel is way over the line and hasn,t stepped back especially considering it was an amiable split. I wouldn't lose the relationship as sounds like you are happy in every other way so why should you lose out. Your dp has a responsibility to move away more from his ex and it doesn't sound like he has great awareness of this. Sounds like you have dc too. How does he feel as regards their Dad?
As thanks for your post ! I love my (ex) mother in law dearly and she and I have a great relationship. However this is carried out with subtlety and she has welcomed exh’a new partner wholeheartedly . So I will sometimes see her with the children but am always careful to check it’s ok with exh first. Because of this, me and exh new partner have a really positive relationship and really value each other

Dp exw Is pushy (like his mum!) which is part of the reason his marriage didn’t work

Dp doesn’t have much to bother him at my end tbh because although me and exh are amicable we have what I would describe as a normal co-parenting relationship , we don’t socialise together, we go to joint children’s things such as for eg a leavers’ picnic

I think dp would struggle in my shoes as well tbh !

OP posts:
TrivialSoul · 01/10/2021 08:30

Could it be a generational thing? I know that my parents wouldnt view a relationship where I was living separately from a partner as seriously as they would a marriage. They would probably also be overly friendly and amicable as possible with the ex for the sake of family u iry and to maintain their place in the grand children's lives.